rough session…rough day

MB and I had out weekly session today and for some reason it was a rough one. I think the more we dig the more shit we dig up the the harder it is to face. I am working so hard every single day and sometimes it feels like I have made zero progress – it’s so frustrating.

I have spent the past 23+ years angry and hating myself because of what OTHER people put into my head. Now the only problem is that it is now programmed into my head and I can’t seem to turn it off. It plays over and over and the voices are just there constantly feeding into every single ounce of self doubt that I have and no matter how hard I try and combat them I can’t seem to win. I fight and I fight and I fight and I never win.

I told MB today that the never ending cycle of trying to better myself feels like I am a hamster on a wheel. I spin and I spin and I never get anywhere. I’ve done diets upon diets…I’ve done it healthy, I’ve done it not healthy, I’ve done pills and I’ve done gyms and she said “well then what do you think you should do” and I said “get off the fucking wheel.” I was surprised at how quickly I responded to that. I told her I never thought of doing nothing..my life has always felt as though there were limits put on it when it came to my weight and eating. The idea of continuing with cooking, working out on my bike but not putting that pressure on myself to have it “change my life” I dunno…it hit me hard.

MB loves to timeline things out – this is both good and bad for me. Good because I have to face a lot of fucking facts that frankly I wouldn’t be nearly as fucked up as I am right now and bad for the same reasons lol. I can’t blame my mom for it all though – I have to be partially responsible. I could have spoken up sooner, I knew it was wrong to cut, i knew thinking about killing myself was wrong but I never had someone I could reach out to. I have that now and I have people in my life who don’t give a shit about what I weigh, what I look like or what I wear. I have people in my life that just love me for who I am: flaws and all. I can’t even love all the flaws yet and somehow they do. That kind of a gift? that is something that you can’t repay.

Before I leave my sessions MB always asks the same question “can you stay safe until I see you next” and USUALLY I’m pretty quick to say ‘YES’ but today, today she knew I wasn’t myself. I paused for a few seconds and said (not looking at her) “I’m fine” and since MB knows me back from when I was seeing E and doing DBT group she knows “I’m fine” is not really fine. We talked about finding out some health news about my mom and what feelings that brought up for me and the fact that I have my stress test on Friday and she knows how I am struggling with the decision I will eventually be faced with: having an ultrasound to determine my heart valve size or not having it. I thought a LOT of my uncle K today. He was just on my mind. He died so young and I wonder what HE would have done. I miss him so much.

So to avoid all these feelings I came home and ate some dinner – I wasn’t in a real cooking mood so I had just picked up some chicken from the grocery store already cooked. I had an urge to cook a little while ago and so I decided to make little mini apple pies (using a pumpkin pie mold I got from Crate and Barrel) and they actually turned out pretty yummy!!

Before Cooking

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After Cooking

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I think I will have to make these again.

For now I am going to relax and head off to bed. Goodnight all.

Facing demons…and it’s not even Halloween.

(my life has been so hectic I have been trying to get this post done since MONDAY lol)

So Saturday was one of my oldest friends wedding. I love H, she and I have been friends since high school and even though it can be months and months in between phone calls, emails, facebook messages we can just pick up like no time has passed. I knew going to this wedding there were going to be several girls there who made my teen years a living hell and lucky me…I got sat at the SAME table as all of them. At least this is the view I got to experience during the reception.

FALLDAY

Facing several of the girls who made my teen years a living hell was much harder than I anticipated it would be. It’s true when people say girls are cruel, mean and vicious. These girls would smile at you to your face as they were doing whatever they could to tear you down behind your back and here I was sitting back in front of them 10 years later and it didn’t seem like anything had changed. With some things hadn’t changed at all – same bitchy girls they always had been. JC was much nicer than I remember and seeing JM was great since she and I had been close in middle school and lost touch over the years.

All in all it was an emotionally exhausting day but I got through it. The days following where exhausting and left me feeling a little bit empty and devoid of anything. I got through this big event but not without feeling like I did when I was 15 years old again. Locking myself in my apartment, not showering, refusing to leave to see people…I became the hermit I used to be but this time I didn’t cut, I didn’t binge, I didn’t lose control. But it took every single ounce of who I was to not lose control that I didn’t have the energy to do a single thing.

I have been experimenting a lot in the kitchen as of late. Trying to make new foods and branch out and try new things. It’s been a great way for me to build my mastery skills and allow myself to find time for mindfulness. I still hate doing the dishes but now the dishes are less of a chore since I treat them as a mindfulness exercise. I haven’t gone too far out of the box but I’ve made some interesting dishes including homemade chunky applesauce, pumpkin bread and margherta pizza🙂 It gives me a little bit of satisfaction like the way painting does – creating something myself. Cooking really can be therapeutic and I have to thank J for encouraging me to get out there and trying my hand at it all!

MB and I have been working on my self image in our weekly sessions and I wanted to do my part and have my yearly physical. My old PCP had left (I miss her – she really was a GREAT doctor) and met with the new doctor she transitioned me to. PS is a an okay doctor – she reminds me a LOT of Pam from the Office and she really does look like Jenna Fischer. I knew going into the physical that my weight was going to be an issue but something else came up that has left me feeling very overwhelmed. Because I hadn’t seen PS before she asked if there were any new medical conditions in my family and I mentioned the passing of my uncle K and the cardiac issues that we are now discovering throughout my mothers side of the family and so she thought it would be a good idea to get a baseline EKG just to have on file. I agreed. I had been told before that I had bradycardia so I wasn’t too worried about anything that an EKG might bring up and although I was pretty adamant that I don’t want to know if I suffer from what killed my uncle K and what my mother currently has I knew an EKG wouldn’t be able to determine that.

EKGs are funny…15 minutes to get all the things hooked up to you for something that takes like 2 minutes to read your heart. Needless to say I found out that at one point I had “an extra heart beat” and there was some other abnormalities that PS wanted to talk to her superior about. I sat in that office for 30 minutes before she came back. She (and her boss) feel that there is a possibility of ischemia and that I need to have a stress test. She didn’t really go into a lot of the details of what these abnormalities were and I am sure they are nothing but given the current cardiac issues that seem to be popping up in my family I have to admit it scared me. I tried to play it off that it was no big deal but on the inside? on the inside I was (and am) freaking out.

I feel like a complete wuss by freaking out over something that I have no control over. If I have these cardiac issues having the tests or not having the tests isn’t going to change that fact. In the words of J “what is meant to be is to be” and I understand that. I’m having the stress test next Friday because I have that day off. I will wait to find out the results of that before I decide if I want the ultrasound which will tell me if the valves of my aorta are enlarged and if heart surgery is anywhere in my future. These are all SCARY things for me. Facing down the idea of a death that I haven’t planned out myself – every thought of my own demise up until now was at my own hand. This is new territory and I don’t think people can fully understand what that weight feels like. I’ve spent the past year and a half working on WANTING to live and now I feel like I am at a crossroads. One path to get fully tested and if the results mean surgery or something life threatening then I will fight to live and the other path to continue to live without ever fully knowing the truth and possibly dying at any moment without warning.

Why do I feel like there isn’t a right answer here? I can’t talk with my family because whatever choice I make I need to feel supported and my biological family has already made it clear they don’t support my choice NOT to find out. MB and I always go back to the ‘broken coke machine’ analogy when it comes to my mother. I know MM and J will fully support whatever decision I make but I have put them both through so much with my ups and downs these past two years – it feels unfair to put anymore of my shit on their plate but I also know that I can’t do this alone.

Anyone out there have ANY advice?

Day off…

For one of the first times in my life I CHOSE to have some time off from work – a 4 day weekend! I don’t do this often and I am still working hard at not feeling guilty about it but it needed to be done. The pressure I put on myself when I am in the office is starting to become a little overwhelming. We have performance appraisals coming up and I am having a mini panic attack. I work super hard and the quality of my work is spot-on but that has NEVER been where my needs for improvement have come up. My needs for improvement have always been directed at my interpersonal skills (accurately directed…I completely acknowledge that).

Don’t get me wrong…I can TAKE constructive criticism and honestly? without it I am not sure if I would have made the strides I have over this past year. But I am just so wanting to go into my supervisors office and just hear the positive. I have been pushing, struggling, working so hard at trying to use my skills, trying to harness them and apply them to the very best of my ability. In the words of J (that I constantly tell myself  when things seem hard) “try harder.” The appraisals are based on more than just my supervisors observations but the observations of my peers – and considering my past with MO I am not so sure that I am going to have a lot of positive come from whatever she wrote about me. I know that I still need to work on stress management and learning how to hide it on my face. I know I still need to work on keeping my personal life out of work but I am so desperately hoping that the hard work I have been putting in doesn’t go unnoticed by the people I work with.

I can’t lose my job but what if this is the best I can possible do? What if no matter how much I try, no matter how much I work at using my skills it is never enough? My friend D told me I needed to learn how to “play the game” but that just seems so fake to me. Maybe it is my lack of wanting to “play the game” that will keep me from ever being considered as a leader at my job. I love my job and I love the work that we do – I know I won’t walk into my appraisal without SOME constructive feedback on areas of improvement (bring it on..I WANT to hear the constructive feedback) but I also want there to be a lot more positive feedback then I have gotten in the past. I just worry and FEAR that as much progress as I have made over the past 2 years of being there (I will have been there for 2 years in 12 days) won’t be enough.

Even on a day off I can’t stop worrying about work…there must be something really wrong with me.

To get out of my own head I went to the bookstore to get lost in inspiration. Got a few magazines, relaxed, and spent hours away from my computer and away from my email. I wanted to just stop thinking about my job, the stresses of not being enough and wondering how my performance appraisal is going to go. It was a BEAUTIFUL autumn day yesterday. The colors, the smells…it is my FAVORITE season. There is a crisp in the air, the vibrant colors bring to life the surroundings. Sometimes I wish I had the talent to be able to paint it all.

I have the wedding of one of my oldest friends today. I am feeling VERY conflicted because I love and adore my friend H but the group of people who I think are going to be there have only ever liked me when I was drunk because that was when I would come “out of my shell”. When you spend your life as the “funny fat friend” breaking that chain of thought is excruciating – I so desperately just want to get through this.  The expectations of “Drunk K” are going to be high and being surrounded by a lot of the people who made my teen years a LIVING hell is going to be it extraordinarily difficult to maintain a healthy balance. I can’t allow myself to be 16 again…I can’t give in to the pressures my mind is going to be pushing. God, I hope I am strong enough for this.

 

Wish me luck & have an amazing weekend…

I should be in a masquerade…

With my family I am always wearing masks.

I’m tired of playing the role of the dutiful daughter and never getting anything in return. I put on a smile and a happy face and I let the world see what they want everyone to see: a loving family. The secrets and lies of what it means to be in this family weigh heavily on me which is why I spend as little time around them as possible. Does that make me cold? probably.

I’m learning that for my own well being I need to be a tad selfish and cut myself off from the toxic and negative people in my life – it sucks that unfortunately those negative people happen to be my own flesh and blood. Both E and MB have told me that I need to look at it like I am standing in front of a vending machine and that no matter how much money I put into it, that it will NEVER give me what I am looking for. The more time I spend with positive people the more I know this to be true yet I still feel guilty. I feel like I am letting THEM down – are you kidding me? my entire life nobody has stood beside me, nobody took the time to help me and yet I worry about letting THEM down?! How fucked up is that?

The years of sadness, the cutting, the distance and the eating disorder(s) that were clearly overlooked by the people who were supposed to love and protect me are wounds that still remain freshly intact. A childhood spent either being ignored or only noticed for my weight. I was only on her radar when I was eating, when I wasn’t making her look good, when I was an embarrassment. She had no problem putting me on countless diets, pushing me into sports I didn’t want to play and find ways to belittle any and all accomplishments I seemed to make. She measured love based on appearance, based on what the outside world saw.  The feelings of inadequacy and feelings of worthlessness I have spent the past 30 years carrying around – it’s no wonder I am how I am.

I’d like to think that she did the best she could, that she was being supportive in her own way – that it all came from a place of love. The problem is I can only float around in that sea of denial for so long. I’d like to think if B were still alive she never would have allowed my mother to talk to me the way she did, to treat me the way she did…but I don’t know that for sure, the only truth I learned at that age was that next to death there wasn’t much of a way to stop the shit from getting out of control. I learned that hiding your feelings was how you needed to live. That you don’t cry, you don’t share and you certainly don’t let your weaknesses be shown.

In life there are moments that can shape and define you for better or worse. What I am now trying to do is find ways to move forward and find new ways to shape and define who I am. In the words of J “none of it is easy, but it is ALL worth it.”

 

learning to find my balance…

So after several consecutive days on the bike I took today off…my knees were starting to bother me and I know I need to listen when my body is telling me I am pushing myself too hard. I burn approx 630+ calories every time I get on the bike and I don’t eat all that much (not on purpose I just find that I never have the time lol) and so I am hoping this new found outlet brings me mental clarity and the chance to shed some MUCH needed pounds.

MB (my therapist) and I have been dealing with my body image issues. This is a topic that I am struggling with on many levels. I’m not doing any of the DBT skills work in my therapy with MB so I am trying to keep those skills in the forefront as I deal with some of these issues that are deeply rooted.

Lately I find myself finding it harder and harder to hide the stuff I have going on from coming out in destructive ways. I have gotten so good at being able to let things go, to be able to table my personal issues and keep it out of work but lately it’s becoming so hard. I find myself getting defensive for no reason, angry and upset at the little things and more and more my mind is going to self harm first and I am not able to focus on anything else. I even contemplated calling a suicide hotline the other day because I was so down. I ended up crying myself to sleep but the idea of a suicide hotline used to scare me…this time is sounded like a comfort. I don’t want to die and yet it’s sometimes the ONLY thing I can think about.

I am usually able to handle the stresses of my job (mostly) with ease but lately I feel like nothing I do is right, nothing I say is right and regardless of how hard I work and how hard I push myself it doesn’t matter. The problem is ME. I think these things and people can tell me over and over again the truth but my mind can’t focus on anything but the negative and false reality it seems to have cultivated. It’s like my brain is stuck in this fucked up loop of bullshit and no matter how much I try and reign myself back to reality I can’t get off the ride. I am taking some time off coming up – I need to be able to regroup and let myself decompress from the everyday crap that I can usually shrug off but as of late am only able to obsessively focus on.

I wish it was easier for me to be able to ride out the bad waves. Sometimes I can do it with ease but the past week or so it has felt like I am drowning in this wave. I come up for air and get sucked back down. It’s exhausting to fight the wave. I know I can’t falter, I can’t fall back into my old patterns and yet I can feel myself doing it. I committed myself to getting through this, for trying to live with borderline.

During my session with MB I confessed to her that I had tried to reach out to E but her email was no longer valid. She said “I am so glad you brought that up – she and I were emailing back and forth and she wanted me to share something with you”. A part of me was scared to hear what MB was going to say next or maybe I had just convinced myself that E left and didn’t give a shit about me or my quest for wellness. What MB said next brought happy tears to my eyes. She said that E got the job she had wanted and that she felt terrible but that for some reason she was never able to access her email when she left. She said she would be in contact with me when her new work email was up and running. As happy as I was…I felt like a complete and total asshole. I doubted one of the only people in my life who ever really cared and took an interest in helping me get better. She didn’t forget me…MB said she clearly thinks about me and that bond means something. How could I so quickly dismiss it? how could I think she would abandon me?

How do you guys handle the harder times? What things are you able to do to help you from self destructing?

On a lot of days my borderline just seems like another little piece of who I am and on other days it feels like that is the ONLY thing I am. That kind of back and forth to my emotional mind can be extraordinary difficult to manage and on the days where I can’t seem to focus on anything except the negative it can be so scary. Sometimes I worry I will cut again, sometimes I worry that the urges to drive my car into a lamp post will be so intense that I won’t be able to find a way to save myself. I know it probably sounds dramatic and over the top – sometimes I can’t find a middle ground…like I only have 2 ways to think. High or Low. No middle or common ground.

I need to find that balance. I need to believe that I have it deep inside me. Some days that is easier to believe than others – I just have to keep cleaning my lens and focusing on the things that matter, the important things in my life. I HAVE things to live for, I have people I care about and people who care about me…the ability to get through it is in me, I just have to dig a little deeper to find it.

Happy Friday everyone and thanks for listening!

 

trying to find some new footing

So since my post last night I have worked out on my bike, went grocery shopping and have started making something for a late lunch.

A walk in the brisk air also helped…I’m trying to clear my mind. Find the balance.

I should first state that I am NOT a chef, my overbearing mother however is, and I honestly don’t have much cooking experience. My idea of dinner is hitting up subway for an oven roasted chicken sandwich lol. I have always WANTED to be good at cooking but a lot of my problem is I *HATE* cleaning up afterwards. I am getting better at it all though.

Right now I have simmering on the stove the beginnings of Apple Cinnamon Butternut Squash soup. This is a daring attempt to step outside my comfort zone and really try and make something from scratch. I am scared it will be an epic fail.

Thankfully my entire apartment smells delicious right now…like fall. I pray the soup tastes as good as it smells. I love butternut squash and apples and cinnamon and it honestly doesn’t call for much apple so I think it might be a nice little hint of the taste and not overpower it.

Everything smell so delicious.

I sat with my emotions as I cut up the butternut squash, as I chopped the onion and the apple. I am at peace right now. I needed a day of crying I think in order to get those emotions out – holding in emotions is where it gets dangerous for me and as scary as it is to FEEL so much all at once it isn’t half as scary as doing something I know I’d regret; like cutting or worse.

Final product

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There are a few things I might do differently next time BUT it is actually pretty darn good!! I tastes like fall in a cup🙂 It’s a little thicker than soup but tastes really great. There is a hint of apple and cinnamon but it pairs so nicely with the butternut squash🙂

Tears, fears and abandonment

I tried to email E this week…we had an agreement that I could email her and she might not respond. I was and AM fully okay with that plan. We agreed on it in my very last session with her because she didn’t want me to feel abandoned. The problem? Her email is no longer valid.

hello feelings of abandonment…it’s been awhile…I haven’t missed you.

I cried myself last night feeling so alone. I knew E and I wouldn’t really be “friends” once she left but knowing I had the ability to still reach out made it feel a lot less scary. It helped to know even if she never responded that she was out there still somehow connected to me. Now? Now it is just a void. An empty hole.

I know it’s dramatic, I know it doesn’t make sense. A loss is a loss…so I have to grieve it.

In our last session she gave me a book. A book that meant a lot to her a book that now means a lot to me. I can’t even look at it without crying. It’s practically soaked in my tears right now. I trusted her with pieces I had never even fully admitted to myself before. My dark secrets. The first person to not give a shit about the bad but dug deep inside to pull out the good I still had hidden deep inside. The good I didn’t even know I had anymore.

Maybe I rely too much on others. Maybe I just suffocate those who take the time to get to know me.

I cried all day today. A mix of tears really. J sent me a really frank email that gave me reason to cry happy tears for her, proud tears for her but also tears that made me sad for me. She has so much on her plate, things she needs to work out on her own and her own demons to face. But like most things in order to help her our friendship needs to take a back seat and the creative endeavors we constantly work on will cease for awhile. I’m sad for me because maybe I used those creative endeavors as a crutch, perhaps I wasn’t getting better just finding better ways to hide? I cried happy tears for her and proud tears for her because it was so brave of her to admit what she needs to do. I couldn’t be any prouder to know her let alone have her in my life.

Am I the monster? Am I the reason why everyone leaves? What will it take to find some stability, to have a life? I ruin everything good. All I ever wanted in life was to feel like I mattered and yet when I find people in my life who make me feel like it I push them away and run scared. Those people deserve better than what I give back. I can’t apologize anymore for who I am and what I put people through.

I might not be fully broken but I certainly don’t feel like I could ever be whole. I believed E when she said I could reach out to her, that she would still be there even if she didn’t respond. Maybe the truth is she IS still there for me but right now? right now the tears flow faster than they have in a long time.

It’s funny. After years of not ever being able to cry, of thinking I had no tears left…lately? they don’t stop. Is it possible to drown in tears?

with every high comes a low

I should have known spending more than 15 minutes alone in that house was going to be too much for me.

With my sister on her honeymoon I am dog-sitting at her house, the house I grew up in, the house that has far more demons and darkness than I am ready to face alone. 16 days…it feels like forever. I spent extra time there today to get laundry done for free (so I wouldn’t have to go to the laundromat) and I think that was a mistake.

I thought I was strong enough to not let it consume me, I thought I could handle it.

The basement.

The 20 steps down feel like an eternity. The creeks in the wood even bring back flashes of my past.

The only cold part of that entire house. Freezing. Dark even with all the lights on. Each corner of that place has a memory.

I tried to do the laundry as quickly as I could so I could leave the shadows behind.

I watched a movie there in hopes to keep my mind off the demons of my past – wishing that the clothes would dry faster.

I know where each blade used to be. Strategically hidden. My safety net, my blanket of security when things were out of my control. I still miss them sometimes, I still think about it. I know that it won’t be like this forever – it won’t always be so hard.

My hands caress the old bookcase, the tv stand. I graze over the few VHS’s we still have, the wall that I sponge painted blue. My breath is shallow and deep. I’m 12 years old again. It may no longer have the 4 walls that once used to be my room but I can still see it like it was yesterday.

I got myself back to my apartment as quickly as I could and let the tears flow.

The couch became my rock – I feared what would happen if I left.

Around me all of sudden are scissors, knives…like some sort of sick joke.

I’ll get through this…I just….I get scared of the low after the highs.

It feels like an undertow trying to take me out to sea, struggling to keep my head above water.

I have to remember that no matter how hard it is…I am still surviving and getting through it.

cue the full blown anxiety…

I have a date tomorrow night with a guy I met on OKCupid. I am freaking out.

My last experience was my friend C trying to hook me up with the guy she is seeings friend D…She texted D a picture of me and then boom all of a sudden he was always “busy” or “working overtime” when she was trying to plan a double date. Eventually she got it out of him that it was because of how I looked. Talk about a way to KILL your self-esteem. This has been my entire life. Never good enough, never smart enough, never skinny enough, never pretty enough…so this “date” tomorrow. This is HUGE for me.

I have never been much of a ‘dater’ basically for the reasons I outlined above. It’s hard to date when you hate yourself and spend most of the time you are wishing you are dead. The guy, G, seems really nice, outgoing, a lot of fun. We’ve been talking for a few days and he asked if I wanted to go out. The problem is I do and yet the fear is just so incredibly overwhelming. How is it that I am 30 years old and I am scared fucking shitless about a date?! what the fuck is that?

J said she would go with me as a buffer – I think my level of fear and anxiety warrants a buffer but it also makes me feel like a child…like I need a chaperone. I think J understands what a huge leap this is for me and that helps. We are just gonna meet up and have some beers and maybe get some food and I was completely honest with him that I needed to take things super slow. I’m pretty sure announcing on a first “date” that I am fucked in the head, have borderline personality disorder and have spent most of my life wishing I was dead is NOT the right way to go so I am trying to play it cool. The less he knows about my mental state the better. What if he walks in and turns around when he sees me? what if I’m not good enough? these are the fears and thoughts running through my mind. I don’t want to be lonely, I do want to find someone to connect with on an intimate level the problem is my anxiety.  J is convinced this is good for me and I KNOW she is right…but I’m so fucking anxious. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me? I know I deserve to find someone….but my brain just keeps telling me I’m not enough.

On a far better note? who knows anymore, M brought in her high school yearbook to work. I got to see pictures of B when she was in high school. Do you have any idea how extraordinarily amazing it was to see those? To be able to make copies and have a piece of her that I never had before? God, it’s incredible. She was voted ‘Best Looking’ and ‘Best Body’ and was on the prom court and honor society – she looked just as beautiful as I remembered her. I’m crying right now just typing this. She meant so much to me and it was just SO sweet and wonderful of M to bring back her high school year book so I could have pictures of B, pictures I am not sure anyone in my family has seen before. Her smile…that is what I remember most, that is what I miss.

The quote on her senior picture

“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen”

That quote sums her up perfectly and reminds me not only of her but J. I’m still convinced B played a big part in me getting the job I have and bringing me to my work family. The day she died the world lost an incredible soul and heaven gained a beautiful angel. I have to remember that I got several amazing years with someone who I will always consider a second mother – I have to hold onto that and let go of the anger and sadness. I would give anything to see her again but I wouldn’t give back a single minute of the time I got with her.

And now that I am a blubbering mess I am going to go onto tonight’s meditation:

Tap into the creative flow

Life is creative, and so are you. Let the creative energy of the universe come alive for you. Let it help you bring your creativity alive. Let it bring you the answers, the direction, the guidance you need to create. Let it bring you your ingredients.

What are you trying to create? A more loving, open relationship? More spiritual growth? A new job? A book? A new home? A friendship? A play? A dong? A quilt? A meal? A budget? Ask the universe for the help you need. Ask it to help you find your ingredients; ask it to help you form your vision, get clear on your ideas, and produce the best creation you can.

Your answer may come quickly. As we grow and embrace our connection to the universe, as we embrace our connection to ourselves, we find many of our answers appearing almost immediately. If the answer doesn’t come right away, don’t try to force it. The help will come. The idea will come. The next ingredient for your creation will appear. Sometimes the answer will come softly, almost as a whisper. Other times the guidance will be loud and clear. You will see and hear the guidance clearly and easily when you continue to love yourself.

Tap into the creative energy of the universe. It will help you tap into your own. To tap into God and the creative force, just tap into your heart.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I’m crying happy tears right now.  I asked the universe for a real family. And I got one.

J is the loud and clear guidance that I needed, wanted and feared. She pushed me in ways that MAKE me want to be better. She has shown me what the universe has to offer.

Enjoying life, connecting with nature, watching the birds, the butterflies and gardening…she taught me all of those things. At least she taught me how to be OPEN to all those things and by doing that she helped me discover parts of myself that I never knew I had. I am so lucky and blessed to have such incredible and wonderful people in my life and I need to learn to listen to them more when they are trying to teach me about life and lessons in learning to be myself, forgive myself and finding out who *I* am.

I may not always be sure what I am doing or where this path is going to take me but as long as I have my FAMILY by my side I know I am going to be okay. J and the girls have helped me in ways I never thought possible, they helped me tear down the walls I built up and never once judged me. They love and care about ME and there are no strings attached to it – it is just pure and simple love. I never knew that existed. How blessed am I?

Goodnight world.

 

 

a photo to reflect on

It has been a long time since I have posted. I have lots to say and finding less and less time to say it all. I plan on making time to keep this site updated even if it is just a few sentences. I owe it to myself not to quit yet another thing in my life.

My littler sister L got married this past weekend. It was beautiful. It was in a remote location with no cell service and no internet. I have to admit the idea of ‘unplugging’ was hard for me since I constantly check my work email but it was surprisingly nice. I got to sit on a dock (we couldn’t swim because of leeches😦 oh well) and take in the beautiful and incredible few days.

Here is a picture of that little piece of heaven.

beautiful

Makes you wish you were there huh? I know I’d like to go back there. The sky at night…you could see the stars go on forever. Magical doesn’t even seem like the right word to describe it. I spent most of my younger years looking forward to the day when I no longer lived in the country and had the “city life” and now that I have gotten that part of my life out of my system? the country life is exactly what I need.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I never saw all the beauty that it held before but I know in order to appreciate it the way I do now I needed to take some time away from it. Even still…the twinkle of those stars brought me back to a time in my life when things felt simple, less chaotic. In this place time stood still. This place touched a part of my heart that I had closed off – it has helped me realize a lot of things. Some of those things I will share here and some are too personal to share just yet. But when the time is right I will.

It has been over two weeks since I have seen M for a session…it has been super hard but good for me to find my own footing, deal with the daily ups and downs without the constant need for a professional to help me see the correct way to deal with things. I am sort of proud of myself for doing that, for getting through it all and not losing it. The waves come and go and I need to learn to ride them better but I am slowly but surely getting to a place where I am able to make that happen.

Who knows what tomorrow brings…I hope you guys will still be here to join me on this crazy ride.