take a deep breath and jump

So after several days of thinking, meditating and painting I have decided to make some HUGE changes in my life.

I guess I need to start out by explaining that yesterday I needed to meet with E and then go to another psychiatrist in a neighboring town to TALK about doing another group. It was an extremely exhausting day emotionally and mentally and it really gave me pause to think. After seeing E and then going to this other appointment I was feeling a little defeated – here I am fresh out of 30+ weeks in DBT group and now I am in need of starting another one ASAP. It is hard to put into words how it feels to think in your mind that you have made extraordinary progress and in reality you are still a mess and in need of help.

I met with the other psychiatrist, who was really wonderful and did her best to put me at ease. My anxiety level was at like a 20 (out of 10 and I couldn’t stop shaking) but I knew I was doing the right thing, I knew E was right and that I have made progress and the only way to keep on that path is to continue with another group so I can keep the skills fresh in my mind so I can practice them, work them and find ways to have them (almost) seamlessly become a part of my thinking.

I have issues with things moving to fast especially when it comes to big changes (hello adjustment disorder) and so when I was put on the spot and told I needed to decide right then and there if I was going to do this group I thought I was going to puke – How was I supposed to answer that? I wanted to wait a week to do more pros/cons over this, I wanted to talk it over with E more and yet here I am being told to make a decision (btw did I mention the group started THAT day just several hours later???!!) and in the  end I know I made the right choice but it didn’t make it any easier – and that choice was to say yes.

Thankfully I had the day off from work so I went to see P at her job and tell her how my meeting went and then spent the rest of the day contemplating what felt like every aspect of my life. I wanted to run and not go to group – I just ended one and here I am facing the same fears I did 30+ weeks ago. What if I know someone? what if someone knows my family? what if I can’t handle it? and after a few minutes of closing my eyes and breathing and returning to the present moment I decided to go.

The group is VERY different from the group I did in the past and instead of like 8 people there was 3…makes it much more difficult just sit there and not talk. I had to talk, had to share and it is far less structured then my last group and just found myself so overwhelmed my mind went blank. Nothing. Just blank. I got through it, as E knew I would but I not without walking away thinking about things that have gone down in the past week for me.

I mentioned in one of my other posts how I rely to heavily on my co-workers as my friends, how I reach out and ask SO much of them in understanding what it means to be me, to think the things I think and it is so unfair to them but it is also unfair to me. After the group, the drive home and watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 (again) I came to the decision that I need to take a massive step back from my co-workers. I need to share less about my personal life, i need to share less about how I am feeling and the thoughts most people are scared of that I think (suicide, etc) and so today I decided to start this with them.

I didn’t share anything with them about my appointments (of which they knew about both) and I don’t plan on it – I think being too invested in them personally right now isn’t good for me and in the workplace I think lately I need to lookout for me for awhile. I am GOOD at what I do but there are 101 areas that I can improve on (per my boss) and I think this step is going to be a really important one.

I wish I could say I was ready for it – but honestly it is hard not to reach out and share the details with the people I also consider my “real” family but I can’t. I need to make boundaries and stick to them…I hope they will understand (if they notice) and know that this wall I am going to be putting up isn’t the self destructive kind that I have put up in the past…it is a wall to PROTECT me to find my way on this journey without asking for help every time I don’t think I can handle it. This journey is mine and there will be times when I will need them but this next phase of my journey I need to do alone…so I took the first step and was honest with myself. Then today I started the painful process of setting the boundaries and to do that I just had to take a deep breath and jump.

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