is this the beginning?

It has been a few days since I have posted – on Thursday I saw E for one of our weekly sessions and it actually went okay, I have been seeing things with a clearer lens lately and shared with E the changes I decided to make with stepping back personally with my co-workers. She and I discussed if it was the right time for me to do that, my plans for doing it and all that kind of stuff – I think she was impressed that I had come to that decision on my own and after the hour we both agreed that what I had done was the right thing for me.

Along the same lines I also had a really productive conversation with my boss – I sat down with her and expressed some of my concerns and she listened and validated some of my feelings and I think we came to a great compromise. A year ago I wouldn’t have been able to handle any type of conflict, I wouldn’t have been able to find the words, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. I feel a slight bit proud of myself for choosing to handle this the way that I have. To admit that…that is no small feat.

I find myself staring at what feels like a blank slate…is this what it means to have a fresh start? is this the beginning of a new chapter? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared shitless because lets face it handling change isn’t something I usually do well. Coming to the conclusion that I don’t need everyone to like me, that I don’t need to be buddy-buddy with people, I wish I could explain how it feels both liberating and incredibly scary all at the same time. My entire life feels like I have been trying to please everyone around me and throwing that aside and basically saying “if you don’t like me that is okay” well that is fucking scary as hell. Most of my identity is tied up in what others like or wanted from me and now I am going out into the world as me? I don’t even know who me IS yet.

I finally gave in and turned the heat on in my apartment – the winter has been SO cold and if my toes were so cold I needed a pair of socks AND slippers it was about time to turn it on lol. Of course I looked around my apartment and it is a total shit show – I need to clean I need to be more organized. That is my plan for the rest of today – besides doing a little distracting and self soothing with watching Netflix and doing some art.

I should mention that I am NOT an artist – I consider myself creatively minded but not an artist- I use art as another form of therapy. It was what I started doing before I started seeing E. I used it to find another outlet and a better way to try and deal with what is going on and a better way to handle things besides self destructing. Maybe one day I will get brave and share a piece or two on here – I dabble in everything from charcoal to acrylic and my latest obsession is decoupage.

I already stepped outside my comfort zone today by going out to a diner and having breakfast alone and now to sit back and take some real time for me because although I don’t always think I deserve it I know I do. I spent so much of my time involved with my work that I go months on end without taking a day off – I have taken a big step and requested several days off in the next couple of months. HUGE step but one that is needed…no matter how big or small each step is one step further on my journey to recovery.

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