a weekend of fun

It’s so funny that less then a week ago I was in the middle of a meltdown of epic proportions. These borderline mood swings are exhausting to say the least. In time I think the riding of the waves will get easier and this break in mood came quicker then the last time so maybe that is progress.

I woke up this morning with full intention of working out lol but decided I didn’t feel like it 🙂 I will be up at 5:30 in the morning to get back on the bike before work. Last night I became so overcome with my painting when I woke up I wanted to continue to work on it. I honestly am loving the way it turned out. I have decided to entitle it “Down the Rabbit Hole”.

Down The Rabbit Hole

I wish the details showed up more. It’s mixed media: Acrylic and pastels and it has a lot of depth…the light in the middle is a lot more detailed too. It’s not like a lot of my other stuff and I look forward to hearing what people like (or don’t like) about it. I’ll probably bring it into work and ask my co-workers what they think of it. J has such a great eye when it comes to art and I always look forward to her critiques 🙂

This is the progress I have made on the piece I have posted before. The shooting stars represent two people in my life who passed suddenly and meant so much to me.

Night Sky

Alright I have to go and get my laundry from the laundromat so I will get down to tonight’s meditation and my reflections on it 🙂
I really hope you are all enjoying them, it’s been nice to share them with the world I guess 🙂

Take the Pressure Off

Sometimes we need a little pressure to get moving, but sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves. I must do this, we think, and I must do it better and faster. We begin to believe that only by worry and fear and pressuring ourselves can we get the job done – whether the job is spiritual growth, making a particular decision, or accomplishing a task.

That kind of pressure doesn’t get the job done any better or faster. It simply makes you tense and fearful, and stops the creative juices. Too much pressure can take you out of the present moment. It can inhibit the life force, the flow of life within you. That kind of pressure can make so much noise in your mind that you can’t hear your heart.

We have responsibilities. We have time frames and commitments to others. And there are times when we need to get the job done. But the most pressing job can be done best when we’re relaxed. The most urgent decision can be made most clearly when we’re at peace. It doesn’t help to force ourselves to go faster, be somewhere else, or be someone we’re not. There are few things we need to do that can be enhanced by becoming tense, fearful, and worried. The more pressing the situation, the more pressing the need to be present for ourselves, and be present for each moment.

Let off some stream. Release your emotions. Clear the pathway to the heart. The answer will come. The job will get done.

Give yourself some relief. Take the pressure off.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

Truth. Truth. And More truth.

I am learning how to accept this and try and apply it. I am working hard at trying to take more time for me, to try and stop myself from trying to do everything right all the time. In life and therapy I am learning about releasing my emotions and not let myself get all caught up in the pressure. I went outside my comfort zone today – I went out by myself, I took in the owls and the hawks and felt the cool crisp air and walked on the nature trails alone. I looked for hearts in nature. I painted all weekend. I rekindled something with that newest piece. I don’t know what and I don’t fully know what it represents BUT I do know that I actually like it.

I want to apply this to work more – I have been working SO hard and I think it is really paying off. I want to be able to NOT want to be the best at everything, to have everything be right all the time heck EVERY time. I need to cut myself some slack and know that I am doing everything I can and that my best is good enough. I have a hard time grasping the concept that my best is good enough but I am trying like hell to get to a point where I fully believe it.

look at me being social…

Last night was so much fun and it just continued into today.

My friend N and I went out for breakfast – much needed after a night of lots of scotch LOL. N and I chit chatted about all different things, we ate delicious pancakes and hung out. After that I showered and just vegged on the couch until lunch. Some friends from last night (S, D, M and J) were going to a local burger place and asked if I wanted to go. N came to pick me up (late and after she got lost LOL she had just been to my place 3 hours earlier mind you lol) and away we went. It was nice to have people invite me out, the reality that people WANT to spend time with me is one I still have a hard time coming to terms with but more on that later.

You know I usually tense up in social situations, I usually use alcohol to make myself seem funnier or more attractive to people. I was able to just hang out with people and be myself (the version of myself I know right now anyways) and laugh and have a good time. Somewhere between last night and this morning my mood broke. I really laughed, I had a lot of fun with some AMAZING people and it was so wonderful to feel wanted and loved.

Beers, burgers, eggplant fries, friends and laughter, could you ask for a better afternoon??  The answer is no.

 

Who or What is Pulling on You?

Learn to become sensitive to the quiet as well as the clamorous pulls on your energy, your time, your emotions. You are becoming connected – to yourself, the universe, God others – in a way you have never been before. To deny these pulls is to deny the connections.

A quiet tug on our consciousness may be telling us what we need to do. We think about an old friend and contemplate calling her, but we don’t. Don’t be silly, we tell ourselves. Why would I do that now? But maybe that friend is calling out to us. Or we have a problem we haven’t known how to solve. That situation begins working on us, bothering us, interrupting our day. Maybe our instincts are telling us it’s now time to do something about it.

We are living differently now, more magically, more at east, more at one with our actions. One way we know it is time to do something not on the calendar or the clock is to pay attention to the quiet pulls on our energy. Being conscious of these impulses, then trusting ourselves to naturally know what to do and when to do it puts us in harmony with the universe and our soul.

Who or what is pulling on you? What do you think you should do? Now, take it to the next step, the next level. What does your heart lead you to do?

taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

This meditation really gave me pause to think. I am aware of all of these feelings, sensations, and energies lately that I have never been aware of before. It’s almost like this of awakening of something – I don’t know. I feel so different then I did a year ago – hanging out with people, socializing, drinking because I like it not because I want people to like me, feeling accepted. It’s like this whole new arena in my life and as much as I love it (which believe me I DO love it), it is also scary as hell. In one breathe I can’t believe people think I am worth hanging out with and in the next I worry about what I am going to do to completely screw it all up. I don’t know if it’s the therapy or the skills or what has caused this clarity for me today (maybe it’s the eggplant fries or the beer or just the great time I had with everyone today) but it’s nice to feel…wanted? Sometimes when I think about it I feel stupid, that someone who is 30 should be able to feel these things, understand them and accept them and yet for me it is this huge struggle.

I came home and relaxed and did a whole lot of nothing but then a few hours ago I become incredibly inspired to paint. I do decoupage, charcoal and paint but it has been awhile since I have painted (the last time I painted was the piece I posted back in January) but something inside me told me to paint. I will post a picture of it tomorrow but even though the colors are dark…the piece itself gives me hope. It’s kind of interesting lol.

Well off to bed…I ate and drank a shit ton today so my ass needs to get back on the bike in the morning and burn some calories 🙂

 

scotch, scotch, scotch….

Today was just as emotionally exhausting as yesterday. I had told E I would call her today to check in with how I was doing. I didn’t want to talk to her – I was still incredibly angry and upset with her. She asked me to tell her what “skills” I was using and honestly work was so busy, we are understaffed and I wasn’t using any of the skills consciously. After a few minutes we ended the conversation and I continued on with my day. I haven’t felt this exhausted in a long time but one of my co-workers is out (for how long we don’t know) and so we are trying to keep up with the massive amount of work for 4 with 3 of us!

E and I ended up talking at the end of the day and I was FINALLY able to express my anger and views in a way she could understand and I feel like she finally heard me. It was nice to be able to get my feelings out in a way that not only made me feel like I was sharing something important to me but also that I still had the respect of E. I feel like she finally got WHY I was upset and WHAT it meant to me to feel like the decisions regarding my recovery were made by me and how I didn’t want to feel like I was constantly compromising for what other people wanted.

After work it was our monthly get together where we drink wine, don’t talk about work and just generally drink, laugh and have a good time. This month we decided to try scotches and I had NEVER had scotch before. There were a fair amount of people there and several pups and it was really just a GOOD time. I worry about drinking when I am on this downward spiral but I was able to drink responsibly, have fun, interact with people and feel comfortable. That doesn’t happen all that much for me and it was nice to feel so accepted by people. It’s nice to feel wanted and to feel that people WANT to hang out with me.

Tonight’s meditation

Move gently into forgiveness

“I never knew how much I blamed and hated myself. I never knew how much shame and self-contempt I picked up from situations I’d been through until I really forgave myself and felt how that feels,” one woman said to me.

Loving yourself, forgiving yourself, accepting yourself – all of these feel different from judging yourself. Many of us have lived with so much judgment of ourselves that we take these feelings for granted. We just think that’s’ how we’re doomed to feel. Until we do forgive ourselves, we don’t realize how much we need to, and how good, how great, how absolutely terrific that feels.

I was leery of forgiveness for many years. I thought forgiving implied judging. And because judging was wrong and I shouldn’t do it, I didn’t need to forgive. The problem was, whether right or wrong, I had judged myself. And now I needed forgiveness.

Self-judgments set us apart, separate us from the rest of the world in an undesirable way. Forgiving ourselves reconnects us to the world, to God, to ourselves.

We can forgive ourselves for what we’ve done wrong, what we’ve done badly, and what we think we could have done better. We can transcend our judgments of ourselves.

Move gently into forgiveness. Love, forgive, and accept yourself. See how connected you feel. See how free you really are and always have been. See how much better you feel!

Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

This is one I continue to have the hardest time with. I know I need to forgive myself, cut myself slack and know that just because I choose to forgive myself does not mean that I am judging myself. The problem I have is that I AM judging myself. That is where I need to be able to find the balance. I hate being borderline, I hate being depressed and I hate how alone it all makes me feel – but after a night like tonight all of that goes away. I had FUN tonight, I let loose and enjoyed the people around me. I didn’t think about my convos today with E, I didn’t think about how scared I have been, how alone I feel. Tonight was just fun.

It’s funny to think just last night I was in tears and today I am BEYOND exhausted but feeling okay. That’s the part of my disorder I have such a hard time with – the constant roller coaster. I never know how I am going to feel at any given moment and as great as the prozac is to help stabilize the moods it would be nice to feel like I had a little more control over it. I am sure I can reflect on this more tomorrow but right now I just need to change into pjs and hop into bed.

Goodnight all, goodnight beautiful moon….

fears, tears and anxiety galore…

Today was complete and total shit…it didn’t start out that way but it sure as hell ended like it. I had my weekly session with E today. Things were going okay up until the point where we started talking about how she is leaving and I will need to transition to a new therapist. This other therapist, M, is one I know from group but I also know that she puts a lot of restrictions on patients that she takes – I asked E “If I go to M will she MAKE me do group again” she said she didn’t know but that it was her recommendation that I do the 40 week DBT group again. I told her I hadn’t made up my mind about group again, that I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it – she kept pushing me and pushing me. I finally asked her a question that I did NOT want the answer too:

Me: If you weren’t leaving and recommended I do group and I chose not to do it, would you drop me as a client.

E: Yes.

That was it. The wall was up, I couldn’t hold back the tears any more. I have worked SO hard to take charge of my life, take my recovery into my own hands and yet I don’t feel any of the choices have TRULY been mine. I did the first group because E wanted me to, I did the newest group because E told me it was for the best and all the while I have been feeling like my voice isn’t being heard; that what *I* want or think doesn’t matter.

When I got back from the session from hell all I wanted was to collapse and cry and have someone tell me that I mattered, that how I wanted to live my life and how I chose to approach MY recovery they supported. I don’t know if I will do the group again, I don’t know if I will continue therapy when E leaves but I do know that I want the decisions to be MINE, I want to feel that I weigh all the pros and cons, I want to feel that I thought it out completely, I want to feel that I CHOSE my path – I don’t want to feel that I did it for someone else. I don’t want to feel that I am letting others (including myself down) by compromising again.

I wish I knew how to feel in moments like these, I wish there was a magic button or cure to make the tears stop, to make the shit slow down…but there isn’t I just have to ride the fucking wave until it passes….

Today’s meditation/reflection

Discover New Beliefs

The drive from Zion National Park to Bryce Canyon in Utah was a short one. I had traveled the same route several times. At a certain pass, no matter how sunny the day and cloudless the sky, it was raining there every time. Although it was hard to see, a small dark cloud seemed to hang over this one particular place, this one area of the road, all the time.

It may be like that in a particular area in our lives. A certain belief seems almost stuck to us, stuck to one area of our lives, and no matter how sunny the rest of the drive is, it’s raining there all the time. What cloud is hanging over you? Could it be one you’re helping to create?

Some beliefs – my choices are wrong, I made bad decisions, I’m wrong – can create a dark heaviness that hangs over us like a cloud. Those beliefs may be so subtle we don’t notice them. What we do notice is the lingering pain or anxiety, a cloud that seems to follow us around. What we don’t see is that we’re helping create and maintain our own could with these beliefs.

The lesson may no be to make better decisions or be a better person. The lesson may be much simpler: change your beliefs. Make some new decisions. Let yourself discover some new, better, sunnier beliefs about yourself and your life. All yourself to believe that the decisions you make are fine.

Who you are is okay. You always have been.

from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

My Reflection:

This is me flipping off this fucking meditation. Maybe it was fate I read it but honestly I am too tired from crying, too tired from this day, week, month to fight the honesty in this reading. My entire life feels like a black cloud – why can’t the path of my recovery be as beautiful as the yellow brick road? why is it that the wicked witch lives in my own head, that I feel like I am lost in the forest far more then skipping through the poppy patch? I just want to feel happiness. I want to feel the sun upon my face, I don’t want to feel like I am drowning in the dark heaviness. Why is it so hard for me? why?

Negative energy

So I am not entirely sure WHAT my issue is these days but I am just feeling UGLY inside and out. I cry at the drop of a hat, I feel constantly alone and whatever skills I grasp at don’t seem to be working. One of my co-workers was like “wow you are SO off today” and gave me a hug. I wasn’t in a hug mood because anytime someone touches me lately all I was to do is cry but I let her anyways. I’m BEYOND lucky to have the people in my life that have chosen to stay (even with knowing my diagnosis) and are patient with me as I continue to learn and grow. I wish I could put my finger on why I feel the way I do sometimes – like I was there was an absolute reason why these moods come on but I don’t and that perpetuates my anger and frustration even more.

I’m still feeling SO upset about how I treated J yesterday. I am trying so hard to let it go because I can’t take back what I said and I can move forward with it but I never should have lashed out at her, she didn’t deserve it – I lashed out at her because I didn’t want to admit what she was saying was right. I was starting show signs of the “old me” holding in anger, not being able to communicate effectively and so instead of just being mad at me I pushed away the one person who has been beside me celebrating every single step of progress I have made in this recovery. FUCKING A I am a shitty shitty friend are the thoughts that run through my head that I am having a problem trying to quiet down. How can you apologize to someone whom you owe your life to when you push them away during the hard times? This is how I have lost friends in the past, this is why my family doesn’t understand me and I am trying like HELL to stop old patterns but I slip up, I fall down and now I have to get back up.

I treated myself to some Chinese food for dinner and have been cleaning my apartment. It looks like a shit box right now and it’s hard for me to concentrate on anything when it looks like this. I mindfully washed a load of dishes and instead of watching Six Feet Under while doing dishes or cleaning I really let myself experience it, really let myself just be.

Tonight’s meditation:

Resentments Hurt Everybody

Resentments only hurt ourselves? Not true. Resentments can hurt others, too.

When we brood and allow resentments to brew and fester, we send negative, mean, hurtful, spiteful energy to others. The more consciously and vividly we do this, the more pain we can cause everyone. The more bonded we are with others, whether they’re business associates, friends, lovers, or family members, the more powerfully our resentments can impact them as well as us.

So if you’re busy thinking resentful thoughts about someone close to you on the job or at home, consider the harm you are doing to him or her. The more powerful the emotions connected to these thoughts and the closer you are to the person, the more damage you can do. You can sabotage the other person, help keep him or her down. Even if you don’t speak your resentments aloud, even if you try and hide the way you feel, the energy is there in the air hurting both of you. Just as we focus on clearing the air we breathe of toxins, we need to cleanse the air around us at work and at home from the toxic fumes of resentment.

Remember, when we harbor hate, jealousy or rage, we connect to others in ways that hurt us all. Let’s set others free. Let’s release our resentments. Along the way, we’ll set ourselves and our hearts free, too.

From Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

The truth in tonight’s meditation is smacking me in the face. As great as this book is sometimes I don’t need THIS much of a reality check lol. I have been holding SO much in as of late, so many emotions and so many feelings and instead of expressing them and letting them go I am allowing the energy I give off to be negative. That ISN’T how I want to live my life – it ISN’T the person I am meant to be. J was totally right when she said it was “old me” and I resented it so much but she was completely and utterly right…I wasn’t mad or upset that she said it…I was mad and upset it was true and instead of owning it like an adult I took it out on her and reverted back to the person I used to be and I’ve expressed to her how truly sorry I am for it.

There are times where I am SO jealous of J – not only is she gorgeous (inside and out – she truly has taught me so much about inner beauty as well as outer) but as someone with a similar mental pathology she is further along in her recovery and I so desperately want to be at the same level she is at. I get increasingly frustrated with myself sometimes because I constantly want to be further along, comparing myself and my journey to hers. I know every single person has a different journey and path and I shouldn’t compare mine to anyone else and I am slowly getting better at it. My journey is my own and I have to own it and take responsibility for it. I think sometimes I forget I haven’t even been in therapy for a year, I forget that I never planned on seeing 2012 and when I think about that I have to cut myself some slack. I am not perfect, I am human and I am on the right path.

until tomorrow…

Nightly meditation and reflection

Make each moment count

“A picture isn’t taken in a moment,” stated the brochure for the Cottonwood, Colorado, hotel. “It’s taken of a moment.”

It took me a ling time to learn that important truth. I spent years trying to get my life together and keep it together, as though it were a solid chunk that could be arranged in a certain place, then made to stay there. It took me a long time to learn about the moments.

In many ways, our lives are like a movie reel, made up of individual frames and single moments each one leading into the next. It is a waste of energy to try and hold on to the moments of the past. By the time we begin reaching for them, they’re gone. It is just as poor timing to try to jump into moments that have no arrived yet – the future.

Stay in the present moment, the frame you’re in now. That’s the only moment where happiness, joy, and love can be found. And remember to make each moment count.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart‘ by Melody Beattie

So I am not sure I could have needed to read anything more today.

I was overly sensitive all day, snapped at J via email and was just overall not in a good place. I guess I am feeling pretty sensitive about group right now, not just the current group I am in (which has a severe lack of communication) but also the possibility of doing another group, far more sensitive then I thought I was and instead of dealing with it correctly I took it out on one of the people that I love, adore and appreciate more than anything. This part of the meditation [I spent years trying to get my life together and keep it together, as though it were a solid chunk that could be arranged in a certain place, then made to stay there] sums up so much about how I feel about my recovery.

I was angry about group and J told me that I needed to see the bigger picture – that it ” is what it is” and I can’t get caught up in the negative and she was right I don’t have my lens big enough or clear enough to see the full picture – I am TRYING so hard to get a place where I can more fluidly find myself able to see a bigger picture, where I don’t get lost in the negative thoughts. I am just not there yet and that frustrates me.  I am proud of the steps I have made, I called E, she helped me with my skills and I’m thinking about how I plan to address it with the leader of the group once we meet again. E thinks it will the PERFECT chance to use my interpersonal skills and to be honest she is right but I am scared shitless. There are so many aspects to my recovery that I am struggling with – that scare me, that worry me just as there are aspects that bring me joy, freedom, happiness. There are times where I feel like I am in this limbo…when what I need to be doing is experiencing the moments for what they are and treasure them. As far as I have come on this path I still have a long way to go I am bound to slip and fall, where I am bound to find myself caught up in the negative and that is the part I am having a hard time accepting. I want so desperately to not feel controlled by my borderline tendencies but on days like today it still feels like it controls every aspect of my being.

I envy people who seem to have it all and who seem to be handle any situation – I know that nobody has it 100 percent together and that things are never as black and white as they seem yet I can’t stop my brain from thinking it. Does anyone else struggle with this? I just want so badly to be able to get through ONE day without the insecurities, without the fear and without the anxiety of life.

March 25th – Nightly meditation and reflection

Break through your Blocks

I was walking at a good clip down a sandy Colony Beach when it happened. Without warning, I began running. I ran the longest distance I had ever before run. Instead of collapsing in a panting heap, I kept running. Another stretch. Then another. By the time I tired, I had run a mile. The furthest I had ever before run in my life was about a quarter block.

I didn’t intend to make this breakthrough. I was so blocked in this area I didn’t think I could. Running wasn’t even a goal. I had simply incorporated regular walks into my lifestyle as a way of exercising my body. This event surprised me because I’m not a physical fitness buff. I hadn’t been allowed to participate in any physical education or sports activities as a child or teenager because of chronic health ailments. I spent many of my adult years neglecting with my body. Lately, I had put some effort into connecting with my body and working out in an amateurish fashion. But running? Not me. Or so I used to think.

The next time I went walking, I felt timid, almost afraid to even try running. I wondered if what I had experienced was a fluke. It wasn’t. I ran again, and again. Now, running is a regular part of my physical activity, one I truly enjoy.

Sometimes, we’re so blocked in a particular area we don’t even consider a breakthrough a possibility. We’re so blocked we don’t even see our blocks. Stay open. Don’t limit yourself. Something that yesterday seemed entirely unfeasible and forever beyond your grasp may tomorrow, next month, next year – or today – become something you can do naturally, something that’s available to you. It can come as a total surprise, in an area you hadn’t considered. Your breakthrough my happen in an area you’ve been struggling with, and working on.

Life is more than setbacks, and it’s not static. Appreciate and respect where you are now. But let yourself move to the next level when it’s time. Celebrate your breakthroughs when they come. Listen to that quiet voice, that fleeting through that says, What don’t you…?, even if it is something you’ve never done before.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart‘ by Melody Beattie

My reflection:

Wow did I need to read this today. There has been so many occasions where I was so blocked in thinking that recovery could ever happen – I was so set on self destructing until there was nothing left. I didn’t think I could function around others or be what society considers “normal”. A year ago I wanted to die. Today I thank heavens for the amazing people in my life, thank God that the people in my life refused to give up on me and forced me to get help. Today I can acknowledge when things that would have destroyed me I am now able to handle with a little more ease. None of it is EASY but it all now seems a little more manageable. I celebrate those moments now without feeling overly guilty about it – without feeling selfish. It’s almost a little bit liberating to actually say it and acknowledge it’s truth.

I had a session with E the other day – I am in this new group and they have cancelled it 3 weeks in a row. It is supposed to be every Monday and right now I am not driving my car so today I left work EARLY, took a bus and got there just to find out it had been cancelled AGAIN. 4 times in a row. This time nobody called, nobody emailed…nothing. It is hard to take this new group seriously when I feel like the leader of the group doesn’t take it that seriously. Granted, I fully understand that she has a family emergency and been out of town however I don’t feel like it’s helpful to anyone’s recovery not to have a backup plan. I had just spent a session with E last week talking about how frustrating it is and how I didn’t want to go anymore. I spent most of my session pissed off at her for constantly harping on the fact that I shouldn’t “cut off my nose to spite my face” and by the end of the session we were both crying because she is leaving in a few months.

There are times, mostly at night, where the abandonment issues of my BPD really take hold. E was the first person I ever trusted with all of my darkest secrets and in a few months I will need to start over and transition to a new therapist. I don’t like change, I don’t want people leaving me…but I am also aware that in order to grow I need to experience these types of transitions. E came into my life when I needed her the most and she is leaving when the time is right – I will miss her like crazy but I know the next chapter will bring something else new and exciting.

What did YOU think of tonight’s mediation? Does it give you pause to reflect? Feel free to comment and share ❤

March 24th – Nightly meditation and reflection

Tap into Life’s Energy

Life is not something separate or apart from you, as you once believed. There is a power, a life force, that moves, guides, directs, and inspires you. You are one with life, with life’s energy.

Do things that energize you, charge your soul. Soak up the sun. Soak up the color. Soak up beautiful sounds. Immerse yourself in nature, in a world that refreshes, restores, and renews. Don’t worry about the task or the day that looms ahead, the work and love and play, the problems and choices that are on the way. If you energize yourself, restore yourself, the power to take action will come naturally like water from a spring.

Look around. What do you see that feels right to do? Which direction do you see as the right way to go? Trust the smallest glimmer. Give into the urge, to the guidance that’s there. Do it once. Do it again. Soon you will find yourself in harmony.

You will have all the guidance, energy, ideas, creativity, power, and ability you need to do all you’re meant to do. And you will be given the power to enjoy it.

Taken from the book ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

My reflection:

This particular meditation reminded me so much of my friend J. J has this ability to be so one with nature in almost everything she does – and not in a hippie kind of way just that she is so natural and in harmony with life. I think that is one of the reasons I am so drawn to her as a person – I’ve never had anyone in my life that is so free spirited, so alive in nature, so naturally wonderful. In the past few week I have felt myself because more in tune with life’s energy – more aware of it at least. My uncle recently passed away and there was a celebration held this past weekend on what would have been his 61st birthday – he was an artist through and through and surrounded himself with the most incredible people I have ever met. As I was leaving the party I passed a pile of logs and do you know what I found? A heart…plain as day – it was like he was smiling down letting me know he was still there. It was a moment I think I will remember forever.

Heart in Nature

He was an incredible man who died far too young. He understood me, he and I had art in common. I think maybe that is why I connect so much with J – She is an artist through and through – a complete creative being just like my uncle was. I like surrounding myself with people who “get it” and it is nice to feel loved for who I am and not what my family or others around me want to be. Having a friend like J in my life has made me come to realize that maybe I am an artist (I never considered myself one) or in the very least a creative being with some kind of talent to share with the world. I’m beyond blessed to have someone willing to see past the disorder and understand that I am still a person and she lets me know a pretty darn good one.

What does today’s meditation mean to any of you? Feel free to share and comment!

 

Nightly meditations

So I was at a local used book store recently and I found this amazing book called “Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the path to freeing your soul” by Melody Beattie. I had heard a lot about her work and immediately grabbed at the chance to own it. At work we are constantly reading and finding things for us to think about, meditate on and bring us some sort of enlightenment to our day – it has become a daily ritual that I have grown to love and appreciate. My co-worker M has these AMAZING daily cards by Melody Beattie as well so everyday one of us picks a card (without looking) and that is what we think about and how it can affect our day! We have even started an email group to get these daily spiritual things to to anyone else in our department who would like to have something positive to start the day with.

When I got the Journey to the Heart book I decided I wanted to keep it at home and only read it at night. I have a hard time at night, especially cause I live alone, and so having something positive to reflect on before I go to bed has really helped me. I figured that maybe others can benefit from it as well – not all of them are a comment on my borderline, not all of them are overly prolific for me but I know I am getting something out of them and  thought it might be worth sharing with others.

I have had a lot happen in the past month…too much to really do in one post but I hope to be more on top of posting again now that I feel that I am in a good head space. I have been much MUCH more social these days, going out with friends, I “ran” a 5K and I am actually having fun when I am out with others. I went to a monastery with a friend, I am learning how to express myself and share with people. It has been, for the most part, positive for me. I won’t lie and say I haven’t had some rough times – because I have. I’ve broken down, cried but I have been able to pick myself up (with the help of the most amazing people I could ask for). I forgot to renew my license and got pulled over the other day – thank GOD they didn’t breathalyze me, not because I was drunk because I wasn’t but I had just been at the bar with friends and had 2 beers! I got a summons to go to court and that usually would have put me over the edge emotionally but I am handling it okay. A co-worker is bringing me to and from work since she lives RIGHT down the street and I am ever so grateful to her! I am a lucky person to have the people in my life that I do.

The 5K was an experience – I didn’t run the whole thing, I jogged most of it and walked the rest and I completed it without dying so really I couldn’t be happier about it lol. I got to hang with some awesome peeps from work afterwards and we went back to J’s house and did some decoupage art. It was a lot of fun, I enjoyed the time I got to spend with friend. Drinking wine, laughing, creating art…it was just a completely peaceful experience. J is the older sister I always wanted, she pushes me, she cares about me and I am truly honored that she lets me be a part of her life.

So starting tonight I will post the “meditation” of the day and my thoughts that go along with it. Hopefully my lack of posting didn’t scare you all away!