March 25th – Nightly meditation and reflection

Break through your Blocks

I was walking at a good clip down a sandy Colony Beach when it happened. Without warning, I began running. I ran the longest distance I had ever before run. Instead of collapsing in a panting heap, I kept running. Another stretch. Then another. By the time I tired, I had run a mile. The furthest I had ever before run in my life was about a quarter block.

I didn’t intend to make this breakthrough. I was so blocked in this area I didn’t think I could. Running wasn’t even a goal. I had simply incorporated regular walks into my lifestyle as a way of exercising my body. This event surprised me because I’m not a physical fitness buff. I hadn’t been allowed to participate in any physical education or sports activities as a child or teenager because of chronic health ailments. I spent many of my adult years neglecting with my body. Lately, I had put some effort into connecting with my body and working out in an amateurish fashion. But running? Not me. Or so I used to think.

The next time I went walking, I felt timid, almost afraid to even try running. I wondered if what I had experienced was a fluke. It wasn’t. I ran again, and again. Now, running is a regular part of my physical activity, one I truly enjoy.

Sometimes, we’re so blocked in a particular area we don’t even consider a breakthrough a possibility. We’re so blocked we don’t even see our blocks. Stay open. Don’t limit yourself. Something that yesterday seemed entirely unfeasible and forever beyond your grasp may tomorrow, next month, next year – or today – become something you can do naturally, something that’s available to you. It can come as a total surprise, in an area you hadn’t considered. Your breakthrough my happen in an area you’ve been struggling with, and working on.

Life is more than setbacks, and it’s not static. Appreciate and respect where you are now. But let yourself move to the next level when it’s time. Celebrate your breakthroughs when they come. Listen to that quiet voice, that fleeting through that says, What don’t you…?, even if it is something you’ve never done before.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart‘ by Melody Beattie

My reflection:

Wow did I need to read this today. There has been so many occasions where I was so blocked in thinking that recovery could ever happen – I was so set on self destructing until there was nothing left. I didn’t think I could function around others or be what society considers “normal”. A year ago I wanted to die. Today I thank heavens for the amazing people in my life, thank God that the people in my life refused to give up on me and forced me to get help. Today I can acknowledge when things that would have destroyed me I am now able to handle with a little more ease. None of it is EASY but it all now seems a little more manageable. I celebrate those moments now without feeling overly guilty about it – without feeling selfish. It’s almost a little bit liberating to actually say it and acknowledge it’s truth.

I had a session with E the other day – I am in this new group and they have cancelled it 3 weeks in a row. It is supposed to be every Monday and right now I am not driving my car so today I left work EARLY, took a bus and got there just to find out it had been cancelled AGAIN. 4 times in a row. This time nobody called, nobody emailed…nothing. It is hard to take this new group seriously when I feel like the leader of the group doesn’t take it that seriously. Granted, I fully understand that she has a family emergency and been out of town however I don’t feel like it’s helpful to anyone’s recovery not to have a backup plan. I had just spent a session with E last week talking about how frustrating it is and how I didn’t want to go anymore. I spent most of my session pissed off at her for constantly harping on the fact that I shouldn’t “cut off my nose to spite my face” and by the end of the session we were both crying because she is leaving in a few months.

There are times, mostly at night, where the abandonment issues of my BPD really take hold. E was the first person I ever trusted with all of my darkest secrets and in a few months I will need to start over and transition to a new therapist. I don’t like change, I don’t want people leaving me…but I am also aware that in order to grow I need to experience these types of transitions. E came into my life when I needed her the most and she is leaving when the time is right – I will miss her like crazy but I know the next chapter will bring something else new and exciting.

What did YOU think of tonight’s mediation? Does it give you pause to reflect? Feel free to comment and share ❤

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