Nightly meditation and reflection

Make each moment count

“A picture isn’t taken in a moment,” stated the brochure for the Cottonwood, Colorado, hotel. “It’s taken of a moment.”

It took me a ling time to learn that important truth. I spent years trying to get my life together and keep it together, as though it were a solid chunk that could be arranged in a certain place, then made to stay there. It took me a long time to learn about the moments.

In many ways, our lives are like a movie reel, made up of individual frames and single moments each one leading into the next. It is a waste of energy to try and hold on to the moments of the past. By the time we begin reaching for them, they’re gone. It is just as poor timing to try to jump into moments that have no arrived yet – the future.

Stay in the present moment, the frame you’re in now. That’s the only moment where happiness, joy, and love can be found. And remember to make each moment count.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart‘ by Melody Beattie

So I am not sure I could have needed to read anything more today.

I was overly sensitive all day, snapped at J via email and was just overall not in a good place. I guess I am feeling pretty sensitive about group right now, not just the current group I am in (which has a severe lack of communication) but also the possibility of doing another group, far more sensitive then I thought I was and instead of dealing with it correctly I took it out on one of the people that I love, adore and appreciate more than anything. This part of the meditation [I spent years trying to get my life together and keep it together, as though it were a solid chunk that could be arranged in a certain place, then made to stay there] sums up so much about how I feel about my recovery.

I was angry about group and J told me that I needed to see the bigger picture – that it ” is what it is” and I can’t get caught up in the negative and she was right I don’t have my lens big enough or clear enough to see the full picture – I am TRYING so hard to get a place where I can more fluidly find myself able to see a bigger picture, where I don’t get lost in the negative thoughts. I am just not there yet and that frustrates me.  I am proud of the steps I have made, I called E, she helped me with my skills and I’m thinking about how I plan to address it with the leader of the group once we meet again. E thinks it will the PERFECT chance to use my interpersonal skills and to be honest she is right but I am scared shitless. There are so many aspects to my recovery that I am struggling with – that scare me, that worry me just as there are aspects that bring me joy, freedom, happiness. There are times where I feel like I am in this limbo…when what I need to be doing is experiencing the moments for what they are and treasure them. As far as I have come on this path I still have a long way to go I am bound to slip and fall, where I am bound to find myself caught up in the negative and that is the part I am having a hard time accepting. I want so desperately to not feel controlled by my borderline tendencies but on days like today it still feels like it controls every aspect of my being.

I envy people who seem to have it all and who seem to be handle any situation – I know that nobody has it 100 percent together and that things are never as black and white as they seem yet I can’t stop my brain from thinking it. Does anyone else struggle with this? I just want so badly to be able to get through ONE day without the insecurities, without the fear and without the anxiety of life.


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