Negative energy

So I am not entirely sure WHAT my issue is these days but I am just feeling UGLY inside and out. I cry at the drop of a hat, I feel constantly alone and whatever skills I grasp at don’t seem to be working. One of my co-workers was like “wow you are SO off today” and gave me a hug. I wasn’t in a hug mood because anytime someone touches me lately all I was to do is cry but I let her anyways. I’m BEYOND lucky to have the people in my life that have chosen to stay (even with knowing my diagnosis) and are patient with me as I continue to learn and grow. I wish I could put my finger on why I feel the way I do sometimes – like I was there was an absolute reason why these moods come on but I don’t and that perpetuates my anger and frustration even more.

I’m still feeling SO upset about how I treated J yesterday. I am trying so hard to let it go because I can’t take back what I said and I can move forward with it but I never should have lashed out at her, she didn’t deserve it – I lashed out at her because I didn’t want to admit what she was saying was right. I was starting show signs of the “old me” holding in anger, not being able to communicate effectively and so instead of just being mad at me I pushed away the one person who has been beside me celebrating every single step of progress I have made in this recovery. FUCKING A I am a shitty shitty friend are the thoughts that run through my head that I am having a problem trying to quiet down. How can you apologize to someone whom you owe your life to when you push them away during the hard times? This is how I have lost friends in the past, this is why my family doesn’t understand me and I am trying like HELL to stop old patterns but I slip up, I fall down and now I have to get back up.

I treated myself to some Chinese food for dinner and have been cleaning my apartment. It looks like a shit box right now and it’s hard for me to concentrate on anything when it looks like this. I mindfully washed a load of dishes and instead of watching Six Feet Under while doing dishes or cleaning I really let myself experience it, really let myself just be.

Tonight’s meditation:

Resentments Hurt Everybody

Resentments only hurt ourselves? Not true. Resentments can hurt others, too.

When we brood and allow resentments to brew and fester, we send negative, mean, hurtful, spiteful energy to others. The more consciously and vividly we do this, the more pain we can cause everyone. The more bonded we are with others, whether they’re business associates, friends, lovers, or family members, the more powerfully our resentments can impact them as well as us.

So if you’re busy thinking resentful thoughts about someone close to you on the job or at home, consider the harm you are doing to him or her. The more powerful the emotions connected to these thoughts and the closer you are to the person, the more damage you can do. You can sabotage the other person, help keep him or her down. Even if you don’t speak your resentments aloud, even if you try and hide the way you feel, the energy is there in the air hurting both of you. Just as we focus on clearing the air we breathe of toxins, we need to cleanse the air around us at work and at home from the toxic fumes of resentment.

Remember, when we harbor hate, jealousy or rage, we connect to others in ways that hurt us all. Let’s set others free. Let’s release our resentments. Along the way, we’ll set ourselves and our hearts free, too.

From Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

The truth in tonight’s meditation is smacking me in the face. As great as this book is sometimes I don’t need THIS much of a reality check lol. I have been holding SO much in as of late, so many emotions and so many feelings and instead of expressing them and letting them go I am allowing the energy I give off to be negative. That ISN’T how I want to live my life – it ISN’T the person I am meant to be. J was totally right when she said it was “old me” and I resented it so much but she was completely and utterly right…I wasn’t mad or upset that she said it…I was mad and upset it was true and instead of owning it like an adult I took it out on her and reverted back to the person I used to be and I’ve expressed to her how truly sorry I am for it.

There are times where I am SO jealous of J – not only is she gorgeous (inside and out – she truly has taught me so much about inner beauty as well as outer) but as someone with a similar mental pathology she is further along in her recovery and I so desperately want to be at the same level she is at. I get increasingly frustrated with myself sometimes because I constantly want to be further along, comparing myself and my journey to hers. I know every single person has a different journey and path and I shouldn’t compare mine to anyone else and I am slowly getting better at it. My journey is my own and I have to own it and take responsibility for it. I think sometimes I forget I haven’t even been in therapy for a year, I forget that I never planned on seeing 2012 and when I think about that I have to cut myself some slack. I am not perfect, I am human and I am on the right path.

until tomorrow…

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