Today was complete and total shit…it didn’t start out that way but it sure as hell ended like it. I had my weekly session with E today. Things were going okay up until the point where we started talking about how she is leaving and I will need to transition to a new therapist. This other therapist, M, is one I know from group but I also know that she puts a lot of restrictions on patients that she takes – I asked E “If I go to M will she MAKE me do group again” she said she didn’t know but that it was her recommendation that I do the 40 week DBT group again. I told her I hadn’t made up my mind about group again, that I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it – she kept pushing me and pushing me. I finally asked her a question that I did NOT want the answer too:
Me: If you weren’t leaving and recommended I do group and I chose not to do it, would you drop me as a client.
That was it. The wall was up, I couldn’t hold back the tears any more. I have worked SO hard to take charge of my life, take my recovery into my own hands and yet I don’t feel any of the choices have TRULY been mine. I did the first group because E wanted me to, I did the newest group because E told me it was for the best and all the while I have been feeling like my voice isn’t being heard; that what *I* want or think doesn’t matter.
When I got back from the session from hell all I wanted was to collapse and cry and have someone tell me that I mattered, that how I wanted to live my life and how I chose to approach MY recovery they supported. I don’t know if I will do the group again, I don’t know if I will continue therapy when E leaves but I do know that I want the decisions to be MINE, I want to feel that I weigh all the pros and cons, I want to feel that I thought it out completely, I want to feel that I CHOSE my path – I don’t want to feel that I did it for someone else. I don’t want to feel that I am letting others (including myself down) by compromising again.
I wish I knew how to feel in moments like these, I wish there was a magic button or cure to make the tears stop, to make the shit slow down…but there isn’t I just have to ride the fucking wave until it passes….
Discover New Beliefs
The drive from Zion National Park to Bryce Canyon in Utah was a short one. I had traveled the same route several times. At a certain pass, no matter how sunny the day and cloudless the sky, it was raining there every time. Although it was hard to see, a small dark cloud seemed to hang over this one particular place, this one area of the road, all the time.
It may be like that in a particular area in our lives. A certain belief seems almost stuck to us, stuck to one area of our lives, and no matter how sunny the rest of the drive is, it’s raining there all the time. What cloud is hanging over you? Could it be one you’re helping to create?
Some beliefs – my choices are wrong, I made bad decisions, I’m wrong – can create a dark heaviness that hangs over us like a cloud. Those beliefs may be so subtle we don’t notice them. What we do notice is the lingering pain or anxiety, a cloud that seems to follow us around. What we don’t see is that we’re helping create and maintain our own could with these beliefs.
The lesson may no be to make better decisions or be a better person. The lesson may be much simpler: change your beliefs. Make some new decisions. Let yourself discover some new, better, sunnier beliefs about yourself and your life. All yourself to believe that the decisions you make are fine.
Who you are is okay. You always have been.
from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie
This is me flipping off this fucking meditation. Maybe it was fate I read it but honestly I am too tired from crying, too tired from this day, week, month to fight the honesty in this reading. My entire life feels like a black cloud – why can’t the path of my recovery be as beautiful as the yellow brick road? why is it that the wicked witch lives in my own head, that I feel like I am lost in the forest far more then skipping through the poppy patch? I just want to feel happiness. I want to feel the sun upon my face, I don’t want to feel like I am drowning in the dark heaviness. Why is it so hard for me? why?