scotch, scotch, scotch….

Today was just as emotionally exhausting as yesterday. I had told E I would call her today to check in with how I was doing. I didn’t want to talk to her – I was still incredibly angry and upset with her. She asked me to tell her what “skills” I was using and honestly work was so busy, we are understaffed and I wasn’t using any of the skills consciously. After a few minutes we ended the conversation and I continued on with my day. I haven’t felt this exhausted in a long time but one of my co-workers is out (for how long we don’t know) and so we are trying to keep up with the massive amount of work for 4 with 3 of us!

E and I ended up talking at the end of the day and I was FINALLY able to express my anger and views in a way she could understand and I feel like she finally heard me. It was nice to be able to get my feelings out in a way that not only made me feel like I was sharing something important to me but also that I still had the respect of E. I feel like she finally got WHY I was upset and WHAT it meant to me to feel like the decisions regarding my recovery were made by me and how I didn’t want to feel like I was constantly compromising for what other people wanted.

After work it was our monthly get together where we drink wine, don’t talk about work and just generally drink, laugh and have a good time. This month we decided to try scotches and I had NEVER had scotch before. There were a fair amount of people there and several pups and it was really just a GOOD time. I worry about drinking when I am on this downward spiral but I was able to drink responsibly, have fun, interact with people and feel comfortable. That doesn’t happen all that much for me and it was nice to feel so accepted by people. It’s nice to feel wanted and to feel that people WANT to hang out with me.

Tonight’s meditation

Move gently into forgiveness

“I never knew how much I blamed and hated myself. I never knew how much shame and self-contempt I picked up from situations I’d been through until I really forgave myself and felt how that feels,” one woman said to me.

Loving yourself, forgiving yourself, accepting yourself – all of these feel different from judging yourself. Many of us have lived with so much judgment of ourselves that we take these feelings for granted. We just think that’s’ how we’re doomed to feel. Until we do forgive ourselves, we don’t realize how much we need to, and how good, how great, how absolutely terrific that feels.

I was leery of forgiveness for many years. I thought forgiving implied judging. And because judging was wrong and I shouldn’t do it, I didn’t need to forgive. The problem was, whether right or wrong, I had judged myself. And now I needed forgiveness.

Self-judgments set us apart, separate us from the rest of the world in an undesirable way. Forgiving ourselves reconnects us to the world, to God, to ourselves.

We can forgive ourselves for what we’ve done wrong, what we’ve done badly, and what we think we could have done better. We can transcend our judgments of ourselves.

Move gently into forgiveness. Love, forgive, and accept yourself. See how connected you feel. See how free you really are and always have been. See how much better you feel!

Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

This is one I continue to have the hardest time with. I know I need to forgive myself, cut myself slack and know that just because I choose to forgive myself does not mean that I am judging myself. The problem I have is that I AM judging myself. That is where I need to be able to find the balance. I hate being borderline, I hate being depressed and I hate how alone it all makes me feel – but after a night like tonight all of that goes away. I had FUN tonight, I let loose and enjoyed the people around me. I didn’t think about my convos today with E, I didn’t think about how scared I have been, how alone I feel. Tonight was just fun.

It’s funny to think just last night I was in tears and today I am BEYOND exhausted but feeling okay. That’s the part of my disorder I have such a hard time with – the constant roller coaster. I never know how I am going to feel at any given moment and as great as the prozac is to help stabilize the moods it would be nice to feel like I had a little more control over it. I am sure I can reflect on this more tomorrow but right now I just need to change into pjs and hop into bed.

Goodnight all, goodnight beautiful moon….

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