look at me being social…

Last night was so much fun and it just continued into today.

My friend N and I went out for breakfast – much needed after a night of lots of scotch LOL. N and I chit chatted about all different things, we ate delicious pancakes and hung out. After that I showered and just vegged on the couch until lunch. Some friends from last night (S, D, M and J) were going to a local burger place and asked if I wanted to go. N came to pick me up (late and after she got lost LOL she had just been to my place 3 hours earlier mind you lol) and away we went. It was nice to have people invite me out, the reality that people WANT to spend time with me is one I still have a hard time coming to terms with but more on that later.

You know I usually tense up in social situations, I usually use alcohol to make myself seem funnier or more attractive to people. I was able to just hang out with people and be myself (the version of myself I know right now anyways) and laugh and have a good time. Somewhere between last night and this morning my mood broke. I really laughed, I had a lot of fun with some AMAZING people and it was so wonderful to feel wanted and loved.

Beers, burgers, eggplant fries, friends and laughter, could you ask for a better afternoon??  The answer is no.


Who or What is Pulling on You?

Learn to become sensitive to the quiet as well as the clamorous pulls on your energy, your time, your emotions. You are becoming connected – to yourself, the universe, God others – in a way you have never been before. To deny these pulls is to deny the connections.

A quiet tug on our consciousness may be telling us what we need to do. We think about an old friend and contemplate calling her, but we don’t. Don’t be silly, we tell ourselves. Why would I do that now? But maybe that friend is calling out to us. Or we have a problem we haven’t known how to solve. That situation begins working on us, bothering us, interrupting our day. Maybe our instincts are telling us it’s now time to do something about it.

We are living differently now, more magically, more at east, more at one with our actions. One way we know it is time to do something not on the calendar or the clock is to pay attention to the quiet pulls on our energy. Being conscious of these impulses, then trusting ourselves to naturally know what to do and when to do it puts us in harmony with the universe and our soul.

Who or what is pulling on you? What do you think you should do? Now, take it to the next step, the next level. What does your heart lead you to do?

taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

This meditation really gave me pause to think. I am aware of all of these feelings, sensations, and energies lately that I have never been aware of before. It’s almost like this of awakening of something – I don’t know. I feel so different then I did a year ago – hanging out with people, socializing, drinking because I like it not because I want people to like me, feeling accepted. It’s like this whole new arena in my life and as much as I love it (which believe me I DO love it), it is also scary as hell. In one breathe I can’t believe people think I am worth hanging out with and in the next I worry about what I am going to do to completely screw it all up. I don’t know if it’s the therapy or the skills or what has caused this clarity for me today (maybe it’s the eggplant fries or the beer or just the great time I had with everyone today) but it’s nice to feel…wanted? Sometimes when I think about it I feel stupid, that someone who is 30 should be able to feel these things, understand them and accept them and yet for me it is this huge struggle.

I came home and relaxed and did a whole lot of nothing but then a few hours ago I become incredibly inspired to paint. I do decoupage, charcoal and paint but it has been awhile since I have painted (the last time I painted was the piece I posted back in January) but something inside me told me to paint. I will post a picture of it tomorrow but even though the colors are dark…the piece itself gives me hope. It’s kind of interesting lol.

Well off to bed…I ate and drank a shit ton today so my ass needs to get back on the bike in the morning and burn some calories 🙂



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