awakening…at least maybe that is what this is.

Trust what you know

As you grow, as you evolve, as you continue on this journey, you’ll discover many special abilities, gifts, and powers. One is an increased sense of knowingness. We will begin to understand events and people on a level much deeper than we experienced before.

We will begin to know the feeling of a person, place, or thing. We will begin to feels its energy, not just its matter of physical form. We’ll talk to a person for a while and know if that person feels trapped, feels like a victim, or feels free. We’ll know if a place holds energy that is good for us. Or we’ll know that energy isn’t right for us, doesn’t currently complement our needs. We won’t judge. We’ll just know. And we’ll know what to do.

Powers appear when we open the heart. We find the powers of love, comfort, faith, joy. There are other powers, too, that come along the way. One of these is the quiet power of trusting what we know.

Open your heart. Let it show you what it knows. Learn to trust what you know. You’re wiser than you think.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

For some reason this one hit close to home for me today. It’s funny…I never knew what I could experience when I let down the walls and find the powers inside. I never believed in happiness or peace – I only saw darkness, only believed in the negative energy that the darkness but people in my life now have helped change that. J, M, MM, JS and E have all helped me bring down the walls and then how to handle all the energy that comes with it.

I found myself crippled with fear as the walls came down – my family helped me overcome those fears, how to harness the power and turn them into good. Reflecting back hurts a lot, to see where I was, to see how low I had fallen…I know deep down that I have made incredible progress and that I am NOT that same person anymore but sometimes when I reflect back I still wonder. I still wonder if B hadn’t died, I still wonder if I should have killed myself, I still wonder if I should have gotten help sooner…going back isn’t going to change anything…and being in the mind space I am in now looking back makes me sad for another reason. That reason is because if things were different then maybe I wouldn’t have the job I have now and wouldn’t have those people in my life, wouldn’t have find my true family.

I am where I am supposed to be right here and right now and honestly it doesn’t matter how I got here and THAT is what I have come to understand.

I am so thankful and grateful to those in my life who have stuck around and helped me get here – without them I would never have been able to clear my lens off enough to begin to see the person that they see every time they look at me. What an incredible gift.

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reality check

Loving yourself will make it better

Are you feeling powerless? Have circumstances taken a turn you don’t like? Do you feel there’s nothing you can do to make today better? One power that’s always available to you is the power to love yourself.

Sometimes we feel powerless. We have circumstances in our lives we simply cannot change, no matter what we do to create something different, to move the situation along. We can’t get another person to behave differently. We can’t seem to change something at work. We can’t do much about our money situation, at least not in the moment. Nothing in life seems to be going our way. It’s not that we’re doing anything wrong. We aren’t off our path or neglecting a particular lesson. The energy of that particular time in our lives in frustrating. There is no action we can take to change our circumstances. All we can do is surrender to the circumstances, accept what’s happening, and stay in the moment.

During those times, there is one action we can take that will help. We can love ourselves. When we can’t do anything about the world around us, when we can’t even seem to do much about ourselves, we can always, always love ourselves. When all our powers seem stripped away, we can practice the power of self-love. It’s one power no one can take away.

Self-love will always make things better. And perhaps when a difficult time is past, you’ll look back and say, That’s what I was really learning all along – the ever present, healing power of learning to love myself.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

To be honest I am not sure I could have read this one before today and not scoffed at it.

I am feeling like I am in a place of balance right now, in a place of somewhat acceptance: the acceptance of the path, journey, diagnosis, and of it all.

I feel okay with where I am – I smile now sometimes without realizing it. I catch myself and I don’t know where it came from our why and think to myself maybe THIS right here and now is happiness.

I’m sitting here on the couch and reflecting – I realize what a STRONG factor J has been in me getting to this place both- that both she and E being there, helping guide me, helping me up after I fall.

I am grateful to them in SO many ways…for coming into my life, for pushing me into therapy, for getting me the help that I needed and for doing what you thought was best when I couldn’t find the courage to do it myself.

She has been an anchor for me this past year and a half, the lighthouse to guide me during the darkest of times, the family that needed and never ever thought I deserved.

I can’t begin to thank her for helping me get to a place where I can learn to self-love. For helping me up so I could get to this place…I could NEVER have done it without you.

She helped me think I was worth it and helped me see that I matter….do you have any idea how incredible that is? How lucky I feel?

A year and a half ago I couldn’t have said any of this, believed any of this and even on the days where I am crashing in the wave…I know it to be true.

I know that *I* did all the work – I know that only *I* can practice the power of self love but I also know that if  J didn’t help me to believe that I was worth it I never would have gotten here…E has done a TON in regards to my mental health, my skills practice, ways to let the emotions come and go…but she cared about me even before I was in therapy. She saw something in me the day she met me and has ALWAYS been there right beside me to help me see it.

I am crying happy tears right now…happy tears thinking about how much my friendship with J has changed me, how much it has lifted me up. How much MM, JS and M mean to me and how important they are in my life.

These tears are for how proud for how honored that they are in my life, how much it means to me that they care about me.

I would NOT be here on this earth if J hadn’t called me in for an interview…I know this for a fact. I hadn’t planned on living to see 2012…I felt worthless, alone, unlovable…getting this job was the greatest thing to EVER happen to me.  I was MEANT to get this job, to come into their lives…I thank my angel in heaven B for it.

I am now able to know I have value and purpose and WORTH in life…that is a feeling I can not begin to even put into words. I cry happy tears for myself, for J, for MM, JS and M…I am truly blessed.

 

Emotions

Last night’s meditation was incredible for me to read. I am sorry I didn’t post it last night but I am so exhausted that I didn’t have a chance to do anything except sleep lol!

Release old emotions

Our emotions and experiences sometimes lead us out of the present moment. Something happens – someone says something, we hear something – and a feeling crops up. Often, underneath it is an old feeling, a feeling from the past, an old chunk of energy that’s hidden in our soul, stored in our body.

We aren’t off track when that happens. We’re right where we need to be: off center and out of the present moment. We can use moments like these to heal ourselves.

Let yourself feel the feeling. Let yourself release the energy. Talk it out. Jog it out. Do what you heart leads you to do to release that bubble of emotion from your soul. Take as much time as you need – an hour, a day, a month.

When it’s gone, you’ll find a surprise. You’ve advanced on your path. You’ve learned something new. A new cycle has begun. An issue arose that provided an opportunity for healing and growth, and that healing and growth turn into a pleasant and welcome surprise.

Yes, sometimes experiences lead us out of the present moment. But if we stay present for ourselves, we’ll always come back. Changed. Lighter. Healed. And more ready to love.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

 

So this is a pow right in my kisser.

I have worked so hard as of late to be in the present moment, to experience what I feel and then attempt to let it go. It is such a process but it is true that if we stay present for ourselves it is worth it, that it ALL matters, that it ALL has purpose. I never would have believed that a year ago, I never would have thought I would be in therapy, that I would have completed TWO groups, that I would feel so complete (even on the days where things seem to be falling apart).

I still have a lot of old emotions that I need to let go – emotions that are taking up space in my soul, black and negative and now I am hopeful that if something triggers that emotion I will be able to experience it and let it go – so it will give me the space to fill up with new and happy emotions, wonderful memories.

A year ago I would have sat at home, never socializing and going out. Today I am going out with MM to the mall while her daughter shops for prom dresses and maybe later hitting up a local fave with J. People WANT to hang with me, people want to be around me…I enjoy that. It’s a strange feeling but I love it.

 

a day late but not forgotten…

There’s magic in the unknown

Sometimes we’re out of ideas. We think and think but nothing comes. We don’t know what’s next. It feels like we’re at a dead end. But we’re not. That void, that dreaded blank spot is really a glorious magical place.

Sometimes we have to run out of our ideas before we can open to any new ones. The reason we can’t see any further is because our ideas are limited by the past, by past experiences, by what life has been like before. Our future doesn’t have to be limited by our past. Life knows that. Now we can learn it, too. We’re not at a dead end. We’ve reached a new beginning.

 Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

Now is a time of magic. Let the universe take your hand and show you things you have never seen before. Now, at last, you’re open and vulnerable enough to begin. Celebrate the magic, the mystery of the unknown. Celebrate the miracles that will certainly come.

 

Wow I needed to read this one last night.

How often do I find myself feeling like I am at a dead end until things somehow magically appear? I used to be afraid of the unknown and on a lot of days I still am but the idea that the void I fear could hold something better? I dunno I guess I never really thought about it from that angle before and it is really giving me pause to think. I feel like a lot of my recovery has felt this way – feeling like I hit a brick wall, that I can’t push any further and it all seems lost I find my way to a small breakthrough…finding my way but no longer letting my mind control everything.

These meditations are giving me new ways to think of things and I really hoping that you are all enjoying them 🙂 This has been a great chance for me to share my feelings and also find a new way to decompress after a long and stressful day – it’s nice to know if other people are getting as much from them as I am but I also know that *I* am getting a lot out of them and really that is what is important 🙂

 

feeling content

So now that I have had a day to reflect back to where I was 24 hours ago – I can honestly say I am feeling content. I had a session with E today, which was emotionally charged and I spent a good portion of it crying (and I hate crying) but I think it was all necessary and I think instead of fighting it like I typically do I need to learn to allow the feelings and let them go. I went to the store and picked up some dinner and when I was into my apartment I had this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. Everything is clean, smells wonderful and makes me feel 100% at home – I didn’t think I could feel more at home but I totally do. I don’t think I will ever allow myself to get to a place where I don’t keep this place the way I have it now…I am proud of how good it looks, how much work I put into it (even though I am the reason it was a mess in the first place) and I am okay with it.

I have candles (well they are the walmart version of Scentsy lol) going in the kitchen, living room and bathroom so my entire apartment smells like cookies 🙂 I still have a fair amount of work to do in the walk in closet and bedroom but honestly I am so proud of the work I have done and I keep adding stuff to my calendar so I don’t let ANYTHING fall off my radar.

I got some stuff out of tonight’s meditation so I will post that with my thoughts before I head off to bed 🙂

Listen to the voice of your heart

Cultivate the art of listening to your intuition, your inner voice. This is the guidance of your heart. It’s a voice that speaks differently from the one in your head. The heart whispers softly, the head prattles loudly.

The head has an agenda for our lives. It chatters away boldly, but its vision is limited. It leaves no room for the mysterious workings of the universe, nor does it take into account the side trips we need to get where we’re going, where our souls need to go. It’s the voice that says, This is the way it’s going to be.

The heart, the inner voice, speaks differently. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it pulls. Sometimes it pushes. It’s spontaneous, in the present moment, and often a surprise. The heart takes into account what has to be done and the best way to do that. The heart takes emotions into account – the way you feel, the wisdom of your soul. The heart leads us into and through the lessons we’re here to learn.

Cultivate your inner voice. Practice listening to the whispers of your heart. Practice trusting your intuition, what you really feel, what you really know. Practice until that voice is the one that you hear.

Be patient. Be gentle. Let yourself learn to hear the gentle and trustworthy words of your heart.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

This is something that I am just learning to do – learning to trust the voice, trust the whispers, trust my heart and intuition. It has been a long time coming and I think I still have a long ways to go but I think I am finally getting better at it. I think when it came down to confronting Dr F about her group I was finally able to allow my heart to be louder then my head. I was able to do it in a way that I was happy with, a way where I felt good about myself…that was important and a HUGE step for me (not even a baby step) and I think it was because the skills are starting to make sense.

I did something stupid and googled what could happen with my summons and that is like googling “Headache” and seeing brain tumor (long story short I was pulled over and my license had been expired for a month ’cause I stupidly forgot to renew it and I got a summons vs a ticket) E even laughed when I told her I was scared I was going to jail. And yes it SOUNDS stupid and silly I know that but I was reading all these horror stories about how people went to jail for stuff like this and I freaked the fuck out – I was in full panic mode – I reached out to her and she didn’t answer, I tried deep breathing, I tried opposite to emotion, I tried calling the prosecutor again but nothing worked…she literally had to spend 5 minutes (once she called me back) trying to get me to deep breathe – I felt like this complete failure. Here I was feeling GOOD about the progress I had made and the moment I celebrate it I can’t even make it through the ridiculousness of me going to jail over driving with my license that was expired…ugh it FELT like such a setback even though I know deep down it wasn’t. 6 months ago I wouldn’t have even THOUGHT to use skills…that was a step even if it felt like a backwards one.

I think my head was so content with being miserable that even though my place was a mess it was like screw it…does that make sense? And once I was in a good mindset and J and I talked it was like I was able to hear my inner voice more – that I was able to hear the importance to ME why I wanted my apartment clean. I am sitting here in my clean and beautiful apartment and feeling far more at peace here then I have in awhile. I have a reminder to go off in a few to bring down a few more bags of trash but I have eaten dinner and cleaned those dishes already.

I think where I am emotionally right now (just with work, life, group ending, dealing with my 1 year with E, her eventually leaving, and so on…) I need to learn how to be patient and gentle with myself. Taking it all on and being fully okay with it, letting it go and breathing deep. It’s not easy BUT I am doing it and no matter how  SLOW it feels I need to cut myself some slack and realize that I am doing the best I can…and someone whom I respect and admire greatly once told me that my best was good enough.

 

like Alice…down the rabbit hole I go

I knew it was coming – I knew it and I could feel it but that didn’t stop it from happening. I crashed and I crashed hard. Poor E had to help me breathe through my mini panic attack, help me through the wave. I couldn’t do it myself, I tried the skills, I tried to do it but I needed the extra help to get through it.

I know deep down that being able to ask for that help is a HUGE step (especially for me) but there is a small part of me that feels like a complete failure. I was feeling pretty good and confident with myself as of late and that should have been my first sign that I was going to eat dirt hard. The times where I feel like I am making progress and where I allow myself to CELEBRATE that are usually the times where my crash isn’t too far behind.

I really wanted to be able to handle it on my own – it really frustrated me that I wasn’t able to. I am trying not to let myself be dragged further down and I think I am doing okay with it but I am struggling. I have to call E tomorrow and even though I tried to clean mindfully, tried distress tolerance and now I am trying self-soothe…I just can’t get my brain to slow down enough to process it all with a wise mind.

SIGH. Anyways on to tonight’s meditation:

You’ll see the answer

The answer you are looking for may be right before your eyes.

Have you asked the question? Have you put it out to God, the universe, yourself, and the world?

What do I need to do now? What do I need to do next? Where and why am I stuck? What am I not seeing? What’s the answer? I need a clue.

Often, asking the question means the answer is trying to find you. Follow your heart, and then open your eyes. You’ll see it.

The answer may be right in front of you.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

As much as I would like to think that this meditation is helpful – I am just not sure how much it is for me today. I could FEEL myself spiral today, I called E, I reached out…I knew I couldn’t stop it on my own…how MESSED up is that? The skills weren’t working, deep breathing, focusing on what works, trying to use my non-judgmental stance…sometimes the answers aren’t always right in front of you – or what do I know maybe they are and my lens is to clouded to see it.

How badly do I wish all the answers really could be right in front of me? How badly do I wish I could be “cured” of being borderline most days? Some days I am okay with it – if I wasn’t borderline maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today and on most days I am content and okay with where I am (working my way towards happiness) and if I didn’t suffer from a mental illness maybe I never would have met my true family…and I don’t want to picture my life without them. They have MADE me a better person.

I did some chores for the day and I am gonna make some dinner soon – all I ate was a cookie whoppie pie (eating those are another form of self destruction for me since all that sugar usually makes me nauseous) and I worked out this morning so I need to put some actual substance in my body. I AM proud that I knew I needed to call E – that was a big step for me, calling and asking for help. I think I am getting better about that. I think I am learning what I can handle and what I can’t. Breaking down isn’t an option right now and neither are days off – so I need to use my skills and tools and reach out and ask for help when I need it.

Maybe the answer today was to call E…maybe that was what I needed to be able to get through it without self destructing…and if that is the case…what the hell am I going to do when she leaves?

 

and the beat goes on

First I just want to say that my heart goes out to all those in Boston affected by this terrible travesty. I have friends in Boston that are thankfully home safe and sound – prayers and thoughts going out to everyone down there. I have been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to type something and it just feels SO selfish to post about myself right now.

Tonight’s meditation:

Imagine what you want

What do you want? What do you want to create in your life? What situation do you want to live in? Describe the scenario. Imagine it. We can often have what we want, but we rarely take the time to imagine it. And imagination is the first step toward creativity.

What do you want? What would it look like, feel like? Is what you’re working so hard on what you really want? That relationship? That job? That home? If it is, go for it. If it’s not, imagine and create something different.

Begin with imagination. Imagine what you really want in your mind, and you’ve taken the first step toward creating it. If you don’t know what you want, that’s okay too. Ask the universe for help. Ask God and the universe to bring you your highest good.

Ask the universe to help you create exactly what you want and need. Trust the universe, and you will be trusting an honorable and benevolent friend.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

This was a tough day for me. I knew what I needed to do, I knew that it was the RIGHT thing to do but I still worried and worried that I would chicken out.

At first we slipped right into “group” without much word…and I cursed myself thinking I had missed my chance but I didn’t. Yet again I was the only one to show up – for the LAST group – sigh.

I spoke up – I expressed to her my frustrations, my perceptions, my issues with the group but also ways I thought she could make it better in the future.

I told her I was frustrated that it felt like people weren’t taking it seriously – that the lack of structure was what I thought I wanted but in the end something I have learned that I need. I need to be held accountable, I need to feel like people are as invested in it as I am. I also expressed to her that my DBT group and this “mindfulness group” were very different and that just because the skills were still taught doesn’t mean it was the same program and I acknowledge that a lot of my issues stemmed from that. I told her I thought it was important not to miss 5 groups in a row, that my other group had 2 leaders for that purpose (vacations, family emergencies, etc) and so that those of us who really need to work on our interpersonal skills don’t feel left in the lurch so to speak.

It felt GOOD.

She heard me out – she listened and expressed that yes the groups are different, she was glad that I didn’t allow my annoyance and frustration to stop me from going – that I continued to put my recovery first. She told me she wanted the group to not feel like a strict DBT group, more real and more laid back – she felt that the other group I was in (she had a little knowledge about it) almost isolates people and doesn’t allow them to  have times where the skills need to be put to use in the moment. That by not having group (although not intentionally) it gave me the chance to work on my skills to work through it.

She made some good points and in the end I think I was heard enough and that was good enough for me.

It took a LOT out of me today though – it was a BIG step for me…huge actually and as great as I feel about speaking up and feeling like I was heard and that I expressed myself in a direct way without being too aggressive. I just feel emotionally drained.

I came home – I did dishes, made dinner, did more dishes, brought more trash downstairs, cleaned my stove, got lunch ready for tomorrow…and put away all the now clean dishes. It feels productive and even though all I wanted to do was not eat or clean when I got home I forced myself to do it and I am glad I did. Ruby was being so good I even gave her some wet food tonight lol – she is currently asleep on my coffee table 🙂 I think she is loving the clean apartment too 🙂

Goodnight all.

how is it almost Monday already??

Seriously – where in the world does the time go??

So today I hunkered down and cleaned a SHIT ton today. I went out with MM only to go to the store to get new sponges, cleaning supplies and a few other things. She sweetly lent me her swiffer wetjet since I don’t own a mop! Have I mentioned I have some of the most amazing people in my life?? 🙂

I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom, changed the cat litter, I cleaned my art nook, brought 3 bags of trash downstairs, started cleaning my spare room (which I turned into a walk-in closet) and did 3 loads of dishes!! I was super freakin’ productive….as gross as my place looked it felt GOOD to get this place cleaned up…J was right.

Since I spent most of Saturday hanging out with friends and having a good time – I forced myself to stay in today and get this shit done. The kitchen is clearly the room that needs the most attention and I have worked on it a little bit but I need to pace myself with that room. I need to pick up some magic erasers for the stove top but I think in the next few days that room is gonna be so sparkly and I can’t wait.

I am proud that I finally got into a head space where I feel like I can handle all this. It’s hard to describe when I get stressed or in a downward spiral why I don’t clean. Most people view it as me being a slob or lazy and that isn’t the case – when I am down cleaning is the last thing on my mind because I am constantly trying to keep my mind in a place where I don’t self destruct. Yes I am a messy person but in the times of stress and depression staying afloat is what I need to focus on and usually that means cleaning and eating usually are the least of my worries. I am hoping that with setting myself up with a schedule that even when I hit the downward spirals or work becomes overly stressful that I will still DO what needs to be done. I am a work in progress and I need to be okay with whatever small steps I take.

Tonight’s meditation (and I will admit one I struggle with lol):

Relax

Too often out of sheer habit we tighten up, tense up, and then approach life from that stance. When we have something to do, our automatic response may be to tense up – shoulders and neck strained, back bent and cramped, breathing shallow. But anything that needs to be done can be done better if we’re relaxed.

Learn to relax. Program your body, each part of it, to let go and be at ease. Allow yourself to come into your natural posture and alignment. Learn to relax until moving, acting, speaking, being all come naturally from the relaxed place.

Find activities that will help you do this. A hot bath. A steam bath. A massage. Sunning. Walking. Meditating. Teach yourself to become aware of how your body feels during these activities. Memorize that feeling. Practice relaxing until you can recall that memory and carry it throughout the day.

Periodically throughout the day, take a few moments to check your tension level. If you find any part of your body tense, take a few more moments to consciously relax that part. Visualize warmth and ease flooding any part of your body that has become tight or is in pain. Let the tension, the stress, the blocks drain out from top to bottom. Your body wants to relax. It wants to be comfortable. It wants to heal itself.

Empty your mind of tense thoughts, and let it follow your body into relaxation and calm. Allow your mind to become still. Quietly accept each thought, then release it. Breathe in comforting, healing energy. Breathe it into your mind, into each cell of your body. Breathe out stress, strain, discomfort, and fear. Don’t resist what you are feeling or thinking. Acecpt it, then release it. Just as water cannot pass naturally through a pinched hose, your vital life force cannot flow freely through you if you are cramped and tense.

Honor the life force that is in you, that flows through you. Honor it by relaxing, opening to it, and inviting it to surge through your body.

The techniques of relaxation will refresh, restore, and recharge you, so that you can do all you need to do with more power and vigor than before. Anything that needs to be done can be done better if you’re relaxed.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

Relaxing is something that I struggle with on a daily basis and now that M is out for who knows how long I seem to be struggling even more. I got pretty good for awhile being able to shut work off when I got home but lately I think “did I do that”, “shit did I send that email”, “FUCK I forgot to do that” and then I downward spiral into what a shitty job I am doing, that people shouldn’t trust me and that basically I am a waste of space.

I know those aren’t healthy thoughts, I know I do a GREAT job (even more since I have gotten the help that I need) and people respect me and the work I do – so I need to be able find ways to be able to relax, to be able to accept what is going on and then letting it go. This is a piece of DBT that I struggled a lot with: sitting with my feelings and accepting them and then letting them go. I spent my entire life RUNNING from my feelings, running from the emotions and closing myself off to things. Now here I am expected to acknowledge these feelings and emotions and then SIT with them? fuck no…I don’t want to feel them, I don’t want to acknowledge them…I just want them gone but since DBT I actually feel that as hard as it is, this has been one of the most rewarding. I have been able to let things go that I would have held on to for months, I have learned a lot about myself and I think it has been incredibly good for me to be able to find ways to do this.

Relaxation during times of work stress feels SO selfish – like the last thing I need to be doing is relaxing when there is so much shit that has to be done – but I have noticed when I take a few minutes, watch my breath and center myself a little bit I am way more effective and able to handle the surprises that usually pop up. I have to tell myself that relaxation isn’t selfish but that it is IMPORTANT to help me continue to be effective at my job, to help keep my sanity during the crazy times and teach me something that I can learn down the road. As much as I hated not only my first group but this second one as well I know that the skills work and that being borderline doesn’t define me but it IS a part of who I am – I can’t change that, I can’t go back…I need to learn from it, accept it and believe that who I am matters…borderline or not.

Feeling blessed

So this post is a day late but I was so tired when I got home that I didn’t have the time to post it. Can I just tell you how blessed and honored I feel? I have so many amazing people in my life…people who are there for me through thick and thin, people who love and support me.

One of my co-workers is getting ready to have a baby – well his wife is anyways – so a bunch of us took up a collection at work and then went over to S’s house to tie-dye onesies and drink beer and have pizza. It was so awesome and fun. Afterwards J and I went to a couple of local shops for shopping – neither of us bought anything lol – but she did show me this INCREDIBLE store where I can get prayer flags so I can’t wait to spend a LOT of money in there LOL.

After the shopping we went back to her place and just talked, created art, painted and it was just so…peaceful. I am so proud of J for so many reasons and I am so freakin’ lucky to have someone like her in my life. Someone who gets me, who understands the “crazy” who doesn’t judge me and loves me regardless. She is the older sister I always wanted/needed…she has shown me the REAL meaning of family.

Last nights meditation:

Give freely of what you’ve been given

Learning to not overcare, overgive, and overdo are the lessons of the past. We have learned them, learned them well. There was a time when we needed to monitor our giving because we were giving compulsively, almost addictively, with no thought to what felt right in our heart, with no understanding of loving ourselves. But that was yesterday.

This is now. We can trust ourselves to know when it’s time to stop or when our giving has become destructive. We can trust ourselves to know when it’s not our job to give, because now we are connected to ourselves, listening to ourselves, on track.

Give freely of your time, your heart, your joy, your wisdom. Share your experiences, your strength, your hope. Share your weaknesses as well as your strengths. Share your money, your gifts, your laughter. Share your hope. Share yourself.

Give freely of what you’ve been given, and the universe will provide you with exactly what you need. Give freely and the universe will give freely to you.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ 

This one was SO appropriate after last night. J and I had been talking about where I had been 2 years ago and where I am now – how I have opened up and given myself to others and brought the walls down. I am still learning, still growing and still changing for the better and I know that life is always changing.  I have learned how to ride the waves better, I have learned that I can open up and trust people and even though E is leaving to go elsewhere she is not abandoning me. E is going to help many many people who are in the same situation I am and I have had her in my life for the time that I needed her – letting go will be SO hard but I will be able to handle it.

I am making a list of things to do and adding them to my calendar so I can keep up on my cleaning. I spent so much of my childhood with a mother who would watch you as you cleaned to make sure you did it right that sometimes I feel like rebellion that I don’t want to clean, or when I am falling down the rabbit hole and I have no motivation to even eat let alone clean. But now that I am in the right frame of mind I am going to make sure that I add stuff to my calendar (if it is not there I will forget lol) to ensure that I can keep up on it. J gave me some honest and heartfelt words of advice, wisdom and critique and she is 100% right…and again she does it in this way without making me feel worse than I already do, without any judgments and just having it come from the heart.

Blessed to have the people in my life, to finally have my lens clear enough to know that people care about me and be able to say that I am worth caring about. I have not only allowed myself to give freely of others (I was always giving so much of myself) but now I am able to accept what the universe gives back to me. What an incredible feeling….and I never would have gotten to this point right now without the love of my work family (my real family if you ask me) J, MM, JS and M. They encourage me every single day, they are there for me, they push me and challenge me…I am a better person because of them.