and the beat goes on

So another Monday passes, a crazy busy day and I had to leave early to go to group. I get there…and I am the ONLY one who shows up. Can you believe that? like is this some terrible April Fools joke? No? ok, seriously why is it that I seem to be the only one who is invested in this group? It is frustrating to feel like the other people in the group don’t take it nearly as serious as I do. I WANTED to share my feelings with Dr. F but I totally wussed out. E is going to totally give me crap for it tomorrow when I call her but I was hoping if someone else could have been there it wouldn’t have been as awkward to tell her how annoyed I am with the group as a whole and the structure of it. Now she wants to extend it but honestly the point of me to go is to go to an actual structured group – I don’t need more one on one therapy. I need to work with E to figure out the best way to approach it.

Work was pretty busy today and I so wish I could shut off my brain. It is so hard when we are down a person to leave work at work – I constantly find myself wondering “did I do that?”, “did I take care of that?” and hoping that I didn’t miss something major. I can’t wait till M is able to be back at work because it has been hard being short-staffed again. And to hear some of the other people in the department talk about being on break or being bored…it drives me batshit crazy. We are constantly SO busy (even when we AREN’T down a person and it is so obnoxious to hear others complain about being bored).

I got some GREAT feedback on my newest piece today – I love how different people see different things. It makes me feel proud and good about the work I have done. I should mention I did workout on the bike this morning – I can’t wait till the days get warmer so on the weekends I can road run so next time I attempt to do a 5K I will actually maybe be able to keep up with my friends LOL. There is talk of doing another one in the summer – it kinda has me excited. Not because the fact that it is a 5K but because people actually want to hang out with me, that people come up to me and want to know if I will do something with them. My entire life I was constantly changing to fit my surroundings in hopes of being accepted and always feeling rejected and the fact that now that I am learning to just BE – people WANT to hang out with me. It’s a pretty cool feeling – it makes me feel like I matter, that people care about me.

Learn to Clear Your Path

I met a woman at the mineral springs in Ojo Caliente, New Mexico. She had a gentle, open way. She talked to me about rituals, about miracles, about changed. “My husband and I badly wanted a child, but I couldn’t get pregnant,” she said. “One night, I decided to go to a mikvah, a Jewish ritual bath. My decision felt powerful. But every obstacle you could imagine happened when I tried to get there. I could barely get out of my house. Then when I did, I got lost and had to go back home for direction. When I finally got to the bath, it was just beginning, but I knew I needed to be there. The night was electric. The air felt as if it were charged with lightning. It was a full moon. I went through the ritual and returned home. That night, my daughter was conceived. She’s now seven years old.”

There are often obstacles on our path. Roadblocks, barricades, detours. Things go over, around, or under. Sometimes, the roadblocks are telling us no, this door isn’t opening. Find another way. Other times the roadblocks are telling us that the road we have chosen is very special. If we want to go down it, we will have to try. We will have to focus. We will have to muster our energy and show the world how badly we want it. We will have to overcome each and every obstacle, one by one, as they appear.

What do you want badly? Are you willing to go through an obstacle course, if need be, to achieve it? Are you willing to be tested by the universe? Are you willing to focus, push forward, do the distance?

Sometimes, the road ahead is blocked, but clearing the way becomes a part of our journey. Learn to tell when it’s time to let go, to surrender, to search for another road, a different path, another dream. But also learn to tell when it’s time to move forward, through obstacles if need be, because the dream is electric, charged by Divine energy and love.

Taken from ‘Journey from the Heart’ – by Melody Beattie

I think there is a lot I can learn from tonight’s meditation. I have finally learned that I am strong enough to clear my own path, to handle whatever obstacles are thrown my way and that I always have my friends by my side to help me when I don’t think I can do it myself. How lucky am I to have found the family that I always wanted, that I always needed to help me finally discover who I am. When you spend a fair amount of your life wishing you were dead the concept that people love and care about you is so hard to wrap your head around, when you think no matter how hard you try that you will never get further down the path…there is always a way. That is what I have learned.

I do need to work more on leaning when to let go, I have been working on that a lot and some things are easier to let go then others. I am so blessed to have people in my life who are constantly so patient as I learn to grow and change as I manage my borderline. My entire life has been made better by the people who have given me the space I’ve needed to push forward and clear my path, having them in my life has shown me an entirely new side of life, of the meaning of the words friendship and family. I am exhausted and I think it is time for me to go to bed but I just wanted to share something I found online:

I take NO credit for the following photo – it was taken from HERE

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This is what gets me through the hard times, this is what helps me clear my path. The family I have chosen, the family that chose me. To them I owe so much, to them I owe my life

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