life moves pretty fast…

I couldn’t get my mind to slow down at all today and by 2 o’clock I was rocking an INSANE migraine. It had been a while since having one this bad – I know it is because I feel like no matter how much work I am doing that I just can’t keep up. M is still off and will be until at LEAST next Tuesday 😦 So I am just plugging along, doing my work and keeping up the best I can.

I know M is having a really hard time being out of work – I totally and fully understand it since I can hardly go a day without checking my work email, worrying about my piles of work and since I am a workaholic I wish I could do something to help make M feel better about being stuck at home. M and I don’t have the greatest relationship, she and I have butted heads a bunch in the past, but I know how much it sucks and I wish there was something I could do or say to help make it easier for her.

I talked with E today about my “group” session yesterday and explained that I totally chickened out and didn’t confront Dr. F about the lack of structure, the lack of communication even though I really wanted to. FEAR. I still have so much fear inside myself and as much progress as I have made I still have SO much to go. Sometimes I really wish my recovery was going faster, that I was able to deal with things better and when those judgments come up I have to remind myself that this isn’t a race, that my recovery will be what it will be and I need to just be patient with myself.

I took a chance and emailed J letting her know I am worried about her – she hasn’t been herself lately and I know when I get into moods that sometimes it helps me to have someone be honest and tell me when I am not  myself. Sometimes I don’t even know it and sometimes I do but get so STUCK in a cycle and having someone who I trust and care about to give me a dose of reality helps. I hope she takes it for what it is – a friend who cares.

Discover the power of Meditation

I saw Spirit Rock Center, a meditation center, as I drove along the highway in Northern California. I turned into the parking lot and watched as people moved about the grounds very slowly. They were practicing a walking meditation.

Meditation teaches us to relax, to connect with our body, to let spirit and body become one. Many of us spent years abandoning ourselves, our emotions, and our bodies. We’ve been present for others, and now is the time for us to stay present for ourselves, fully and completely.

Mediation helps us leave our routine for a bit and slow down. We deliberately exhale stress, tension and fear. Then we inhale light, beauty, peace, and love. We slow our minds and slow our bodies until we reach that quiet place. Meditation can renew us and help us return to our lives refreshed.

Meditate. Take time to inhale peace and exhale fear. Then take your meditation back to your life. Walk slowly. Stay present for yourself, more fully and completely than ever before. You too can turn your life into a walking, waking, deliberate meditation.

Excerpt taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I actually like this one. I like the idea of breathing in the light and breathing out the negative. There are so many times in my life that I wish I could apply this more. I always used to consider meditation some sort of Eastern religion mumbo jumbo but I was so so SO wrong. I love when I am able to clear my mind and fully be present. It’s rare for me to be able to find a practice that I can enjoy and that works. I still have a migraine but I took some time to be fully in the moment, I tried to breathe in the positive and breathe out of the negative and it feels good to let go of the things I don’t need clogging up my brain right now. Letting go of the mistakes I made during the day, letting go of the judgments that I am not good enough, that my best isn’t good enough and letting go of the idea that I have to be the best, that I need to do more.

I think a little TV and then an early bedtime for this gal tonight…I’ve earned it.


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