exhaustion is my new state of mind

I am still rocking the same migraine I was yesterday….pounding behind my eyes with no relief in sight. When it gets like this at work I have the hardest time being able to manage it because of the florescent lights and constant stress. I have to turn out the lights, I have to put ice on my head…I look like a total freak. I hate the judgments I put on myself when I get like this, it is almost as if I can’t use the skills I have because I am so exhausted, so sore and so overwhelmed.

I had my session with E today, she was worried about all the drinking that I did this past weekend. In the past I have used alcohol as an escape from my depression, used it to curb my social anxiety and all around just used it to numb myself but that hasn’t been the case for a long time. I actually had fun this past weekend, I actually felt like people WANTED to hang out with me but I understood where E was coming from – I may not use it to numb myself but I still need to be careful that I don’t use it as a crutch to get through my social anxiety.

With M still being off – it has been so fuckin’ crazy at work. 3 of us doing the work of 4 (maybe even 5) and we are all starting to lose it a little with stress. JS (I work with a couple J’s and a couple M’s lol) was having a mini breakdown in her office over stress, MM is trying to keep it together and I was falling apart in my office. We are hitting our max and E asked how long I could sustain this and I said a week at the most…It’s just so much. I hadn’t eaten since 6 pm last night! I got up, went to work, had some diet pepsi and that was it. No food. Clocked out for lunch but totally worked through it to feel like I was accomplishing something. I came home, ate some ramen noodles and then have been crying for most of the night in hopes to release my migraine. I finally talked with J a little bit via email…I feel bad I just wish there was more I could do to help.

ugh enough about me…onto tonight’s nightly meditation.

Value your connection to creativity

Creativity is a force – a living, real force. It’s the power of love, the power of life, a gift of the Divine. You’re connected to that force.

Open up your creative powers – in work, in play, in love. Make creations that are beautiful to look at. Make creations you like to see, creations that are pleasing to you. Creativity comes in many forms – cooking, decorating, speaking, drawing, writing, or building a castle in the sand at the beach. How you choose to create is up to you.

“I used to love taking pictures when I was a child,” one man said. “The one day, in a rage, my father smashed my camera to the floor. He told me taking pictures was nonsense. It was twenty years before I let myself take a picture again. Now, I can’t stop.”

Who told you you weren’t creative? Stand tall, speak up, and tell them they’re wrong. Own your creative powers. Allow your creativity to heal and flourish.

Value your connection to creativity. Value the way you choose to express your creative power. It’s your expression of love.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I actually really like this meditation. I feel like with art I have found a creative release. I find myself doodling, thinking about new paintings, what I can create….shit…I was supposed to make a coaster for my sister to see if she wants to give them out as favors at her pre wedding celebration (she doesn’t want a “wedding shower” ) and I am seeing her tomorrow…FUCK. Now I can’t go to bed. Okay….letting it go….This will be a chance to work out come creative energy, to try something new.

well I am off to make the coaster…maybe I will share a pic of them later 🙂



They are SUPER simple to make. Now to find out if my sister wants to make like 80 of them as favors LOL. I am sure the design will be different – this was just a sample to see if she would like it and if I could make them 🙂


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