and the beat goes on

First I just want to say that my heart goes out to all those in Boston affected by this terrible travesty. I have friends in Boston that are thankfully home safe and sound – prayers and thoughts going out to everyone down there. I have been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to type something and it just feels SO selfish to post about myself right now.

Tonight’s meditation:

Imagine what you want

What do you want? What do you want to create in your life? What situation do you want to live in? Describe the scenario. Imagine it. We can often have what we want, but we rarely take the time to imagine it. And imagination is the first step toward creativity.

What do you want? What would it look like, feel like? Is what you’re working so hard on what you really want? That relationship? That job? That home? If it is, go for it. If it’s not, imagine and create something different.

Begin with imagination. Imagine what you really want in your mind, and you’ve taken the first step toward creating it. If you don’t know what you want, that’s okay too. Ask the universe for help. Ask God and the universe to bring you your highest good.

Ask the universe to help you create exactly what you want and need. Trust the universe, and you will be trusting an honorable and benevolent friend.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

This was a tough day for me. I knew what I needed to do, I knew that it was the RIGHT thing to do but I still worried and worried that I would chicken out.

At first we slipped right into “group” without much word…and I cursed myself thinking I had missed my chance but I didn’t. Yet again I was the only one to show up – for the LAST group – sigh.

I spoke up – I expressed to her my frustrations, my perceptions, my issues with the group but also ways I thought she could make it better in the future.

I told her I was frustrated that it felt like people weren’t taking it seriously – that the lack of structure was what I thought I wanted but in the end something I have learned that I need. I need to be held accountable, I need to feel like people are as invested in it as I am. I also expressed to her that my DBT group and this “mindfulness group” were very different and that just because the skills were still taught doesn’t mean it was the same program and I acknowledge that a lot of my issues stemmed from that. I told her I thought it was important not to miss 5 groups in a row, that my other group had 2 leaders for that purpose (vacations, family emergencies, etc) and so that those of us who really need to work on our interpersonal skills don’t feel left in the lurch so to speak.

It felt GOOD.

She heard me out – she listened and expressed that yes the groups are different, she was glad that I didn’t allow my annoyance and frustration to stop me from going – that I continued to put my recovery first. She told me she wanted the group to not feel like a strict DBT group, more real and more laid back – she felt that the other group I was in (she had a little knowledge about it) almost isolates people and doesn’t allow them to  have times where the skills need to be put to use in the moment. That by not having group (although not intentionally) it gave me the chance to work on my skills to work through it.

She made some good points and in the end I think I was heard enough and that was good enough for me.

It took a LOT out of me today though – it was a BIG step for me…huge actually and as great as I feel about speaking up and feeling like I was heard and that I expressed myself in a direct way without being too aggressive. I just feel emotionally drained.

I came home – I did dishes, made dinner, did more dishes, brought more trash downstairs, cleaned my stove, got lunch ready for tomorrow…and put away all the now clean dishes. It feels productive and even though all I wanted to do was not eat or clean when I got home I forced myself to do it and I am glad I did. Ruby was being so good I even gave her some wet food tonight lol – she is currently asleep on my coffee table 🙂 I think she is loving the clean apartment too 🙂

Goodnight all.

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