as the end gets near..

and no  I don’t mean that in some morbid way. Today I scheduled my last few sessions with E before she is off to start her own career in another state. I can’t fully begin to process what this means to me, what this means to my recovery, what it means to the next chapters of my life.

You know that feeling in your stomach when something new is happening? It isn’t dread, it isn’t fear and it isn’t happiness. It’s like the combination of all 3?

That is how I feel right now.

The feeling is probably something like ‘possibility’ or ‘adventure’ but most of my life by not feeling the bad I also stopped feeling the good…and I’m not entirely sure what either of those things FEEL like. How am I supposed to navigate during this uncertainty? More and more questions keep popping into my head and yet the fewer answers I am finding.

I met with MB, the therapist who is going to probably take over my care when E leaves, for my intake yesterday. Opening up to someone else, even though I am pretty familiar with MB because she was the leader of my DBT group, is so hard. It took so long for me to fully trust and open up to E and now I am supposed to sit back, feel abandoned (yes the kid in me feels like I am being abandoned…it isn’t the “mature” response but it is what I feel) and open up to someone else??? How can I do that? Thankfully MB did her best to put me at ease, to reassure me that she understands how hard of a transition this is going to be for me and I was grateful to her for that.

I know E came into my life for a season. I know she was here to help change me, to help me grow and that eventually she would need to spread her OWN wings and fly just as I have begun to. I wish I could say I’m not sad, that I don’t feel like her leaving isn’t like losing something super important…but right now? That IS how it feels. I need to GRIEVE this loss…and grieving something as it happens vs. letting it fester for almost 20 years? Very different…It’s incredibly scary for me. Hard to think of my life before E and even harder to think about going forward without her there to give me advice, push me to my limits. I know MB will do those things…but E was the first to really crack my outer shell (well her and J) and I know this has to happen but it still leaves me with a pit in my stomach. I know she is going to do AMAZING things and help more people just like me and I am so SO proud of her…but the child in me, she doesn’t want to feel abandoned. I need to comfort that child for awhile, reassure her that E isn’t gone forever and that I still have the people in my life who love and support me.

To be honest I don’t know why I am posting this or sharing it at all – it’s been weeks since I have posted and I finally update not about all the GOOD things that have been happening (which they have) but about this one thing I can’t seem to get my brain and heart to be on the same page about. Life, as of late, has actually been OKAY and besides the every day stresses at work and feeling exhausted most of the time things have really been on an upswing for me. I am grateful for that.

I feel bad not leaving you some nightly meditation! so here is one that struck me hard and has stayed with me for the past few days: May 26th

Awaken to your heart’s contentment

One day, you’ll awaken to discover your life is all you wanted and hoped it out would be.

Oh, you’ll not find everything just the way your head said you wanted it. It might not be the way you planned. But you’ll awaken to your dreams – your dreams of joy, love, and peace. Your dream of freedom.

You’ll see beyond the illusions. You’ll transcend your old limiting beliefs. You’ll wake up and notice that your past is just as it needed to be. You’ll see where you are today is good. You’ll notice that you laugh a lot, cry a lot, smile a lot.

You’ll look at tomorrow with peace, faith, and hope – knowing that while you cannot control some of what life does, you have possibilities and powers in any circumstance life might bright. The struggle you have lived with for so many years, the struggle in your heart, has disappeared. You’re secure, at peace with yourself and your place in this world.

One day, you’ll awaken to your heart’s contentment. Let that day be today.

Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

I will leave you to ponder what it means to YOU to awaken your heart. I know how it makes me feel – I know what it stirred up inside me to read this even a second time.

and so the weekend comes to an end

I have spent most of my weekend relaxing and watching Dexter – a friend recommended that I check the show out and of course they were totally right and I am now addicted. Only 7 seasons behind lol…luckily I have caught up a lot this weekend so I am onto season 6 🙂 This was the first weekend in awhile that I didn’t have a social life – I never imagined that I would have a social life at all lol but it was odd not to having SOMETHING planned this weekend. I have to admit I have mixed emotions about it. One the one hand I loved it because I got to be lazy, un-showered and got to do whatever I felt like but on the other hand I missed the interaction with another person. Such an odd sense of feeling for me, I’ll probably need more time to actually process that one ha.

I sit in my living room now after just picking up my laundry from the dryer at the laundromat (I thought moving home I would be able to avoid this part but sadly my apartment building doesn’t have washer/dryer) sipping on an iced vanilla chai with the cool breeze coming through my window and feeling a sense of peace. Odd isn’t it? to think of peace as simple as something as clean laundry and a cool breeze. Somehow it feels comfortable…today I feel 100% at home.

today’s meditation:

Discover inspiration points

Sometimes, we become so caught up in the daily grind that we forget how much beauty and inspiration our world offers. We forget about the power of inspiration.

My favorite inspiration point in Colorado is a small stand next to the Royal George Bridge, the highest suspension bridge in the world. The stand overlooks the gorge, offering a magnificent overview of canyons, mountains, peaks, and plains. In Bryce Canon, the place called inspiration point overlooks massive canyons. From that vantage point, you can see delicately shaped spirals, in the orange iron color so prominent in the canyon, surrounded by the lighter sandstone and sulfur peaks.

What inspires you? Discover inspiration points – those high places of the spirit from which you can see more, see more clearly, see more beautifully. Spend time taking in the grander view of life. See how calming and inspiring it is. See how you return to life with vigor, enthusiasm, and passion.

Visit places that invigorate your soul, help you see the larger picture. Find places in your home, your community, your state. Look for that place in yourself, that sacred inspiration point within you, where your soul and heart see the larger picture, where you and your ideas come to life, where you make the connection between your soul and the world around you. Seek the power of inspiration.

Inspiration points abound. Open up. Look around. When you seek inspiration, it will come to you.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

Lately I have begun to find inspiration differently than before. Well, maybe not differently but just more aware of the inspiration…like my eyes are more open to it all. All of my senses are taking it all in. The cool breeze, the colors of summer, the squirrels, the trees, the flowers, the smells…I see it all, I feel it now.

I think that is one of the major differences than before. That I can feel it, taste it, see it and hear it. I am fully experiencing the inspiration around me.

A year ago I was still closed off and in closing myself off from the world I also closed off the part of me that could see the beauty and inspiration that is all around. Somehow it just seems so much sadder to look back now in thinking that I was some way protecting myself when really…it was the opposite. I never knew how to be, how to grow, how to act, how to respond. I hide from those things or at least I used to.

Today is mother’s day. I called my mom and wished her a happy mother’s day but I can’t call on the one person whom I always considered a mother and so today isn’t without some sadness but I am taking in the comfort that maybe, just maybe, B is watching down from Heaven and smiling at me. I may not have been her blood but blood doesn’t make a family and I am learning to understand that and find peace in it.

 

I’m back

It’s been weeks and weeks since I have posted last and I have to apologize for just halting all my posts.

Things at work have been…crazy to say the least.

One of the (many) problems that I have is: I am a workaholic. I love the people I work with, I enjoy my job and I appreciate all the opportunities I have been given over the past year and a half. M has only been cleared to come back to work for 4 hours a day and at one point last week MM was out sick twice and one day JS had to leave early! I feel like I have been taking on the brunt of the work. I NEVER could have done that a year ago – fuck I couldn’t have done that 6 months ago but I think I did a fantastic job handling the stress. E is baffled as to how long I am going to be able to do this and she has every reason to wonder that – on Tues night I hit the wall. I crashed into that wall at 100 miles an hour and lost it.

I am noticing that when the good days last longer and longer when I finally hit the wall it feels like I am hitting it harder than I ever have, does anyone else experience this? With work, my sessions with E are getting more and more intense and I even took on a big project at work as well (which has since ended – thank GOD!). I also found out that M graduated with the one person in my life that I will never see again. She knew B, she knew her and grew up with her! I had finally made peace with the fact that mom wasn’t going to share with me any aspect of that part of our lives. Mom likes control. I wasn’t allowed to mourn B’s passing, I wasn’t allowed to visit her grave and she has NEVER once told me where B is buried….and all of that changed with me asking M one question. My entire world felt like it was spinning, it was like opening up this Pandora’s box of feelings and emotions that I forgot I had, that I forgot I could feel. I was comforted that someone else knew her but sad and upset that I still felt abandoned by her. It felt as if my skin was peeled back and I was completely exposed, raw, naked and flooded with memories of B and the short time she was a part of our lives. I felt like I was 10 years old again, my childhood gone, my reality forever changed…the wound that finally started to heal was ripped wide open and the flooding of emotions couldn’t be stopped.

Among all of this craziness I also had the chance to celebrate one year of seeing E! I couldn’t believe it. The girl who never ever wanted to be in therapy just celebrated one year with her therapist! E was so sweet – at my session she brought me a cupcake and got me a water bottle from the MoMa 🙂 I am going to be so sad when she finally leaves. I have to keep telling myself that she is going to help so many others out there like me, that she is going to do great and wonderful things and I am hopeful that there will be a chance to somehow keep in touch with her once she leaves. I know she has come into my life for a season – to help save me, to help me discover pieces of myself and to be the first to listen to all of my secrets. Saying good-bye isn’t one of the things I do the best but she has assured me that she is going to see me through the transition to my new therapist MB.

For the most part I really have been on an up-swing and the crash I had…well that was a long time coming I think. I rode the wave, I felt the feelings and I got through it. I know E is right, I know I need to do DBT again and I most likely will but I am still trying to weigh my pros and cons. I know that I want to move up in my job and J has given me some GREAT feedback about seeing me as Leadership potential and so I know that by doing another round of DBT it won’t only be good for me personally and emotionally but it will also help me professionally in “climbing” the latter so-to-speak.

J has been helping me find other creative outlets in gardening. She has this green thumb that I can’t explain and watching her seedlings go to full blown flowers? fucking nothing cooler than that. So I bought myself a cute little plant that totally inspired the shit out of me and then started growing some seedlings of my own out on my fire escape at my apartment. It acts as this lesson about how I need to treat myself as I treat the seedlings…patience, nurturing, tenderness, attention. It makes so much sense when you apply this to the plants and yet somehow I struggle so deeply with trying to apply it to my own life…why is that? why is it that I never ever seem to put as much care into myself as I do with my work, my art and the things around me?

There have been many nightly meditations over the past few weeks – some that have touched me greatly, some that acted as harsh reminders and others that I don’t think (at this moment in time) apply to me. I am still reading them every night, I am still trying to find meaning in them and I share them with J and I think (and hope) she gets as much out of them as I do. The more I get to know of her the more I feel connected to her…like she is my sister. I know that sounds silly but the friendship really does feel that deep to me. She and E have both agreed to meet (just to say hello) before E leaves – I want the two most influential people in my life to meet each other. It won’t be a session or anything – I just want them to meet since I talk about them to each other ALL the time. I am so thrilled they both agreed.

I will leave you with today’s actual meditation. If you want to know what some of the other days meditations were I would be happy to share them with you in the comments section 🙂

Love yourself enough to Relax

Our bodies react to the world around us – and within us – in many ways. Our bodies act like sponges – they can soak up healing energy or they can absorb and trap the negative energy of stress and tension. Some of us are so used to keeping our bodies tense and bound up we don’t even notice how much they hurt, how strained and tight our muscles are.

Connect with your body. Learn to tell how tense it is. Take a few moments throughout the day to see what hurts, what aches, what muscles are being strained. Although tension can affect the entire body, many of us have favorite places in our body to store stress, places that usually become tense, rigid, and full of aches. Necks, shoulders, lower backs are favorite traps. Become familiar with your body and where it stores stress and tension.

Then, learn to relax. Explore different options. Therapeutic massage. Self-hypnosis. Meditation. Soaking in a hot bath. Sitting in the steam room. Exercise. Visualization. Taking time to do activities that bring you pleasure. If you make the effort to explore relaxation techniques, you will find ways to relax that you like and can afford.

If you’ve been soaking up too much stress, give yourself a break. Let your body start soaking up some healing energy, too. Love yourself enough to help your body relax.

This is one I have actually been practicing today. Relaxing. Taking a hot shower. Watching TV. Painting. I used to have such an issue with allowing myself to take the time for myself. I used to feel lazy and guilty. I have been reading a book that J lent me called “View from a Sketchbook” and enjoying it a lot. There is something about how the way they describe the world around, the prairie, the things they see and witness. I dunno…it’s almost poetic.

I am feeling a little blocked on the creative front which is a little frustrating for me but I checked on my little sprouts this morning, curled up in my chair, watched some more Dexter and fully let myself take comfort in doing whatever it is I feel like. I am coming to the deeper realization that I’m not the same person anymore.

I left home as soon as I graduated high school because I never felt like I belonged, I never appreciated the quiet, I never appreciated any of it. Now that I am back…now that I feel like I am a person that is worth living…I don’t know…it is like I appreciate it all far more than I ever imagined. Coming back here was a leap of faith, one final stitch effort to find meaning in what felt like my entire meaningless existence. What I actually found was so much more…hope, family, faith, friendship. Things I don’t ever want to lose again.

I have so many to thank for that. So when I am crashing in the waves I remember that I am not alone. I have people who are there to help me back up and make sure that I never drown.

I leave you with a 4 leaf clover I am growing and my little sprouts (as I call them :))

4leafclover sprouts

(c) borderlinemusings 2013