and no I don’t mean that in some morbid way. Today I scheduled my last few sessions with E before she is off to start her own career in another state. I can’t fully begin to process what this means to me, what this means to my recovery, what it means to the next chapters of my life.
You know that feeling in your stomach when something new is happening? It isn’t dread, it isn’t fear and it isn’t happiness. It’s like the combination of all 3?
That is how I feel right now.
The feeling is probably something like ‘possibility’ or ‘adventure’ but most of my life by not feeling the bad I also stopped feeling the good…and I’m not entirely sure what either of those things FEEL like. How am I supposed to navigate during this uncertainty? More and more questions keep popping into my head and yet the fewer answers I am finding.
I met with MB, the therapist who is going to probably take over my care when E leaves, for my intake yesterday. Opening up to someone else, even though I am pretty familiar with MB because she was the leader of my DBT group, is so hard. It took so long for me to fully trust and open up to E and now I am supposed to sit back, feel abandoned (yes the kid in me feels like I am being abandoned…it isn’t the “mature” response but it is what I feel) and open up to someone else??? How can I do that? Thankfully MB did her best to put me at ease, to reassure me that she understands how hard of a transition this is going to be for me and I was grateful to her for that.
I know E came into my life for a season. I know she was here to help change me, to help me grow and that eventually she would need to spread her OWN wings and fly just as I have begun to. I wish I could say I’m not sad, that I don’t feel like her leaving isn’t like losing something super important…but right now? That IS how it feels. I need to GRIEVE this loss…and grieving something as it happens vs. letting it fester for almost 20 years? Very different…It’s incredibly scary for me. Hard to think of my life before E and even harder to think about going forward without her there to give me advice, push me to my limits. I know MB will do those things…but E was the first to really crack my outer shell (well her and J) and I know this has to happen but it still leaves me with a pit in my stomach. I know she is going to do AMAZING things and help more people just like me and I am so SO proud of her…but the child in me, she doesn’t want to feel abandoned. I need to comfort that child for awhile, reassure her that E isn’t gone forever and that I still have the people in my life who love and support me.
To be honest I don’t know why I am posting this or sharing it at all – it’s been weeks since I have posted and I finally update not about all the GOOD things that have been happening (which they have) but about this one thing I can’t seem to get my brain and heart to be on the same page about. Life, as of late, has actually been OKAY and besides the every day stresses at work and feeling exhausted most of the time things have really been on an upswing for me. I am grateful for that.
I feel bad not leaving you some nightly meditation! so here is one that struck me hard and has stayed with me for the past few days: May 26th
Awaken to your heart’s contentment
One day, you’ll awaken to discover your life is all you wanted and hoped it out would be.
Oh, you’ll not find everything just the way your head said you wanted it. It might not be the way you planned. But you’ll awaken to your dreams – your dreams of joy, love, and peace. Your dream of freedom.
You’ll see beyond the illusions. You’ll transcend your old limiting beliefs. You’ll wake up and notice that your past is just as it needed to be. You’ll see where you are today is good. You’ll notice that you laugh a lot, cry a lot, smile a lot.
You’ll look at tomorrow with peace, faith, and hope – knowing that while you cannot control some of what life does, you have possibilities and powers in any circumstance life might bright. The struggle you have lived with for so many years, the struggle in your heart, has disappeared. You’re secure, at peace with yourself and your place in this world.
One day, you’ll awaken to your heart’s contentment. Let that day be today.
Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie
I will leave you to ponder what it means to YOU to awaken your heart. I know how it makes me feel – I know what it stirred up inside me to read this even a second time.