Bracing myself for change

I had a session with M today – as much as I know that she is going to push me, as much as I am going to miss E, I am looking forward to the next chapter in my recovery. I talked a little about my childhood in session today, I really don’t like to talk about my childhood because there is so much I literally can’t remember. Black holes where memories should be. It’s scary to realize that, scary to know that my method for dealing with those black holes was cutting.

Lots of changes are coming…I can feel it like the breeze on a summers day. I want to run from it but I know I can’t, I know better now. I can face these changes, I can handle change now. I think THAT realization alone is a big step for me and I am learning to be okay with that. For so long I couldn’t give myself kudos when I do something good, I couldn’t ever be proud of myself no matter what the accomplishment – I never found ANY good within myself. Now I know better.

Thanks to the people in my life now I know that I am someone who has value and even during the darkest of times they have stuck by me. They have been there to wipe away my tears, hold my hand and help me face the things I fear the most. How lucky am I?

Today’s meditation:

 

You are a perfect balance of yin and yang

I trudged to the top of the mesa in Sedona. A woman I’d met had told me what to look for. There it was: a rock formation, a naturally formed statue. On the left side, the formation looked like a woman, an Egyptian goddess with necklace and breasts. On the right, it had taken the shape of a male. I found it immediately. A statue with two sides, two faces – one male, one female.

For many years, I denied the feminine part of God, of the universe, of myself. I thought my strength and power that to come from other parts, other sides. I resented my femininity, raged about it, because I thought being feminine meant bring helpless and powerless. But I’ve learned something along the way. There is a power in the feminine and power in the masculine. Both parts are in us. Both parts are valuable.

Our strength, courage, protectiveness, and the ability to decide, organize, plan, order, and choose reflect masculine energy. Our creativity, sensitivity, emotions, vulnerability, intuition and instincts for nurturing and caregiving are the wisdom of the feminine side.

Honor and respect the masculine and feminine energy, the yin and yang to yourself, the universe, the people around you. Both parts are important. Both can be trusted. Learn to let them work together in harmony.

Climb to the top of the mountain. Look around. See the perfect balance of masculine and feminine. Let that balance come alive in you.

Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

It’s funny because I read this and all I could think of was J.

J has this aura about her – this ability to just be herself and look so effortless. There is something so impressive about her organic nature and harmonious way of thinking. I sometimes find myself so jealous of her and not in a bad way – just that she lives in a way I always wanted to. She is so at one with nature and the earth – it’s inspiring. She makes me want to be a better person – if you ask me that is a TRUE friendship.

Sometimes I feel like a statue with two sides. I spent most of my life ignoring my feminine side because I spent much time thinking I wasn’t pretty or beautiful. I spent so much time being angry at that, that I overlooked the power that it could have. When you spent your life growing up playing 3 sports, relating more to guys…it’s hard to appreciate that power let alone see it. Since I have met J and the girls at work and started to come out of my shell I am trying to embrace the feminine side, I am trying to harness the power that it holds.

They have shown me a part of myself I thought I never had and I can’t thank them enough for that. Each day I learn, grow and find happiness. They have helped me to learn to live.

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