I know it’s worth the fight

I have Grace Potter ‘Can’t See Through” lyrics running through my head. Sometimes when lyrics get stuck in my head I hate it – I can’t figure out how or why they are there. I think these lyrics are incredibly appropriate for today and where I am at in my journey:

I’m not quite broken but I’m not quite right
But I keep on going ’cause I think it’s worth the fight

And if you aren’t familiar with Grace Potter you really should be. I have seen her perform live and she is just…ENERGY. Below is the official video for “The Lion, The Beast and The Beat” – watch it, you will be happy you did.

 

So I got my ass handed to me at work today. Do you ever feel like no matter how much you do you feel like you haven’t accomplished a damn thing? That was my entire day basically from the moment I got in until the moment I left. I hate those kinds of days. I felt GOOD about what I had accomplished however I find it hard to actually celebrate those moments because I am worried about when it is all going to blow up in my face, when the other shoe is going to drop.

M is cleared to come back to work full time on Monday – if I’m honest I don’t have a lot of confidence in it but it is out of my hands and out of my control. I need to worry about my work and now that she is back she will have the be responsible for whatever mistakes she makes and I need to let go of the fact that MM, JS and I spent months doing her job and just go about it all like she never hit her head. It is FAR easier said than done.

I actually have plans this weekend and I am looking forward to them. I have such incredible friends and people in my life. How and when did I get to be so lucky? Can you believe a year ago I wanted to kill myself? It’s strange to think about…it’s not that I don’t think about it anymore because I do. I think the difference is that now even though the thoughts are there I know that they don’t control me anymore.

Today’s meditation:

You’re right where you need to be

You’re right where you need to be – on your path, guided, in just the right place for you today.

Many times on my journey I stopped short, convinced I would never find the place I was trying to find, only to discover that it was right in front of me all the time. I had gone there instinctively. Gone right where I needed to go, right where I was heading.

There is a part of us that knows where we need to be and understands where we really want to go. There’s a place in us that has the map, even if our eyes and conscious mind can’t see it, can’t figure it out, or aren’t certain it’s there.

If you’re spinning in circles, feeling lost and confused, trying to figure out where you need to be and not all that certain where you’re going, stop. Breathe deeply. Look around.

You’re right where you need to be. Maybe you’ve been there all along.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

WOW.

Intense stuff but so very very true.

Thinking about my journey a lot lately. Thinking about where I was, where I’ve been and where I am going. The people who have been on my journey (those who are still there and those who have gone) and I feel at peace. It’s not total happiness yet – but it’s a place where I am learning to feel the good as well as the bad. It’s the most I have felt alive in my entire life. It isn’t always simple and easy but there is a lot to be said for the comfort of this kind of stability.

I owe so much to E and the girls. They have been such a driving force in my recovery.

 

 

 

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