Fighting through the pain

The lessons are love

Lessons of love, that’s what they are.

We usually don’t know what the lesson is while we’re learning it. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Besides, if we knew it, really knew it, we wouldn’t need to learn it. We’d already be practicing it in our daily lives. Byt even when we don’t know what the lesson is, we can know one thing: it’s a lesson of love.

Courage. Faith. Patience. Loving ourselves when it looks and feels like nobody else cares. Starting over again one more time, when we think we’ve already started over again more times than we should have had to. Forgiveness. Compassion. Gentleness. Joy. Each one is a lesson of love.

For many of us, the problem isn’t that we haven’t had love in our lives before. The issue is that we haven’t understood love. Know this: not only are the lessons about love, the lessons themselves are love.

Feel your feelings. Struggle through your situations and experiences and emotions. The struggle to learn isn’t incidental to your purpose. It’s an integral part of your purpose, your destiny, your reason for being. Go through your moments of darkness and confusion, and trust that the light will come. Through it all, rest in one thought: you’re on track. You’re on your path.

You’re connected to love. You’re connected to God. And the lessons you’re learning are lessons of love.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

Usually the passages of love tend to make me feel uncomfortable because learning to love myself is still pretty new to me.

I still struggle to feel the emotions, to sit with them, to try and understand them.

When things get tough for me now…I look at the picture of B’s grave. I look at it and remember how I told her I was going to work as hard as I can to get better.

I remember what it felt like to actually be there, to face that fear. It’s a reminder that facing the fears won’t kill me; that they can make me stronger.

Every moment I am learning, growing, changing…it’s all a process. I’m not thrilled with that since I am not patient lol but I am working at trying to be more patient with myself.

I am learning to allow myself to feel the feelings I have, to sit with my emotions and try and understand why I have them.

It’s not easy – especially when the emotions are anger. I hate thinking of myself as an “angry” person…it was almost easier to think of myself as depressed or anxious.

I know that anger is a normal human emotion but feeling it? Sometimes it makes me feel out of control.

I always wonder how much of my past could have been different if I had gotten help sooner, if I had found B’s grave sooner…but the reality is I didn’t. The reality is I found her when I was meant to, when I was emotionally well enough to. I loved her, I miss her and she will always be a part of me. I know this now. I am learning how to let go of the baggage and hold onto the memories. The old me didn’t understand the difference. I wasn’t open enough and my lens wasn’t clear enough to see it until now.

Hopefully this weekend I will write up what my last session with E was like. The emotions are still strong. She was such an important part of my life, I know I was an important part of her life. I won’t end up sharing everything because a lot of that I need for myself – but she meant so much to me and the last session was no exception to that.

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