with every high comes a low

I should have known spending more than 15 minutes alone in that house was going to be too much for me.

With my sister on her honeymoon I am dog-sitting at her house, the house I grew up in, the house that has far more demons and darkness than I am ready to face alone. 16 days…it feels like forever. I spent extra time there today to get laundry done for free (so I wouldn’t have to go to the laundromat) and I think that was a mistake.

I thought I was strong enough to not let it consume me, I thought I could handle it.

The basement.

The 20 steps down feel like an eternity. The creeks in the wood even bring back flashes of my past.

The only cold part of that entire house. Freezing. Dark even with all the lights on. Each corner of that place has a memory.

I tried to do the laundry as quickly as I could so I could leave the shadows behind.

I watched a movie there in hopes to keep my mind off the demons of my past – wishing that the clothes would dry faster.

I know where each blade used to be. Strategically hidden. My safety net, my blanket of security when things were out of my control. I still miss them sometimes, I still think about it. I know that it won’t be like this forever – it won’t always be so hard.

My hands caress the old bookcase, the tv stand. I graze over the few VHS’s we still have, the wall that I sponge painted blue. My breath is shallow and deep. I’m 12 years old again. It may no longer have the 4 walls that once used to be my room but I can still see it like it was yesterday.

I got myself back to my apartment as quickly as I could and let the tears flow.

The couch became my rock – I feared what would happen if I left.

Around me all of sudden are scissors, knives…like some sort of sick joke.

I’ll get through this…I just….I get scared of the low after the highs.

It feels like an undertow trying to take me out to sea, struggling to keep my head above water.

I have to remember that no matter how hard it is…I am still surviving and getting through it.

cue the full blown anxiety…

I have a date tomorrow night with a guy I met on OKCupid. I am freaking out.

My last experience was my friend C trying to hook me up with the guy she is seeings friend D…She texted D a picture of me and then boom all of a sudden he was always “busy” or “working overtime” when she was trying to plan a double date. Eventually she got it out of him that it was because of how I looked. Talk about a way to KILL your self-esteem. This has been my entire life. Never good enough, never smart enough, never skinny enough, never pretty enough…so this “date” tomorrow. This is HUGE for me.

I have never been much of a ‘dater’ basically for the reasons I outlined above. It’s hard to date when you hate yourself and spend most of the time you are wishing you are dead. The guy, G, seems really nice, outgoing, a lot of fun. We’ve been talking for a few days and he asked if I wanted to go out. The problem is I do and yet the fear is just so incredibly overwhelming. How is it that I am 30 years old and I am scared fucking shitless about a date?! what the fuck is that?

J said she would go with me as a buffer – I think my level of fear and anxiety warrants a buffer but it also makes me feel like a child…like I need a chaperone. I think J understands what a huge leap this is for me and that helps. We are just gonna meet up and have some beers and maybe get some food and I was completely honest with him that I needed to take things super slow. I’m pretty sure announcing on a first “date” that I am fucked in the head, have borderline personality disorder and have spent most of my life wishing I was dead is NOT the right way to go so I am trying to play it cool. The less he knows about my mental state the better. What if he walks in and turns around when he sees me? what if I’m not good enough? these are the fears and thoughts running through my mind. I don’t want to be lonely, I do want to find someone to connect with on an intimate level the problem is my anxiety.  J is convinced this is good for me and I KNOW she is right…but I’m so fucking anxious. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me? I know I deserve to find someone….but my brain just keeps telling me I’m not enough.

On a far better note? who knows anymore, M brought in her high school yearbook to work. I got to see pictures of B when she was in high school. Do you have any idea how extraordinarily amazing it was to see those? To be able to make copies and have a piece of her that I never had before? God, it’s incredible. She was voted ‘Best Looking’ and ‘Best Body’ and was on the prom court and honor society – she looked just as beautiful as I remembered her. I’m crying right now just typing this. She meant so much to me and it was just SO sweet and wonderful of M to bring back her high school year book so I could have pictures of B, pictures I am not sure anyone in my family has seen before. Her smile…that is what I remember most, that is what I miss.

The quote on her senior picture

“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen”

That quote sums her up perfectly and reminds me not only of her but J. I’m still convinced B played a big part in me getting the job I have and bringing me to my work family. The day she died the world lost an incredible soul and heaven gained a beautiful angel. I have to remember that I got several amazing years with someone who I will always consider a second mother – I have to hold onto that and let go of the anger and sadness. I would give anything to see her again but I wouldn’t give back a single minute of the time I got with her.

And now that I am a blubbering mess I am going to go onto tonight’s meditation:

Tap into the creative flow

Life is creative, and so are you. Let the creative energy of the universe come alive for you. Let it help you bring your creativity alive. Let it bring you the answers, the direction, the guidance you need to create. Let it bring you your ingredients.

What are you trying to create? A more loving, open relationship? More spiritual growth? A new job? A book? A new home? A friendship? A play? A dong? A quilt? A meal? A budget? Ask the universe for the help you need. Ask it to help you find your ingredients; ask it to help you form your vision, get clear on your ideas, and produce the best creation you can.

Your answer may come quickly. As we grow and embrace our connection to the universe, as we embrace our connection to ourselves, we find many of our answers appearing almost immediately. If the answer doesn’t come right away, don’t try to force it. The help will come. The idea will come. The next ingredient for your creation will appear. Sometimes the answer will come softly, almost as a whisper. Other times the guidance will be loud and clear. You will see and hear the guidance clearly and easily when you continue to love yourself.

Tap into the creative energy of the universe. It will help you tap into your own. To tap into God and the creative force, just tap into your heart.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I’m crying happy tears right now.  I asked the universe for a real family. And I got one.

J is the loud and clear guidance that I needed, wanted and feared. She pushed me in ways that MAKE me want to be better. She has shown me what the universe has to offer.

Enjoying life, connecting with nature, watching the birds, the butterflies and gardening…she taught me all of those things. At least she taught me how to be OPEN to all those things and by doing that she helped me discover parts of myself that I never knew I had. I am so lucky and blessed to have such incredible and wonderful people in my life and I need to learn to listen to them more when they are trying to teach me about life and lessons in learning to be myself, forgive myself and finding out who *I* am.

I may not always be sure what I am doing or where this path is going to take me but as long as I have my FAMILY by my side I know I am going to be okay. J and the girls have helped me in ways I never thought possible, they helped me tear down the walls I built up and never once judged me. They love and care about ME and there are no strings attached to it – it is just pure and simple love. I never knew that existed. How blessed am I?

Goodnight world.

 

 

a photo to reflect on

It has been a long time since I have posted. I have lots to say and finding less and less time to say it all. I plan on making time to keep this site updated even if it is just a few sentences. I owe it to myself not to quit yet another thing in my life.

My littler sister L got married this past weekend. It was beautiful. It was in a remote location with no cell service and no internet. I have to admit the idea of ‘unplugging’ was hard for me since I constantly check my work email but it was surprisingly nice. I got to sit on a dock (we couldn’t swim because of leeches 😦 oh well) and take in the beautiful and incredible few days.

Here is a picture of that little piece of heaven.

beautiful

Makes you wish you were there huh? I know I’d like to go back there. The sky at night…you could see the stars go on forever. Magical doesn’t even seem like the right word to describe it. I spent most of my younger years looking forward to the day when I no longer lived in the country and had the “city life” and now that I have gotten that part of my life out of my system? the country life is exactly what I need.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I never saw all the beauty that it held before but I know in order to appreciate it the way I do now I needed to take some time away from it. Even still…the twinkle of those stars brought me back to a time in my life when things felt simple, less chaotic. In this place time stood still. This place touched a part of my heart that I had closed off – it has helped me realize a lot of things. Some of those things I will share here and some are too personal to share just yet. But when the time is right I will.

It has been over two weeks since I have seen M for a session…it has been super hard but good for me to find my own footing, deal with the daily ups and downs without the constant need for a professional to help me see the correct way to deal with things. I am sort of proud of myself for doing that, for getting through it all and not losing it. The waves come and go and I need to learn to ride them better but I am slowly but surely getting to a place where I am able to make that happen.

Who knows what tomorrow brings…I hope you guys will still be here to join me on this crazy ride.