I should be in a masquerade…

With my family I am always wearing masks.

I’m tired of playing the role of the dutiful daughter and never getting anything in return. I put on a smile and a happy face and I let the world see what they want everyone to see: a loving family. The secrets and lies of what it means to be in this family weigh heavily on me which is why I spend as little time around them as possible. Does that make me cold? probably.

I’m learning that for my own well being I need to be a tad selfish and cut myself off from the toxic and negative people in my life – it sucks that unfortunately those negative people happen to be my own flesh and blood. Both E and MB have told me that I need to look at it like I am standing in front of a vending machine and that no matter how much money I put into it, that it will NEVER give me what I am looking for. The more time I spend with positive people the more I know this to be true yet I still feel guilty. I feel like I am letting THEM down – are you kidding me? my entire life nobody has stood beside me, nobody took the time to help me and yet I worry about letting THEM down?! How fucked up is that?

The years of sadness, the cutting, the distance and the eating disorder(s) that were clearly overlooked by the people who were supposed to love and protect me are wounds that still remain freshly intact. A childhood spent either being ignored or only noticed for my weight. I was only on her radar when I was eating, when I wasn’t making her look good, when I was an embarrassment. She had no problem putting me on countless diets, pushing me into sports I didn’t want to play and find ways to belittle any and all accomplishments I seemed to make. She measured love based on appearance, based on what the outside world saw.  The feelings of inadequacy and feelings of worthlessness I have spent the past 30 years carrying around – it’s no wonder I am how I am.

I’d like to think that she did the best she could, that she was being supportive in her own way – that it all came from a place of love. The problem is I can only float around in that sea of denial for so long. I’d like to think if B were still alive she never would have allowed my mother to talk to me the way she did, to treat me the way she did…but I don’t know that for sure, the only truth I learned at that age was that next to death there wasn’t much of a way to stop the shit from getting out of control. I learned that hiding your feelings was how you needed to live. That you don’t cry, you don’t share and you certainly don’t let your weaknesses be shown.

In life there are moments that can shape and define you for better or worse. What I am now trying to do is find ways to move forward and find new ways to shape and define who I am. In the words of J “none of it is easy, but it is ALL worth it.”

 

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learning to find my balance…

So after several consecutive days on the bike I took today off…my knees were starting to bother me and I know I need to listen when my body is telling me I am pushing myself too hard. I burn approx 630+ calories every time I get on the bike and I don’t eat all that much (not on purpose I just find that I never have the time lol) and so I am hoping this new found outlet brings me mental clarity and the chance to shed some MUCH needed pounds.

MB (my therapist) and I have been dealing with my body image issues. This is a topic that I am struggling with on many levels. I’m not doing any of the DBT skills work in my therapy with MB so I am trying to keep those skills in the forefront as I deal with some of these issues that are deeply rooted.

Lately I find myself finding it harder and harder to hide the stuff I have going on from coming out in destructive ways. I have gotten so good at being able to let things go, to be able to table my personal issues and keep it out of work but lately it’s becoming so hard. I find myself getting defensive for no reason, angry and upset at the little things and more and more my mind is going to self harm first and I am not able to focus on anything else. I even contemplated calling a suicide hotline the other day because I was so down. I ended up crying myself to sleep but the idea of a suicide hotline used to scare me…this time is sounded like a comfort. I don’t want to die and yet it’s sometimes the ONLY thing I can think about.

I am usually able to handle the stresses of my job (mostly) with ease but lately I feel like nothing I do is right, nothing I say is right and regardless of how hard I work and how hard I push myself it doesn’t matter. The problem is ME. I think these things and people can tell me over and over again the truth but my mind can’t focus on anything but the negative and false reality it seems to have cultivated. It’s like my brain is stuck in this fucked up loop of bullshit and no matter how much I try and reign myself back to reality I can’t get off the ride. I am taking some time off coming up – I need to be able to regroup and let myself decompress from the everyday crap that I can usually shrug off but as of late am only able to obsessively focus on.

I wish it was easier for me to be able to ride out the bad waves. Sometimes I can do it with ease but the past week or so it has felt like I am drowning in this wave. I come up for air and get sucked back down. It’s exhausting to fight the wave. I know I can’t falter, I can’t fall back into my old patterns and yet I can feel myself doing it. I committed myself to getting through this, for trying to live with borderline.

During my session with MB I confessed to her that I had tried to reach out to E but her email was no longer valid. She said “I am so glad you brought that up – she and I were emailing back and forth and she wanted me to share something with you”. A part of me was scared to hear what MB was going to say next or maybe I had just convinced myself that E left and didn’t give a shit about me or my quest for wellness. What MB said next brought happy tears to my eyes. She said that E got the job she had wanted and that she felt terrible but that for some reason she was never able to access her email when she left. She said she would be in contact with me when her new work email was up and running. As happy as I was…I felt like a complete and total asshole. I doubted one of the only people in my life who ever really cared and took an interest in helping me get better. She didn’t forget me…MB said she clearly thinks about me and that bond means something. How could I so quickly dismiss it? how could I think she would abandon me?

How do you guys handle the harder times? What things are you able to do to help you from self destructing?

On a lot of days my borderline just seems like another little piece of who I am and on other days it feels like that is the ONLY thing I am. That kind of back and forth to my emotional mind can be extraordinary difficult to manage and on the days where I can’t seem to focus on anything except the negative it can be so scary. Sometimes I worry I will cut again, sometimes I worry that the urges to drive my car into a lamp post will be so intense that I won’t be able to find a way to save myself. I know it probably sounds dramatic and over the top – sometimes I can’t find a middle ground…like I only have 2 ways to think. High or Low. No middle or common ground.

I need to find that balance. I need to believe that I have it deep inside me. Some days that is easier to believe than others – I just have to keep cleaning my lens and focusing on the things that matter, the important things in my life. I HAVE things to live for, I have people I care about and people who care about me…the ability to get through it is in me, I just have to dig a little deeper to find it.

Happy Friday everyone and thanks for listening!

 

trying to find some new footing

So since my post last night I have worked out on my bike, went grocery shopping and have started making something for a late lunch.

A walk in the brisk air also helped…I’m trying to clear my mind. Find the balance.

I should first state that I am NOT a chef, my overbearing mother however is, and I honestly don’t have much cooking experience. My idea of dinner is hitting up subway for an oven roasted chicken sandwich lol. I have always WANTED to be good at cooking but a lot of my problem is I *HATE* cleaning up afterwards. I am getting better at it all though.

Right now I have simmering on the stove the beginnings of Apple Cinnamon Butternut Squash soup. This is a daring attempt to step outside my comfort zone and really try and make something from scratch. I am scared it will be an epic fail.

Thankfully my entire apartment smells delicious right now…like fall. I pray the soup tastes as good as it smells. I love butternut squash and apples and cinnamon and it honestly doesn’t call for much apple so I think it might be a nice little hint of the taste and not overpower it.

Everything smell so delicious.

I sat with my emotions as I cut up the butternut squash, as I chopped the onion and the apple. I am at peace right now. I needed a day of crying I think in order to get those emotions out – holding in emotions is where it gets dangerous for me and as scary as it is to FEEL so much all at once it isn’t half as scary as doing something I know I’d regret; like cutting or worse.

Final product

IMG_4610

 

There are a few things I might do differently next time BUT it is actually pretty darn good!! I tastes like fall in a cup 🙂 It’s a little thicker than soup but tastes really great. There is a hint of apple and cinnamon but it pairs so nicely with the butternut squash 🙂

Tears, fears and abandonment

I tried to email E this week…we had an agreement that I could email her and she might not respond. I was and AM fully okay with that plan. We agreed on it in my very last session with her because she didn’t want me to feel abandoned. The problem? Her email is no longer valid.

hello feelings of abandonment…it’s been awhile…I haven’t missed you.

I cried myself last night feeling so alone. I knew E and I wouldn’t really be “friends” once she left but knowing I had the ability to still reach out made it feel a lot less scary. It helped to know even if she never responded that she was out there still somehow connected to me. Now? Now it is just a void. An empty hole.

I know it’s dramatic, I know it doesn’t make sense. A loss is a loss…so I have to grieve it.

In our last session she gave me a book. A book that meant a lot to her a book that now means a lot to me. I can’t even look at it without crying. It’s practically soaked in my tears right now. I trusted her with pieces I had never even fully admitted to myself before. My dark secrets. The first person to not give a shit about the bad but dug deep inside to pull out the good I still had hidden deep inside. The good I didn’t even know I had anymore.

Maybe I rely too much on others. Maybe I just suffocate those who take the time to get to know me.

I cried all day today. A mix of tears really. J sent me a really frank email that gave me reason to cry happy tears for her, proud tears for her but also tears that made me sad for me. She has so much on her plate, things she needs to work out on her own and her own demons to face. But like most things in order to help her our friendship needs to take a back seat and the creative endeavors we constantly work on will cease for awhile. I’m sad for me because maybe I used those creative endeavors as a crutch, perhaps I wasn’t getting better just finding better ways to hide? I cried happy tears for her and proud tears for her because it was so brave of her to admit what she needs to do. I couldn’t be any prouder to know her let alone have her in my life.

Am I the monster? Am I the reason why everyone leaves? What will it take to find some stability, to have a life? I ruin everything good. All I ever wanted in life was to feel like I mattered and yet when I find people in my life who make me feel like it I push them away and run scared. Those people deserve better than what I give back. I can’t apologize anymore for who I am and what I put people through.

I might not be fully broken but I certainly don’t feel like I could ever be whole. I believed E when she said I could reach out to her, that she would still be there even if she didn’t respond. Maybe the truth is she IS still there for me but right now? right now the tears flow faster than they have in a long time.

It’s funny. After years of not ever being able to cry, of thinking I had no tears left…lately? they don’t stop. Is it possible to drown in tears?