Tears, fears and abandonment

I tried to email E this week…we had an agreement that I could email her and she might not respond. I was and AM fully okay with that plan. We agreed on it in my very last session with her because she didn’t want me to feel abandoned. The problem? Her email is no longer valid.

hello feelings of abandonment…it’s been awhile…I haven’t missed you.

I cried myself last night feeling so alone. I knew E and I wouldn’t really be “friends” once she left but knowing I had the ability to still reach out made it feel a lot less scary. It helped to know even if she never responded that she was out there still somehow connected to me. Now? Now it is just a void. An empty hole.

I know it’s dramatic, I know it doesn’t make sense. A loss is a loss…so I have to grieve it.

In our last session she gave me a book. A book that meant a lot to her a book that now means a lot to me. I can’t even look at it without crying. It’s practically soaked in my tears right now. I trusted her with pieces I had never even fully admitted to myself before. My dark secrets. The first person to not give a shit about the bad but dug deep inside to pull out the good I still had hidden deep inside. The good I didn’t even know I had anymore.

Maybe I rely too much on others. Maybe I just suffocate those who take the time to get to know me.

I cried all day today. A mix of tears really. J sent me a really frank email that gave me reason to cry happy tears for her, proud tears for her but also tears that made me sad for me. She has so much on her plate, things she needs to work out on her own and her own demons to face. But like most things in order to help her our friendship needs to take a back seat and the creative endeavors we constantly work on will cease for awhile. I’m sad for me because maybe I used those creative endeavors as a crutch, perhaps I wasn’t getting better just finding better ways to hide? I cried happy tears for her and proud tears for her because it was so brave of her to admit what she needs to do. I couldn’t be any prouder to know her let alone have her in my life.

Am I the monster? Am I the reason why everyone leaves? What will it take to find some stability, to have a life? I ruin everything good. All I ever wanted in life was to feel like I mattered and yet when I find people in my life who make me feel like it I push them away and run scared. Those people deserve better than what I give back. I can’t apologize anymore for who I am and what I put people through.

I might not be fully broken but I certainly don’t feel like I could ever be whole. I believed E when she said I could reach out to her, that she would still be there even if she didn’t respond. Maybe the truth is she IS still there for me but right now? right now the tears flow faster than they have in a long time.

It’s funny. After years of not ever being able to cry, of thinking I had no tears left…lately? they don’t stop. Is it possible to drown in tears?

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