rough session…rough day

MB and I had out weekly session today and for some reason it was a rough one. I think the more we dig the more shit we dig up the the harder it is to face. I am working so hard every single day and sometimes it feels like I have made zero progress – it’s so frustrating.

I have spent the past 23+ years angry and hating myself because of what OTHER people put into my head. Now the only problem is that it is now programmed into my head and I can’t seem to turn it off. It plays over and over and the voices are just there constantly feeding into every single ounce of self doubt that I have and no matter how hard I try and combat them I can’t seem to win. I fight and I fight and I fight and I never win.

I told MB today that the never ending cycle of trying to better myself feels like I am a hamster on a wheel. I spin and I spin and I never get anywhere. I’ve done diets upon diets…I’ve done it healthy, I’ve done it not healthy, I’ve done pills and I’ve done gyms and she said “well then what do you think you should do” and I said “get off the fucking wheel.” I was surprised at how quickly I responded to that. I told her I never thought of doing nothing..my life has always felt as though there were limits put on it when it came to my weight and eating. The idea of continuing with cooking, working out on my bike but not putting that pressure on myself to have it “change my life” I dunno…it hit me hard.

MB loves to timeline things out – this is both good and bad for me. Good because I have to face a lot of fucking facts that frankly I wouldn’t be nearly as fucked up as I am right now and bad for the same reasons lol. I can’t blame my mom for it all though – I have to be partially responsible. I could have spoken up sooner, I knew it was wrong to cut, i knew thinking about killing myself was wrong but I never had someone I could reach out to. I have that now and I have people in my life who don’t give a shit about what I weigh, what I look like or what I wear. I have people in my life that just love me for who I am: flaws and all. I can’t even love all the flaws yet and somehow they do. That kind of a gift? that is something that you can’t repay.

Before I leave my sessions MB always asks the same question “can you stay safe until I see you next” and USUALLY I’m pretty quick to say ‘YES’ but today, today she knew I wasn’t myself. I paused for a few seconds and said (not looking at her) “I’m fine” and since MB knows me back from when I was seeing E and doing DBT group she knows “I’m fine” is not really fine. We talked about finding out some health news about my mom and what feelings that brought up for me and the fact that I have my stress test on Friday and she knows how I am struggling with the decision I will eventually be faced with: having an ultrasound to determine my heart valve size or not having it. I thought a LOT of my uncle K today. He was just on my mind. He died so young and I wonder what HE would have done. I miss him so much.

So to avoid all these feelings I came home and ate some dinner – I wasn’t in a real cooking mood so I had just picked up some chicken from the grocery store already cooked. I had an urge to cook a little while ago and so I decided to make little mini apple pies (using a pumpkin pie mold I got from Crate and Barrel) and they actually turned out pretty yummy!!

Before Cooking

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After Cooking

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I think I will have to make these again.

For now I am going to relax and head off to bed. Goodnight all.

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Facing demons…and it’s not even Halloween.

(my life has been so hectic I have been trying to get this post done since MONDAY lol)

So Saturday was one of my oldest friends wedding. I love H, she and I have been friends since high school and even though it can be months and months in between phone calls, emails, facebook messages we can just pick up like no time has passed. I knew going to this wedding there were going to be several girls there who made my teen years a living hell and lucky me…I got sat at the SAME table as all of them. At least this is the view I got to experience during the reception.

FALLDAY

Facing several of the girls who made my teen years a living hell was much harder than I anticipated it would be. It’s true when people say girls are cruel, mean and vicious. These girls would smile at you to your face as they were doing whatever they could to tear you down behind your back and here I was sitting back in front of them 10 years later and it didn’t seem like anything had changed. With some things hadn’t changed at all – same bitchy girls they always had been. JC was much nicer than I remember and seeing JM was great since she and I had been close in middle school and lost touch over the years.

All in all it was an emotionally exhausting day but I got through it. The days following where exhausting and left me feeling a little bit empty and devoid of anything. I got through this big event but not without feeling like I did when I was 15 years old again. Locking myself in my apartment, not showering, refusing to leave to see people…I became the hermit I used to be but this time I didn’t cut, I didn’t binge, I didn’t lose control. But it took every single ounce of who I was to not lose control that I didn’t have the energy to do a single thing.

I have been experimenting a lot in the kitchen as of late. Trying to make new foods and branch out and try new things. It’s been a great way for me to build my mastery skills and allow myself to find time for mindfulness. I still hate doing the dishes but now the dishes are less of a chore since I treat them as a mindfulness exercise. I haven’t gone too far out of the box but I’ve made some interesting dishes including homemade chunky applesauce, pumpkin bread and margherta pizza 🙂 It gives me a little bit of satisfaction like the way painting does – creating something myself. Cooking really can be therapeutic and I have to thank J for encouraging me to get out there and trying my hand at it all!

MB and I have been working on my self image in our weekly sessions and I wanted to do my part and have my yearly physical. My old PCP had left (I miss her – she really was a GREAT doctor) and met with the new doctor she transitioned me to. PS is a an okay doctor – she reminds me a LOT of Pam from the Office and she really does look like Jenna Fischer. I knew going into the physical that my weight was going to be an issue but something else came up that has left me feeling very overwhelmed. Because I hadn’t seen PS before she asked if there were any new medical conditions in my family and I mentioned the passing of my uncle K and the cardiac issues that we are now discovering throughout my mothers side of the family and so she thought it would be a good idea to get a baseline EKG just to have on file. I agreed. I had been told before that I had bradycardia so I wasn’t too worried about anything that an EKG might bring up and although I was pretty adamant that I don’t want to know if I suffer from what killed my uncle K and what my mother currently has I knew an EKG wouldn’t be able to determine that.

EKGs are funny…15 minutes to get all the things hooked up to you for something that takes like 2 minutes to read your heart. Needless to say I found out that at one point I had “an extra heart beat” and there was some other abnormalities that PS wanted to talk to her superior about. I sat in that office for 30 minutes before she came back. She (and her boss) feel that there is a possibility of ischemia and that I need to have a stress test. She didn’t really go into a lot of the details of what these abnormalities were and I am sure they are nothing but given the current cardiac issues that seem to be popping up in my family I have to admit it scared me. I tried to play it off that it was no big deal but on the inside? on the inside I was (and am) freaking out.

I feel like a complete wuss by freaking out over something that I have no control over. If I have these cardiac issues having the tests or not having the tests isn’t going to change that fact. In the words of J “what is meant to be is to be” and I understand that. I’m having the stress test next Friday because I have that day off. I will wait to find out the results of that before I decide if I want the ultrasound which will tell me if the valves of my aorta are enlarged and if heart surgery is anywhere in my future. These are all SCARY things for me. Facing down the idea of a death that I haven’t planned out myself – every thought of my own demise up until now was at my own hand. This is new territory and I don’t think people can fully understand what that weight feels like. I’ve spent the past year and a half working on WANTING to live and now I feel like I am at a crossroads. One path to get fully tested and if the results mean surgery or something life threatening then I will fight to live and the other path to continue to live without ever fully knowing the truth and possibly dying at any moment without warning.

Why do I feel like there isn’t a right answer here? I can’t talk with my family because whatever choice I make I need to feel supported and my biological family has already made it clear they don’t support my choice NOT to find out. MB and I always go back to the ‘broken coke machine’ analogy when it comes to my mother. I know MM and J will fully support whatever decision I make but I have put them both through so much with my ups and downs these past two years – it feels unfair to put anymore of my shit on their plate but I also know that I can’t do this alone.

Anyone out there have ANY advice?

Day off…

For one of the first times in my life I CHOSE to have some time off from work – a 4 day weekend! I don’t do this often and I am still working hard at not feeling guilty about it but it needed to be done. The pressure I put on myself when I am in the office is starting to become a little overwhelming. We have performance appraisals coming up and I am having a mini panic attack. I work super hard and the quality of my work is spot-on but that has NEVER been where my needs for improvement have come up. My needs for improvement have always been directed at my interpersonal skills (accurately directed…I completely acknowledge that).

Don’t get me wrong…I can TAKE constructive criticism and honestly? without it I am not sure if I would have made the strides I have over this past year. But I am just so wanting to go into my supervisors office and just hear the positive. I have been pushing, struggling, working so hard at trying to use my skills, trying to harness them and apply them to the very best of my ability. In the words of J (that I constantly tell myself  when things seem hard) “try harder.” The appraisals are based on more than just my supervisors observations but the observations of my peers – and considering my past with MO I am not so sure that I am going to have a lot of positive come from whatever she wrote about me. I know that I still need to work on stress management and learning how to hide it on my face. I know I still need to work on keeping my personal life out of work but I am so desperately hoping that the hard work I have been putting in doesn’t go unnoticed by the people I work with.

I can’t lose my job but what if this is the best I can possible do? What if no matter how much I try, no matter how much I work at using my skills it is never enough? My friend D told me I needed to learn how to “play the game” but that just seems so fake to me. Maybe it is my lack of wanting to “play the game” that will keep me from ever being considered as a leader at my job. I love my job and I love the work that we do – I know I won’t walk into my appraisal without SOME constructive feedback on areas of improvement (bring it on..I WANT to hear the constructive feedback) but I also want there to be a lot more positive feedback then I have gotten in the past. I just worry and FEAR that as much progress as I have made over the past 2 years of being there (I will have been there for 2 years in 12 days) won’t be enough.

Even on a day off I can’t stop worrying about work…there must be something really wrong with me.

To get out of my own head I went to the bookstore to get lost in inspiration. Got a few magazines, relaxed, and spent hours away from my computer and away from my email. I wanted to just stop thinking about my job, the stresses of not being enough and wondering how my performance appraisal is going to go. It was a BEAUTIFUL autumn day yesterday. The colors, the smells…it is my FAVORITE season. There is a crisp in the air, the vibrant colors bring to life the surroundings. Sometimes I wish I had the talent to be able to paint it all.

I have the wedding of one of my oldest friends today. I am feeling VERY conflicted because I love and adore my friend H but the group of people who I think are going to be there have only ever liked me when I was drunk because that was when I would come “out of my shell”. When you spend your life as the “funny fat friend” breaking that chain of thought is excruciating – I so desperately just want to get through this.  The expectations of “Drunk K” are going to be high and being surrounded by a lot of the people who made my teen years a LIVING hell is going to be it extraordinarily difficult to maintain a healthy balance. I can’t allow myself to be 16 again…I can’t give in to the pressures my mind is going to be pushing. God, I hope I am strong enough for this.

 

Wish me luck & have an amazing weekend…