Day off…

For one of the first times in my life I CHOSE to have some time off from work – a 4 day weekend! I don’t do this often and I am still working hard at not feeling guilty about it but it needed to be done. The pressure I put on myself when I am in the office is starting to become a little overwhelming. We have performance appraisals coming up and I am having a mini panic attack. I work super hard and the quality of my work is spot-on but that has NEVER been where my needs for improvement have come up. My needs for improvement have always been directed at my interpersonal skills (accurately directed…I completely acknowledge that).

Don’t get me wrong…I can TAKE constructive criticism and honestly? without it I am not sure if I would have made the strides I have over this past year. But I am just so wanting to go into my supervisors office and just hear the positive. I have been pushing, struggling, working so hard at trying to use my skills, trying to harness them and apply them to the very best of my ability. In the words of J (that I constantly tell myself  when things seem hard) “try harder.” The appraisals are based on more than just my supervisors observations but the observations of my peers – and considering my past with MO I am not so sure that I am going to have a lot of positive come from whatever she wrote about me. I know that I still need to work on stress management and learning how to hide it on my face. I know I still need to work on keeping my personal life out of work but I am so desperately hoping that the hard work I have been putting in doesn’t go unnoticed by the people I work with.

I can’t lose my job but what if this is the best I can possible do? What if no matter how much I try, no matter how much I work at using my skills it is never enough? My friend D told me I needed to learn how to “play the game” but that just seems so fake to me. Maybe it is my lack of wanting to “play the game” that will keep me from ever being considered as a leader at my job. I love my job and I love the work that we do – I know I won’t walk into my appraisal without SOME constructive feedback on areas of improvement (bring it on..I WANT to hear the constructive feedback) but I also want there to be a lot more positive feedback then I have gotten in the past. I just worry and FEAR that as much progress as I have made over the past 2 years of being there (I will have been there for 2 years in 12 days) won’t be enough.

Even on a day off I can’t stop worrying about work…there must be something really wrong with me.

To get out of my own head I went to the bookstore to get lost in inspiration. Got a few magazines, relaxed, and spent hours away from my computer and away from my email. I wanted to just stop thinking about my job, the stresses of not being enough and wondering how my performance appraisal is going to go. It was a BEAUTIFUL autumn day yesterday. The colors, the smells…it is my FAVORITE season. There is a crisp in the air, the vibrant colors bring to life the surroundings. Sometimes I wish I had the talent to be able to paint it all.

I have the wedding of one of my oldest friends today. I am feeling VERY conflicted because I love and adore my friend H but the group of people who I think are going to be there have only ever liked me when I was drunk because that was when I would come “out of my shell”. When you spend your life as the “funny fat friend” breaking that chain of thought is excruciating – I so desperately just want to get through this.  The expectations of “Drunk K” are going to be high and being surrounded by a lot of the people who made my teen years a LIVING hell is going to be it extraordinarily difficult to maintain a healthy balance. I can’t allow myself to be 16 again…I can’t give in to the pressures my mind is going to be pushing. God, I hope I am strong enough for this.

 

Wish me luck & have an amazing weekend…

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