rough session…rough day

MB and I had out weekly session today and for some reason it was a rough one. I think the more we dig the more shit we dig up the the harder it is to face. I am working so hard every single day and sometimes it feels like I have made zero progress – it’s so frustrating.

I have spent the past 23+ years angry and hating myself because of what OTHER people put into my head. Now the only problem is that it is now programmed into my head and I can’t seem to turn it off. It plays over and over and the voices are just there constantly feeding into every single ounce of self doubt that I have and no matter how hard I try and combat them I can’t seem to win. I fight and I fight and I fight and I never win.

I told MB today that the never ending cycle of trying to better myself feels like I am a hamster on a wheel. I spin and I spin and I never get anywhere. I’ve done diets upon diets…I’ve done it healthy, I’ve done it not healthy, I’ve done pills and I’ve done gyms and she said “well then what do you think you should do” and I said “get off the fucking wheel.” I was surprised at how quickly I responded to that. I told her I never thought of doing nothing..my life has always felt as though there were limits put on it when it came to my weight and eating. The idea of continuing with cooking, working out on my bike but not putting that pressure on myself to have it “change my life” I dunno…it hit me hard.

MB loves to timeline things out – this is both good and bad for me. Good because I have to face a lot of fucking facts that frankly I wouldn’t be nearly as fucked up as I am right now and bad for the same reasons lol. I can’t blame my mom for it all though – I have to be partially responsible. I could have spoken up sooner, I knew it was wrong to cut, i knew thinking about killing myself was wrong but I never had someone I could reach out to. I have that now and I have people in my life who don’t give a shit about what I weigh, what I look like or what I wear. I have people in my life that just love me for who I am: flaws and all. I can’t even love all the flaws yet and somehow they do. That kind of a gift? that is something that you can’t repay.

Before I leave my sessions MB always asks the same question “can you stay safe until I see you next” and USUALLY I’m pretty quick to say ‘YES’ but today, today she knew I wasn’t myself. I paused for a few seconds and said (not looking at her) “I’m fine” and since MB knows me back from when I was seeing E and doing DBT group she knows “I’m fine” is not really fine. We talked about finding out some health news about my mom and what feelings that brought up for me and the fact that I have my stress test on Friday and she knows how I am struggling with the decision I will eventually be faced with: having an ultrasound to determine my heart valve size or not having it. I thought a LOT of my uncle K today. He was just on my mind. He died so young and I wonder what HE would have done. I miss him so much.

So to avoid all these feelings I came home and ate some dinner – I wasn’t in a real cooking mood so I had just picked up some chicken from the grocery store already cooked. I had an urge to cook a little while ago and so I decided to make little mini apple pies (using a pumpkin pie mold I got from Crate and Barrel) and they actually turned out pretty yummy!!

Before Cooking

IMG_4698

After Cooking

IMG_4699

I think I will have to make these again.

For now I am going to relax and head off to bed. Goodnight all.

cue the full blown anxiety…

I have a date tomorrow night with a guy I met on OKCupid. I am freaking out.

My last experience was my friend C trying to hook me up with the guy she is seeings friend D…She texted D a picture of me and then boom all of a sudden he was always “busy” or “working overtime” when she was trying to plan a double date. Eventually she got it out of him that it was because of how I looked. Talk about a way to KILL your self-esteem. This has been my entire life. Never good enough, never smart enough, never skinny enough, never pretty enough…so this “date” tomorrow. This is HUGE for me.

I have never been much of a ‘dater’ basically for the reasons I outlined above. It’s hard to date when you hate yourself and spend most of the time you are wishing you are dead. The guy, G, seems really nice, outgoing, a lot of fun. We’ve been talking for a few days and he asked if I wanted to go out. The problem is I do and yet the fear is just so incredibly overwhelming. How is it that I am 30 years old and I am scared fucking shitless about a date?! what the fuck is that?

J said she would go with me as a buffer – I think my level of fear and anxiety warrants a buffer but it also makes me feel like a child…like I need a chaperone. I think J understands what a huge leap this is for me and that helps. We are just gonna meet up and have some beers and maybe get some food and I was completely honest with him that I needed to take things super slow. I’m pretty sure announcing on a first “date” that I am fucked in the head, have borderline personality disorder and have spent most of my life wishing I was dead is NOT the right way to go so I am trying to play it cool. The less he knows about my mental state the better. What if he walks in and turns around when he sees me? what if I’m not good enough? these are the fears and thoughts running through my mind. I don’t want to be lonely, I do want to find someone to connect with on an intimate level the problem is my anxiety.  J is convinced this is good for me and I KNOW she is right…but I’m so fucking anxious. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me? I know I deserve to find someone….but my brain just keeps telling me I’m not enough.

On a far better note? who knows anymore, M brought in her high school yearbook to work. I got to see pictures of B when she was in high school. Do you have any idea how extraordinarily amazing it was to see those? To be able to make copies and have a piece of her that I never had before? God, it’s incredible. She was voted ‘Best Looking’ and ‘Best Body’ and was on the prom court and honor society – she looked just as beautiful as I remembered her. I’m crying right now just typing this. She meant so much to me and it was just SO sweet and wonderful of M to bring back her high school year book so I could have pictures of B, pictures I am not sure anyone in my family has seen before. Her smile…that is what I remember most, that is what I miss.

The quote on her senior picture

“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen”

That quote sums her up perfectly and reminds me not only of her but J. I’m still convinced B played a big part in me getting the job I have and bringing me to my work family. The day she died the world lost an incredible soul and heaven gained a beautiful angel. I have to remember that I got several amazing years with someone who I will always consider a second mother – I have to hold onto that and let go of the anger and sadness. I would give anything to see her again but I wouldn’t give back a single minute of the time I got with her.

And now that I am a blubbering mess I am going to go onto tonight’s meditation:

Tap into the creative flow

Life is creative, and so are you. Let the creative energy of the universe come alive for you. Let it help you bring your creativity alive. Let it bring you the answers, the direction, the guidance you need to create. Let it bring you your ingredients.

What are you trying to create? A more loving, open relationship? More spiritual growth? A new job? A book? A new home? A friendship? A play? A dong? A quilt? A meal? A budget? Ask the universe for the help you need. Ask it to help you find your ingredients; ask it to help you form your vision, get clear on your ideas, and produce the best creation you can.

Your answer may come quickly. As we grow and embrace our connection to the universe, as we embrace our connection to ourselves, we find many of our answers appearing almost immediately. If the answer doesn’t come right away, don’t try to force it. The help will come. The idea will come. The next ingredient for your creation will appear. Sometimes the answer will come softly, almost as a whisper. Other times the guidance will be loud and clear. You will see and hear the guidance clearly and easily when you continue to love yourself.

Tap into the creative energy of the universe. It will help you tap into your own. To tap into God and the creative force, just tap into your heart.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I’m crying happy tears right now.  I asked the universe for a real family. And I got one.

J is the loud and clear guidance that I needed, wanted and feared. She pushed me in ways that MAKE me want to be better. She has shown me what the universe has to offer.

Enjoying life, connecting with nature, watching the birds, the butterflies and gardening…she taught me all of those things. At least she taught me how to be OPEN to all those things and by doing that she helped me discover parts of myself that I never knew I had. I am so lucky and blessed to have such incredible and wonderful people in my life and I need to learn to listen to them more when they are trying to teach me about life and lessons in learning to be myself, forgive myself and finding out who *I* am.

I may not always be sure what I am doing or where this path is going to take me but as long as I have my FAMILY by my side I know I am going to be okay. J and the girls have helped me in ways I never thought possible, they helped me tear down the walls I built up and never once judged me. They love and care about ME and there are no strings attached to it – it is just pure and simple love. I never knew that existed. How blessed am I?

Goodnight world.

 

 

a photo to reflect on

It has been a long time since I have posted. I have lots to say and finding less and less time to say it all. I plan on making time to keep this site updated even if it is just a few sentences. I owe it to myself not to quit yet another thing in my life.

My littler sister L got married this past weekend. It was beautiful. It was in a remote location with no cell service and no internet. I have to admit the idea of ‘unplugging’ was hard for me since I constantly check my work email but it was surprisingly nice. I got to sit on a dock (we couldn’t swim because of leeches 😦 oh well) and take in the beautiful and incredible few days.

Here is a picture of that little piece of heaven.

beautiful

Makes you wish you were there huh? I know I’d like to go back there. The sky at night…you could see the stars go on forever. Magical doesn’t even seem like the right word to describe it. I spent most of my younger years looking forward to the day when I no longer lived in the country and had the “city life” and now that I have gotten that part of my life out of my system? the country life is exactly what I need.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I never saw all the beauty that it held before but I know in order to appreciate it the way I do now I needed to take some time away from it. Even still…the twinkle of those stars brought me back to a time in my life when things felt simple, less chaotic. In this place time stood still. This place touched a part of my heart that I had closed off – it has helped me realize a lot of things. Some of those things I will share here and some are too personal to share just yet. But when the time is right I will.

It has been over two weeks since I have seen M for a session…it has been super hard but good for me to find my own footing, deal with the daily ups and downs without the constant need for a professional to help me see the correct way to deal with things. I am sort of proud of myself for doing that, for getting through it all and not losing it. The waves come and go and I need to learn to ride them better but I am slowly but surely getting to a place where I am able to make that happen.

Who knows what tomorrow brings…I hope you guys will still be here to join me on this crazy ride.

I know it’s worth the fight

I have Grace Potter ‘Can’t See Through” lyrics running through my head. Sometimes when lyrics get stuck in my head I hate it – I can’t figure out how or why they are there. I think these lyrics are incredibly appropriate for today and where I am at in my journey:

I’m not quite broken but I’m not quite right
But I keep on going ’cause I think it’s worth the fight

And if you aren’t familiar with Grace Potter you really should be. I have seen her perform live and she is just…ENERGY. Below is the official video for “The Lion, The Beast and The Beat” – watch it, you will be happy you did.

 

So I got my ass handed to me at work today. Do you ever feel like no matter how much you do you feel like you haven’t accomplished a damn thing? That was my entire day basically from the moment I got in until the moment I left. I hate those kinds of days. I felt GOOD about what I had accomplished however I find it hard to actually celebrate those moments because I am worried about when it is all going to blow up in my face, when the other shoe is going to drop.

M is cleared to come back to work full time on Monday – if I’m honest I don’t have a lot of confidence in it but it is out of my hands and out of my control. I need to worry about my work and now that she is back she will have the be responsible for whatever mistakes she makes and I need to let go of the fact that MM, JS and I spent months doing her job and just go about it all like she never hit her head. It is FAR easier said than done.

I actually have plans this weekend and I am looking forward to them. I have such incredible friends and people in my life. How and when did I get to be so lucky? Can you believe a year ago I wanted to kill myself? It’s strange to think about…it’s not that I don’t think about it anymore because I do. I think the difference is that now even though the thoughts are there I know that they don’t control me anymore.

Today’s meditation:

You’re right where you need to be

You’re right where you need to be – on your path, guided, in just the right place for you today.

Many times on my journey I stopped short, convinced I would never find the place I was trying to find, only to discover that it was right in front of me all the time. I had gone there instinctively. Gone right where I needed to go, right where I was heading.

There is a part of us that knows where we need to be and understands where we really want to go. There’s a place in us that has the map, even if our eyes and conscious mind can’t see it, can’t figure it out, or aren’t certain it’s there.

If you’re spinning in circles, feeling lost and confused, trying to figure out where you need to be and not all that certain where you’re going, stop. Breathe deeply. Look around.

You’re right where you need to be. Maybe you’ve been there all along.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

WOW.

Intense stuff but so very very true.

Thinking about my journey a lot lately. Thinking about where I was, where I’ve been and where I am going. The people who have been on my journey (those who are still there and those who have gone) and I feel at peace. It’s not total happiness yet – but it’s a place where I am learning to feel the good as well as the bad. It’s the most I have felt alive in my entire life. It isn’t always simple and easy but there is a lot to be said for the comfort of this kind of stability.

I owe so much to E and the girls. They have been such a driving force in my recovery.

 

 

 

Bracing myself for change

I had a session with M today – as much as I know that she is going to push me, as much as I am going to miss E, I am looking forward to the next chapter in my recovery. I talked a little about my childhood in session today, I really don’t like to talk about my childhood because there is so much I literally can’t remember. Black holes where memories should be. It’s scary to realize that, scary to know that my method for dealing with those black holes was cutting.

Lots of changes are coming…I can feel it like the breeze on a summers day. I want to run from it but I know I can’t, I know better now. I can face these changes, I can handle change now. I think THAT realization alone is a big step for me and I am learning to be okay with that. For so long I couldn’t give myself kudos when I do something good, I couldn’t ever be proud of myself no matter what the accomplishment – I never found ANY good within myself. Now I know better.

Thanks to the people in my life now I know that I am someone who has value and even during the darkest of times they have stuck by me. They have been there to wipe away my tears, hold my hand and help me face the things I fear the most. How lucky am I?

Today’s meditation:

 

You are a perfect balance of yin and yang

I trudged to the top of the mesa in Sedona. A woman I’d met had told me what to look for. There it was: a rock formation, a naturally formed statue. On the left side, the formation looked like a woman, an Egyptian goddess with necklace and breasts. On the right, it had taken the shape of a male. I found it immediately. A statue with two sides, two faces – one male, one female.

For many years, I denied the feminine part of God, of the universe, of myself. I thought my strength and power that to come from other parts, other sides. I resented my femininity, raged about it, because I thought being feminine meant bring helpless and powerless. But I’ve learned something along the way. There is a power in the feminine and power in the masculine. Both parts are in us. Both parts are valuable.

Our strength, courage, protectiveness, and the ability to decide, organize, plan, order, and choose reflect masculine energy. Our creativity, sensitivity, emotions, vulnerability, intuition and instincts for nurturing and caregiving are the wisdom of the feminine side.

Honor and respect the masculine and feminine energy, the yin and yang to yourself, the universe, the people around you. Both parts are important. Both can be trusted. Learn to let them work together in harmony.

Climb to the top of the mountain. Look around. See the perfect balance of masculine and feminine. Let that balance come alive in you.

Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

It’s funny because I read this and all I could think of was J.

J has this aura about her – this ability to just be herself and look so effortless. There is something so impressive about her organic nature and harmonious way of thinking. I sometimes find myself so jealous of her and not in a bad way – just that she lives in a way I always wanted to. She is so at one with nature and the earth – it’s inspiring. She makes me want to be a better person – if you ask me that is a TRUE friendship.

Sometimes I feel like a statue with two sides. I spent most of my life ignoring my feminine side because I spent much time thinking I wasn’t pretty or beautiful. I spent so much time being angry at that, that I overlooked the power that it could have. When you spent your life growing up playing 3 sports, relating more to guys…it’s hard to appreciate that power let alone see it. Since I have met J and the girls at work and started to come out of my shell I am trying to embrace the feminine side, I am trying to harness the power that it holds.

They have shown me a part of myself I thought I never had and I can’t thank them enough for that. Each day I learn, grow and find happiness. They have helped me to learn to live.

like a shooting star

I just got back from an extremely emotional trip.

My uncle K passed away on January 6th. He was this free thinking incredible spirit and he just dropped dead. It was unexpected and shook me to my core. My entire life I have run from death. His death hit me hard. Ever since I was a little kid he encouraged me to paint, think, draw and create. As an artist he created works that were unique, confusing, sexual and controversial. His work was unlike anything I had ever seen before and even though I didn’t get to experience a lot of his work I always found myself in awe when I was in the presence of his pieces. It’s hard to put into words how he touched my life – the last time I saw him was on Christmas as I was leaving my moms because I was sick…I spent so much time wishing I had stayed that day but honestly that wouldn’t have changed anything. I’ll always remember his hugs the most and how he chose to live in such a laid back way. How he believed in people and the good in them.

This past Saturday there was an art show of some of his work at a gallery he spent a lot of time at. People from all walks of life were there to remember him, mourn him, share stories and celebrate him. There was family everywhere (cousins and uncles from all over the US) and as sad it all was that we were getting to see each other under these circumstances it was nice to be able to see my extended family. I didn’t find myself emotional until the following day when we went to scatter his ashes.

We walked 4 miles out to this secluded beach as a family all 17 of us and released him. As I stood watching his ashes fall into the waves I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and I let the flood gates go. Everyone was crying so I don’t know why it was so hard for me but it was. I hugged my cousin D and we smiled as the sun beat down. We knew he was watching. I let the tears fall as needed: like watching my grandfather hug my uncles girlfriend, how my uncles hugged each other, as my cousins shared stories of him. It was a beautiful scene on a beautiful day and damn if K wouldn’t have just loved it. We all slowly made our way back the 4 miles to the cars and talked, listened, picked up shells and I found 4 hearts in nature. I chatted with my cousins about life, stories about uncle K and about where we are all at in our lives. We tried to make the most of the fact that we were all together.

Image701

(c) 2013 BorderlineMusings (sorry for the quality it was on my crappy camera phone)

We got home, feasted on Oysters and then went out to dinner in his honor. It was a day full of life, love and sadness. I like to think K was watching over us and smiling.

Monday I faced a huge fear. Monday I went to visit B’s grave.

It took me almost 19 years to get to this place. My mom never told me where B was buried, she never would let me go to her grave by myself but I found out where she was buried and so I made it my mission while I was on this vacation that I would visit her. I was scared shitless. I was afraid I would chicken out, that I wouldn’t get out of the car or I wouldn’t be able to find the exact location in the cemetery of her grave. I faced all those fears by myself.

I pulled into the small cemetery and immediately freaked out because I could not for the life of me remember where her grave was. I had these memories in my mind from when we were kids and we’d go visit her even though I wasn’t allowed out of the car. I drove my car around for 5 minutes and then I parked it. I sat in the car for 10 minutes. I told myself I needed to find her, I told myself that I deserved this and that B deserved this. I got out of the car and walked around. I could vividly remember her being close to the road and that there was a tree or shrub of some kind. I walked around for about 15 minutes (it felt like HOURS) and FINALLY I found her.

Seeing her grave for the first time in person that I can remember? I can’t even describe the emotions. I took a few deep breaths and sat down beside her. I cleaned off her grave and sat in silence as the teared flowed. I couldn’t have stopped the tears even if I wanted too but honestly? I didn’t want them to stop. I left her the white heart in nature I found (the 2nd largest one) at her grave, talked to her, shared stories with her. I relived memories and I thanked her for being in my life. I always used to be SO angry that I only knew her for such a short time that I wished I hadn’t known her at all but that was just the hurt talking. I fully and 100% know that I wouldn’t trade in those years for anything in the world and she forever changed me. She gave me a wonderful gift and gift was knowing her.

After I left B (nobody in my family knew that was where I went) I decided to go to a local store and process all my emotions. As I was finally driving back to where we were staying I saw this incredibly cool store on the side of the road called ‘Buddha’s Beads’ and I just HAD to pull in. I was able to get a pair of hand-painted earrings with lotus’s on them and 2 sets of prayer flags for my fire escape back home. I think it was the perfect way to spend my afternoon. Afterwards I went out to see an old high school friend who was now living where we were visiting. She is getting married in October so we got to hang out, drink a bottle of wine, talk about life, love, her wedding and everything in between. I experienced (what felt like) a hundred different emotions that day but at the end of the day when I reflected back…it was such an incredible day. It was sunny, beautiful, and I got to finally get some closure with B. I am sure E and I will be talking a TON about this soon lol but next week is our last session (potentially) before she leaves for her own new adventure.

I didn’t get much time to myself on this “vacation” but I was able to talk with J a little via email and even though I didn’t need her validation that I did the right thing about seeing B, about mourning uncle K – to KNOW someone was proud of me? that meant a lot to me. I never would have gotten to a place where I could have done ANY of that if it hadn’t been for J constantly pushing me, being there for me and encouraging me. She has truly been a rock for me and a sister through and through. I did this on my own, I got out of the car, I faced a HUGE fear but if I didn’t have the people back home in my life I don’t know if I could have done it. I love my friends, I love my co-workers and I know now more than ever that I belong here. That feels…good. Going to see B was scary, intense, overwhelming, emotional but so so SO worth it. I got to close up a little of that wound and now that I know where she is buried? I plan on going back to see her when I can.

June 19th

Your heart will guide you through

If you feel confused, alone, unsure of what to do next, go back to a place you can trust – your heart. In matters of work, money, love, play, go back to your heart.

The issues that arise in your life can be dealt with from the heart. You will be guided through gently, safely, with love and truth, along the path that’s best for you. Are you feeling upset? Do you wonder why things aren’t working out? Are you unsure of the map, uncertain of the next step, wondering how to untangle the mess of the past?

The answer isn’t in your head, it’s in your heart. It’s not outside of you, although sometimes we receive guidance from others. The answer you’re seeking, the guidance you’re looking for needs to feel right to you. It needs to resonate with your heart. Your heart is the center, the balance point for your emotions, your intellect, and your soul. Your heart is safe.

Go back to your heart. It will always lead you home.

Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

 

In so many ways this touches me today. I have people in my life who are there to remind me that I need to trust my heart, that I have a heart worth trusting even when I don’t think I do. These people help me, encourage me, guide me but also let me fly with my own two wings…that kind of friendship is PRICELESS and I am so blessed and honored to have them in my life.

I don’t always say the right things, I don’t always use my skills, I sometimes let the borderline have control but what I am slowly learning (in HUGE part thanks to J) is that I HAVE choice. I can let myself be bogged down by my disorder, I can let myself ruin relationships and friendships with the walls I put up or I can choose to be happy, I can choose to live.

That lesson is extraordinarily difficult…but worth it in more ways than one.

 

 

 

reality check

Loving yourself will make it better

Are you feeling powerless? Have circumstances taken a turn you don’t like? Do you feel there’s nothing you can do to make today better? One power that’s always available to you is the power to love yourself.

Sometimes we feel powerless. We have circumstances in our lives we simply cannot change, no matter what we do to create something different, to move the situation along. We can’t get another person to behave differently. We can’t seem to change something at work. We can’t do much about our money situation, at least not in the moment. Nothing in life seems to be going our way. It’s not that we’re doing anything wrong. We aren’t off our path or neglecting a particular lesson. The energy of that particular time in our lives in frustrating. There is no action we can take to change our circumstances. All we can do is surrender to the circumstances, accept what’s happening, and stay in the moment.

During those times, there is one action we can take that will help. We can love ourselves. When we can’t do anything about the world around us, when we can’t even seem to do much about ourselves, we can always, always love ourselves. When all our powers seem stripped away, we can practice the power of self-love. It’s one power no one can take away.

Self-love will always make things better. And perhaps when a difficult time is past, you’ll look back and say, That’s what I was really learning all along – the ever present, healing power of learning to love myself.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

To be honest I am not sure I could have read this one before today and not scoffed at it.

I am feeling like I am in a place of balance right now, in a place of somewhat acceptance: the acceptance of the path, journey, diagnosis, and of it all.

I feel okay with where I am – I smile now sometimes without realizing it. I catch myself and I don’t know where it came from our why and think to myself maybe THIS right here and now is happiness.

I’m sitting here on the couch and reflecting – I realize what a STRONG factor J has been in me getting to this place both- that both she and E being there, helping guide me, helping me up after I fall.

I am grateful to them in SO many ways…for coming into my life, for pushing me into therapy, for getting me the help that I needed and for doing what you thought was best when I couldn’t find the courage to do it myself.

She has been an anchor for me this past year and a half, the lighthouse to guide me during the darkest of times, the family that needed and never ever thought I deserved.

I can’t begin to thank her for helping me get to a place where I can learn to self-love. For helping me up so I could get to this place…I could NEVER have done it without you.

She helped me think I was worth it and helped me see that I matter….do you have any idea how incredible that is? How lucky I feel?

A year and a half ago I couldn’t have said any of this, believed any of this and even on the days where I am crashing in the wave…I know it to be true.

I know that *I* did all the work – I know that only *I* can practice the power of self love but I also know that if  J didn’t help me to believe that I was worth it I never would have gotten here…E has done a TON in regards to my mental health, my skills practice, ways to let the emotions come and go…but she cared about me even before I was in therapy. She saw something in me the day she met me and has ALWAYS been there right beside me to help me see it.

I am crying happy tears right now…happy tears thinking about how much my friendship with J has changed me, how much it has lifted me up. How much MM, JS and M mean to me and how important they are in my life.

These tears are for how proud for how honored that they are in my life, how much it means to me that they care about me.

I would NOT be here on this earth if J hadn’t called me in for an interview…I know this for a fact. I hadn’t planned on living to see 2012…I felt worthless, alone, unlovable…getting this job was the greatest thing to EVER happen to me.  I was MEANT to get this job, to come into their lives…I thank my angel in heaven B for it.

I am now able to know I have value and purpose and WORTH in life…that is a feeling I can not begin to even put into words. I cry happy tears for myself, for J, for MM, JS and M…I am truly blessed.

 

how is it almost Monday already??

Seriously – where in the world does the time go??

So today I hunkered down and cleaned a SHIT ton today. I went out with MM only to go to the store to get new sponges, cleaning supplies and a few other things. She sweetly lent me her swiffer wetjet since I don’t own a mop! Have I mentioned I have some of the most amazing people in my life?? 🙂

I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom, changed the cat litter, I cleaned my art nook, brought 3 bags of trash downstairs, started cleaning my spare room (which I turned into a walk-in closet) and did 3 loads of dishes!! I was super freakin’ productive….as gross as my place looked it felt GOOD to get this place cleaned up…J was right.

Since I spent most of Saturday hanging out with friends and having a good time – I forced myself to stay in today and get this shit done. The kitchen is clearly the room that needs the most attention and I have worked on it a little bit but I need to pace myself with that room. I need to pick up some magic erasers for the stove top but I think in the next few days that room is gonna be so sparkly and I can’t wait.

I am proud that I finally got into a head space where I feel like I can handle all this. It’s hard to describe when I get stressed or in a downward spiral why I don’t clean. Most people view it as me being a slob or lazy and that isn’t the case – when I am down cleaning is the last thing on my mind because I am constantly trying to keep my mind in a place where I don’t self destruct. Yes I am a messy person but in the times of stress and depression staying afloat is what I need to focus on and usually that means cleaning and eating usually are the least of my worries. I am hoping that with setting myself up with a schedule that even when I hit the downward spirals or work becomes overly stressful that I will still DO what needs to be done. I am a work in progress and I need to be okay with whatever small steps I take.

Tonight’s meditation (and I will admit one I struggle with lol):

Relax

Too often out of sheer habit we tighten up, tense up, and then approach life from that stance. When we have something to do, our automatic response may be to tense up – shoulders and neck strained, back bent and cramped, breathing shallow. But anything that needs to be done can be done better if we’re relaxed.

Learn to relax. Program your body, each part of it, to let go and be at ease. Allow yourself to come into your natural posture and alignment. Learn to relax until moving, acting, speaking, being all come naturally from the relaxed place.

Find activities that will help you do this. A hot bath. A steam bath. A massage. Sunning. Walking. Meditating. Teach yourself to become aware of how your body feels during these activities. Memorize that feeling. Practice relaxing until you can recall that memory and carry it throughout the day.

Periodically throughout the day, take a few moments to check your tension level. If you find any part of your body tense, take a few more moments to consciously relax that part. Visualize warmth and ease flooding any part of your body that has become tight or is in pain. Let the tension, the stress, the blocks drain out from top to bottom. Your body wants to relax. It wants to be comfortable. It wants to heal itself.

Empty your mind of tense thoughts, and let it follow your body into relaxation and calm. Allow your mind to become still. Quietly accept each thought, then release it. Breathe in comforting, healing energy. Breathe it into your mind, into each cell of your body. Breathe out stress, strain, discomfort, and fear. Don’t resist what you are feeling or thinking. Acecpt it, then release it. Just as water cannot pass naturally through a pinched hose, your vital life force cannot flow freely through you if you are cramped and tense.

Honor the life force that is in you, that flows through you. Honor it by relaxing, opening to it, and inviting it to surge through your body.

The techniques of relaxation will refresh, restore, and recharge you, so that you can do all you need to do with more power and vigor than before. Anything that needs to be done can be done better if you’re relaxed.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

Relaxing is something that I struggle with on a daily basis and now that M is out for who knows how long I seem to be struggling even more. I got pretty good for awhile being able to shut work off when I got home but lately I think “did I do that”, “shit did I send that email”, “FUCK I forgot to do that” and then I downward spiral into what a shitty job I am doing, that people shouldn’t trust me and that basically I am a waste of space.

I know those aren’t healthy thoughts, I know I do a GREAT job (even more since I have gotten the help that I need) and people respect me and the work I do – so I need to be able find ways to be able to relax, to be able to accept what is going on and then letting it go. This is a piece of DBT that I struggled a lot with: sitting with my feelings and accepting them and then letting them go. I spent my entire life RUNNING from my feelings, running from the emotions and closing myself off to things. Now here I am expected to acknowledge these feelings and emotions and then SIT with them? fuck no…I don’t want to feel them, I don’t want to acknowledge them…I just want them gone but since DBT I actually feel that as hard as it is, this has been one of the most rewarding. I have been able to let things go that I would have held on to for months, I have learned a lot about myself and I think it has been incredibly good for me to be able to find ways to do this.

Relaxation during times of work stress feels SO selfish – like the last thing I need to be doing is relaxing when there is so much shit that has to be done – but I have noticed when I take a few minutes, watch my breath and center myself a little bit I am way more effective and able to handle the surprises that usually pop up. I have to tell myself that relaxation isn’t selfish but that it is IMPORTANT to help me continue to be effective at my job, to help keep my sanity during the crazy times and teach me something that I can learn down the road. As much as I hated not only my first group but this second one as well I know that the skills work and that being borderline doesn’t define me but it IS a part of who I am – I can’t change that, I can’t go back…I need to learn from it, accept it and believe that who I am matters…borderline or not.

Feeling blessed

So this post is a day late but I was so tired when I got home that I didn’t have the time to post it. Can I just tell you how blessed and honored I feel? I have so many amazing people in my life…people who are there for me through thick and thin, people who love and support me.

One of my co-workers is getting ready to have a baby – well his wife is anyways – so a bunch of us took up a collection at work and then went over to S’s house to tie-dye onesies and drink beer and have pizza. It was so awesome and fun. Afterwards J and I went to a couple of local shops for shopping – neither of us bought anything lol – but she did show me this INCREDIBLE store where I can get prayer flags so I can’t wait to spend a LOT of money in there LOL.

After the shopping we went back to her place and just talked, created art, painted and it was just so…peaceful. I am so proud of J for so many reasons and I am so freakin’ lucky to have someone like her in my life. Someone who gets me, who understands the “crazy” who doesn’t judge me and loves me regardless. She is the older sister I always wanted/needed…she has shown me the REAL meaning of family.

Last nights meditation:

Give freely of what you’ve been given

Learning to not overcare, overgive, and overdo are the lessons of the past. We have learned them, learned them well. There was a time when we needed to monitor our giving because we were giving compulsively, almost addictively, with no thought to what felt right in our heart, with no understanding of loving ourselves. But that was yesterday.

This is now. We can trust ourselves to know when it’s time to stop or when our giving has become destructive. We can trust ourselves to know when it’s not our job to give, because now we are connected to ourselves, listening to ourselves, on track.

Give freely of your time, your heart, your joy, your wisdom. Share your experiences, your strength, your hope. Share your weaknesses as well as your strengths. Share your money, your gifts, your laughter. Share your hope. Share yourself.

Give freely of what you’ve been given, and the universe will provide you with exactly what you need. Give freely and the universe will give freely to you.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ 

This one was SO appropriate after last night. J and I had been talking about where I had been 2 years ago and where I am now – how I have opened up and given myself to others and brought the walls down. I am still learning, still growing and still changing for the better and I know that life is always changing.  I have learned how to ride the waves better, I have learned that I can open up and trust people and even though E is leaving to go elsewhere she is not abandoning me. E is going to help many many people who are in the same situation I am and I have had her in my life for the time that I needed her – letting go will be SO hard but I will be able to handle it.

I am making a list of things to do and adding them to my calendar so I can keep up on my cleaning. I spent so much of my childhood with a mother who would watch you as you cleaned to make sure you did it right that sometimes I feel like rebellion that I don’t want to clean, or when I am falling down the rabbit hole and I have no motivation to even eat let alone clean. But now that I am in the right frame of mind I am going to make sure that I add stuff to my calendar (if it is not there I will forget lol) to ensure that I can keep up on it. J gave me some honest and heartfelt words of advice, wisdom and critique and she is 100% right…and again she does it in this way without making me feel worse than I already do, without any judgments and just having it come from the heart.

Blessed to have the people in my life, to finally have my lens clear enough to know that people care about me and be able to say that I am worth caring about. I have not only allowed myself to give freely of others (I was always giving so much of myself) but now I am able to accept what the universe gives back to me. What an incredible feeling….and I never would have gotten to this point right now without the love of my work family (my real family if you ask me) J, MM, JS and M. They encourage me every single day, they are there for me, they push me and challenge me…I am a better person because of them.