The end isn’t always the end…

Tomorrow is the big day – my LAST official session with E.

I, for the first time in my life, completed a task that was super important to me for someone else. I finished E’s painting, matted and framed it. I PRAY she likes it.

Effiefinal1

It’s hard to see in the picture but the color of the mat is a deep purple color – it helps bring out the purple in the sky and the colors in the shading on the petals.

I’m happy with how it looks. I’ve never really been happy with anything I’ve done…at least not happy enough to frame and give to someone as important to me as E. Don’t get me wrong I’ve given J tons of my stuff but I’ve never done something specifically for someone else…it’s extraordinarily personal.

Anyways…I will let you know what she says after my session with her…my last session 😦 The daily meditation for yesterday July 13th

See the snow on the Desert

I drove through Arizona’s petrified forest, a land where dinosaurs once roamed, then headed across the painted desert. A light dusting of snow covered the sane and shrubs. I felt both awe and surprise at the scene nature had created.

Nature does many things. Tornadoes blow across the land. Hurricanes pound the shores. Bolts of lightning streak through the sky. Dust storms fill the air. Nature petrifies wood, turning tress into beautiful crystal rocks, glowing with brilliant red and orange fossilized patterns. Nature takes centuries to carve bridges out of stone, using only wings and rains and the flow of water from other rocks. And sometimes, she puts snow on the forest.

Many things happen in our lives. Some of them are probable, consequential. Some of them are fluke and seem to come out of the blue, from nowhere. All the events work into a pattern, helping to create us, create our path through life, create our destiny. Sometimes we’re influenced greatly by a traumatic storm. Other times seemingly chance occurrences can change the entire pattern and course of our lives.

We don’t have to understand everything. Maybe we aren’t supposed to. We don’t have to be prepared for all the storms. Sometimes the greatest learning occurs when we’re caught off guard, by surprise.

Weather the storms. Let them pass. Keep your balance, as best you are able. Remember to be flexible and sway with the winds like the tall tress in the forest. Trust the flukes, too, those moments when it snows on the desert. Let destiny have its way with you.

Well if this isn’t EXACTLY what I needed to read.

E was my snow on the desert.

It wasn’t going to be there forever but the time it was there was wonderful.

She taught me to look outside the box, she taught me how to react and communicate with people better.

Her time in my life was for a reason.

She was here to teach me something just as my friendship with J, MM and JS have taught me.

I don’t know what the future holds but I whatever it is I will get through it: the good, the bad and the ugly.

I know I will get through it because of the friendships I have now and because I have the skills E taught me (and that will stay with me).

Tomorrow is going to be extremely difficult emotionally but I will get through it.

new piece of artwork

So I have been gearing up for my last session with E (which is July 15th) and we talk so much about my creative endeavors that I wanted to create something for her.

In true “me” fashion I must have come up with a million ideas but they always seemed to fall short and then I got this simple idea. It isn’t done…I hope to have it done by Saturday so I can get a frame for it 🙂

I have never used watercolor pencils before…and I am enjoying what I have been able to create with them.

 

effiepainting

 

I would love some feedback 🙂 It’s hard to tell the detail on it from my camera phone. I will take a better picture with a “real” camera when I can.

Thanks!

feeling at peace…

2 posts in one day?? woohoo look at me go 🙂

I actually had an incredibly relaxing day. I missed the chance to go hang out with J, her sister A who happens to be in town and some friends but it was all good. I was hanging out with MM and doing errands. I love my friends and the people in my life.

I have done painting and relaxing all day. It has been quite amazing. I think if I went back to my DBT skills it would be considered “self soothe” lol but whatever it is, it is exactly what I have needed after the week from hell. I am working hard at listening to my body – am I hungry? do I need to stop fussing with my painting? I curled up in this amazingly comfy chair J gave me when I moved into my apartment and watched the sunset out my window. Ruby is curled up on my legs and I feel at peace for the first time in a long time.

I have been watching Six Feet Under and been totally and 100% in love with it. I love the characters and I love how easy and naturally it is to relate to the characters. Brenda is a borderline – it was a shock for me when I first got into the show but it was nice to see a “borderline” being portrayed in a TV show. She is a little more adventurous then I am but I see it and I get it.

phase 2 of my art:

phase2

Tonight’s meditation:

Be present for Yourself

Learn to be present for yourself, fully present in a way that’s new and delightful. Be present for your thoughts and emotions. Be present for the gentle way in which your heart and body lead you on. Learn to be fully present for each step of your growth, each step of your journey.

Value yourself, who you are, what you think and feel, and how you grow. For many years you neglected yourself. It was as though you were unconscious of who you were, how you felt, what you believed. You believed that kept you safe, protected you from feelings you didn’t want to feel. You believed it was how you should live. Now you are learning another way. Survival is no longer enough. It does not meet the needs of your heart and your soul. Now you want to live fully and joyfully. To do that, you must be present for yourself.

Be fully present for others, too. Be present for their spirits, their emotions, the words they have to say to you, but especially be present for their hearts. You no longer have to fear losing or neglecting yourself if you are present for others. You can do this safely now. You will not be consumed by their needs; you will not become trapped in the workings of their lives. And if you’re present for yourself, you’ll know how much presence to give to others.

Be present for life – for the starlit skies and the chirping birds that sing to the morning sun. Be present for the earth and grass under your feet, for the feel of a snowflake in your hand. Be present for all the magic and mysteries of the universe.

But most of all, be present for yourself. Then your presence for others and life will naturally follow.

Taken from ‘Journey to Heart’ by Melody Beattie

Wow did I enjoy this one.

I have been fully present with myself all day – aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my creative energy. Taking the time to relax when needed, taking the time to paint when I feel it. It’s odd for me I guess to listen to myself and be SO aware, SO in tune. Watching the my tv, curled up with my” pre-sleep” pillow and feeling whatever comes: happiness, sadness, anger, frustration. I am learning to let them go. I’m onto season 5 of Six Feet Under and watching George destruct after the ECTs is hard, sometimes I feel like him – the outburst, the “baby moments”, the uncontrollable feelings that life sucks. What’s so great about this show is how relatable the characters are – at times I see myself in Brenda or Claire or even Ruth and Sarah – it’s real and honest and gritty and it’s nice to know you aren’t alone. I think this meditation says it best – that in order to be present for others you also need to be present for yourself. I’m not saying it is an easy task – I mean that would be a flat out lie – but I’ve noticed it has gotten easier for me these days.

It’s an odd experience for me to be sitting down, fully in the moment and smile because I feel so at peace. These are the moments I need to savor and remember.

 

newest piece I am working on…

So this is the start of a new piece I am working on. Nothing more relaxing then art on a Saturday morning.

 

phase1

Eventually I will get the rest painted – I am enjoying the more muted colors, the more natural. The canvas has been painted a “vintage” white color and I think I will add some muted yellows and maybe reds to help bring the piece to life.

I have been feeling at one with nature these days and I think this piece is going to reflect that.

Thoughts?

exhaustion is my new state of mind

I am still rocking the same migraine I was yesterday….pounding behind my eyes with no relief in sight. When it gets like this at work I have the hardest time being able to manage it because of the florescent lights and constant stress. I have to turn out the lights, I have to put ice on my head…I look like a total freak. I hate the judgments I put on myself when I get like this, it is almost as if I can’t use the skills I have because I am so exhausted, so sore and so overwhelmed.

I had my session with E today, she was worried about all the drinking that I did this past weekend. In the past I have used alcohol as an escape from my depression, used it to curb my social anxiety and all around just used it to numb myself but that hasn’t been the case for a long time. I actually had fun this past weekend, I actually felt like people WANTED to hang out with me but I understood where E was coming from – I may not use it to numb myself but I still need to be careful that I don’t use it as a crutch to get through my social anxiety.

With M still being off – it has been so fuckin’ crazy at work. 3 of us doing the work of 4 (maybe even 5) and we are all starting to lose it a little with stress. JS (I work with a couple J’s and a couple M’s lol) was having a mini breakdown in her office over stress, MM is trying to keep it together and I was falling apart in my office. We are hitting our max and E asked how long I could sustain this and I said a week at the most…It’s just so much. I hadn’t eaten since 6 pm last night! I got up, went to work, had some diet pepsi and that was it. No food. Clocked out for lunch but totally worked through it to feel like I was accomplishing something. I came home, ate some ramen noodles and then have been crying for most of the night in hopes to release my migraine. I finally talked with J a little bit via email…I feel bad I just wish there was more I could do to help.

ugh enough about me…onto tonight’s nightly meditation.

Value your connection to creativity

Creativity is a force – a living, real force. It’s the power of love, the power of life, a gift of the Divine. You’re connected to that force.

Open up your creative powers – in work, in play, in love. Make creations that are beautiful to look at. Make creations you like to see, creations that are pleasing to you. Creativity comes in many forms – cooking, decorating, speaking, drawing, writing, or building a castle in the sand at the beach. How you choose to create is up to you.

“I used to love taking pictures when I was a child,” one man said. “The one day, in a rage, my father smashed my camera to the floor. He told me taking pictures was nonsense. It was twenty years before I let myself take a picture again. Now, I can’t stop.”

Who told you you weren’t creative? Stand tall, speak up, and tell them they’re wrong. Own your creative powers. Allow your creativity to heal and flourish.

Value your connection to creativity. Value the way you choose to express your creative power. It’s your expression of love.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I actually really like this meditation. I feel like with art I have found a creative release. I find myself doodling, thinking about new paintings, what I can create….shit…I was supposed to make a coaster for my sister to see if she wants to give them out as favors at her pre wedding celebration (she doesn’t want a “wedding shower” ) and I am seeing her tomorrow…FUCK. Now I can’t go to bed. Okay….letting it go….This will be a chance to work out come creative energy, to try something new.

well I am off to make the coaster…maybe I will share a pic of them later 🙂

EDITED TO SHOW PIC:

coasters

They are SUPER simple to make. Now to find out if my sister wants to make like 80 of them as favors LOL. I am sure the design will be different – this was just a sample to see if she would like it and if I could make them 🙂

a weekend of fun

It’s so funny that less then a week ago I was in the middle of a meltdown of epic proportions. These borderline mood swings are exhausting to say the least. In time I think the riding of the waves will get easier and this break in mood came quicker then the last time so maybe that is progress.

I woke up this morning with full intention of working out lol but decided I didn’t feel like it 🙂 I will be up at 5:30 in the morning to get back on the bike before work. Last night I became so overcome with my painting when I woke up I wanted to continue to work on it. I honestly am loving the way it turned out. I have decided to entitle it “Down the Rabbit Hole”.

Down The Rabbit Hole

I wish the details showed up more. It’s mixed media: Acrylic and pastels and it has a lot of depth…the light in the middle is a lot more detailed too. It’s not like a lot of my other stuff and I look forward to hearing what people like (or don’t like) about it. I’ll probably bring it into work and ask my co-workers what they think of it. J has such a great eye when it comes to art and I always look forward to her critiques 🙂

This is the progress I have made on the piece I have posted before. The shooting stars represent two people in my life who passed suddenly and meant so much to me.

Night Sky

Alright I have to go and get my laundry from the laundromat so I will get down to tonight’s meditation and my reflections on it 🙂
I really hope you are all enjoying them, it’s been nice to share them with the world I guess 🙂

Take the Pressure Off

Sometimes we need a little pressure to get moving, but sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves. I must do this, we think, and I must do it better and faster. We begin to believe that only by worry and fear and pressuring ourselves can we get the job done – whether the job is spiritual growth, making a particular decision, or accomplishing a task.

That kind of pressure doesn’t get the job done any better or faster. It simply makes you tense and fearful, and stops the creative juices. Too much pressure can take you out of the present moment. It can inhibit the life force, the flow of life within you. That kind of pressure can make so much noise in your mind that you can’t hear your heart.

We have responsibilities. We have time frames and commitments to others. And there are times when we need to get the job done. But the most pressing job can be done best when we’re relaxed. The most urgent decision can be made most clearly when we’re at peace. It doesn’t help to force ourselves to go faster, be somewhere else, or be someone we’re not. There are few things we need to do that can be enhanced by becoming tense, fearful, and worried. The more pressing the situation, the more pressing the need to be present for ourselves, and be present for each moment.

Let off some stream. Release your emotions. Clear the pathway to the heart. The answer will come. The job will get done.

Give yourself some relief. Take the pressure off.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

Truth. Truth. And More truth.

I am learning how to accept this and try and apply it. I am working hard at trying to take more time for me, to try and stop myself from trying to do everything right all the time. In life and therapy I am learning about releasing my emotions and not let myself get all caught up in the pressure. I went outside my comfort zone today – I went out by myself, I took in the owls and the hawks and felt the cool crisp air and walked on the nature trails alone. I looked for hearts in nature. I painted all weekend. I rekindled something with that newest piece. I don’t know what and I don’t fully know what it represents BUT I do know that I actually like it.

I want to apply this to work more – I have been working SO hard and I think it is really paying off. I want to be able to NOT want to be the best at everything, to have everything be right all the time heck EVERY time. I need to cut myself some slack and know that I am doing everything I can and that my best is good enough. I have a hard time grasping the concept that my best is good enough but I am trying like hell to get to a point where I fully believe it.

look at me being social…

Last night was so much fun and it just continued into today.

My friend N and I went out for breakfast – much needed after a night of lots of scotch LOL. N and I chit chatted about all different things, we ate delicious pancakes and hung out. After that I showered and just vegged on the couch until lunch. Some friends from last night (S, D, M and J) were going to a local burger place and asked if I wanted to go. N came to pick me up (late and after she got lost LOL she had just been to my place 3 hours earlier mind you lol) and away we went. It was nice to have people invite me out, the reality that people WANT to spend time with me is one I still have a hard time coming to terms with but more on that later.

You know I usually tense up in social situations, I usually use alcohol to make myself seem funnier or more attractive to people. I was able to just hang out with people and be myself (the version of myself I know right now anyways) and laugh and have a good time. Somewhere between last night and this morning my mood broke. I really laughed, I had a lot of fun with some AMAZING people and it was so wonderful to feel wanted and loved.

Beers, burgers, eggplant fries, friends and laughter, could you ask for a better afternoon??  The answer is no.

 

Who or What is Pulling on You?

Learn to become sensitive to the quiet as well as the clamorous pulls on your energy, your time, your emotions. You are becoming connected – to yourself, the universe, God others – in a way you have never been before. To deny these pulls is to deny the connections.

A quiet tug on our consciousness may be telling us what we need to do. We think about an old friend and contemplate calling her, but we don’t. Don’t be silly, we tell ourselves. Why would I do that now? But maybe that friend is calling out to us. Or we have a problem we haven’t known how to solve. That situation begins working on us, bothering us, interrupting our day. Maybe our instincts are telling us it’s now time to do something about it.

We are living differently now, more magically, more at east, more at one with our actions. One way we know it is time to do something not on the calendar or the clock is to pay attention to the quiet pulls on our energy. Being conscious of these impulses, then trusting ourselves to naturally know what to do and when to do it puts us in harmony with the universe and our soul.

Who or what is pulling on you? What do you think you should do? Now, take it to the next step, the next level. What does your heart lead you to do?

taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

This meditation really gave me pause to think. I am aware of all of these feelings, sensations, and energies lately that I have never been aware of before. It’s almost like this of awakening of something – I don’t know. I feel so different then I did a year ago – hanging out with people, socializing, drinking because I like it not because I want people to like me, feeling accepted. It’s like this whole new arena in my life and as much as I love it (which believe me I DO love it), it is also scary as hell. In one breathe I can’t believe people think I am worth hanging out with and in the next I worry about what I am going to do to completely screw it all up. I don’t know if it’s the therapy or the skills or what has caused this clarity for me today (maybe it’s the eggplant fries or the beer or just the great time I had with everyone today) but it’s nice to feel…wanted? Sometimes when I think about it I feel stupid, that someone who is 30 should be able to feel these things, understand them and accept them and yet for me it is this huge struggle.

I came home and relaxed and did a whole lot of nothing but then a few hours ago I become incredibly inspired to paint. I do decoupage, charcoal and paint but it has been awhile since I have painted (the last time I painted was the piece I posted back in January) but something inside me told me to paint. I will post a picture of it tomorrow but even though the colors are dark…the piece itself gives me hope. It’s kind of interesting lol.

Well off to bed…I ate and drank a shit ton today so my ass needs to get back on the bike in the morning and burn some calories 🙂

 

artistic expression

ART3

(2013 – BorderlineMusings)

So this is the piece that I have been working on for the past few days. Be gentle lol but I would love any and all feedback/criticism on what might make it better 🙂 I’ve got SOOOOO much left to do with it but I actually think it has real potential to be awesome. You can’t really see all the tiny tiny details I have spent hours doing but believe me it is there 🙂

I have had a pretty good couple of days – I had group yesterday and there were only 3 of us so again I couldn’t shy away from sharing but this time I didn’t mind it as much and it was okay. I have to admit doing this other group is a great chance to keep practicing the skills and have an outlet to bounce thoughts and ideas off of other people who are similar to myself. Plus it is always nice to see how someone else handles things and see if there is a way to apply what they have done to my own situations (or things to avoid in my own situations). We talked about how I used ‘non judgmental stance’ in the past week and I really had a chance to use it this weekend as I contemplated the possible change with my job and how it was so nice to look at the facts and not let my emotions get in the way – that by being able to do this I was actually able to find the positive in the situation which I never ever would have found 6 months ago.

I think this is the longest time I have gone without falling down the rabbit hole – I tend to have a week or so of “good” days and then I crash and when I crash…I crash HARD. I feel clear, awake and dare I say…alive? Very rare for me and things at work are going okay. My boss checked in with 2 of my co-workers and they said that it was like a 360 – that I am doing amazing (inter-personally) and that they are thrilled that I am finding my balance. It was nice to hear such positive feedback so soon and it also shows me the amount of work that goes into constantly checking myself (and how fucking exhausting it is) is paying off and working. THAT is what makes me happy – that the work I am doing on myself is actually showing some slight results. Now don’t get me wrong I know this won’t be how it ALWAYS is but a part of my journey is instead of worrying about when the crash will be I want to enjoy the good while I can. This is far, far harder than I thought it was going to be when I made the commitment to myself but this outlook I think is helping in my mood (well that and the prozac I am actually remembering to take).

I will also say I have become addicted to Homeland and Breaking Bad (as if I needed another TV show to get into) but Homeland actually shows a character that suffers from a mental illness (bi-polar disorder I believe) and although I haven’t seen enough episodes to know if it is being done in a positive light vs a negative light but I think having mental illness being portrayed is a great step forward and I hope that more and more shows choose to bring mental illness to the forefront and instead of making those who suffer from it out to be “bad guys” or “the crazies” but strong, smart and independent will help begin to eliminate the stigma of mental illness.

Well off to work more on my painting 🙂 Have a wonderful night (or day wherever you are) everyone!

 

self-soothe weekend

So on Friday when I was sitting down with my boss and having a conversation with her it was also brought up about the possibility of changing up my job. At first I was extremely scared that I had done something terribly wrong, then I was worried that they didn’t want me to be a part of the ‘team’ anymore (hello BPD paranoia) and eventually I asked her the simple question of ‘Why Me?’ and now I won’t get into her answer because a) I don’t want too much about my job on here and b) because there was a lot that was said that meant a lot to me that I want to keep to myself but needless to say I left work on Friday with a LOT to think about and process. Nothing is set in stone with my job but it is something she wanted to know was on the table and for me to think about.

On Saturday I chose to do something VERY out of the norm for me – I went to the local diner and had breakfast all by MYSELF. I have huge food issues and always feel like people are judging me. I brought along the book ‘The Art of Happiness’ by HH Dalai Lama & Howard C Cutler to read as I enjoyed a hot cup of coffee and some eggs benedict. I have only done this ONE other time and that was MONTHS ago and I want to try and break out of my comfort zone when it comes to food and I am slowly making this progress.

I spent most of the weekend thinking about the convo I had with my boss and how I feel about the possibility of not doing the job I do right now – mixed emotions but 6 months ago it would have sent me down a terrible downward spiral of thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, that they hated me, that I didn’t belong…but I was able to actually look at it objectively and I think whatever the final decision is will be the right one. My boss hired me and I know she trusts in my hard work, dedication and almost insane attention to detail and if she thinks that the move is what is best for where we work AND for me? I trust her 100%.

I did however get some painting done this weekend mixed in with watching season 1 of American Horror Story on Netflix. First off: American Horror Story? that show is FUCKED on so many levels but I will say that it seriously kept my interest and sometimes when I watched it, it almost felt like I was watching a movie. The production value on that show is amazing and I typically shy away from blood and gore (although a psychological thriller is one of  my favorites to watch) this was very well done. Now I hope Netflix puts up season 2 soon. It’s one of the few downfalls of not having cable lol. As for my painting – I found myself a little uninspired until today (I am doing my best to not force the creative juices) and eventually I got this idea for a tree on top of a hill with long flowing branches that almost look like hearts on the end. It’s got this pretty dark blue and purple sky with white and yellow stars – and eventually I hope to put one shooting star in there. I might get brave and show you what I have done once I get a little more done with it. It has potential to be good but the inspiration has dissipated so I am leaving it be until the urge strikes again. I must have worked on it for 4 or so hours today (watercolor and acrylic) so I am pretty impressed with myself.

I just got done doing laundry so I am gonna relax on the couch and watch an ep of It’s Always Sunny and crash for the night. Until tomorrow…