Everywhere. Everyone. Everything. Ends.

This is the tagline for Season 5 of Six Feet Under – and if you haven’t watched the series I won’t spoil anything for you but O.M.G was the ending just perfect. Some series stay on forever and don’t end when they should….SFU ended at the perfect time and it was done so brilliantly.

It was so great to have a show that showed the nitty gritty of life AND death. I know vampires and shit are big right now and zombies but a show about a family who owns a funeral business? Most could view that as morbid but in actuality it was about bringing the reality of death to life and a reminder that you need to love the ones in your life, tell them when you can and embrace the uniqueness that we each have inside of us.

Each character had quirks and differences and no matter the subject matter it was tackled – death, suicide, drugs, alcohol, therapy, bi-polar, borderline personality, ECT treatments, adultery, miscarriage….and not only was it tackled but it was handled in such an incredible way. It was believable which is one of the things I think that made this show so great. They put death in the spotlight – instead of hiding the emotions surrounding death, hiding away the sadness and anger that are mixed up in a persons death but made you confront it. See it. Face it.

Powerful, powerful stuff for me. Maybe not everyone will have gotten what I got out of the show but honestly I felt like this hybrid of Claire and Brenda. The creative energy, the artistic side of Claire is how I would love to think of myself but I have the insecurities of both her and Brenda – about my life, my job, my talents and my body. Brenda was borderline and as she would act out and self destruct it was so easy to relate to her – although her form of self destruction was sex with random strangers and mine was cutting – I understood the place it was coming from. It was easy to relate to show because I could relate to so many of the characters – Sarah, Ruth’s sister, was this incredible character portrayed by Patricia Clarkson, was this incredible free spirit and how I wished I could live my life (minus the drug addiction) just totally immersed in the land, in art, fully present in life.

I spent the last 2 episodes of the series bawling my eyes out. I recommend it to anyone who enjoys a great show with an incredible cast.

Tonight’s meditation

What are you resisting most?

Be open to the whole journey, all parts of it.

Is there a feeling, a person, a thought, a project that you have been avoiding? Is there some part of your life that you’re refusing to deal with or open up to? Is there something you’re resisting, something that makes you stubbornly say no? Ignore the voice that says, This is how I decided it will be, so I will close off to that part; I will not consider it. That is the voice of resistance.

Be open to everything. Your most valuable lessons may well come from the things you’re resisting most.

Taken from ‘Journey From the Heart’

Holy shit was this just a shot of truth for me. I have been so closed off for so long that it’s been nice to open myself up to people, let down the walls. If I hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have gotten help, if I hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have been able to trust J enough to give her my last blade. I have been so closed off that I forgot what it felt like to just…be. I’m actually not sure that I ever had the chance to know who I was before. I resist things so often and I need to learn how to let things go, to not be dragged down.

When did life get so complicated? Was I born borderline? What is going to happen when E leaves? These are all things that stay on my mind constantly and what I worry about – why do I hold onto them? Why do I think having the answers will somehow make things easier? I’m not so sure that having those answers WILL make anything easier – what’s the point? *sigh*

Man the quote at the end is just stuck inside my head. I think I need to meditate on it more and get some sleep. I actually spent a lot of time crying today and it has worn me out. Puffy faced and all I think I need to curl into bed and be thankful I am alive, have my health and have amazing people in my life and tomorrow I will tell them.

 

so is this where I begin?

Primary diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder.

Yep.

When you see that in your chart it can feel like a kick in the stomach. Maybe I was a little behind the times when it comes to research on mental illness but the only basis I had for BPD was the movie Girl, Interrupted – and it isn’t like that was the picture perfect vision of what suffering from borderline is like.

I should probably start off by saying my original primary diagnosis was ‘Depressive Disorder’ , ‘Generalized Anxiety Disorder’ followed by ‘Eating Disorder NOS’ with borderline personality traits. After my latest downward spiral I think my therapist made the right choice by changing my primary diagnosis. Isn’t it odd though that we don’t get much of a say in our diagnosis even though it IS ours? That isn’t to say that I don’t agree with mine because I practically fit it to a tee but it definitely doesn’t help when there isn’t a TON of information out there on this versus some of the more common mental illnesses.

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