rough session…rough day

MB and I had out weekly session today and for some reason it was a rough one. I think the more we dig the more shit we dig up the the harder it is to face. I am working so hard every single day and sometimes it feels like I have made zero progress – it’s so frustrating.

I have spent the past 23+ years angry and hating myself because of what OTHER people put into my head. Now the only problem is that it is now programmed into my head and I can’t seem to turn it off. It plays over and over and the voices are just there constantly feeding into every single ounce of self doubt that I have and no matter how hard I try and combat them I can’t seem to win. I fight and I fight and I fight and I never win.

I told MB today that the never ending cycle of trying to better myself feels like I am a hamster on a wheel. I spin and I spin and I never get anywhere. I’ve done diets upon diets…I’ve done it healthy, I’ve done it not healthy, I’ve done pills and I’ve done gyms and she said “well then what do you think you should do” and I said “get off the fucking wheel.” I was surprised at how quickly I responded to that. I told her I never thought of doing nothing..my life has always felt as though there were limits put on it when it came to my weight and eating. The idea of continuing with cooking, working out on my bike but not putting that pressure on myself to have it “change my life” I dunno…it hit me hard.

MB loves to timeline things out – this is both good and bad for me. Good because I have to face a lot of fucking facts that frankly I wouldn’t be nearly as fucked up as I am right now and bad for the same reasons lol. I can’t blame my mom for it all though – I have to be partially responsible. I could have spoken up sooner, I knew it was wrong to cut, i knew thinking about killing myself was wrong but I never had someone I could reach out to. I have that now and I have people in my life who don’t give a shit about what I weigh, what I look like or what I wear. I have people in my life that just love me for who I am: flaws and all. I can’t even love all the flaws yet and somehow they do. That kind of a gift? that is something that you can’t repay.

Before I leave my sessions MB always asks the same question “can you stay safe until I see you next” and USUALLY I’m pretty quick to say ‘YES’ but today, today she knew I wasn’t myself. I paused for a few seconds and said (not looking at her) “I’m fine” and since MB knows me back from when I was seeing E and doing DBT group she knows “I’m fine” is not really fine. We talked about finding out some health news about my mom and what feelings that brought up for me and the fact that I have my stress test on Friday and she knows how I am struggling with the decision I will eventually be faced with: having an ultrasound to determine my heart valve size or not having it. I thought a LOT of my uncle K today. He was just on my mind. He died so young and I wonder what HE would have done. I miss him so much.

So to avoid all these feelings I came home and ate some dinner – I wasn’t in a real cooking mood so I had just picked up some chicken from the grocery store already cooked. I had an urge to cook a little while ago and so I decided to make little mini apple pies (using a pumpkin pie mold I got from Crate and Barrel) and they actually turned out pretty yummy!!

Before Cooking

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After Cooking

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I think I will have to make these again.

For now I am going to relax and head off to bed. Goodnight all.

I should be in a masquerade…

With my family I am always wearing masks.

I’m tired of playing the role of the dutiful daughter and never getting anything in return. I put on a smile and a happy face and I let the world see what they want everyone to see: a loving family. The secrets and lies of what it means to be in this family weigh heavily on me which is why I spend as little time around them as possible. Does that make me cold? probably.

I’m learning that for my own well being I need to be a tad selfish and cut myself off from the toxic and negative people in my life – it sucks that unfortunately those negative people happen to be my own flesh and blood. Both E and MB have told me that I need to look at it like I am standing in front of a vending machine and that no matter how much money I put into it, that it will NEVER give me what I am looking for. The more time I spend with positive people the more I know this to be true yet I still feel guilty. I feel like I am letting THEM down – are you kidding me? my entire life nobody has stood beside me, nobody took the time to help me and yet I worry about letting THEM down?! How fucked up is that?

The years of sadness, the cutting, the distance and the eating disorder(s) that were clearly overlooked by the people who were supposed to love and protect me are wounds that still remain freshly intact. A childhood spent either being ignored or only noticed for my weight. I was only on her radar when I was eating, when I wasn’t making her look good, when I was an embarrassment. She had no problem putting me on countless diets, pushing me into sports I didn’t want to play and find ways to belittle any and all accomplishments I seemed to make. She measured love based on appearance, based on what the outside world saw.  The feelings of inadequacy and feelings of worthlessness I have spent the past 30 years carrying around – it’s no wonder I am how I am.

I’d like to think that she did the best she could, that she was being supportive in her own way – that it all came from a place of love. The problem is I can only float around in that sea of denial for so long. I’d like to think if B were still alive she never would have allowed my mother to talk to me the way she did, to treat me the way she did…but I don’t know that for sure, the only truth I learned at that age was that next to death there wasn’t much of a way to stop the shit from getting out of control. I learned that hiding your feelings was how you needed to live. That you don’t cry, you don’t share and you certainly don’t let your weaknesses be shown.

In life there are moments that can shape and define you for better or worse. What I am now trying to do is find ways to move forward and find new ways to shape and define who I am. In the words of J “none of it is easy, but it is ALL worth it.”

 

cue the full blown anxiety…

I have a date tomorrow night with a guy I met on OKCupid. I am freaking out.

My last experience was my friend C trying to hook me up with the guy she is seeings friend D…She texted D a picture of me and then boom all of a sudden he was always “busy” or “working overtime” when she was trying to plan a double date. Eventually she got it out of him that it was because of how I looked. Talk about a way to KILL your self-esteem. This has been my entire life. Never good enough, never smart enough, never skinny enough, never pretty enough…so this “date” tomorrow. This is HUGE for me.

I have never been much of a ‘dater’ basically for the reasons I outlined above. It’s hard to date when you hate yourself and spend most of the time you are wishing you are dead. The guy, G, seems really nice, outgoing, a lot of fun. We’ve been talking for a few days and he asked if I wanted to go out. The problem is I do and yet the fear is just so incredibly overwhelming. How is it that I am 30 years old and I am scared fucking shitless about a date?! what the fuck is that?

J said she would go with me as a buffer – I think my level of fear and anxiety warrants a buffer but it also makes me feel like a child…like I need a chaperone. I think J understands what a huge leap this is for me and that helps. We are just gonna meet up and have some beers and maybe get some food and I was completely honest with him that I needed to take things super slow. I’m pretty sure announcing on a first “date” that I am fucked in the head, have borderline personality disorder and have spent most of my life wishing I was dead is NOT the right way to go so I am trying to play it cool. The less he knows about my mental state the better. What if he walks in and turns around when he sees me? what if I’m not good enough? these are the fears and thoughts running through my mind. I don’t want to be lonely, I do want to find someone to connect with on an intimate level the problem is my anxiety.  J is convinced this is good for me and I KNOW she is right…but I’m so fucking anxious. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me? I know I deserve to find someone….but my brain just keeps telling me I’m not enough.

On a far better note? who knows anymore, M brought in her high school yearbook to work. I got to see pictures of B when she was in high school. Do you have any idea how extraordinarily amazing it was to see those? To be able to make copies and have a piece of her that I never had before? God, it’s incredible. She was voted ‘Best Looking’ and ‘Best Body’ and was on the prom court and honor society – she looked just as beautiful as I remembered her. I’m crying right now just typing this. She meant so much to me and it was just SO sweet and wonderful of M to bring back her high school year book so I could have pictures of B, pictures I am not sure anyone in my family has seen before. Her smile…that is what I remember most, that is what I miss.

The quote on her senior picture

“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen”

That quote sums her up perfectly and reminds me not only of her but J. I’m still convinced B played a big part in me getting the job I have and bringing me to my work family. The day she died the world lost an incredible soul and heaven gained a beautiful angel. I have to remember that I got several amazing years with someone who I will always consider a second mother – I have to hold onto that and let go of the anger and sadness. I would give anything to see her again but I wouldn’t give back a single minute of the time I got with her.

And now that I am a blubbering mess I am going to go onto tonight’s meditation:

Tap into the creative flow

Life is creative, and so are you. Let the creative energy of the universe come alive for you. Let it help you bring your creativity alive. Let it bring you the answers, the direction, the guidance you need to create. Let it bring you your ingredients.

What are you trying to create? A more loving, open relationship? More spiritual growth? A new job? A book? A new home? A friendship? A play? A dong? A quilt? A meal? A budget? Ask the universe for the help you need. Ask it to help you find your ingredients; ask it to help you form your vision, get clear on your ideas, and produce the best creation you can.

Your answer may come quickly. As we grow and embrace our connection to the universe, as we embrace our connection to ourselves, we find many of our answers appearing almost immediately. If the answer doesn’t come right away, don’t try to force it. The help will come. The idea will come. The next ingredient for your creation will appear. Sometimes the answer will come softly, almost as a whisper. Other times the guidance will be loud and clear. You will see and hear the guidance clearly and easily when you continue to love yourself.

Tap into the creative energy of the universe. It will help you tap into your own. To tap into God and the creative force, just tap into your heart.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I’m crying happy tears right now.  I asked the universe for a real family. And I got one.

J is the loud and clear guidance that I needed, wanted and feared. She pushed me in ways that MAKE me want to be better. She has shown me what the universe has to offer.

Enjoying life, connecting with nature, watching the birds, the butterflies and gardening…she taught me all of those things. At least she taught me how to be OPEN to all those things and by doing that she helped me discover parts of myself that I never knew I had. I am so lucky and blessed to have such incredible and wonderful people in my life and I need to learn to listen to them more when they are trying to teach me about life and lessons in learning to be myself, forgive myself and finding out who *I* am.

I may not always be sure what I am doing or where this path is going to take me but as long as I have my FAMILY by my side I know I am going to be okay. J and the girls have helped me in ways I never thought possible, they helped me tear down the walls I built up and never once judged me. They love and care about ME and there are no strings attached to it – it is just pure and simple love. I never knew that existed. How blessed am I?

Goodnight world.

 

 

Fighting through the pain

The lessons are love

Lessons of love, that’s what they are.

We usually don’t know what the lesson is while we’re learning it. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Besides, if we knew it, really knew it, we wouldn’t need to learn it. We’d already be practicing it in our daily lives. Byt even when we don’t know what the lesson is, we can know one thing: it’s a lesson of love.

Courage. Faith. Patience. Loving ourselves when it looks and feels like nobody else cares. Starting over again one more time, when we think we’ve already started over again more times than we should have had to. Forgiveness. Compassion. Gentleness. Joy. Each one is a lesson of love.

For many of us, the problem isn’t that we haven’t had love in our lives before. The issue is that we haven’t understood love. Know this: not only are the lessons about love, the lessons themselves are love.

Feel your feelings. Struggle through your situations and experiences and emotions. The struggle to learn isn’t incidental to your purpose. It’s an integral part of your purpose, your destiny, your reason for being. Go through your moments of darkness and confusion, and trust that the light will come. Through it all, rest in one thought: you’re on track. You’re on your path.

You’re connected to love. You’re connected to God. And the lessons you’re learning are lessons of love.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

Usually the passages of love tend to make me feel uncomfortable because learning to love myself is still pretty new to me.

I still struggle to feel the emotions, to sit with them, to try and understand them.

When things get tough for me now…I look at the picture of B’s grave. I look at it and remember how I told her I was going to work as hard as I can to get better.

I remember what it felt like to actually be there, to face that fear. It’s a reminder that facing the fears won’t kill me; that they can make me stronger.

Every moment I am learning, growing, changing…it’s all a process. I’m not thrilled with that since I am not patient lol but I am working at trying to be more patient with myself.

I am learning to allow myself to feel the feelings I have, to sit with my emotions and try and understand why I have them.

It’s not easy – especially when the emotions are anger. I hate thinking of myself as an “angry” person…it was almost easier to think of myself as depressed or anxious.

I know that anger is a normal human emotion but feeling it? Sometimes it makes me feel out of control.

I always wonder how much of my past could have been different if I had gotten help sooner, if I had found B’s grave sooner…but the reality is I didn’t. The reality is I found her when I was meant to, when I was emotionally well enough to. I loved her, I miss her and she will always be a part of me. I know this now. I am learning how to let go of the baggage and hold onto the memories. The old me didn’t understand the difference. I wasn’t open enough and my lens wasn’t clear enough to see it until now.

Hopefully this weekend I will write up what my last session with E was like. The emotions are still strong. She was such an important part of my life, I know I was an important part of her life. I won’t end up sharing everything because a lot of that I need for myself – but she meant so much to me and the last session was no exception to that.

like a shooting star

I just got back from an extremely emotional trip.

My uncle K passed away on January 6th. He was this free thinking incredible spirit and he just dropped dead. It was unexpected and shook me to my core. My entire life I have run from death. His death hit me hard. Ever since I was a little kid he encouraged me to paint, think, draw and create. As an artist he created works that were unique, confusing, sexual and controversial. His work was unlike anything I had ever seen before and even though I didn’t get to experience a lot of his work I always found myself in awe when I was in the presence of his pieces. It’s hard to put into words how he touched my life – the last time I saw him was on Christmas as I was leaving my moms because I was sick…I spent so much time wishing I had stayed that day but honestly that wouldn’t have changed anything. I’ll always remember his hugs the most and how he chose to live in such a laid back way. How he believed in people and the good in them.

This past Saturday there was an art show of some of his work at a gallery he spent a lot of time at. People from all walks of life were there to remember him, mourn him, share stories and celebrate him. There was family everywhere (cousins and uncles from all over the US) and as sad it all was that we were getting to see each other under these circumstances it was nice to be able to see my extended family. I didn’t find myself emotional until the following day when we went to scatter his ashes.

We walked 4 miles out to this secluded beach as a family all 17 of us and released him. As I stood watching his ashes fall into the waves I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and I let the flood gates go. Everyone was crying so I don’t know why it was so hard for me but it was. I hugged my cousin D and we smiled as the sun beat down. We knew he was watching. I let the tears fall as needed: like watching my grandfather hug my uncles girlfriend, how my uncles hugged each other, as my cousins shared stories of him. It was a beautiful scene on a beautiful day and damn if K wouldn’t have just loved it. We all slowly made our way back the 4 miles to the cars and talked, listened, picked up shells and I found 4 hearts in nature. I chatted with my cousins about life, stories about uncle K and about where we are all at in our lives. We tried to make the most of the fact that we were all together.

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(c) 2013 BorderlineMusings (sorry for the quality it was on my crappy camera phone)

We got home, feasted on Oysters and then went out to dinner in his honor. It was a day full of life, love and sadness. I like to think K was watching over us and smiling.

Monday I faced a huge fear. Monday I went to visit B’s grave.

It took me almost 19 years to get to this place. My mom never told me where B was buried, she never would let me go to her grave by myself but I found out where she was buried and so I made it my mission while I was on this vacation that I would visit her. I was scared shitless. I was afraid I would chicken out, that I wouldn’t get out of the car or I wouldn’t be able to find the exact location in the cemetery of her grave. I faced all those fears by myself.

I pulled into the small cemetery and immediately freaked out because I could not for the life of me remember where her grave was. I had these memories in my mind from when we were kids and we’d go visit her even though I wasn’t allowed out of the car. I drove my car around for 5 minutes and then I parked it. I sat in the car for 10 minutes. I told myself I needed to find her, I told myself that I deserved this and that B deserved this. I got out of the car and walked around. I could vividly remember her being close to the road and that there was a tree or shrub of some kind. I walked around for about 15 minutes (it felt like HOURS) and FINALLY I found her.

Seeing her grave for the first time in person that I can remember? I can’t even describe the emotions. I took a few deep breaths and sat down beside her. I cleaned off her grave and sat in silence as the teared flowed. I couldn’t have stopped the tears even if I wanted too but honestly? I didn’t want them to stop. I left her the white heart in nature I found (the 2nd largest one) at her grave, talked to her, shared stories with her. I relived memories and I thanked her for being in my life. I always used to be SO angry that I only knew her for such a short time that I wished I hadn’t known her at all but that was just the hurt talking. I fully and 100% know that I wouldn’t trade in those years for anything in the world and she forever changed me. She gave me a wonderful gift and gift was knowing her.

After I left B (nobody in my family knew that was where I went) I decided to go to a local store and process all my emotions. As I was finally driving back to where we were staying I saw this incredibly cool store on the side of the road called ‘Buddha’s Beads’ and I just HAD to pull in. I was able to get a pair of hand-painted earrings with lotus’s on them and 2 sets of prayer flags for my fire escape back home. I think it was the perfect way to spend my afternoon. Afterwards I went out to see an old high school friend who was now living where we were visiting. She is getting married in October so we got to hang out, drink a bottle of wine, talk about life, love, her wedding and everything in between. I experienced (what felt like) a hundred different emotions that day but at the end of the day when I reflected back…it was such an incredible day. It was sunny, beautiful, and I got to finally get some closure with B. I am sure E and I will be talking a TON about this soon lol but next week is our last session (potentially) before she leaves for her own new adventure.

I didn’t get much time to myself on this “vacation” but I was able to talk with J a little via email and even though I didn’t need her validation that I did the right thing about seeing B, about mourning uncle K – to KNOW someone was proud of me? that meant a lot to me. I never would have gotten to a place where I could have done ANY of that if it hadn’t been for J constantly pushing me, being there for me and encouraging me. She has truly been a rock for me and a sister through and through. I did this on my own, I got out of the car, I faced a HUGE fear but if I didn’t have the people back home in my life I don’t know if I could have done it. I love my friends, I love my co-workers and I know now more than ever that I belong here. That feels…good. Going to see B was scary, intense, overwhelming, emotional but so so SO worth it. I got to close up a little of that wound and now that I know where she is buried? I plan on going back to see her when I can.

June 19th

Your heart will guide you through

If you feel confused, alone, unsure of what to do next, go back to a place you can trust – your heart. In matters of work, money, love, play, go back to your heart.

The issues that arise in your life can be dealt with from the heart. You will be guided through gently, safely, with love and truth, along the path that’s best for you. Are you feeling upset? Do you wonder why things aren’t working out? Are you unsure of the map, uncertain of the next step, wondering how to untangle the mess of the past?

The answer isn’t in your head, it’s in your heart. It’s not outside of you, although sometimes we receive guidance from others. The answer you’re seeking, the guidance you’re looking for needs to feel right to you. It needs to resonate with your heart. Your heart is the center, the balance point for your emotions, your intellect, and your soul. Your heart is safe.

Go back to your heart. It will always lead you home.

Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

 

In so many ways this touches me today. I have people in my life who are there to remind me that I need to trust my heart, that I have a heart worth trusting even when I don’t think I do. These people help me, encourage me, guide me but also let me fly with my own two wings…that kind of friendship is PRICELESS and I am so blessed and honored to have them in my life.

I don’t always say the right things, I don’t always use my skills, I sometimes let the borderline have control but what I am slowly learning (in HUGE part thanks to J) is that I HAVE choice. I can let myself be bogged down by my disorder, I can let myself ruin relationships and friendships with the walls I put up or I can choose to be happy, I can choose to live.

That lesson is extraordinarily difficult…but worth it in more ways than one.

 

 

 

I’m back

It’s been weeks and weeks since I have posted last and I have to apologize for just halting all my posts.

Things at work have been…crazy to say the least.

One of the (many) problems that I have is: I am a workaholic. I love the people I work with, I enjoy my job and I appreciate all the opportunities I have been given over the past year and a half. M has only been cleared to come back to work for 4 hours a day and at one point last week MM was out sick twice and one day JS had to leave early! I feel like I have been taking on the brunt of the work. I NEVER could have done that a year ago – fuck I couldn’t have done that 6 months ago but I think I did a fantastic job handling the stress. E is baffled as to how long I am going to be able to do this and she has every reason to wonder that – on Tues night I hit the wall. I crashed into that wall at 100 miles an hour and lost it.

I am noticing that when the good days last longer and longer when I finally hit the wall it feels like I am hitting it harder than I ever have, does anyone else experience this? With work, my sessions with E are getting more and more intense and I even took on a big project at work as well (which has since ended – thank GOD!). I also found out that M graduated with the one person in my life that I will never see again. She knew B, she knew her and grew up with her! I had finally made peace with the fact that mom wasn’t going to share with me any aspect of that part of our lives. Mom likes control. I wasn’t allowed to mourn B’s passing, I wasn’t allowed to visit her grave and she has NEVER once told me where B is buried….and all of that changed with me asking M one question. My entire world felt like it was spinning, it was like opening up this Pandora’s box of feelings and emotions that I forgot I had, that I forgot I could feel. I was comforted that someone else knew her but sad and upset that I still felt abandoned by her. It felt as if my skin was peeled back and I was completely exposed, raw, naked and flooded with memories of B and the short time she was a part of our lives. I felt like I was 10 years old again, my childhood gone, my reality forever changed…the wound that finally started to heal was ripped wide open and the flooding of emotions couldn’t be stopped.

Among all of this craziness I also had the chance to celebrate one year of seeing E! I couldn’t believe it. The girl who never ever wanted to be in therapy just celebrated one year with her therapist! E was so sweet – at my session she brought me a cupcake and got me a water bottle from the MoMa 🙂 I am going to be so sad when she finally leaves. I have to keep telling myself that she is going to help so many others out there like me, that she is going to do great and wonderful things and I am hopeful that there will be a chance to somehow keep in touch with her once she leaves. I know she has come into my life for a season – to help save me, to help me discover pieces of myself and to be the first to listen to all of my secrets. Saying good-bye isn’t one of the things I do the best but she has assured me that she is going to see me through the transition to my new therapist MB.

For the most part I really have been on an up-swing and the crash I had…well that was a long time coming I think. I rode the wave, I felt the feelings and I got through it. I know E is right, I know I need to do DBT again and I most likely will but I am still trying to weigh my pros and cons. I know that I want to move up in my job and J has given me some GREAT feedback about seeing me as Leadership potential and so I know that by doing another round of DBT it won’t only be good for me personally and emotionally but it will also help me professionally in “climbing” the latter so-to-speak.

J has been helping me find other creative outlets in gardening. She has this green thumb that I can’t explain and watching her seedlings go to full blown flowers? fucking nothing cooler than that. So I bought myself a cute little plant that totally inspired the shit out of me and then started growing some seedlings of my own out on my fire escape at my apartment. It acts as this lesson about how I need to treat myself as I treat the seedlings…patience, nurturing, tenderness, attention. It makes so much sense when you apply this to the plants and yet somehow I struggle so deeply with trying to apply it to my own life…why is that? why is it that I never ever seem to put as much care into myself as I do with my work, my art and the things around me?

There have been many nightly meditations over the past few weeks – some that have touched me greatly, some that acted as harsh reminders and others that I don’t think (at this moment in time) apply to me. I am still reading them every night, I am still trying to find meaning in them and I share them with J and I think (and hope) she gets as much out of them as I do. The more I get to know of her the more I feel connected to her…like she is my sister. I know that sounds silly but the friendship really does feel that deep to me. She and E have both agreed to meet (just to say hello) before E leaves – I want the two most influential people in my life to meet each other. It won’t be a session or anything – I just want them to meet since I talk about them to each other ALL the time. I am so thrilled they both agreed.

I will leave you with today’s actual meditation. If you want to know what some of the other days meditations were I would be happy to share them with you in the comments section 🙂

Love yourself enough to Relax

Our bodies react to the world around us – and within us – in many ways. Our bodies act like sponges – they can soak up healing energy or they can absorb and trap the negative energy of stress and tension. Some of us are so used to keeping our bodies tense and bound up we don’t even notice how much they hurt, how strained and tight our muscles are.

Connect with your body. Learn to tell how tense it is. Take a few moments throughout the day to see what hurts, what aches, what muscles are being strained. Although tension can affect the entire body, many of us have favorite places in our body to store stress, places that usually become tense, rigid, and full of aches. Necks, shoulders, lower backs are favorite traps. Become familiar with your body and where it stores stress and tension.

Then, learn to relax. Explore different options. Therapeutic massage. Self-hypnosis. Meditation. Soaking in a hot bath. Sitting in the steam room. Exercise. Visualization. Taking time to do activities that bring you pleasure. If you make the effort to explore relaxation techniques, you will find ways to relax that you like and can afford.

If you’ve been soaking up too much stress, give yourself a break. Let your body start soaking up some healing energy, too. Love yourself enough to help your body relax.

This is one I have actually been practicing today. Relaxing. Taking a hot shower. Watching TV. Painting. I used to have such an issue with allowing myself to take the time for myself. I used to feel lazy and guilty. I have been reading a book that J lent me called “View from a Sketchbook” and enjoying it a lot. There is something about how the way they describe the world around, the prairie, the things they see and witness. I dunno…it’s almost poetic.

I am feeling a little blocked on the creative front which is a little frustrating for me but I checked on my little sprouts this morning, curled up in my chair, watched some more Dexter and fully let myself take comfort in doing whatever it is I feel like. I am coming to the deeper realization that I’m not the same person anymore.

I left home as soon as I graduated high school because I never felt like I belonged, I never appreciated the quiet, I never appreciated any of it. Now that I am back…now that I feel like I am a person that is worth living…I don’t know…it is like I appreciate it all far more than I ever imagined. Coming back here was a leap of faith, one final stitch effort to find meaning in what felt like my entire meaningless existence. What I actually found was so much more…hope, family, faith, friendship. Things I don’t ever want to lose again.

I have so many to thank for that. So when I am crashing in the waves I remember that I am not alone. I have people who are there to help me back up and make sure that I never drown.

I leave you with a 4 leaf clover I am growing and my little sprouts (as I call them :))

4leafclover sprouts

(c) borderlinemusings 2013

awakening…at least maybe that is what this is.

Trust what you know

As you grow, as you evolve, as you continue on this journey, you’ll discover many special abilities, gifts, and powers. One is an increased sense of knowingness. We will begin to understand events and people on a level much deeper than we experienced before.

We will begin to know the feeling of a person, place, or thing. We will begin to feels its energy, not just its matter of physical form. We’ll talk to a person for a while and know if that person feels trapped, feels like a victim, or feels free. We’ll know if a place holds energy that is good for us. Or we’ll know that energy isn’t right for us, doesn’t currently complement our needs. We won’t judge. We’ll just know. And we’ll know what to do.

Powers appear when we open the heart. We find the powers of love, comfort, faith, joy. There are other powers, too, that come along the way. One of these is the quiet power of trusting what we know.

Open your heart. Let it show you what it knows. Learn to trust what you know. You’re wiser than you think.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

For some reason this one hit close to home for me today. It’s funny…I never knew what I could experience when I let down the walls and find the powers inside. I never believed in happiness or peace – I only saw darkness, only believed in the negative energy that the darkness but people in my life now have helped change that. J, M, MM, JS and E have all helped me bring down the walls and then how to handle all the energy that comes with it.

I found myself crippled with fear as the walls came down – my family helped me overcome those fears, how to harness the power and turn them into good. Reflecting back hurts a lot, to see where I was, to see how low I had fallen…I know deep down that I have made incredible progress and that I am NOT that same person anymore but sometimes when I reflect back I still wonder. I still wonder if B hadn’t died, I still wonder if I should have killed myself, I still wonder if I should have gotten help sooner…going back isn’t going to change anything…and being in the mind space I am in now looking back makes me sad for another reason. That reason is because if things were different then maybe I wouldn’t have the job I have now and wouldn’t have those people in my life, wouldn’t have find my true family.

I am where I am supposed to be right here and right now and honestly it doesn’t matter how I got here and THAT is what I have come to understand.

I am so thankful and grateful to those in my life who have stuck around and helped me get here – without them I would never have been able to clear my lens off enough to begin to see the person that they see every time they look at me. What an incredible gift.

reality check

Loving yourself will make it better

Are you feeling powerless? Have circumstances taken a turn you don’t like? Do you feel there’s nothing you can do to make today better? One power that’s always available to you is the power to love yourself.

Sometimes we feel powerless. We have circumstances in our lives we simply cannot change, no matter what we do to create something different, to move the situation along. We can’t get another person to behave differently. We can’t seem to change something at work. We can’t do much about our money situation, at least not in the moment. Nothing in life seems to be going our way. It’s not that we’re doing anything wrong. We aren’t off our path or neglecting a particular lesson. The energy of that particular time in our lives in frustrating. There is no action we can take to change our circumstances. All we can do is surrender to the circumstances, accept what’s happening, and stay in the moment.

During those times, there is one action we can take that will help. We can love ourselves. When we can’t do anything about the world around us, when we can’t even seem to do much about ourselves, we can always, always love ourselves. When all our powers seem stripped away, we can practice the power of self-love. It’s one power no one can take away.

Self-love will always make things better. And perhaps when a difficult time is past, you’ll look back and say, That’s what I was really learning all along – the ever present, healing power of learning to love myself.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

To be honest I am not sure I could have read this one before today and not scoffed at it.

I am feeling like I am in a place of balance right now, in a place of somewhat acceptance: the acceptance of the path, journey, diagnosis, and of it all.

I feel okay with where I am – I smile now sometimes without realizing it. I catch myself and I don’t know where it came from our why and think to myself maybe THIS right here and now is happiness.

I’m sitting here on the couch and reflecting – I realize what a STRONG factor J has been in me getting to this place both- that both she and E being there, helping guide me, helping me up after I fall.

I am grateful to them in SO many ways…for coming into my life, for pushing me into therapy, for getting me the help that I needed and for doing what you thought was best when I couldn’t find the courage to do it myself.

She has been an anchor for me this past year and a half, the lighthouse to guide me during the darkest of times, the family that needed and never ever thought I deserved.

I can’t begin to thank her for helping me get to a place where I can learn to self-love. For helping me up so I could get to this place…I could NEVER have done it without you.

She helped me think I was worth it and helped me see that I matter….do you have any idea how incredible that is? How lucky I feel?

A year and a half ago I couldn’t have said any of this, believed any of this and even on the days where I am crashing in the wave…I know it to be true.

I know that *I* did all the work – I know that only *I* can practice the power of self love but I also know that if  J didn’t help me to believe that I was worth it I never would have gotten here…E has done a TON in regards to my mental health, my skills practice, ways to let the emotions come and go…but she cared about me even before I was in therapy. She saw something in me the day she met me and has ALWAYS been there right beside me to help me see it.

I am crying happy tears right now…happy tears thinking about how much my friendship with J has changed me, how much it has lifted me up. How much MM, JS and M mean to me and how important they are in my life.

These tears are for how proud for how honored that they are in my life, how much it means to me that they care about me.

I would NOT be here on this earth if J hadn’t called me in for an interview…I know this for a fact. I hadn’t planned on living to see 2012…I felt worthless, alone, unlovable…getting this job was the greatest thing to EVER happen to me.  I was MEANT to get this job, to come into their lives…I thank my angel in heaven B for it.

I am now able to know I have value and purpose and WORTH in life…that is a feeling I can not begin to even put into words. I cry happy tears for myself, for J, for MM, JS and M…I am truly blessed.

 

like Alice…down the rabbit hole I go

I knew it was coming – I knew it and I could feel it but that didn’t stop it from happening. I crashed and I crashed hard. Poor E had to help me breathe through my mini panic attack, help me through the wave. I couldn’t do it myself, I tried the skills, I tried to do it but I needed the extra help to get through it.

I know deep down that being able to ask for that help is a HUGE step (especially for me) but there is a small part of me that feels like a complete failure. I was feeling pretty good and confident with myself as of late and that should have been my first sign that I was going to eat dirt hard. The times where I feel like I am making progress and where I allow myself to CELEBRATE that are usually the times where my crash isn’t too far behind.

I really wanted to be able to handle it on my own – it really frustrated me that I wasn’t able to. I am trying not to let myself be dragged further down and I think I am doing okay with it but I am struggling. I have to call E tomorrow and even though I tried to clean mindfully, tried distress tolerance and now I am trying self-soothe…I just can’t get my brain to slow down enough to process it all with a wise mind.

SIGH. Anyways on to tonight’s meditation:

You’ll see the answer

The answer you are looking for may be right before your eyes.

Have you asked the question? Have you put it out to God, the universe, yourself, and the world?

What do I need to do now? What do I need to do next? Where and why am I stuck? What am I not seeing? What’s the answer? I need a clue.

Often, asking the question means the answer is trying to find you. Follow your heart, and then open your eyes. You’ll see it.

The answer may be right in front of you.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

As much as I would like to think that this meditation is helpful – I am just not sure how much it is for me today. I could FEEL myself spiral today, I called E, I reached out…I knew I couldn’t stop it on my own…how MESSED up is that? The skills weren’t working, deep breathing, focusing on what works, trying to use my non-judgmental stance…sometimes the answers aren’t always right in front of you – or what do I know maybe they are and my lens is to clouded to see it.

How badly do I wish all the answers really could be right in front of me? How badly do I wish I could be “cured” of being borderline most days? Some days I am okay with it – if I wasn’t borderline maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today and on most days I am content and okay with where I am (working my way towards happiness) and if I didn’t suffer from a mental illness maybe I never would have met my true family…and I don’t want to picture my life without them. They have MADE me a better person.

I did some chores for the day and I am gonna make some dinner soon – all I ate was a cookie whoppie pie (eating those are another form of self destruction for me since all that sugar usually makes me nauseous) and I worked out this morning so I need to put some actual substance in my body. I AM proud that I knew I needed to call E – that was a big step for me, calling and asking for help. I think I am getting better about that. I think I am learning what I can handle and what I can’t. Breaking down isn’t an option right now and neither are days off – so I need to use my skills and tools and reach out and ask for help when I need it.

Maybe the answer today was to call E…maybe that was what I needed to be able to get through it without self destructing…and if that is the case…what the hell am I going to do when she leaves?

 

Feeling blessed

So this post is a day late but I was so tired when I got home that I didn’t have the time to post it. Can I just tell you how blessed and honored I feel? I have so many amazing people in my life…people who are there for me through thick and thin, people who love and support me.

One of my co-workers is getting ready to have a baby – well his wife is anyways – so a bunch of us took up a collection at work and then went over to S’s house to tie-dye onesies and drink beer and have pizza. It was so awesome and fun. Afterwards J and I went to a couple of local shops for shopping – neither of us bought anything lol – but she did show me this INCREDIBLE store where I can get prayer flags so I can’t wait to spend a LOT of money in there LOL.

After the shopping we went back to her place and just talked, created art, painted and it was just so…peaceful. I am so proud of J for so many reasons and I am so freakin’ lucky to have someone like her in my life. Someone who gets me, who understands the “crazy” who doesn’t judge me and loves me regardless. She is the older sister I always wanted/needed…she has shown me the REAL meaning of family.

Last nights meditation:

Give freely of what you’ve been given

Learning to not overcare, overgive, and overdo are the lessons of the past. We have learned them, learned them well. There was a time when we needed to monitor our giving because we were giving compulsively, almost addictively, with no thought to what felt right in our heart, with no understanding of loving ourselves. But that was yesterday.

This is now. We can trust ourselves to know when it’s time to stop or when our giving has become destructive. We can trust ourselves to know when it’s not our job to give, because now we are connected to ourselves, listening to ourselves, on track.

Give freely of your time, your heart, your joy, your wisdom. Share your experiences, your strength, your hope. Share your weaknesses as well as your strengths. Share your money, your gifts, your laughter. Share your hope. Share yourself.

Give freely of what you’ve been given, and the universe will provide you with exactly what you need. Give freely and the universe will give freely to you.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ 

This one was SO appropriate after last night. J and I had been talking about where I had been 2 years ago and where I am now – how I have opened up and given myself to others and brought the walls down. I am still learning, still growing and still changing for the better and I know that life is always changing.  I have learned how to ride the waves better, I have learned that I can open up and trust people and even though E is leaving to go elsewhere she is not abandoning me. E is going to help many many people who are in the same situation I am and I have had her in my life for the time that I needed her – letting go will be SO hard but I will be able to handle it.

I am making a list of things to do and adding them to my calendar so I can keep up on my cleaning. I spent so much of my childhood with a mother who would watch you as you cleaned to make sure you did it right that sometimes I feel like rebellion that I don’t want to clean, or when I am falling down the rabbit hole and I have no motivation to even eat let alone clean. But now that I am in the right frame of mind I am going to make sure that I add stuff to my calendar (if it is not there I will forget lol) to ensure that I can keep up on it. J gave me some honest and heartfelt words of advice, wisdom and critique and she is 100% right…and again she does it in this way without making me feel worse than I already do, without any judgments and just having it come from the heart.

Blessed to have the people in my life, to finally have my lens clear enough to know that people care about me and be able to say that I am worth caring about. I have not only allowed myself to give freely of others (I was always giving so much of myself) but now I am able to accept what the universe gives back to me. What an incredible feeling….and I never would have gotten to this point right now without the love of my work family (my real family if you ask me) J, MM, JS and M. They encourage me every single day, they are there for me, they push me and challenge me…I am a better person because of them.