scotch, scotch, scotch….

Today was just as emotionally exhausting as yesterday. I had told E I would call her today to check in with how I was doing. I didn’t want to talk to her – I was still incredibly angry and upset with her. She asked me to tell her what “skills” I was using and honestly work was so busy, we are understaffed and I wasn’t using any of the skills consciously. After a few minutes we ended the conversation and I continued on with my day. I haven’t felt this exhausted in a long time but one of my co-workers is out (for how long we don’t know) and so we are trying to keep up with the massive amount of work for 4 with 3 of us!

E and I ended up talking at the end of the day and I was FINALLY able to express my anger and views in a way she could understand and I feel like she finally heard me. It was nice to be able to get my feelings out in a way that not only made me feel like I was sharing something important to me but also that I still had the respect of E. I feel like she finally got WHY I was upset and WHAT it meant to me to feel like the decisions regarding my recovery were made by me and how I didn’t want to feel like I was constantly compromising for what other people wanted.

After work it was our monthly get together where we drink wine, don’t talk about work and just generally drink, laugh and have a good time. This month we decided to try scotches and I had NEVER had scotch before. There were a fair amount of people there and several pups and it was really just a GOOD time. I worry about drinking when I am on this downward spiral but I was able to drink responsibly, have fun, interact with people and feel comfortable. That doesn’t happen all that much for me and it was nice to feel so accepted by people. It’s nice to feel wanted and to feel that people WANT to hang out with me.

Tonight’s meditation

Move gently into forgiveness

“I never knew how much I blamed and hated myself. I never knew how much shame and self-contempt I picked up from situations I’d been through until I really forgave myself and felt how that feels,” one woman said to me.

Loving yourself, forgiving yourself, accepting yourself – all of these feel different from judging yourself. Many of us have lived with so much judgment of ourselves that we take these feelings for granted. We just think that’s’ how we’re doomed to feel. Until we do forgive ourselves, we don’t realize how much we need to, and how good, how great, how absolutely terrific that feels.

I was leery of forgiveness for many years. I thought forgiving implied judging. And because judging was wrong and I shouldn’t do it, I didn’t need to forgive. The problem was, whether right or wrong, I had judged myself. And now I needed forgiveness.

Self-judgments set us apart, separate us from the rest of the world in an undesirable way. Forgiving ourselves reconnects us to the world, to God, to ourselves.

We can forgive ourselves for what we’ve done wrong, what we’ve done badly, and what we think we could have done better. We can transcend our judgments of ourselves.

Move gently into forgiveness. Love, forgive, and accept yourself. See how connected you feel. See how free you really are and always have been. See how much better you feel!

Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

This is one I continue to have the hardest time with. I know I need to forgive myself, cut myself slack and know that just because I choose to forgive myself does not mean that I am judging myself. The problem I have is that I AM judging myself. That is where I need to be able to find the balance. I hate being borderline, I hate being depressed and I hate how alone it all makes me feel – but after a night like tonight all of that goes away. I had FUN tonight, I let loose and enjoyed the people around me. I didn’t think about my convos today with E, I didn’t think about how scared I have been, how alone I feel. Tonight was just fun.

It’s funny to think just last night I was in tears and today I am BEYOND exhausted but feeling okay. That’s the part of my disorder I have such a hard time with – the constant roller coaster. I never know how I am going to feel at any given moment and as great as the prozac is to help stabilize the moods it would be nice to feel like I had a little more control over it. I am sure I can reflect on this more tomorrow but right now I just need to change into pjs and hop into bed.

Goodnight all, goodnight beautiful moon….

self-soothe weekend

So on Friday when I was sitting down with my boss and having a conversation with her it was also brought up about the possibility of changing up my job. At first I was extremely scared that I had done something terribly wrong, then I was worried that they didn’t want me to be a part of the ‘team’ anymore (hello BPD paranoia) and eventually I asked her the simple question of ‘Why Me?’ and now I won’t get into her answer because a) I don’t want too much about my job on here and b) because there was a lot that was said that meant a lot to me that I want to keep to myself but needless to say I left work on Friday with a LOT to think about and process. Nothing is set in stone with my job but it is something she wanted to know was on the table and for me to think about.

On Saturday I chose to do something VERY out of the norm for me – I went to the local diner and had breakfast all by MYSELF. I have huge food issues and always feel like people are judging me. I brought along the book ‘The Art of Happiness’ by HH Dalai Lama & Howard C Cutler to read as I enjoyed a hot cup of coffee and some eggs benedict. I have only done this ONE other time and that was MONTHS ago and I want to try and break out of my comfort zone when it comes to food and I am slowly making this progress.

I spent most of the weekend thinking about the convo I had with my boss and how I feel about the possibility of not doing the job I do right now – mixed emotions but 6 months ago it would have sent me down a terrible downward spiral of thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, that they hated me, that I didn’t belong…but I was able to actually look at it objectively and I think whatever the final decision is will be the right one. My boss hired me and I know she trusts in my hard work, dedication and almost insane attention to detail and if she thinks that the move is what is best for where we work AND for me? I trust her 100%.

I did however get some painting done this weekend mixed in with watching season 1 of American Horror Story on Netflix. First off: American Horror Story? that show is FUCKED on so many levels but I will say that it seriously kept my interest and sometimes when I watched it, it almost felt like I was watching a movie. The production value on that show is amazing and I typically shy away from blood and gore (although a psychological thriller is one of  my favorites to watch) this was very well done. Now I hope Netflix puts up season 2 soon. It’s one of the few downfalls of not having cable lol. As for my painting – I found myself a little uninspired until today (I am doing my best to not force the creative juices) and eventually I got this idea for a tree on top of a hill with long flowing branches that almost look like hearts on the end. It’s got this pretty dark blue and purple sky with white and yellow stars – and eventually I hope to put one shooting star in there. I might get brave and show you what I have done once I get a little more done with it. It has potential to be good but the inspiration has dissipated so I am leaving it be until the urge strikes again. I must have worked on it for 4 or so hours today (watercolor and acrylic) so I am pretty impressed with myself.

I just got done doing laundry so I am gonna relax on the couch and watch an ep of It’s Always Sunny and crash for the night. Until tomorrow…