rough session…rough day

MB and I had out weekly session today and for some reason it was a rough one. I think the more we dig the more shit we dig up the the harder it is to face. I am working so hard every single day and sometimes it feels like I have made zero progress – it’s so frustrating.

I have spent the past 23+ years angry and hating myself because of what OTHER people put into my head. Now the only problem is that it is now programmed into my head and I can’t seem to turn it off. It plays over and over and the voices are just there constantly feeding into every single ounce of self doubt that I have and no matter how hard I try and combat them I can’t seem to win. I fight and I fight and I fight and I never win.

I told MB today that the never ending cycle of trying to better myself feels like I am a hamster on a wheel. I spin and I spin and I never get anywhere. I’ve done diets upon diets…I’ve done it healthy, I’ve done it not healthy, I’ve done pills and I’ve done gyms and she said “well then what do you think you should do” and I said “get off the fucking wheel.” I was surprised at how quickly I responded to that. I told her I never thought of doing nothing..my life has always felt as though there were limits put on it when it came to my weight and eating. The idea of continuing with cooking, working out on my bike but not putting that pressure on myself to have it “change my life” I dunno…it hit me hard.

MB loves to timeline things out – this is both good and bad for me. Good because I have to face a lot of fucking facts that frankly I wouldn’t be nearly as fucked up as I am right now and bad for the same reasons lol. I can’t blame my mom for it all though – I have to be partially responsible. I could have spoken up sooner, I knew it was wrong to cut, i knew thinking about killing myself was wrong but I never had someone I could reach out to. I have that now and I have people in my life who don’t give a shit about what I weigh, what I look like or what I wear. I have people in my life that just love me for who I am: flaws and all. I can’t even love all the flaws yet and somehow they do. That kind of a gift? that is something that you can’t repay.

Before I leave my sessions MB always asks the same question “can you stay safe until I see you next” and USUALLY I’m pretty quick to say ‘YES’ but today, today she knew I wasn’t myself. I paused for a few seconds and said (not looking at her) “I’m fine” and since MB knows me back from when I was seeing E and doing DBT group she knows “I’m fine” is not really fine. We talked about finding out some health news about my mom and what feelings that brought up for me and the fact that I have my stress test on Friday and she knows how I am struggling with the decision I will eventually be faced with: having an ultrasound to determine my heart valve size or not having it. I thought a LOT of my uncle K today. He was just on my mind. He died so young and I wonder what HE would have done. I miss him so much.

So to avoid all these feelings I came home and ate some dinner – I wasn’t in a real cooking mood so I had just picked up some chicken from the grocery store already cooked. I had an urge to cook a little while ago and so I decided to make little mini apple pies (using a pumpkin pie mold I got from Crate and Barrel) and they actually turned out pretty yummy!!

Before Cooking

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After Cooking

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I think I will have to make these again.

For now I am going to relax and head off to bed. Goodnight all.

and the beat goes on

First I just want to say that my heart goes out to all those in Boston affected by this terrible travesty. I have friends in Boston that are thankfully home safe and sound – prayers and thoughts going out to everyone down there. I have been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to type something and it just feels SO selfish to post about myself right now.

Tonight’s meditation:

Imagine what you want

What do you want? What do you want to create in your life? What situation do you want to live in? Describe the scenario. Imagine it. We can often have what we want, but we rarely take the time to imagine it. And imagination is the first step toward creativity.

What do you want? What would it look like, feel like? Is what you’re working so hard on what you really want? That relationship? That job? That home? If it is, go for it. If it’s not, imagine and create something different.

Begin with imagination. Imagine what you really want in your mind, and you’ve taken the first step toward creating it. If you don’t know what you want, that’s okay too. Ask the universe for help. Ask God and the universe to bring you your highest good.

Ask the universe to help you create exactly what you want and need. Trust the universe, and you will be trusting an honorable and benevolent friend.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

This was a tough day for me. I knew what I needed to do, I knew that it was the RIGHT thing to do but I still worried and worried that I would chicken out.

At first we slipped right into “group” without much word…and I cursed myself thinking I had missed my chance but I didn’t. Yet again I was the only one to show up – for the LAST group – sigh.

I spoke up – I expressed to her my frustrations, my perceptions, my issues with the group but also ways I thought she could make it better in the future.

I told her I was frustrated that it felt like people weren’t taking it seriously – that the lack of structure was what I thought I wanted but in the end something I have learned that I need. I need to be held accountable, I need to feel like people are as invested in it as I am. I also expressed to her that my DBT group and this “mindfulness group” were very different and that just because the skills were still taught doesn’t mean it was the same program and I acknowledge that a lot of my issues stemmed from that. I told her I thought it was important not to miss 5 groups in a row, that my other group had 2 leaders for that purpose (vacations, family emergencies, etc) and so that those of us who really need to work on our interpersonal skills don’t feel left in the lurch so to speak.

It felt GOOD.

She heard me out – she listened and expressed that yes the groups are different, she was glad that I didn’t allow my annoyance and frustration to stop me from going – that I continued to put my recovery first. She told me she wanted the group to not feel like a strict DBT group, more real and more laid back – she felt that the other group I was in (she had a little knowledge about it) almost isolates people and doesn’t allow them to  have times where the skills need to be put to use in the moment. That by not having group (although not intentionally) it gave me the chance to work on my skills to work through it.

She made some good points and in the end I think I was heard enough and that was good enough for me.

It took a LOT out of me today though – it was a BIG step for me…huge actually and as great as I feel about speaking up and feeling like I was heard and that I expressed myself in a direct way without being too aggressive. I just feel emotionally drained.

I came home – I did dishes, made dinner, did more dishes, brought more trash downstairs, cleaned my stove, got lunch ready for tomorrow…and put away all the now clean dishes. It feels productive and even though all I wanted to do was not eat or clean when I got home I forced myself to do it and I am glad I did. Ruby was being so good I even gave her some wet food tonight lol – she is currently asleep on my coffee table 🙂 I think she is loving the clean apartment too 🙂

Goodnight all.

how is it almost Monday already??

Seriously – where in the world does the time go??

So today I hunkered down and cleaned a SHIT ton today. I went out with MM only to go to the store to get new sponges, cleaning supplies and a few other things. She sweetly lent me her swiffer wetjet since I don’t own a mop! Have I mentioned I have some of the most amazing people in my life?? 🙂

I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom, changed the cat litter, I cleaned my art nook, brought 3 bags of trash downstairs, started cleaning my spare room (which I turned into a walk-in closet) and did 3 loads of dishes!! I was super freakin’ productive….as gross as my place looked it felt GOOD to get this place cleaned up…J was right.

Since I spent most of Saturday hanging out with friends and having a good time – I forced myself to stay in today and get this shit done. The kitchen is clearly the room that needs the most attention and I have worked on it a little bit but I need to pace myself with that room. I need to pick up some magic erasers for the stove top but I think in the next few days that room is gonna be so sparkly and I can’t wait.

I am proud that I finally got into a head space where I feel like I can handle all this. It’s hard to describe when I get stressed or in a downward spiral why I don’t clean. Most people view it as me being a slob or lazy and that isn’t the case – when I am down cleaning is the last thing on my mind because I am constantly trying to keep my mind in a place where I don’t self destruct. Yes I am a messy person but in the times of stress and depression staying afloat is what I need to focus on and usually that means cleaning and eating usually are the least of my worries. I am hoping that with setting myself up with a schedule that even when I hit the downward spirals or work becomes overly stressful that I will still DO what needs to be done. I am a work in progress and I need to be okay with whatever small steps I take.

Tonight’s meditation (and I will admit one I struggle with lol):

Relax

Too often out of sheer habit we tighten up, tense up, and then approach life from that stance. When we have something to do, our automatic response may be to tense up – shoulders and neck strained, back bent and cramped, breathing shallow. But anything that needs to be done can be done better if we’re relaxed.

Learn to relax. Program your body, each part of it, to let go and be at ease. Allow yourself to come into your natural posture and alignment. Learn to relax until moving, acting, speaking, being all come naturally from the relaxed place.

Find activities that will help you do this. A hot bath. A steam bath. A massage. Sunning. Walking. Meditating. Teach yourself to become aware of how your body feels during these activities. Memorize that feeling. Practice relaxing until you can recall that memory and carry it throughout the day.

Periodically throughout the day, take a few moments to check your tension level. If you find any part of your body tense, take a few more moments to consciously relax that part. Visualize warmth and ease flooding any part of your body that has become tight or is in pain. Let the tension, the stress, the blocks drain out from top to bottom. Your body wants to relax. It wants to be comfortable. It wants to heal itself.

Empty your mind of tense thoughts, and let it follow your body into relaxation and calm. Allow your mind to become still. Quietly accept each thought, then release it. Breathe in comforting, healing energy. Breathe it into your mind, into each cell of your body. Breathe out stress, strain, discomfort, and fear. Don’t resist what you are feeling or thinking. Acecpt it, then release it. Just as water cannot pass naturally through a pinched hose, your vital life force cannot flow freely through you if you are cramped and tense.

Honor the life force that is in you, that flows through you. Honor it by relaxing, opening to it, and inviting it to surge through your body.

The techniques of relaxation will refresh, restore, and recharge you, so that you can do all you need to do with more power and vigor than before. Anything that needs to be done can be done better if you’re relaxed.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

Relaxing is something that I struggle with on a daily basis and now that M is out for who knows how long I seem to be struggling even more. I got pretty good for awhile being able to shut work off when I got home but lately I think “did I do that”, “shit did I send that email”, “FUCK I forgot to do that” and then I downward spiral into what a shitty job I am doing, that people shouldn’t trust me and that basically I am a waste of space.

I know those aren’t healthy thoughts, I know I do a GREAT job (even more since I have gotten the help that I need) and people respect me and the work I do – so I need to be able find ways to be able to relax, to be able to accept what is going on and then letting it go. This is a piece of DBT that I struggled a lot with: sitting with my feelings and accepting them and then letting them go. I spent my entire life RUNNING from my feelings, running from the emotions and closing myself off to things. Now here I am expected to acknowledge these feelings and emotions and then SIT with them? fuck no…I don’t want to feel them, I don’t want to acknowledge them…I just want them gone but since DBT I actually feel that as hard as it is, this has been one of the most rewarding. I have been able to let things go that I would have held on to for months, I have learned a lot about myself and I think it has been incredibly good for me to be able to find ways to do this.

Relaxation during times of work stress feels SO selfish – like the last thing I need to be doing is relaxing when there is so much shit that has to be done – but I have noticed when I take a few minutes, watch my breath and center myself a little bit I am way more effective and able to handle the surprises that usually pop up. I have to tell myself that relaxation isn’t selfish but that it is IMPORTANT to help me continue to be effective at my job, to help keep my sanity during the crazy times and teach me something that I can learn down the road. As much as I hated not only my first group but this second one as well I know that the skills work and that being borderline doesn’t define me but it IS a part of who I am – I can’t change that, I can’t go back…I need to learn from it, accept it and believe that who I am matters…borderline or not.

communication? what is that?

So I left work early to go to what SHOULD have been my last group. I get there to find out that Dr F had a “miscommunication” with me and she didn’t think I was going to be able to make it today so she scheduled something else. Now explain to me how I am the ONLY member of this group? So I still have ONE “group” session left but everyone else has dropped out so I guess I am not seeing the point. E and I are going to have to talk about it tomorrow.

So we heard from M who let us know her primary care doc won’t let her back until “POSSIBLY” NEXT Tuesday. We were all hoping she was going to be back (at least half days) starting tomorrow. SIGH. I know this is what is best and I know MM, JS and I are able to handle it but still it sucks. I know M feels bad – I know she is so worried about her job, worried about not pulling her weight and when I had to have emergency surgery earlier this year and had to be out I worried about the SAME things so I totally get it. I wish there was something I could say to somehow make things easier on her, to make her understand that her job is safe.

Thankfully today was a lot quieter so I felt like I actually got to catch up on stuff – I FEAR for the rest of the week but what can ya do? You have to just roll with the punches, constantly tell each other how much we appreciate all the work we all do and how awesome we are and vent when we need to, cry if we must and just get the work done. This isn’t the first time we’ve been short staffed and I am sure it won’t be the last time – what I simply LOVE and ADORE that group of girls I work with. I certainly wouldn’t be on the crazy train without them. They brighten up my days, cheer me up during my breakdowns and make me feel like a better person.

I worked out this morning, it had been a few days, so it felt good to be back on my bike and burning calories – I will be back on it tomorrow morning as well. I never used to like working out (and to be honest I still don’t) but I DO like how I feel after I workout, shower and then go to work. It almost gears me up for the day and I enjoy it.

Tonight’s meditation:

Enjoy the Adventure

It was a cold night in Sedona, Arizona. An unexpected snowstorm had passed through the usually warm city, dumping several inches of snow in a short time. The electricity was off. The cabin I was staying in was freezing.

Great, I thought. I get to spend my last evening in Sedona fighting off hypothermia alone in the dark. I put on a heavy sweater, then wrapped myself in a blanket, trudged to a phone booth, and called a friend to complain.

“Change your perspective,” he said. “Pretend you’re four years old. Get your flashlight. Then make a tent in your bed out of all the pillows and blankets you can find. Enjoy the adventure!”

At first I balked, then decided to try this idea. I made the tent. Bundled up. My complaints quickly turned to memories of what it was like to be a child, to play with life, to play with all the experiences life brings. Soon I fell asleep.

When I awoke in the morning, the heat was back on. The lights had returned. The snow had stopped falling. Capped in a frosty layer of white, the breathtaking city of rust-iron mesas looked like a wonderland. I had learned another lesson, practical and simple.

Change your perspective and enjoy the adventure. Let the child in you come out and play.

Taken from ‘Journey from the Heart’

Well how fitting is this today?? Seriously.

Instead of being upset about group being cancelled again I get to be home, watching Ruby play with a battery. Purring and playing. I get to enjoy the beautiful sunshine and warmth sitting in my chair with the windows open. My initial reactions are ALWAYS emotional – I am working so hard at trying to curb it. Dr F wants me to still go to another one even though it would just be a one-on-one session and I think I need to talk with E about it. I have a therapist and the reason I agreed to do the “group” was to keep the skills in mind, to be around other people who have similar issues in the workplace and how they handle it – I’m not saying this was a complete waste of my time but in some ways it does FEEL like it. At this point I DO need to think of my work and the girls I work with – especially with no idea when M is going to be cleared to come back. I will probably end up giving my 4/26 day off back and that is okay – it’s a sacrifice that is needed and I can always take another day off down the road, this was just a random Friday off so I could have a 3 day weekend…not the end of the world. There is a lesson to be learned in every turn of the journey and I just have to remember that the journey doesn’t end, there may be roadblocks, there may be dips, hills and even a few cliffs but I can learn something each time I come across them and learn to continue on my path.

With this group I have learned to appreciate the other group I was in, what I got from it, what I took away from it, what it meant to have a little more structure and to be held accountable for my actions and to take my recovery seriously. It’s not always easy to SEE this right away – took me some time…but I am there. Instead of taking the highway home I went the back way, blaring my Grace Potter & the Nocturnals music, my windows down and breathing in the fresh air – I wouldn’t have done that after group. It was a mini adventure.

Today I learned I am allergic to medical tape (Ruby cut the bejesus out of my arm and so I cleaned it up and used tape to hold down the sterile pad on it. It was hilarious my entire arm was white and itchy – you could see the outline of the tape imprinted on my arm LOL…kinda funny.

exhaustion is my new state of mind

I am still rocking the same migraine I was yesterday….pounding behind my eyes with no relief in sight. When it gets like this at work I have the hardest time being able to manage it because of the florescent lights and constant stress. I have to turn out the lights, I have to put ice on my head…I look like a total freak. I hate the judgments I put on myself when I get like this, it is almost as if I can’t use the skills I have because I am so exhausted, so sore and so overwhelmed.

I had my session with E today, she was worried about all the drinking that I did this past weekend. In the past I have used alcohol as an escape from my depression, used it to curb my social anxiety and all around just used it to numb myself but that hasn’t been the case for a long time. I actually had fun this past weekend, I actually felt like people WANTED to hang out with me but I understood where E was coming from – I may not use it to numb myself but I still need to be careful that I don’t use it as a crutch to get through my social anxiety.

With M still being off – it has been so fuckin’ crazy at work. 3 of us doing the work of 4 (maybe even 5) and we are all starting to lose it a little with stress. JS (I work with a couple J’s and a couple M’s lol) was having a mini breakdown in her office over stress, MM is trying to keep it together and I was falling apart in my office. We are hitting our max and E asked how long I could sustain this and I said a week at the most…It’s just so much. I hadn’t eaten since 6 pm last night! I got up, went to work, had some diet pepsi and that was it. No food. Clocked out for lunch but totally worked through it to feel like I was accomplishing something. I came home, ate some ramen noodles and then have been crying for most of the night in hopes to release my migraine. I finally talked with J a little bit via email…I feel bad I just wish there was more I could do to help.

ugh enough about me…onto tonight’s nightly meditation.

Value your connection to creativity

Creativity is a force – a living, real force. It’s the power of love, the power of life, a gift of the Divine. You’re connected to that force.

Open up your creative powers – in work, in play, in love. Make creations that are beautiful to look at. Make creations you like to see, creations that are pleasing to you. Creativity comes in many forms – cooking, decorating, speaking, drawing, writing, or building a castle in the sand at the beach. How you choose to create is up to you.

“I used to love taking pictures when I was a child,” one man said. “The one day, in a rage, my father smashed my camera to the floor. He told me taking pictures was nonsense. It was twenty years before I let myself take a picture again. Now, I can’t stop.”

Who told you you weren’t creative? Stand tall, speak up, and tell them they’re wrong. Own your creative powers. Allow your creativity to heal and flourish.

Value your connection to creativity. Value the way you choose to express your creative power. It’s your expression of love.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I actually really like this meditation. I feel like with art I have found a creative release. I find myself doodling, thinking about new paintings, what I can create….shit…I was supposed to make a coaster for my sister to see if she wants to give them out as favors at her pre wedding celebration (she doesn’t want a “wedding shower” ) and I am seeing her tomorrow…FUCK. Now I can’t go to bed. Okay….letting it go….This will be a chance to work out come creative energy, to try something new.

well I am off to make the coaster…maybe I will share a pic of them later 🙂

EDITED TO SHOW PIC:

coasters

They are SUPER simple to make. Now to find out if my sister wants to make like 80 of them as favors LOL. I am sure the design will be different – this was just a sample to see if she would like it and if I could make them 🙂

life moves pretty fast…

I couldn’t get my mind to slow down at all today and by 2 o’clock I was rocking an INSANE migraine. It had been a while since having one this bad – I know it is because I feel like no matter how much work I am doing that I just can’t keep up. M is still off and will be until at LEAST next Tuesday 😦 So I am just plugging along, doing my work and keeping up the best I can.

I know M is having a really hard time being out of work – I totally and fully understand it since I can hardly go a day without checking my work email, worrying about my piles of work and since I am a workaholic I wish I could do something to help make M feel better about being stuck at home. M and I don’t have the greatest relationship, she and I have butted heads a bunch in the past, but I know how much it sucks and I wish there was something I could do or say to help make it easier for her.

I talked with E today about my “group” session yesterday and explained that I totally chickened out and didn’t confront Dr. F about the lack of structure, the lack of communication even though I really wanted to. FEAR. I still have so much fear inside myself and as much progress as I have made I still have SO much to go. Sometimes I really wish my recovery was going faster, that I was able to deal with things better and when those judgments come up I have to remind myself that this isn’t a race, that my recovery will be what it will be and I need to just be patient with myself.

I took a chance and emailed J letting her know I am worried about her – she hasn’t been herself lately and I know when I get into moods that sometimes it helps me to have someone be honest and tell me when I am not  myself. Sometimes I don’t even know it and sometimes I do but get so STUCK in a cycle and having someone who I trust and care about to give me a dose of reality helps. I hope she takes it for what it is – a friend who cares.

Discover the power of Meditation

I saw Spirit Rock Center, a meditation center, as I drove along the highway in Northern California. I turned into the parking lot and watched as people moved about the grounds very slowly. They were practicing a walking meditation.

Meditation teaches us to relax, to connect with our body, to let spirit and body become one. Many of us spent years abandoning ourselves, our emotions, and our bodies. We’ve been present for others, and now is the time for us to stay present for ourselves, fully and completely.

Mediation helps us leave our routine for a bit and slow down. We deliberately exhale stress, tension and fear. Then we inhale light, beauty, peace, and love. We slow our minds and slow our bodies until we reach that quiet place. Meditation can renew us and help us return to our lives refreshed.

Meditate. Take time to inhale peace and exhale fear. Then take your meditation back to your life. Walk slowly. Stay present for yourself, more fully and completely than ever before. You too can turn your life into a walking, waking, deliberate meditation.

Excerpt taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I actually like this one. I like the idea of breathing in the light and breathing out the negative. There are so many times in my life that I wish I could apply this more. I always used to consider meditation some sort of Eastern religion mumbo jumbo but I was so so SO wrong. I love when I am able to clear my mind and fully be present. It’s rare for me to be able to find a practice that I can enjoy and that works. I still have a migraine but I took some time to be fully in the moment, I tried to breathe in the positive and breathe out of the negative and it feels good to let go of the things I don’t need clogging up my brain right now. Letting go of the mistakes I made during the day, letting go of the judgments that I am not good enough, that my best isn’t good enough and letting go of the idea that I have to be the best, that I need to do more.

I think a little TV and then an early bedtime for this gal tonight…I’ve earned it.

and the beat goes on

So another Monday passes, a crazy busy day and I had to leave early to go to group. I get there…and I am the ONLY one who shows up. Can you believe that? like is this some terrible April Fools joke? No? ok, seriously why is it that I seem to be the only one who is invested in this group? It is frustrating to feel like the other people in the group don’t take it nearly as serious as I do. I WANTED to share my feelings with Dr. F but I totally wussed out. E is going to totally give me crap for it tomorrow when I call her but I was hoping if someone else could have been there it wouldn’t have been as awkward to tell her how annoyed I am with the group as a whole and the structure of it. Now she wants to extend it but honestly the point of me to go is to go to an actual structured group – I don’t need more one on one therapy. I need to work with E to figure out the best way to approach it.

Work was pretty busy today and I so wish I could shut off my brain. It is so hard when we are down a person to leave work at work – I constantly find myself wondering “did I do that?”, “did I take care of that?” and hoping that I didn’t miss something major. I can’t wait till M is able to be back at work because it has been hard being short-staffed again. And to hear some of the other people in the department talk about being on break or being bored…it drives me batshit crazy. We are constantly SO busy (even when we AREN’T down a person and it is so obnoxious to hear others complain about being bored).

I got some GREAT feedback on my newest piece today – I love how different people see different things. It makes me feel proud and good about the work I have done. I should mention I did workout on the bike this morning – I can’t wait till the days get warmer so on the weekends I can road run so next time I attempt to do a 5K I will actually maybe be able to keep up with my friends LOL. There is talk of doing another one in the summer – it kinda has me excited. Not because the fact that it is a 5K but because people actually want to hang out with me, that people come up to me and want to know if I will do something with them. My entire life I was constantly changing to fit my surroundings in hopes of being accepted and always feeling rejected and the fact that now that I am learning to just BE – people WANT to hang out with me. It’s a pretty cool feeling – it makes me feel like I matter, that people care about me.

Learn to Clear Your Path

I met a woman at the mineral springs in Ojo Caliente, New Mexico. She had a gentle, open way. She talked to me about rituals, about miracles, about changed. “My husband and I badly wanted a child, but I couldn’t get pregnant,” she said. “One night, I decided to go to a mikvah, a Jewish ritual bath. My decision felt powerful. But every obstacle you could imagine happened when I tried to get there. I could barely get out of my house. Then when I did, I got lost and had to go back home for direction. When I finally got to the bath, it was just beginning, but I knew I needed to be there. The night was electric. The air felt as if it were charged with lightning. It was a full moon. I went through the ritual and returned home. That night, my daughter was conceived. She’s now seven years old.”

There are often obstacles on our path. Roadblocks, barricades, detours. Things go over, around, or under. Sometimes, the roadblocks are telling us no, this door isn’t opening. Find another way. Other times the roadblocks are telling us that the road we have chosen is very special. If we want to go down it, we will have to try. We will have to focus. We will have to muster our energy and show the world how badly we want it. We will have to overcome each and every obstacle, one by one, as they appear.

What do you want badly? Are you willing to go through an obstacle course, if need be, to achieve it? Are you willing to be tested by the universe? Are you willing to focus, push forward, do the distance?

Sometimes, the road ahead is blocked, but clearing the way becomes a part of our journey. Learn to tell when it’s time to let go, to surrender, to search for another road, a different path, another dream. But also learn to tell when it’s time to move forward, through obstacles if need be, because the dream is electric, charged by Divine energy and love.

Taken from ‘Journey from the Heart’ – by Melody Beattie

I think there is a lot I can learn from tonight’s meditation. I have finally learned that I am strong enough to clear my own path, to handle whatever obstacles are thrown my way and that I always have my friends by my side to help me when I don’t think I can do it myself. How lucky am I to have found the family that I always wanted, that I always needed to help me finally discover who I am. When you spend a fair amount of your life wishing you were dead the concept that people love and care about you is so hard to wrap your head around, when you think no matter how hard you try that you will never get further down the path…there is always a way. That is what I have learned.

I do need to work more on leaning when to let go, I have been working on that a lot and some things are easier to let go then others. I am so blessed to have people in my life who are constantly so patient as I learn to grow and change as I manage my borderline. My entire life has been made better by the people who have given me the space I’ve needed to push forward and clear my path, having them in my life has shown me an entirely new side of life, of the meaning of the words friendship and family. I am exhausted and I think it is time for me to go to bed but I just wanted to share something I found online:

I take NO credit for the following photo – it was taken from HERE

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This is what gets me through the hard times, this is what helps me clear my path. The family I have chosen, the family that chose me. To them I owe so much, to them I owe my life

fears, tears and anxiety galore…

Today was complete and total shit…it didn’t start out that way but it sure as hell ended like it. I had my weekly session with E today. Things were going okay up until the point where we started talking about how she is leaving and I will need to transition to a new therapist. This other therapist, M, is one I know from group but I also know that she puts a lot of restrictions on patients that she takes – I asked E “If I go to M will she MAKE me do group again” she said she didn’t know but that it was her recommendation that I do the 40 week DBT group again. I told her I hadn’t made up my mind about group again, that I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it – she kept pushing me and pushing me. I finally asked her a question that I did NOT want the answer too:

Me: If you weren’t leaving and recommended I do group and I chose not to do it, would you drop me as a client.

E: Yes.

That was it. The wall was up, I couldn’t hold back the tears any more. I have worked SO hard to take charge of my life, take my recovery into my own hands and yet I don’t feel any of the choices have TRULY been mine. I did the first group because E wanted me to, I did the newest group because E told me it was for the best and all the while I have been feeling like my voice isn’t being heard; that what *I* want or think doesn’t matter.

When I got back from the session from hell all I wanted was to collapse and cry and have someone tell me that I mattered, that how I wanted to live my life and how I chose to approach MY recovery they supported. I don’t know if I will do the group again, I don’t know if I will continue therapy when E leaves but I do know that I want the decisions to be MINE, I want to feel that I weigh all the pros and cons, I want to feel that I thought it out completely, I want to feel that I CHOSE my path – I don’t want to feel that I did it for someone else. I don’t want to feel that I am letting others (including myself down) by compromising again.

I wish I knew how to feel in moments like these, I wish there was a magic button or cure to make the tears stop, to make the shit slow down…but there isn’t I just have to ride the fucking wave until it passes….

Today’s meditation/reflection

Discover New Beliefs

The drive from Zion National Park to Bryce Canyon in Utah was a short one. I had traveled the same route several times. At a certain pass, no matter how sunny the day and cloudless the sky, it was raining there every time. Although it was hard to see, a small dark cloud seemed to hang over this one particular place, this one area of the road, all the time.

It may be like that in a particular area in our lives. A certain belief seems almost stuck to us, stuck to one area of our lives, and no matter how sunny the rest of the drive is, it’s raining there all the time. What cloud is hanging over you? Could it be one you’re helping to create?

Some beliefs – my choices are wrong, I made bad decisions, I’m wrong – can create a dark heaviness that hangs over us like a cloud. Those beliefs may be so subtle we don’t notice them. What we do notice is the lingering pain or anxiety, a cloud that seems to follow us around. What we don’t see is that we’re helping create and maintain our own could with these beliefs.

The lesson may no be to make better decisions or be a better person. The lesson may be much simpler: change your beliefs. Make some new decisions. Let yourself discover some new, better, sunnier beliefs about yourself and your life. All yourself to believe that the decisions you make are fine.

Who you are is okay. You always have been.

from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

My Reflection:

This is me flipping off this fucking meditation. Maybe it was fate I read it but honestly I am too tired from crying, too tired from this day, week, month to fight the honesty in this reading. My entire life feels like a black cloud – why can’t the path of my recovery be as beautiful as the yellow brick road? why is it that the wicked witch lives in my own head, that I feel like I am lost in the forest far more then skipping through the poppy patch? I just want to feel happiness. I want to feel the sun upon my face, I don’t want to feel like I am drowning in the dark heaviness. Why is it so hard for me? why?

artistic expression

ART3

(2013 – BorderlineMusings)

So this is the piece that I have been working on for the past few days. Be gentle lol but I would love any and all feedback/criticism on what might make it better 🙂 I’ve got SOOOOO much left to do with it but I actually think it has real potential to be awesome. You can’t really see all the tiny tiny details I have spent hours doing but believe me it is there 🙂

I have had a pretty good couple of days – I had group yesterday and there were only 3 of us so again I couldn’t shy away from sharing but this time I didn’t mind it as much and it was okay. I have to admit doing this other group is a great chance to keep practicing the skills and have an outlet to bounce thoughts and ideas off of other people who are similar to myself. Plus it is always nice to see how someone else handles things and see if there is a way to apply what they have done to my own situations (or things to avoid in my own situations). We talked about how I used ‘non judgmental stance’ in the past week and I really had a chance to use it this weekend as I contemplated the possible change with my job and how it was so nice to look at the facts and not let my emotions get in the way – that by being able to do this I was actually able to find the positive in the situation which I never ever would have found 6 months ago.

I think this is the longest time I have gone without falling down the rabbit hole – I tend to have a week or so of “good” days and then I crash and when I crash…I crash HARD. I feel clear, awake and dare I say…alive? Very rare for me and things at work are going okay. My boss checked in with 2 of my co-workers and they said that it was like a 360 – that I am doing amazing (inter-personally) and that they are thrilled that I am finding my balance. It was nice to hear such positive feedback so soon and it also shows me the amount of work that goes into constantly checking myself (and how fucking exhausting it is) is paying off and working. THAT is what makes me happy – that the work I am doing on myself is actually showing some slight results. Now don’t get me wrong I know this won’t be how it ALWAYS is but a part of my journey is instead of worrying about when the crash will be I want to enjoy the good while I can. This is far, far harder than I thought it was going to be when I made the commitment to myself but this outlook I think is helping in my mood (well that and the prozac I am actually remembering to take).

I will also say I have become addicted to Homeland and Breaking Bad (as if I needed another TV show to get into) but Homeland actually shows a character that suffers from a mental illness (bi-polar disorder I believe) and although I haven’t seen enough episodes to know if it is being done in a positive light vs a negative light but I think having mental illness being portrayed is a great step forward and I hope that more and more shows choose to bring mental illness to the forefront and instead of making those who suffer from it out to be “bad guys” or “the crazies” but strong, smart and independent will help begin to eliminate the stigma of mental illness.

Well off to work more on my painting 🙂 Have a wonderful night (or day wherever you are) everyone!