and so the weekend comes to an end

I have spent most of my weekend relaxing and watching Dexter – a friend recommended that I check the show out and of course they were totally right and I am now addicted. Only 7 seasons behind lol…luckily I have caught up a lot this weekend so I am onto season 6 🙂 This was the first weekend in awhile that I didn’t have a social life – I never imagined that I would have a social life at all lol but it was odd not to having SOMETHING planned this weekend. I have to admit I have mixed emotions about it. One the one hand I loved it because I got to be lazy, un-showered and got to do whatever I felt like but on the other hand I missed the interaction with another person. Such an odd sense of feeling for me, I’ll probably need more time to actually process that one ha.

I sit in my living room now after just picking up my laundry from the dryer at the laundromat (I thought moving home I would be able to avoid this part but sadly my apartment building doesn’t have washer/dryer) sipping on an iced vanilla chai with the cool breeze coming through my window and feeling a sense of peace. Odd isn’t it? to think of peace as simple as something as clean laundry and a cool breeze. Somehow it feels comfortable…today I feel 100% at home.

today’s meditation:

Discover inspiration points

Sometimes, we become so caught up in the daily grind that we forget how much beauty and inspiration our world offers. We forget about the power of inspiration.

My favorite inspiration point in Colorado is a small stand next to the Royal George Bridge, the highest suspension bridge in the world. The stand overlooks the gorge, offering a magnificent overview of canyons, mountains, peaks, and plains. In Bryce Canon, the place called inspiration point overlooks massive canyons. From that vantage point, you can see delicately shaped spirals, in the orange iron color so prominent in the canyon, surrounded by the lighter sandstone and sulfur peaks.

What inspires you? Discover inspiration points – those high places of the spirit from which you can see more, see more clearly, see more beautifully. Spend time taking in the grander view of life. See how calming and inspiring it is. See how you return to life with vigor, enthusiasm, and passion.

Visit places that invigorate your soul, help you see the larger picture. Find places in your home, your community, your state. Look for that place in yourself, that sacred inspiration point within you, where your soul and heart see the larger picture, where you and your ideas come to life, where you make the connection between your soul and the world around you. Seek the power of inspiration.

Inspiration points abound. Open up. Look around. When you seek inspiration, it will come to you.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

Lately I have begun to find inspiration differently than before. Well, maybe not differently but just more aware of the inspiration…like my eyes are more open to it all. All of my senses are taking it all in. The cool breeze, the colors of summer, the squirrels, the trees, the flowers, the smells…I see it all, I feel it now.

I think that is one of the major differences than before. That I can feel it, taste it, see it and hear it. I am fully experiencing the inspiration around me.

A year ago I was still closed off and in closing myself off from the world I also closed off the part of me that could see the beauty and inspiration that is all around. Somehow it just seems so much sadder to look back now in thinking that I was some way protecting myself when really…it was the opposite. I never knew how to be, how to grow, how to act, how to respond. I hide from those things or at least I used to.

Today is mother’s day. I called my mom and wished her a happy mother’s day but I can’t call on the one person whom I always considered a mother and so today isn’t without some sadness but I am taking in the comfort that maybe, just maybe, B is watching down from Heaven and smiling at me. I may not have been her blood but blood doesn’t make a family and I am learning to understand that and find peace in it.



cleaning and organizing

Man oh man does my apartment need to be scrubbed down and cleaned.

When I am depressed or stressed cleaning is the last thing I worry about but when I am finally in the right head space I find myself  completely overwhelmed all over again when I realize how much cleaning I need to do. You’d think since I have a pretty small apartment and I live by myself that it couldn’t get THAT messy but believe me it can and does get that messy.

Tomorrow before I head off to my friend S’s I will do the dishes and take out the trash and get myself organized. I love my apartment – I have never lived on my own before and this is the perfect space for me – there is an art nook and I am on the top floor of this old Victorian house…I walked in and KNEW it had to be mine. Nobody in my biological family seems to understand the appeal of me living here – my sister keeps trying to convince me to move back home and “how could I give up living in a house with a fireplace” but the truth is my childhood home holds a lot of shitty memories for me and frankly I don’t think I could have made it this far on my recovery path if I was still living there. I get to come home every single night to a place I love, to a place I decorated, to a place where I feel safe…I can’t ask for more then that.

I am trying so hard to keep my eyes open right now as I type this…I am so ready for bed but I still want to get more done so that way tomorrow I am not overwhelmed with crap. There was a moment today where I just felt completely at peace with where I am at – it is hard to describe in words but I felt whole. I will have to meditate on it a bit and write more at another time.

For now I leave you with tonight’s meditation:

Open yourself to the wealth of the universe

We all have sources we turn to for support. We may turn to special people in our lives – family members, friends, a lover. We may turn to nature – the mountains, trees, oceans, rivers, sun, moon, and stars. But we no longer have to limit ourselves to just one person, one source for love, energy, comfort, and guidance.

Certain people come into our lives for a short while to help us through particular times. Other people come to stay for a longer time. Sometimes we love people and are so deeply committed to them that they will be sources of energy and love for us, and we for them, for most of our lives. That’s good. That’s how it should be.

But while it’s good to have people who are special sources of support for us, allowing one person to be our sole support can mean trouble. We may begin to drain that person. We may become overly dependent. He or she may move away from us. Or we may become angry, as we usually do, at whomever or whatever we are dependent on. For many reasons, we may find ourselves in conflict with the one we have deemed our source. Something may happen that causes our source to no longer be available to us. Its important to be conscious of what our needs are and to get our needs met. But it’s also important not to make one person responsible for doing that.

Open to a large, more abundant source. That source is God. And God’s supply is the universe. When we look to God and the universe, we open ourselves to a never-ending supply of what we need – love, energy, teaching, support, information, guidance, and nurturing. Certain people and places may help us along our way, but God is our source for love.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’