The end isn’t always the end…

Tomorrow is the big day – my LAST official session with E.

I, for the first time in my life, completed a task that was super important to me for someone else. I finished E’s painting, matted and framed it. I PRAY she likes it.

Effiefinal1

It’s hard to see in the picture but the color of the mat is a deep purple color – it helps bring out the purple in the sky and the colors in the shading on the petals.

I’m happy with how it looks. I’ve never really been happy with anything I’ve done…at least not happy enough to frame and give to someone as important to me as E. Don’t get me wrong I’ve given J tons of my stuff but I’ve never done something specifically for someone else…it’s extraordinarily personal.

Anyways…I will let you know what she says after my session with her…my last session 😦 The daily meditation for yesterday July 13th

See the snow on the Desert

I drove through Arizona’s petrified forest, a land where dinosaurs once roamed, then headed across the painted desert. A light dusting of snow covered the sane and shrubs. I felt both awe and surprise at the scene nature had created.

Nature does many things. Tornadoes blow across the land. Hurricanes pound the shores. Bolts of lightning streak through the sky. Dust storms fill the air. Nature petrifies wood, turning tress into beautiful crystal rocks, glowing with brilliant red and orange fossilized patterns. Nature takes centuries to carve bridges out of stone, using only wings and rains and the flow of water from other rocks. And sometimes, she puts snow on the forest.

Many things happen in our lives. Some of them are probable, consequential. Some of them are fluke and seem to come out of the blue, from nowhere. All the events work into a pattern, helping to create us, create our path through life, create our destiny. Sometimes we’re influenced greatly by a traumatic storm. Other times seemingly chance occurrences can change the entire pattern and course of our lives.

We don’t have to understand everything. Maybe we aren’t supposed to. We don’t have to be prepared for all the storms. Sometimes the greatest learning occurs when we’re caught off guard, by surprise.

Weather the storms. Let them pass. Keep your balance, as best you are able. Remember to be flexible and sway with the winds like the tall tress in the forest. Trust the flukes, too, those moments when it snows on the desert. Let destiny have its way with you.

Well if this isn’t EXACTLY what I needed to read.

E was my snow on the desert.

It wasn’t going to be there forever but the time it was there was wonderful.

She taught me to look outside the box, she taught me how to react and communicate with people better.

Her time in my life was for a reason.

She was here to teach me something just as my friendship with J, MM and JS have taught me.

I don’t know what the future holds but I whatever it is I will get through it: the good, the bad and the ugly.

I know I will get through it because of the friendships I have now and because I have the skills E taught me (and that will stay with me).

Tomorrow is going to be extremely difficult emotionally but I will get through it.

Advertisements

ch-ch-ch-changes

Clear the path to your heart

I watched Old Faithful from my window. The geyser gurgles and spewed a low layer of steam. Then true to its name, Old Faithful erupted and sprayed thousands of gallons of steaming water into the air. Right on time.

A full range of gurgling emotions, reactions, and responses to life line the pathway to the heart. We need to feel them all – anger, hurt, sadness, irritations – in order to feel joy. To experience life and all its wonders, we must embrace all these feelings.

We need to experience the little angers as well as the big hurts, the painful wounds that life sometimes brings. To insist that we will only feel pleasant emotions means we’re blocking the pathway to the heart. We’re ignoring all the other gurgling emotions that need to be felt.

All our emotions are important; all need to be recognized. The energy of each needs to be acknowledged and released. This clears the way for love. All the emotions that precede love clear the heart so it’s pure and free to feel joy.

Trust your emotions. All of them. You’re not off the path. They lead to the path you’re seeking. They are the journey to the heart. Let them flow freely. And sure as Old Faithful, your heart will come gleaming, shining through.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I wonder about this sometimes. I wonder why I have such a hard time allowing myself to feel all the emotions and why I let myself be angry when I feel the ones I don’t want to feel.
I spent a fair amount of time with E today talking about my progress.
I have learned a LOT in the past year – I have done a TON of work on myself.
I am learning how to adapt and adjust in times of change.
I am learning how to listen to myself (and my body).
I am learning how to ask for help and admitting that I can’t ALWAYS “do it all”.
And while I learn these things I also learn that it is OKAY.

Radical acceptance that there are a lot of things I cannot change – things that are just out of my control.
I need to find ways to adapt and adjust and I AM doing that now.
I am learning how to speak up and communicate in the proper ways.
I am learning how to BE.

Monday is my last session.
I know that I am ready for the next chapter – she referred to it as me “graduating” to a more intense therapy.
She thinks I am ready too.
I am nervous, excited, scared and sad about it.
I wish she didn’t have to leave but I KNOW that she is going to go off and do amazing things and help lots of people just like me.
I am grateful to have her in my life.

We talked about how “ending” relationships are different for me now.
How now I am allowing myself to see the lessons in the relationships and not just the negative.
We talked about S & K (two past friendships that ended very badly) and how I closed myself off so much and by doing so I also closed off the good memories.
By putting up the walls that I did I didn’t allow myself to look back and see all that I learned from them – I denied myself that opportunity because I thought I was protecting myself.
I’m not doing that this time…and that is a big step for me.

We talked about how much time I spend at J’s place and how I feel so at peace there.
She suggested that I bring a digital recorder and record some of the sounds so I can incorporate them into my “meditation time”. The sounds of nature, the river, the birds, the breeze…it all feels so comfortable to me…so peaceful, like time stands still.
And I thought that was a GREAT idea so I have asked J if I can do this. I hope she says yes but will completely understand if she says no.

I think I am allowing my sadness of E leaving to be projected onto my painting for her. I hate so much how it looks right now.
I will still be giving it to her, framing it and in our last session we are going to have cupcakes and “create”.
She asked me what I wanted to do and I said that “art” was something that was really important to me and I wanted to share it with her.
She is stepping outside her “box” for it so that makes me kind of smile 🙂

I know it’s worth the fight

I have Grace Potter ‘Can’t See Through” lyrics running through my head. Sometimes when lyrics get stuck in my head I hate it – I can’t figure out how or why they are there. I think these lyrics are incredibly appropriate for today and where I am at in my journey:

I’m not quite broken but I’m not quite right
But I keep on going ’cause I think it’s worth the fight

And if you aren’t familiar with Grace Potter you really should be. I have seen her perform live and she is just…ENERGY. Below is the official video for “The Lion, The Beast and The Beat” – watch it, you will be happy you did.

 

So I got my ass handed to me at work today. Do you ever feel like no matter how much you do you feel like you haven’t accomplished a damn thing? That was my entire day basically from the moment I got in until the moment I left. I hate those kinds of days. I felt GOOD about what I had accomplished however I find it hard to actually celebrate those moments because I am worried about when it is all going to blow up in my face, when the other shoe is going to drop.

M is cleared to come back to work full time on Monday – if I’m honest I don’t have a lot of confidence in it but it is out of my hands and out of my control. I need to worry about my work and now that she is back she will have the be responsible for whatever mistakes she makes and I need to let go of the fact that MM, JS and I spent months doing her job and just go about it all like she never hit her head. It is FAR easier said than done.

I actually have plans this weekend and I am looking forward to them. I have such incredible friends and people in my life. How and when did I get to be so lucky? Can you believe a year ago I wanted to kill myself? It’s strange to think about…it’s not that I don’t think about it anymore because I do. I think the difference is that now even though the thoughts are there I know that they don’t control me anymore.

Today’s meditation:

You’re right where you need to be

You’re right where you need to be – on your path, guided, in just the right place for you today.

Many times on my journey I stopped short, convinced I would never find the place I was trying to find, only to discover that it was right in front of me all the time. I had gone there instinctively. Gone right where I needed to go, right where I was heading.

There is a part of us that knows where we need to be and understands where we really want to go. There’s a place in us that has the map, even if our eyes and conscious mind can’t see it, can’t figure it out, or aren’t certain it’s there.

If you’re spinning in circles, feeling lost and confused, trying to figure out where you need to be and not all that certain where you’re going, stop. Breathe deeply. Look around.

You’re right where you need to be. Maybe you’ve been there all along.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

WOW.

Intense stuff but so very very true.

Thinking about my journey a lot lately. Thinking about where I was, where I’ve been and where I am going. The people who have been on my journey (those who are still there and those who have gone) and I feel at peace. It’s not total happiness yet – but it’s a place where I am learning to feel the good as well as the bad. It’s the most I have felt alive in my entire life. It isn’t always simple and easy but there is a lot to be said for the comfort of this kind of stability.

I owe so much to E and the girls. They have been such a driving force in my recovery.

 

 

 

and the beat goes on

First I just want to say that my heart goes out to all those in Boston affected by this terrible travesty. I have friends in Boston that are thankfully home safe and sound – prayers and thoughts going out to everyone down there. I have been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to type something and it just feels SO selfish to post about myself right now.

Tonight’s meditation:

Imagine what you want

What do you want? What do you want to create in your life? What situation do you want to live in? Describe the scenario. Imagine it. We can often have what we want, but we rarely take the time to imagine it. And imagination is the first step toward creativity.

What do you want? What would it look like, feel like? Is what you’re working so hard on what you really want? That relationship? That job? That home? If it is, go for it. If it’s not, imagine and create something different.

Begin with imagination. Imagine what you really want in your mind, and you’ve taken the first step toward creating it. If you don’t know what you want, that’s okay too. Ask the universe for help. Ask God and the universe to bring you your highest good.

Ask the universe to help you create exactly what you want and need. Trust the universe, and you will be trusting an honorable and benevolent friend.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

This was a tough day for me. I knew what I needed to do, I knew that it was the RIGHT thing to do but I still worried and worried that I would chicken out.

At first we slipped right into “group” without much word…and I cursed myself thinking I had missed my chance but I didn’t. Yet again I was the only one to show up – for the LAST group – sigh.

I spoke up – I expressed to her my frustrations, my perceptions, my issues with the group but also ways I thought she could make it better in the future.

I told her I was frustrated that it felt like people weren’t taking it seriously – that the lack of structure was what I thought I wanted but in the end something I have learned that I need. I need to be held accountable, I need to feel like people are as invested in it as I am. I also expressed to her that my DBT group and this “mindfulness group” were very different and that just because the skills were still taught doesn’t mean it was the same program and I acknowledge that a lot of my issues stemmed from that. I told her I thought it was important not to miss 5 groups in a row, that my other group had 2 leaders for that purpose (vacations, family emergencies, etc) and so that those of us who really need to work on our interpersonal skills don’t feel left in the lurch so to speak.

It felt GOOD.

She heard me out – she listened and expressed that yes the groups are different, she was glad that I didn’t allow my annoyance and frustration to stop me from going – that I continued to put my recovery first. She told me she wanted the group to not feel like a strict DBT group, more real and more laid back – she felt that the other group I was in (she had a little knowledge about it) almost isolates people and doesn’t allow them to  have times where the skills need to be put to use in the moment. That by not having group (although not intentionally) it gave me the chance to work on my skills to work through it.

She made some good points and in the end I think I was heard enough and that was good enough for me.

It took a LOT out of me today though – it was a BIG step for me…huge actually and as great as I feel about speaking up and feeling like I was heard and that I expressed myself in a direct way without being too aggressive. I just feel emotionally drained.

I came home – I did dishes, made dinner, did more dishes, brought more trash downstairs, cleaned my stove, got lunch ready for tomorrow…and put away all the now clean dishes. It feels productive and even though all I wanted to do was not eat or clean when I got home I forced myself to do it and I am glad I did. Ruby was being so good I even gave her some wet food tonight lol – she is currently asleep on my coffee table 🙂 I think she is loving the clean apartment too 🙂

Goodnight all.

Everywhere. Everyone. Everything. Ends.

This is the tagline for Season 5 of Six Feet Under – and if you haven’t watched the series I won’t spoil anything for you but O.M.G was the ending just perfect. Some series stay on forever and don’t end when they should….SFU ended at the perfect time and it was done so brilliantly.

It was so great to have a show that showed the nitty gritty of life AND death. I know vampires and shit are big right now and zombies but a show about a family who owns a funeral business? Most could view that as morbid but in actuality it was about bringing the reality of death to life and a reminder that you need to love the ones in your life, tell them when you can and embrace the uniqueness that we each have inside of us.

Each character had quirks and differences and no matter the subject matter it was tackled – death, suicide, drugs, alcohol, therapy, bi-polar, borderline personality, ECT treatments, adultery, miscarriage….and not only was it tackled but it was handled in such an incredible way. It was believable which is one of the things I think that made this show so great. They put death in the spotlight – instead of hiding the emotions surrounding death, hiding away the sadness and anger that are mixed up in a persons death but made you confront it. See it. Face it.

Powerful, powerful stuff for me. Maybe not everyone will have gotten what I got out of the show but honestly I felt like this hybrid of Claire and Brenda. The creative energy, the artistic side of Claire is how I would love to think of myself but I have the insecurities of both her and Brenda – about my life, my job, my talents and my body. Brenda was borderline and as she would act out and self destruct it was so easy to relate to her – although her form of self destruction was sex with random strangers and mine was cutting – I understood the place it was coming from. It was easy to relate to show because I could relate to so many of the characters – Sarah, Ruth’s sister, was this incredible character portrayed by Patricia Clarkson, was this incredible free spirit and how I wished I could live my life (minus the drug addiction) just totally immersed in the land, in art, fully present in life.

I spent the last 2 episodes of the series bawling my eyes out. I recommend it to anyone who enjoys a great show with an incredible cast.

Tonight’s meditation

What are you resisting most?

Be open to the whole journey, all parts of it.

Is there a feeling, a person, a thought, a project that you have been avoiding? Is there some part of your life that you’re refusing to deal with or open up to? Is there something you’re resisting, something that makes you stubbornly say no? Ignore the voice that says, This is how I decided it will be, so I will close off to that part; I will not consider it. That is the voice of resistance.

Be open to everything. Your most valuable lessons may well come from the things you’re resisting most.

Taken from ‘Journey From the Heart’

Holy shit was this just a shot of truth for me. I have been so closed off for so long that it’s been nice to open myself up to people, let down the walls. If I hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have gotten help, if I hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have been able to trust J enough to give her my last blade. I have been so closed off that I forgot what it felt like to just…be. I’m actually not sure that I ever had the chance to know who I was before. I resist things so often and I need to learn how to let things go, to not be dragged down.

When did life get so complicated? Was I born borderline? What is going to happen when E leaves? These are all things that stay on my mind constantly and what I worry about – why do I hold onto them? Why do I think having the answers will somehow make things easier? I’m not so sure that having those answers WILL make anything easier – what’s the point? *sigh*

Man the quote at the end is just stuck inside my head. I think I need to meditate on it more and get some sleep. I actually spent a lot of time crying today and it has worn me out. Puffy faced and all I think I need to curl into bed and be thankful I am alive, have my health and have amazing people in my life and tomorrow I will tell them.

 

a weekend of fun

It’s so funny that less then a week ago I was in the middle of a meltdown of epic proportions. These borderline mood swings are exhausting to say the least. In time I think the riding of the waves will get easier and this break in mood came quicker then the last time so maybe that is progress.

I woke up this morning with full intention of working out lol but decided I didn’t feel like it 🙂 I will be up at 5:30 in the morning to get back on the bike before work. Last night I became so overcome with my painting when I woke up I wanted to continue to work on it. I honestly am loving the way it turned out. I have decided to entitle it “Down the Rabbit Hole”.

Down The Rabbit Hole

I wish the details showed up more. It’s mixed media: Acrylic and pastels and it has a lot of depth…the light in the middle is a lot more detailed too. It’s not like a lot of my other stuff and I look forward to hearing what people like (or don’t like) about it. I’ll probably bring it into work and ask my co-workers what they think of it. J has such a great eye when it comes to art and I always look forward to her critiques 🙂

This is the progress I have made on the piece I have posted before. The shooting stars represent two people in my life who passed suddenly and meant so much to me.

Night Sky

Alright I have to go and get my laundry from the laundromat so I will get down to tonight’s meditation and my reflections on it 🙂
I really hope you are all enjoying them, it’s been nice to share them with the world I guess 🙂

Take the Pressure Off

Sometimes we need a little pressure to get moving, but sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves. I must do this, we think, and I must do it better and faster. We begin to believe that only by worry and fear and pressuring ourselves can we get the job done – whether the job is spiritual growth, making a particular decision, or accomplishing a task.

That kind of pressure doesn’t get the job done any better or faster. It simply makes you tense and fearful, and stops the creative juices. Too much pressure can take you out of the present moment. It can inhibit the life force, the flow of life within you. That kind of pressure can make so much noise in your mind that you can’t hear your heart.

We have responsibilities. We have time frames and commitments to others. And there are times when we need to get the job done. But the most pressing job can be done best when we’re relaxed. The most urgent decision can be made most clearly when we’re at peace. It doesn’t help to force ourselves to go faster, be somewhere else, or be someone we’re not. There are few things we need to do that can be enhanced by becoming tense, fearful, and worried. The more pressing the situation, the more pressing the need to be present for ourselves, and be present for each moment.

Let off some stream. Release your emotions. Clear the pathway to the heart. The answer will come. The job will get done.

Give yourself some relief. Take the pressure off.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

Truth. Truth. And More truth.

I am learning how to accept this and try and apply it. I am working hard at trying to take more time for me, to try and stop myself from trying to do everything right all the time. In life and therapy I am learning about releasing my emotions and not let myself get all caught up in the pressure. I went outside my comfort zone today – I went out by myself, I took in the owls and the hawks and felt the cool crisp air and walked on the nature trails alone. I looked for hearts in nature. I painted all weekend. I rekindled something with that newest piece. I don’t know what and I don’t fully know what it represents BUT I do know that I actually like it.

I want to apply this to work more – I have been working SO hard and I think it is really paying off. I want to be able to NOT want to be the best at everything, to have everything be right all the time heck EVERY time. I need to cut myself some slack and know that I am doing everything I can and that my best is good enough. I have a hard time grasping the concept that my best is good enough but I am trying like hell to get to a point where I fully believe it.

Nightly meditations

So I was at a local used book store recently and I found this amazing book called “Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the path to freeing your soul” by Melody Beattie. I had heard a lot about her work and immediately grabbed at the chance to own it. At work we are constantly reading and finding things for us to think about, meditate on and bring us some sort of enlightenment to our day – it has become a daily ritual that I have grown to love and appreciate. My co-worker M has these AMAZING daily cards by Melody Beattie as well so everyday one of us picks a card (without looking) and that is what we think about and how it can affect our day! We have even started an email group to get these daily spiritual things to to anyone else in our department who would like to have something positive to start the day with.

When I got the Journey to the Heart book I decided I wanted to keep it at home and only read it at night. I have a hard time at night, especially cause I live alone, and so having something positive to reflect on before I go to bed has really helped me. I figured that maybe others can benefit from it as well – not all of them are a comment on my borderline, not all of them are overly prolific for me but I know I am getting something out of them and  thought it might be worth sharing with others.

I have had a lot happen in the past month…too much to really do in one post but I hope to be more on top of posting again now that I feel that I am in a good head space. I have been much MUCH more social these days, going out with friends, I “ran” a 5K and I am actually having fun when I am out with others. I went to a monastery with a friend, I am learning how to express myself and share with people. It has been, for the most part, positive for me. I won’t lie and say I haven’t had some rough times – because I have. I’ve broken down, cried but I have been able to pick myself up (with the help of the most amazing people I could ask for). I forgot to renew my license and got pulled over the other day – thank GOD they didn’t breathalyze me, not because I was drunk because I wasn’t but I had just been at the bar with friends and had 2 beers! I got a summons to go to court and that usually would have put me over the edge emotionally but I am handling it okay. A co-worker is bringing me to and from work since she lives RIGHT down the street and I am ever so grateful to her! I am a lucky person to have the people in my life that I do.

The 5K was an experience – I didn’t run the whole thing, I jogged most of it and walked the rest and I completed it without dying so really I couldn’t be happier about it lol. I got to hang with some awesome peeps from work afterwards and we went back to J’s house and did some decoupage art. It was a lot of fun, I enjoyed the time I got to spend with friend. Drinking wine, laughing, creating art…it was just a completely peaceful experience. J is the older sister I always wanted, she pushes me, she cares about me and I am truly honored that she lets me be a part of her life.

So starting tonight I will post the “meditation” of the day and my thoughts that go along with it. Hopefully my lack of posting didn’t scare you all away!