(insert witty title here)

As you can tell from the title of this post I am losing my creative mojo lol. I hope to get it back soon…my hands want to create but my brain has no idea WHAT to create LOL!

I have been obsessed with this song ‘Breathe Me’ by Sia ever since the Six Feet Under series finale. The words are haunting and I feel like sometimes this song is a page out of my brain…

some days just listening to a song that completely embodies EVERYTHING you feel is just such a comfort. I mean don’t get me wrong there is a time and a place for depressing music but i dunno…I just really connect with this song. It makes me feel less alone, it makes me feel like others understand those dark feelings; those feelings that I feel ashamed to have…

I spoke with E today in regards to my “group” that I have been doing and the complete lack of communication and how frustrated I am with the entire process and since I am seeing her tomorrow for my weekly session she and I are going to talk about it more in depth then. I, personally, think going to the last group is a complete waste of time but E thinks otherwise and thinks it is important I share my feelings with Dr F so next time she runs a group she will have some constructive feedback. I don’t know how I feel about this and with everything up in the air at work I just have NO idea when I am going to be able to make this work. I need to really think about the pros and cons and what is best for ME in this situation – the problem is I know E is right and I need to confront Dr F about it and I am just fucking scared. How messed up is that? 30 years old and afraid of confrontation.

I spoke with my dad today and my uncle had to have a double by pass a few days ago but he is doing well – and can I just say THANK GOD? I have had far to much death in my life and the last thing my dad needs is to lose his brother. My uncle was AMAZING to me when I was living in NY (he lives in the next state) and anytime I was going home he would pick me up in NY and drive me to meet my dad, he would come down with my dad at all hours and when I moved from NYC back home he was helping us load up the uhaul at 5am!!! Such a generous and amazing soul. I am SO glad that he is doing better and that in the next few days he will be in a rehab and then he will be able to go home.

I realized today that on 4/26 it is going to be one year with E. My first ever therapist, the first person I was completely and 100% honest with…and she is leaving soon. This is a transition that I KNOW needs to happen and I know I will be ready but it still hurts. She has seen me through some really deep stuff, pushed me when I needed it, listened to me complain and helped me get to the point I am at now – I am so grateful to her.

Tonight’s meditation:

Take Better Care of Yourself

Take better care of yourself than you ever have before. That’s what your heart is telling you to do.

Those times of driving yourself, depriving yourself, not being gentle and loving with yourself will no longer work. Punishing, criticizing, repressing, and denying won’t bring the feelings, the growth, the result you’re seeking. The harder you push, the more you relentlessly demand perfection, the worse you’ll feel.

Fall in love with yourself. Be gentle, loving, kind, and attentive. Take time throughout each day to tend to your needs, just as you would tend to someone you loved deeply and dearly. Loving and caring for yourself this way won’t waste time. It’s not a delay. Take better care of yourself, and life’s magic will return. Your life will improve. You’ll feel better, too.

Taking care of yourself is a simple act with profound consequences. The better and more often you care for yourself, the more you’ll align with the universe and God’s love.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

I honestly think this meditation is so on point. I have SLOWLY learned how to do this – how to listen to my body, listen to the signs when I need to stop and think of me. I know at some point I will need some time off but right now that isn’t possible but I know when the time is right I will be able to take it and enjoy it.

I can’t explain how good it feels to be able to do that for myself and realize that I am NOT selfish. I think that was a huge roadblock for me before – If I took time for me then I was selfish and not a team player. I know that isn’t the truth and I am so lucky and blessed to work with people who constantly reinforce how important taking care of ourselves is.

This past July I was in INCREDIBLE pain, I had been up the entire night before on the floor of my bathroom with shooting pains…I HAD to go into work the next day because it was just MM and I (M wasn’t working there yet and JS and J were both off) and sweet MM was like “if you do not call your doctor right now I am taking you to the ER after work” and it turns out I had appendicitis and my appendix had to go. Of course I had to go get a CT scan and during the 3 hour wait while you drink the contrast I went back to work with an IV in my arm lol. And then once they knew it was for sure appendicitis I had to go in for emergency surgery LOL.

That was the day I realized I needed to take time for me, to take care of myself and to know that in order to be there for everyone else I first need to be there for myself.

7:30 and I am ready for bed…this is so sad lol….goodnight all