The end isn’t always the end…

Tomorrow is the big day – my LAST official session with E.

I, for the first time in my life, completed a task that was super important to me for someone else. I finished E’s painting, matted and framed it. I PRAY she likes it.

Effiefinal1

It’s hard to see in the picture but the color of the mat is a deep purple color – it helps bring out the purple in the sky and the colors in the shading on the petals.

I’m happy with how it looks. I’ve never really been happy with anything I’ve done…at least not happy enough to frame and give to someone as important to me as E. Don’t get me wrong I’ve given J tons of my stuff but I’ve never done something specifically for someone else…it’s extraordinarily personal.

Anyways…I will let you know what she says after my session with her…my last session 😦 The daily meditation for yesterday July 13th

See the snow on the Desert

I drove through Arizona’s petrified forest, a land where dinosaurs once roamed, then headed across the painted desert. A light dusting of snow covered the sane and shrubs. I felt both awe and surprise at the scene nature had created.

Nature does many things. Tornadoes blow across the land. Hurricanes pound the shores. Bolts of lightning streak through the sky. Dust storms fill the air. Nature petrifies wood, turning tress into beautiful crystal rocks, glowing with brilliant red and orange fossilized patterns. Nature takes centuries to carve bridges out of stone, using only wings and rains and the flow of water from other rocks. And sometimes, she puts snow on the forest.

Many things happen in our lives. Some of them are probable, consequential. Some of them are fluke and seem to come out of the blue, from nowhere. All the events work into a pattern, helping to create us, create our path through life, create our destiny. Sometimes we’re influenced greatly by a traumatic storm. Other times seemingly chance occurrences can change the entire pattern and course of our lives.

We don’t have to understand everything. Maybe we aren’t supposed to. We don’t have to be prepared for all the storms. Sometimes the greatest learning occurs when we’re caught off guard, by surprise.

Weather the storms. Let them pass. Keep your balance, as best you are able. Remember to be flexible and sway with the winds like the tall tress in the forest. Trust the flukes, too, those moments when it snows on the desert. Let destiny have its way with you.

Well if this isn’t EXACTLY what I needed to read.

E was my snow on the desert.

It wasn’t going to be there forever but the time it was there was wonderful.

She taught me to look outside the box, she taught me how to react and communicate with people better.

Her time in my life was for a reason.

She was here to teach me something just as my friendship with J, MM and JS have taught me.

I don’t know what the future holds but I whatever it is I will get through it: the good, the bad and the ugly.

I know I will get through it because of the friendships I have now and because I have the skills E taught me (and that will stay with me).

Tomorrow is going to be extremely difficult emotionally but I will get through it.

Advertisements

feeling at peace…

2 posts in one day?? woohoo look at me go 🙂

I actually had an incredibly relaxing day. I missed the chance to go hang out with J, her sister A who happens to be in town and some friends but it was all good. I was hanging out with MM and doing errands. I love my friends and the people in my life.

I have done painting and relaxing all day. It has been quite amazing. I think if I went back to my DBT skills it would be considered “self soothe” lol but whatever it is, it is exactly what I have needed after the week from hell. I am working hard at listening to my body – am I hungry? do I need to stop fussing with my painting? I curled up in this amazingly comfy chair J gave me when I moved into my apartment and watched the sunset out my window. Ruby is curled up on my legs and I feel at peace for the first time in a long time.

I have been watching Six Feet Under and been totally and 100% in love with it. I love the characters and I love how easy and naturally it is to relate to the characters. Brenda is a borderline – it was a shock for me when I first got into the show but it was nice to see a “borderline” being portrayed in a TV show. She is a little more adventurous then I am but I see it and I get it.

phase 2 of my art:

phase2

Tonight’s meditation:

Be present for Yourself

Learn to be present for yourself, fully present in a way that’s new and delightful. Be present for your thoughts and emotions. Be present for the gentle way in which your heart and body lead you on. Learn to be fully present for each step of your growth, each step of your journey.

Value yourself, who you are, what you think and feel, and how you grow. For many years you neglected yourself. It was as though you were unconscious of who you were, how you felt, what you believed. You believed that kept you safe, protected you from feelings you didn’t want to feel. You believed it was how you should live. Now you are learning another way. Survival is no longer enough. It does not meet the needs of your heart and your soul. Now you want to live fully and joyfully. To do that, you must be present for yourself.

Be fully present for others, too. Be present for their spirits, their emotions, the words they have to say to you, but especially be present for their hearts. You no longer have to fear losing or neglecting yourself if you are present for others. You can do this safely now. You will not be consumed by their needs; you will not become trapped in the workings of their lives. And if you’re present for yourself, you’ll know how much presence to give to others.

Be present for life – for the starlit skies and the chirping birds that sing to the morning sun. Be present for the earth and grass under your feet, for the feel of a snowflake in your hand. Be present for all the magic and mysteries of the universe.

But most of all, be present for yourself. Then your presence for others and life will naturally follow.

Taken from ‘Journey to Heart’ by Melody Beattie

Wow did I enjoy this one.

I have been fully present with myself all day – aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my creative energy. Taking the time to relax when needed, taking the time to paint when I feel it. It’s odd for me I guess to listen to myself and be SO aware, SO in tune. Watching the my tv, curled up with my” pre-sleep” pillow and feeling whatever comes: happiness, sadness, anger, frustration. I am learning to let them go. I’m onto season 5 of Six Feet Under and watching George destruct after the ECTs is hard, sometimes I feel like him – the outburst, the “baby moments”, the uncontrollable feelings that life sucks. What’s so great about this show is how relatable the characters are – at times I see myself in Brenda or Claire or even Ruth and Sarah – it’s real and honest and gritty and it’s nice to know you aren’t alone. I think this meditation says it best – that in order to be present for others you also need to be present for yourself. I’m not saying it is an easy task – I mean that would be a flat out lie – but I’ve noticed it has gotten easier for me these days.

It’s an odd experience for me to be sitting down, fully in the moment and smile because I feel so at peace. These are the moments I need to savor and remember.

 

newest piece I am working on…

So this is the start of a new piece I am working on. Nothing more relaxing then art on a Saturday morning.

 

phase1

Eventually I will get the rest painted – I am enjoying the more muted colors, the more natural. The canvas has been painted a “vintage” white color and I think I will add some muted yellows and maybe reds to help bring the piece to life.

I have been feeling at one with nature these days and I think this piece is going to reflect that.

Thoughts?