like Alice…down the rabbit hole I go

I knew it was coming – I knew it and I could feel it but that didn’t stop it from happening. I crashed and I crashed hard. Poor E had to help me breathe through my mini panic attack, help me through the wave. I couldn’t do it myself, I tried the skills, I tried to do it but I needed the extra help to get through it.

I know deep down that being able to ask for that help is a HUGE step (especially for me) but there is a small part of me that feels like a complete failure. I was feeling pretty good and confident with myself as of late and that should have been my first sign that I was going to eat dirt hard. The times where I feel like I am making progress and where I allow myself to CELEBRATE that are usually the times where my crash isn’t too far behind.

I really wanted to be able to handle it on my own – it really frustrated me that I wasn’t able to. I am trying not to let myself be dragged further down and I think I am doing okay with it but I am struggling. I have to call E tomorrow and even though I tried to clean mindfully, tried distress tolerance and now I am trying self-soothe…I just can’t get my brain to slow down enough to process it all with a wise mind.

SIGH. Anyways on to tonight’s meditation:

You’ll see the answer

The answer you are looking for may be right before your eyes.

Have you asked the question? Have you put it out to God, the universe, yourself, and the world?

What do I need to do now? What do I need to do next? Where and why am I stuck? What am I not seeing? What’s the answer? I need a clue.

Often, asking the question means the answer is trying to find you. Follow your heart, and then open your eyes. You’ll see it.

The answer may be right in front of you.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

As much as I would like to think that this meditation is helpful – I am just not sure how much it is for me today. I could FEEL myself spiral today, I called E, I reached out…I knew I couldn’t stop it on my own…how MESSED up is that? The skills weren’t working, deep breathing, focusing on what works, trying to use my non-judgmental stance…sometimes the answers aren’t always right in front of you – or what do I know maybe they are and my lens is to clouded to see it.

How badly do I wish all the answers really could be right in front of me? How badly do I wish I could be “cured” of being borderline most days? Some days I am okay with it – if I wasn’t borderline maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today and on most days I am content and okay with where I am (working my way towards happiness) and if I didn’t suffer from a mental illness maybe I never would have met my true family…and I don’t want to picture my life without them. They have MADE me a better person.

I did some chores for the day and I am gonna make some dinner soon – all I ate was a cookie whoppie pie (eating those are another form of self destruction for me since all that sugar usually makes me nauseous) and I worked out this morning so I need to put some actual substance in my body. I AM proud that I knew I needed to call E – that was a big step for me, calling and asking for help. I think I am getting better about that. I think I am learning what I can handle and what I can’t. Breaking down isn’t an option right now and neither are days off – so I need to use my skills and tools and reach out and ask for help when I need it.

Maybe the answer today was to call E…maybe that was what I needed to be able to get through it without self destructing…and if that is the case…what the hell am I going to do when she leaves?