a photo to reflect on

It has been a long time since I have posted. I have lots to say and finding less and less time to say it all. I plan on making time to keep this site updated even if it is just a few sentences. I owe it to myself not to quit yet another thing in my life.

My littler sister L got married this past weekend. It was beautiful. It was in a remote location with no cell service and no internet. I have to admit the idea of ‘unplugging’ was hard for me since I constantly check my work email but it was surprisingly nice. I got to sit on a dock (we couldn’t swim because of leeches 😦 oh well) and take in the beautiful and incredible few days.

Here is a picture of that little piece of heaven.

beautiful

Makes you wish you were there huh? I know I’d like to go back there. The sky at night…you could see the stars go on forever. Magical doesn’t even seem like the right word to describe it. I spent most of my younger years looking forward to the day when I no longer lived in the country and had the “city life” and now that I have gotten that part of my life out of my system? the country life is exactly what I need.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I never saw all the beauty that it held before but I know in order to appreciate it the way I do now I needed to take some time away from it. Even still…the twinkle of those stars brought me back to a time in my life when things felt simple, less chaotic. In this place time stood still. This place touched a part of my heart that I had closed off – it has helped me realize a lot of things. Some of those things I will share here and some are too personal to share just yet. But when the time is right I will.

It has been over two weeks since I have seen M for a session…it has been super hard but good for me to find my own footing, deal with the daily ups and downs without the constant need for a professional to help me see the correct way to deal with things. I am sort of proud of myself for doing that, for getting through it all and not losing it. The waves come and go and I need to learn to ride them better but I am slowly but surely getting to a place where I am able to make that happen.

Who knows what tomorrow brings…I hope you guys will still be here to join me on this crazy ride.

Advertisements

new piece of artwork

So I have been gearing up for my last session with E (which is July 15th) and we talk so much about my creative endeavors that I wanted to create something for her.

In true “me” fashion I must have come up with a million ideas but they always seemed to fall short and then I got this simple idea. It isn’t done…I hope to have it done by Saturday so I can get a frame for it 🙂

I have never used watercolor pencils before…and I am enjoying what I have been able to create with them.

 

effiepainting

 

I would love some feedback 🙂 It’s hard to tell the detail on it from my camera phone. I will take a better picture with a “real” camera when I can.

Thanks!

feeling at peace…

2 posts in one day?? woohoo look at me go 🙂

I actually had an incredibly relaxing day. I missed the chance to go hang out with J, her sister A who happens to be in town and some friends but it was all good. I was hanging out with MM and doing errands. I love my friends and the people in my life.

I have done painting and relaxing all day. It has been quite amazing. I think if I went back to my DBT skills it would be considered “self soothe” lol but whatever it is, it is exactly what I have needed after the week from hell. I am working hard at listening to my body – am I hungry? do I need to stop fussing with my painting? I curled up in this amazingly comfy chair J gave me when I moved into my apartment and watched the sunset out my window. Ruby is curled up on my legs and I feel at peace for the first time in a long time.

I have been watching Six Feet Under and been totally and 100% in love with it. I love the characters and I love how easy and naturally it is to relate to the characters. Brenda is a borderline – it was a shock for me when I first got into the show but it was nice to see a “borderline” being portrayed in a TV show. She is a little more adventurous then I am but I see it and I get it.

phase 2 of my art:

phase2

Tonight’s meditation:

Be present for Yourself

Learn to be present for yourself, fully present in a way that’s new and delightful. Be present for your thoughts and emotions. Be present for the gentle way in which your heart and body lead you on. Learn to be fully present for each step of your growth, each step of your journey.

Value yourself, who you are, what you think and feel, and how you grow. For many years you neglected yourself. It was as though you were unconscious of who you were, how you felt, what you believed. You believed that kept you safe, protected you from feelings you didn’t want to feel. You believed it was how you should live. Now you are learning another way. Survival is no longer enough. It does not meet the needs of your heart and your soul. Now you want to live fully and joyfully. To do that, you must be present for yourself.

Be fully present for others, too. Be present for their spirits, their emotions, the words they have to say to you, but especially be present for their hearts. You no longer have to fear losing or neglecting yourself if you are present for others. You can do this safely now. You will not be consumed by their needs; you will not become trapped in the workings of their lives. And if you’re present for yourself, you’ll know how much presence to give to others.

Be present for life – for the starlit skies and the chirping birds that sing to the morning sun. Be present for the earth and grass under your feet, for the feel of a snowflake in your hand. Be present for all the magic and mysteries of the universe.

But most of all, be present for yourself. Then your presence for others and life will naturally follow.

Taken from ‘Journey to Heart’ by Melody Beattie

Wow did I enjoy this one.

I have been fully present with myself all day – aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my creative energy. Taking the time to relax when needed, taking the time to paint when I feel it. It’s odd for me I guess to listen to myself and be SO aware, SO in tune. Watching the my tv, curled up with my” pre-sleep” pillow and feeling whatever comes: happiness, sadness, anger, frustration. I am learning to let them go. I’m onto season 5 of Six Feet Under and watching George destruct after the ECTs is hard, sometimes I feel like him – the outburst, the “baby moments”, the uncontrollable feelings that life sucks. What’s so great about this show is how relatable the characters are – at times I see myself in Brenda or Claire or even Ruth and Sarah – it’s real and honest and gritty and it’s nice to know you aren’t alone. I think this meditation says it best – that in order to be present for others you also need to be present for yourself. I’m not saying it is an easy task – I mean that would be a flat out lie – but I’ve noticed it has gotten easier for me these days.

It’s an odd experience for me to be sitting down, fully in the moment and smile because I feel so at peace. These are the moments I need to savor and remember.

 

TGIF…

…I’m so exhausted that is the BEST post title I could come up with lol. So after the week from hell I am curled up on my couch with my sweet Ruby, sweatpants and The League season 2 on bluray. It’s crazy – I wasn’t sure this phase of exhaustion was even possible. There was no cooking dinner for me – I hit up Little Caesars for pizza and crazy bread 🙂 Looking around my apartment I definitely have my work cut out for me cleaning-wise this weekend lol but for tonight I get to sit back and relax because, frankly, I have more than earned it!

I was also feeling a little creative so I made myself coasters – they are simple yet beautiful. I love them. I will post a pic in a bit. I still need to hot glue the felt to the bottoms so they won’t cut up my tables but I felt the urge to make some more since I had the extra tiles and tons of scrapbook paper. What is so great about this DIY project is that you can make any coasters to go with your decor. Now I don’t have a theme in my apartment – Boho Chic? Artsy? Unique? lol I dunno…I feel like I am all over the place so it’s cool that I can have coasters that sort of go with my mood 🙂

Pic:

coasters2

What do you guys think? I love butterflies – I have this crazy obsession with them. J and I are constantly talking about how our recoveries are like that of a butterfly – constantly changing, going through a metamorphosis to something beautiful. It’s actually quite poetic if you think about it. I never used to feel that way but since I have sort of been on this path and journey I enjoy the idea and embrace it. A butterfly was the first thing I really painted when I was researching Art Therapy for a project and ever since then I have just been so drawn to them.

So I am going to post tonight’s daily meditation and my reflections and then I am going to hit the hay.

Develop a sense of the sacred

During my stay in New Mexico, I found myself repeatedly – almost magnetically – drawn to the Ojo Caliente Hot Springs. The grounds weren’t fancy; soaking cost only $8.00. But I felt so safe, healed, spiritually connected when I was there. At times, I felt almost an electric energy coursing through my body when I roamed the grounds. On my third visit, I noticed a small marker hidden on the side of the parking lot and I began to understand my feelings. The ancient spring was actually a Native American sacred site. The energy I felt there was real. I was standing on holy ground.

Develop a sense of the sacred. Develop a sense of what is sacred to you. Allow yourself ot see and feel the holy grounds in your life as you go through your days and years. Many times what we’re going through, what we’re seeing is sacred, but our minds diminish that idea. So much in life is holy, but often we don’t make the connection. Listen to your soul as you experience life. Let yourself connect with what is holy and sacred to you.

Stop chattering for a moment. Be still. Experience. Ask your soul to show you what’s holy. The electric energy will rise through you. Your soul will come to attention. Learn to feel, see, and know the beauty of the journey you’re on.

Develop a sense of the sacred. Where you’re standing is holy ground.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

This one didn’t really speak to me all that much – but that could be the exhaustion lol. I think the more and more comfortable I feel in my apartment the more and more I find it to be this sacred area that holds so much power and energy. It’s funny and odd I am sure – I never much thought about where I lived as a “sacred” place however, once I actually started living on my own I totally get it. Having a space where you feel safe, comfortable and totally connected is exhilarating and powerful. My entire life I had roommates, even when I lived in New York, and having a space that is all mine…there is just some kind of energy that makes me feel at complete peace when I walk through the door.

Well Ruby is purring all up in my face…I think she wants me off the computer lol and she is right…I can barely keep my eyes open. If anyone wants to know how to make the coasters let me know – SUPER easy. Goodnight all 🙂

 

 

March 24th – Nightly meditation and reflection

Tap into Life’s Energy

Life is not something separate or apart from you, as you once believed. There is a power, a life force, that moves, guides, directs, and inspires you. You are one with life, with life’s energy.

Do things that energize you, charge your soul. Soak up the sun. Soak up the color. Soak up beautiful sounds. Immerse yourself in nature, in a world that refreshes, restores, and renews. Don’t worry about the task or the day that looms ahead, the work and love and play, the problems and choices that are on the way. If you energize yourself, restore yourself, the power to take action will come naturally like water from a spring.

Look around. What do you see that feels right to do? Which direction do you see as the right way to go? Trust the smallest glimmer. Give into the urge, to the guidance that’s there. Do it once. Do it again. Soon you will find yourself in harmony.

You will have all the guidance, energy, ideas, creativity, power, and ability you need to do all you’re meant to do. And you will be given the power to enjoy it.

Taken from the book ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

My reflection:

This particular meditation reminded me so much of my friend J. J has this ability to be so one with nature in almost everything she does – and not in a hippie kind of way just that she is so natural and in harmony with life. I think that is one of the reasons I am so drawn to her as a person – I’ve never had anyone in my life that is so free spirited, so alive in nature, so naturally wonderful. In the past few week I have felt myself because more in tune with life’s energy – more aware of it at least. My uncle recently passed away and there was a celebration held this past weekend on what would have been his 61st birthday – he was an artist through and through and surrounded himself with the most incredible people I have ever met. As I was leaving the party I passed a pile of logs and do you know what I found? A heart…plain as day – it was like he was smiling down letting me know he was still there. It was a moment I think I will remember forever.

Heart in Nature

He was an incredible man who died far too young. He understood me, he and I had art in common. I think maybe that is why I connect so much with J – She is an artist through and through – a complete creative being just like my uncle was. I like surrounding myself with people who “get it” and it is nice to feel loved for who I am and not what my family or others around me want to be. Having a friend like J in my life has made me come to realize that maybe I am an artist (I never considered myself one) or in the very least a creative being with some kind of talent to share with the world. I’m beyond blessed to have someone willing to see past the disorder and understand that I am still a person and she lets me know a pretty darn good one.

What does today’s meditation mean to any of you? Feel free to share and comment!