Everywhere. Everyone. Everything. Ends.

This is the tagline for Season 5 of Six Feet Under – and if you haven’t watched the series I won’t spoil anything for you but O.M.G was the ending just perfect. Some series stay on forever and don’t end when they should….SFU ended at the perfect time and it was done so brilliantly.

It was so great to have a show that showed the nitty gritty of life AND death. I know vampires and shit are big right now and zombies but a show about a family who owns a funeral business? Most could view that as morbid but in actuality it was about bringing the reality of death to life and a reminder that you need to love the ones in your life, tell them when you can and embrace the uniqueness that we each have inside of us.

Each character had quirks and differences and no matter the subject matter it was tackled – death, suicide, drugs, alcohol, therapy, bi-polar, borderline personality, ECT treatments, adultery, miscarriage….and not only was it tackled but it was handled in such an incredible way. It was believable which is one of the things I think that made this show so great. They put death in the spotlight – instead of hiding the emotions surrounding death, hiding away the sadness and anger that are mixed up in a persons death but made you confront it. See it. Face it.

Powerful, powerful stuff for me. Maybe not everyone will have gotten what I got out of the show but honestly I felt like this hybrid of Claire and Brenda. The creative energy, the artistic side of Claire is how I would love to think of myself but I have the insecurities of both her and Brenda – about my life, my job, my talents and my body. Brenda was borderline and as she would act out and self destruct it was so easy to relate to her – although her form of self destruction was sex with random strangers and mine was cutting – I understood the place it was coming from. It was easy to relate to show because I could relate to so many of the characters – Sarah, Ruth’s sister, was this incredible character portrayed by Patricia Clarkson, was this incredible free spirit and how I wished I could live my life (minus the drug addiction) just totally immersed in the land, in art, fully present in life.

I spent the last 2 episodes of the series bawling my eyes out. I recommend it to anyone who enjoys a great show with an incredible cast.

Tonight’s meditation

What are you resisting most?

Be open to the whole journey, all parts of it.

Is there a feeling, a person, a thought, a project that you have been avoiding? Is there some part of your life that you’re refusing to deal with or open up to? Is there something you’re resisting, something that makes you stubbornly say no? Ignore the voice that says, This is how I decided it will be, so I will close off to that part; I will not consider it. That is the voice of resistance.

Be open to everything. Your most valuable lessons may well come from the things you’re resisting most.

Taken from ‘Journey From the Heart’

Holy shit was this just a shot of truth for me. I have been so closed off for so long that it’s been nice to open myself up to people, let down the walls. If I hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have gotten help, if I hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have been able to trust J enough to give her my last blade. I have been so closed off that I forgot what it felt like to just…be. I’m actually not sure that I ever had the chance to know who I was before. I resist things so often and I need to learn how to let things go, to not be dragged down.

When did life get so complicated? Was I born borderline? What is going to happen when E leaves? These are all things that stay on my mind constantly and what I worry about – why do I hold onto them? Why do I think having the answers will somehow make things easier? I’m not so sure that having those answers WILL make anything easier – what’s the point? *sigh*

Man the quote at the end is just stuck inside my head. I think I need to meditate on it more and get some sleep. I actually spent a lot of time crying today and it has worn me out. Puffy faced and all I think I need to curl into bed and be thankful I am alive, have my health and have amazing people in my life and tomorrow I will tell them.



feeling at peace…

2 posts in one day?? woohoo look at me go 🙂

I actually had an incredibly relaxing day. I missed the chance to go hang out with J, her sister A who happens to be in town and some friends but it was all good. I was hanging out with MM and doing errands. I love my friends and the people in my life.

I have done painting and relaxing all day. It has been quite amazing. I think if I went back to my DBT skills it would be considered “self soothe” lol but whatever it is, it is exactly what I have needed after the week from hell. I am working hard at listening to my body – am I hungry? do I need to stop fussing with my painting? I curled up in this amazingly comfy chair J gave me when I moved into my apartment and watched the sunset out my window. Ruby is curled up on my legs and I feel at peace for the first time in a long time.

I have been watching Six Feet Under and been totally and 100% in love with it. I love the characters and I love how easy and naturally it is to relate to the characters. Brenda is a borderline – it was a shock for me when I first got into the show but it was nice to see a “borderline” being portrayed in a TV show. She is a little more adventurous then I am but I see it and I get it.

phase 2 of my art:


Tonight’s meditation:

Be present for Yourself

Learn to be present for yourself, fully present in a way that’s new and delightful. Be present for your thoughts and emotions. Be present for the gentle way in which your heart and body lead you on. Learn to be fully present for each step of your growth, each step of your journey.

Value yourself, who you are, what you think and feel, and how you grow. For many years you neglected yourself. It was as though you were unconscious of who you were, how you felt, what you believed. You believed that kept you safe, protected you from feelings you didn’t want to feel. You believed it was how you should live. Now you are learning another way. Survival is no longer enough. It does not meet the needs of your heart and your soul. Now you want to live fully and joyfully. To do that, you must be present for yourself.

Be fully present for others, too. Be present for their spirits, their emotions, the words they have to say to you, but especially be present for their hearts. You no longer have to fear losing or neglecting yourself if you are present for others. You can do this safely now. You will not be consumed by their needs; you will not become trapped in the workings of their lives. And if you’re present for yourself, you’ll know how much presence to give to others.

Be present for life – for the starlit skies and the chirping birds that sing to the morning sun. Be present for the earth and grass under your feet, for the feel of a snowflake in your hand. Be present for all the magic and mysteries of the universe.

But most of all, be present for yourself. Then your presence for others and life will naturally follow.

Taken from ‘Journey to Heart’ by Melody Beattie

Wow did I enjoy this one.

I have been fully present with myself all day – aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my creative energy. Taking the time to relax when needed, taking the time to paint when I feel it. It’s odd for me I guess to listen to myself and be SO aware, SO in tune. Watching the my tv, curled up with my” pre-sleep” pillow and feeling whatever comes: happiness, sadness, anger, frustration. I am learning to let them go. I’m onto season 5 of Six Feet Under and watching George destruct after the ECTs is hard, sometimes I feel like him – the outburst, the “baby moments”, the uncontrollable feelings that life sucks. What’s so great about this show is how relatable the characters are – at times I see myself in Brenda or Claire or even Ruth and Sarah – it’s real and honest and gritty and it’s nice to know you aren’t alone. I think this meditation says it best – that in order to be present for others you also need to be present for yourself. I’m not saying it is an easy task – I mean that would be a flat out lie – but I’ve noticed it has gotten easier for me these days.

It’s an odd experience for me to be sitting down, fully in the moment and smile because I feel so at peace. These are the moments I need to savor and remember.