Day off…

For one of the first times in my life I CHOSE to have some time off from work – a 4 day weekend! I don’t do this often and I am still working hard at not feeling guilty about it but it needed to be done. The pressure I put on myself when I am in the office is starting to become a little overwhelming. We have performance appraisals coming up and I am having a mini panic attack. I work super hard and the quality of my work is spot-on but that has NEVER been where my needs for improvement have come up. My needs for improvement have always been directed at my interpersonal skills (accurately directed…I completely acknowledge that).

Don’t get me wrong…I can TAKE constructive criticism and honestly? without it I am not sure if I would have made the strides I have over this past year. But I am just so wanting to go into my supervisors office and just hear the positive. I have been pushing, struggling, working so hard at trying to use my skills, trying to harness them and apply them to the very best of my ability. In the words of J (that I constantly tell myself  when things seem hard) “try harder.” The appraisals are based on more than just my supervisors observations but the observations of my peers – and considering my past with MO I am not so sure that I am going to have a lot of positive come from whatever she wrote about me. I know that I still need to work on stress management and learning how to hide it on my face. I know I still need to work on keeping my personal life out of work but I am so desperately hoping that the hard work I have been putting in doesn’t go unnoticed by the people I work with.

I can’t lose my job but what if this is the best I can possible do? What if no matter how much I try, no matter how much I work at using my skills it is never enough? My friend D told me I needed to learn how to “play the game” but that just seems so fake to me. Maybe it is my lack of wanting to “play the game” that will keep me from ever being considered as a leader at my job. I love my job and I love the work that we do – I know I won’t walk into my appraisal without SOME constructive feedback on areas of improvement (bring it on..I WANT to hear the constructive feedback) but I also want there to be a lot more positive feedback then I have gotten in the past. I just worry and FEAR that as much progress as I have made over the past 2 years of being there (I will have been there for 2 years in 12 days) won’t be enough.

Even on a day off I can’t stop worrying about work…there must be something really wrong with me.

To get out of my own head I went to the bookstore to get lost in inspiration. Got a few magazines, relaxed, and spent hours away from my computer and away from my email. I wanted to just stop thinking about my job, the stresses of not being enough and wondering how my performance appraisal is going to go. It was a BEAUTIFUL autumn day yesterday. The colors, the smells…it is my FAVORITE season. There is a crisp in the air, the vibrant colors bring to life the surroundings. Sometimes I wish I had the talent to be able to paint it all.

I have the wedding of one of my oldest friends today. I am feeling VERY conflicted because I love and adore my friend H but the group of people who I think are going to be there have only ever liked me when I was drunk because that was when I would come “out of my shell”. When you spend your life as the “funny fat friend” breaking that chain of thought is excruciating – I so desperately just want to get through this.  The expectations of “Drunk K” are going to be high and being surrounded by a lot of the people who made my teen years a LIVING hell is going to be it extraordinarily difficult to maintain a healthy balance. I can’t allow myself to be 16 again…I can’t give in to the pressures my mind is going to be pushing. God, I hope I am strong enough for this.

 

Wish me luck & have an amazing weekend…

cue the full blown anxiety…

I have a date tomorrow night with a guy I met on OKCupid. I am freaking out.

My last experience was my friend C trying to hook me up with the guy she is seeings friend D…She texted D a picture of me and then boom all of a sudden he was always “busy” or “working overtime” when she was trying to plan a double date. Eventually she got it out of him that it was because of how I looked. Talk about a way to KILL your self-esteem. This has been my entire life. Never good enough, never smart enough, never skinny enough, never pretty enough…so this “date” tomorrow. This is HUGE for me.

I have never been much of a ‘dater’ basically for the reasons I outlined above. It’s hard to date when you hate yourself and spend most of the time you are wishing you are dead. The guy, G, seems really nice, outgoing, a lot of fun. We’ve been talking for a few days and he asked if I wanted to go out. The problem is I do and yet the fear is just so incredibly overwhelming. How is it that I am 30 years old and I am scared fucking shitless about a date?! what the fuck is that?

J said she would go with me as a buffer – I think my level of fear and anxiety warrants a buffer but it also makes me feel like a child…like I need a chaperone. I think J understands what a huge leap this is for me and that helps. We are just gonna meet up and have some beers and maybe get some food and I was completely honest with him that I needed to take things super slow. I’m pretty sure announcing on a first “date” that I am fucked in the head, have borderline personality disorder and have spent most of my life wishing I was dead is NOT the right way to go so I am trying to play it cool. The less he knows about my mental state the better. What if he walks in and turns around when he sees me? what if I’m not good enough? these are the fears and thoughts running through my mind. I don’t want to be lonely, I do want to find someone to connect with on an intimate level the problem is my anxiety.  J is convinced this is good for me and I KNOW she is right…but I’m so fucking anxious. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me? I know I deserve to find someone….but my brain just keeps telling me I’m not enough.

On a far better note? who knows anymore, M brought in her high school yearbook to work. I got to see pictures of B when she was in high school. Do you have any idea how extraordinarily amazing it was to see those? To be able to make copies and have a piece of her that I never had before? God, it’s incredible. She was voted ‘Best Looking’ and ‘Best Body’ and was on the prom court and honor society – she looked just as beautiful as I remembered her. I’m crying right now just typing this. She meant so much to me and it was just SO sweet and wonderful of M to bring back her high school year book so I could have pictures of B, pictures I am not sure anyone in my family has seen before. Her smile…that is what I remember most, that is what I miss.

The quote on her senior picture

“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen”

That quote sums her up perfectly and reminds me not only of her but J. I’m still convinced B played a big part in me getting the job I have and bringing me to my work family. The day she died the world lost an incredible soul and heaven gained a beautiful angel. I have to remember that I got several amazing years with someone who I will always consider a second mother – I have to hold onto that and let go of the anger and sadness. I would give anything to see her again but I wouldn’t give back a single minute of the time I got with her.

And now that I am a blubbering mess I am going to go onto tonight’s meditation:

Tap into the creative flow

Life is creative, and so are you. Let the creative energy of the universe come alive for you. Let it help you bring your creativity alive. Let it bring you the answers, the direction, the guidance you need to create. Let it bring you your ingredients.

What are you trying to create? A more loving, open relationship? More spiritual growth? A new job? A book? A new home? A friendship? A play? A dong? A quilt? A meal? A budget? Ask the universe for the help you need. Ask it to help you find your ingredients; ask it to help you form your vision, get clear on your ideas, and produce the best creation you can.

Your answer may come quickly. As we grow and embrace our connection to the universe, as we embrace our connection to ourselves, we find many of our answers appearing almost immediately. If the answer doesn’t come right away, don’t try to force it. The help will come. The idea will come. The next ingredient for your creation will appear. Sometimes the answer will come softly, almost as a whisper. Other times the guidance will be loud and clear. You will see and hear the guidance clearly and easily when you continue to love yourself.

Tap into the creative energy of the universe. It will help you tap into your own. To tap into God and the creative force, just tap into your heart.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I’m crying happy tears right now.  I asked the universe for a real family. And I got one.

J is the loud and clear guidance that I needed, wanted and feared. She pushed me in ways that MAKE me want to be better. She has shown me what the universe has to offer.

Enjoying life, connecting with nature, watching the birds, the butterflies and gardening…she taught me all of those things. At least she taught me how to be OPEN to all those things and by doing that she helped me discover parts of myself that I never knew I had. I am so lucky and blessed to have such incredible and wonderful people in my life and I need to learn to listen to them more when they are trying to teach me about life and lessons in learning to be myself, forgive myself and finding out who *I* am.

I may not always be sure what I am doing or where this path is going to take me but as long as I have my FAMILY by my side I know I am going to be okay. J and the girls have helped me in ways I never thought possible, they helped me tear down the walls I built up and never once judged me. They love and care about ME and there are no strings attached to it – it is just pure and simple love. I never knew that existed. How blessed am I?

Goodnight world.

 

 

I know it’s worth the fight

I have Grace Potter ‘Can’t See Through” lyrics running through my head. Sometimes when lyrics get stuck in my head I hate it – I can’t figure out how or why they are there. I think these lyrics are incredibly appropriate for today and where I am at in my journey:

I’m not quite broken but I’m not quite right
But I keep on going ’cause I think it’s worth the fight

And if you aren’t familiar with Grace Potter you really should be. I have seen her perform live and she is just…ENERGY. Below is the official video for “The Lion, The Beast and The Beat” – watch it, you will be happy you did.

 

So I got my ass handed to me at work today. Do you ever feel like no matter how much you do you feel like you haven’t accomplished a damn thing? That was my entire day basically from the moment I got in until the moment I left. I hate those kinds of days. I felt GOOD about what I had accomplished however I find it hard to actually celebrate those moments because I am worried about when it is all going to blow up in my face, when the other shoe is going to drop.

M is cleared to come back to work full time on Monday – if I’m honest I don’t have a lot of confidence in it but it is out of my hands and out of my control. I need to worry about my work and now that she is back she will have the be responsible for whatever mistakes she makes and I need to let go of the fact that MM, JS and I spent months doing her job and just go about it all like she never hit her head. It is FAR easier said than done.

I actually have plans this weekend and I am looking forward to them. I have such incredible friends and people in my life. How and when did I get to be so lucky? Can you believe a year ago I wanted to kill myself? It’s strange to think about…it’s not that I don’t think about it anymore because I do. I think the difference is that now even though the thoughts are there I know that they don’t control me anymore.

Today’s meditation:

You’re right where you need to be

You’re right where you need to be – on your path, guided, in just the right place for you today.

Many times on my journey I stopped short, convinced I would never find the place I was trying to find, only to discover that it was right in front of me all the time. I had gone there instinctively. Gone right where I needed to go, right where I was heading.

There is a part of us that knows where we need to be and understands where we really want to go. There’s a place in us that has the map, even if our eyes and conscious mind can’t see it, can’t figure it out, or aren’t certain it’s there.

If you’re spinning in circles, feeling lost and confused, trying to figure out where you need to be and not all that certain where you’re going, stop. Breathe deeply. Look around.

You’re right where you need to be. Maybe you’ve been there all along.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

WOW.

Intense stuff but so very very true.

Thinking about my journey a lot lately. Thinking about where I was, where I’ve been and where I am going. The people who have been on my journey (those who are still there and those who have gone) and I feel at peace. It’s not total happiness yet – but it’s a place where I am learning to feel the good as well as the bad. It’s the most I have felt alive in my entire life. It isn’t always simple and easy but there is a lot to be said for the comfort of this kind of stability.

I owe so much to E and the girls. They have been such a driving force in my recovery.

 

 

 

look at me being social…

Last night was so much fun and it just continued into today.

My friend N and I went out for breakfast – much needed after a night of lots of scotch LOL. N and I chit chatted about all different things, we ate delicious pancakes and hung out. After that I showered and just vegged on the couch until lunch. Some friends from last night (S, D, M and J) were going to a local burger place and asked if I wanted to go. N came to pick me up (late and after she got lost LOL she had just been to my place 3 hours earlier mind you lol) and away we went. It was nice to have people invite me out, the reality that people WANT to spend time with me is one I still have a hard time coming to terms with but more on that later.

You know I usually tense up in social situations, I usually use alcohol to make myself seem funnier or more attractive to people. I was able to just hang out with people and be myself (the version of myself I know right now anyways) and laugh and have a good time. Somewhere between last night and this morning my mood broke. I really laughed, I had a lot of fun with some AMAZING people and it was so wonderful to feel wanted and loved.

Beers, burgers, eggplant fries, friends and laughter, could you ask for a better afternoon??  The answer is no.

 

Who or What is Pulling on You?

Learn to become sensitive to the quiet as well as the clamorous pulls on your energy, your time, your emotions. You are becoming connected – to yourself, the universe, God others – in a way you have never been before. To deny these pulls is to deny the connections.

A quiet tug on our consciousness may be telling us what we need to do. We think about an old friend and contemplate calling her, but we don’t. Don’t be silly, we tell ourselves. Why would I do that now? But maybe that friend is calling out to us. Or we have a problem we haven’t known how to solve. That situation begins working on us, bothering us, interrupting our day. Maybe our instincts are telling us it’s now time to do something about it.

We are living differently now, more magically, more at east, more at one with our actions. One way we know it is time to do something not on the calendar or the clock is to pay attention to the quiet pulls on our energy. Being conscious of these impulses, then trusting ourselves to naturally know what to do and when to do it puts us in harmony with the universe and our soul.

Who or what is pulling on you? What do you think you should do? Now, take it to the next step, the next level. What does your heart lead you to do?

taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

This meditation really gave me pause to think. I am aware of all of these feelings, sensations, and energies lately that I have never been aware of before. It’s almost like this of awakening of something – I don’t know. I feel so different then I did a year ago – hanging out with people, socializing, drinking because I like it not because I want people to like me, feeling accepted. It’s like this whole new arena in my life and as much as I love it (which believe me I DO love it), it is also scary as hell. In one breathe I can’t believe people think I am worth hanging out with and in the next I worry about what I am going to do to completely screw it all up. I don’t know if it’s the therapy or the skills or what has caused this clarity for me today (maybe it’s the eggplant fries or the beer or just the great time I had with everyone today) but it’s nice to feel…wanted? Sometimes when I think about it I feel stupid, that someone who is 30 should be able to feel these things, understand them and accept them and yet for me it is this huge struggle.

I came home and relaxed and did a whole lot of nothing but then a few hours ago I become incredibly inspired to paint. I do decoupage, charcoal and paint but it has been awhile since I have painted (the last time I painted was the piece I posted back in January) but something inside me told me to paint. I will post a picture of it tomorrow but even though the colors are dark…the piece itself gives me hope. It’s kind of interesting lol.

Well off to bed…I ate and drank a shit ton today so my ass needs to get back on the bike in the morning and burn some calories 🙂

 

scotch, scotch, scotch….

Today was just as emotionally exhausting as yesterday. I had told E I would call her today to check in with how I was doing. I didn’t want to talk to her – I was still incredibly angry and upset with her. She asked me to tell her what “skills” I was using and honestly work was so busy, we are understaffed and I wasn’t using any of the skills consciously. After a few minutes we ended the conversation and I continued on with my day. I haven’t felt this exhausted in a long time but one of my co-workers is out (for how long we don’t know) and so we are trying to keep up with the massive amount of work for 4 with 3 of us!

E and I ended up talking at the end of the day and I was FINALLY able to express my anger and views in a way she could understand and I feel like she finally heard me. It was nice to be able to get my feelings out in a way that not only made me feel like I was sharing something important to me but also that I still had the respect of E. I feel like she finally got WHY I was upset and WHAT it meant to me to feel like the decisions regarding my recovery were made by me and how I didn’t want to feel like I was constantly compromising for what other people wanted.

After work it was our monthly get together where we drink wine, don’t talk about work and just generally drink, laugh and have a good time. This month we decided to try scotches and I had NEVER had scotch before. There were a fair amount of people there and several pups and it was really just a GOOD time. I worry about drinking when I am on this downward spiral but I was able to drink responsibly, have fun, interact with people and feel comfortable. That doesn’t happen all that much for me and it was nice to feel so accepted by people. It’s nice to feel wanted and to feel that people WANT to hang out with me.

Tonight’s meditation

Move gently into forgiveness

“I never knew how much I blamed and hated myself. I never knew how much shame and self-contempt I picked up from situations I’d been through until I really forgave myself and felt how that feels,” one woman said to me.

Loving yourself, forgiving yourself, accepting yourself – all of these feel different from judging yourself. Many of us have lived with so much judgment of ourselves that we take these feelings for granted. We just think that’s’ how we’re doomed to feel. Until we do forgive ourselves, we don’t realize how much we need to, and how good, how great, how absolutely terrific that feels.

I was leery of forgiveness for many years. I thought forgiving implied judging. And because judging was wrong and I shouldn’t do it, I didn’t need to forgive. The problem was, whether right or wrong, I had judged myself. And now I needed forgiveness.

Self-judgments set us apart, separate us from the rest of the world in an undesirable way. Forgiving ourselves reconnects us to the world, to God, to ourselves.

We can forgive ourselves for what we’ve done wrong, what we’ve done badly, and what we think we could have done better. We can transcend our judgments of ourselves.

Move gently into forgiveness. Love, forgive, and accept yourself. See how connected you feel. See how free you really are and always have been. See how much better you feel!

Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

This is one I continue to have the hardest time with. I know I need to forgive myself, cut myself slack and know that just because I choose to forgive myself does not mean that I am judging myself. The problem I have is that I AM judging myself. That is where I need to be able to find the balance. I hate being borderline, I hate being depressed and I hate how alone it all makes me feel – but after a night like tonight all of that goes away. I had FUN tonight, I let loose and enjoyed the people around me. I didn’t think about my convos today with E, I didn’t think about how scared I have been, how alone I feel. Tonight was just fun.

It’s funny to think just last night I was in tears and today I am BEYOND exhausted but feeling okay. That’s the part of my disorder I have such a hard time with – the constant roller coaster. I never know how I am going to feel at any given moment and as great as the prozac is to help stabilize the moods it would be nice to feel like I had a little more control over it. I am sure I can reflect on this more tomorrow but right now I just need to change into pjs and hop into bed.

Goodnight all, goodnight beautiful moon….

is this the beginning?

It has been a few days since I have posted – on Thursday I saw E for one of our weekly sessions and it actually went okay, I have been seeing things with a clearer lens lately and shared with E the changes I decided to make with stepping back personally with my co-workers. She and I discussed if it was the right time for me to do that, my plans for doing it and all that kind of stuff – I think she was impressed that I had come to that decision on my own and after the hour we both agreed that what I had done was the right thing for me.

Along the same lines I also had a really productive conversation with my boss – I sat down with her and expressed some of my concerns and she listened and validated some of my feelings and I think we came to a great compromise. A year ago I wouldn’t have been able to handle any type of conflict, I wouldn’t have been able to find the words, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. I feel a slight bit proud of myself for choosing to handle this the way that I have. To admit that…that is no small feat.

I find myself staring at what feels like a blank slate…is this what it means to have a fresh start? is this the beginning of a new chapter? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared shitless because lets face it handling change isn’t something I usually do well. Coming to the conclusion that I don’t need everyone to like me, that I don’t need to be buddy-buddy with people, I wish I could explain how it feels both liberating and incredibly scary all at the same time. My entire life feels like I have been trying to please everyone around me and throwing that aside and basically saying “if you don’t like me that is okay” well that is fucking scary as hell. Most of my identity is tied up in what others like or wanted from me and now I am going out into the world as me? I don’t even know who me IS yet.

I finally gave in and turned the heat on in my apartment – the winter has been SO cold and if my toes were so cold I needed a pair of socks AND slippers it was about time to turn it on lol. Of course I looked around my apartment and it is a total shit show – I need to clean I need to be more organized. That is my plan for the rest of today – besides doing a little distracting and self soothing with watching Netflix and doing some art.

I should mention that I am NOT an artist – I consider myself creatively minded but not an artist- I use art as another form of therapy. It was what I started doing before I started seeing E. I used it to find another outlet and a better way to try and deal with what is going on and a better way to handle things besides self destructing. Maybe one day I will get brave and share a piece or two on here – I dabble in everything from charcoal to acrylic and my latest obsession is decoupage.

I already stepped outside my comfort zone today by going out to a diner and having breakfast alone and now to sit back and take some real time for me because although I don’t always think I deserve it I know I do. I spent so much of my time involved with my work that I go months on end without taking a day off – I have taken a big step and requested several days off in the next couple of months. HUGE step but one that is needed…no matter how big or small each step is one step further on my journey to recovery.

tackle that anxiety…

I think for some it is hard to understand when people say they have ‘social anxiety’. For me, it is that I have this intense fear of being around people and looking like an idiot, saying the wrong things, not being pretty enough, nice enough, etc and it manifests itself into this panic induced state when faced with the task of going to hang out in a social setting. I almost always get a headache, I get this pit in my stomach and I instantly want to run and hide. Sometimes I will avoid going out and sometimes the panic and anxiety literally makes me so sick to my stomach that I can’t go out. It’s hard for those around me that have known me for a long time to think that I suffer from any type of social anxiety because once I settle and the panic falls away I can usually loosen up a bit to be a little more relaxed.

Part of my issues when it comes to social situations is that I typically think alcohol is going to make me more attractive to people, funnier, more relaxed, more fun and even though I FEEL like it does that and even though in college a lot of people seemed to  like me a lot more when I was drunk the reality is that self medicating with alcohol, for me, is dangerous and I do stupid things. When you are almost 30 alcohol is a typical part of going out and when in a downward spiral I don’t care how many I have, I don’t care if I drink and drive (which is beyond fucking stupid) and I don’t care if I die. I have to learn to regulate and set limits for myself but I can’t always seem to do that. When drinking I become more relaxed, I loosen up, I find people tend to talk to me more, laugh at my jokes and feel comfortable with it – it’s almost as if people like me more and so I keep doing it hopes that people will like me without actually knowing the REAL me.

My therapist wants me to expand and challenge myself (don’t they all? lol) and make friends outside the small circle of people I have really learned to lean on and trust since moving back home and beginning the daunting task of therapy. My co-workers have been the biggest source of inspiration and importance to me since starting on this journey but it is becoming more and more obvious that I rely on them too much and that because I feel comfortable with them and they know about my diagnosis and what I struggle with daily it makes me feel safe and protected from judgement. It’s hard to think about expanding my social horizons when I feel so content with the ones I have – but I also know that isn’t fair to those around me.

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