how is it almost Monday already??

Seriously – where in the world does the time go??

So today I hunkered down and cleaned a SHIT ton today. I went out with MM only to go to the store to get new sponges, cleaning supplies and a few other things. She sweetly lent me her swiffer wetjet since I don’t own a mop! Have I mentioned I have some of the most amazing people in my life?? 🙂

I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom, changed the cat litter, I cleaned my art nook, brought 3 bags of trash downstairs, started cleaning my spare room (which I turned into a walk-in closet) and did 3 loads of dishes!! I was super freakin’ productive….as gross as my place looked it felt GOOD to get this place cleaned up…J was right.

Since I spent most of Saturday hanging out with friends and having a good time – I forced myself to stay in today and get this shit done. The kitchen is clearly the room that needs the most attention and I have worked on it a little bit but I need to pace myself with that room. I need to pick up some magic erasers for the stove top but I think in the next few days that room is gonna be so sparkly and I can’t wait.

I am proud that I finally got into a head space where I feel like I can handle all this. It’s hard to describe when I get stressed or in a downward spiral why I don’t clean. Most people view it as me being a slob or lazy and that isn’t the case – when I am down cleaning is the last thing on my mind because I am constantly trying to keep my mind in a place where I don’t self destruct. Yes I am a messy person but in the times of stress and depression staying afloat is what I need to focus on and usually that means cleaning and eating usually are the least of my worries. I am hoping that with setting myself up with a schedule that even when I hit the downward spirals or work becomes overly stressful that I will still DO what needs to be done. I am a work in progress and I need to be okay with whatever small steps I take.

Tonight’s meditation (and I will admit one I struggle with lol):

Relax

Too often out of sheer habit we tighten up, tense up, and then approach life from that stance. When we have something to do, our automatic response may be to tense up – shoulders and neck strained, back bent and cramped, breathing shallow. But anything that needs to be done can be done better if we’re relaxed.

Learn to relax. Program your body, each part of it, to let go and be at ease. Allow yourself to come into your natural posture and alignment. Learn to relax until moving, acting, speaking, being all come naturally from the relaxed place.

Find activities that will help you do this. A hot bath. A steam bath. A massage. Sunning. Walking. Meditating. Teach yourself to become aware of how your body feels during these activities. Memorize that feeling. Practice relaxing until you can recall that memory and carry it throughout the day.

Periodically throughout the day, take a few moments to check your tension level. If you find any part of your body tense, take a few more moments to consciously relax that part. Visualize warmth and ease flooding any part of your body that has become tight or is in pain. Let the tension, the stress, the blocks drain out from top to bottom. Your body wants to relax. It wants to be comfortable. It wants to heal itself.

Empty your mind of tense thoughts, and let it follow your body into relaxation and calm. Allow your mind to become still. Quietly accept each thought, then release it. Breathe in comforting, healing energy. Breathe it into your mind, into each cell of your body. Breathe out stress, strain, discomfort, and fear. Don’t resist what you are feeling or thinking. Acecpt it, then release it. Just as water cannot pass naturally through a pinched hose, your vital life force cannot flow freely through you if you are cramped and tense.

Honor the life force that is in you, that flows through you. Honor it by relaxing, opening to it, and inviting it to surge through your body.

The techniques of relaxation will refresh, restore, and recharge you, so that you can do all you need to do with more power and vigor than before. Anything that needs to be done can be done better if you’re relaxed.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

Relaxing is something that I struggle with on a daily basis and now that M is out for who knows how long I seem to be struggling even more. I got pretty good for awhile being able to shut work off when I got home but lately I think “did I do that”, “shit did I send that email”, “FUCK I forgot to do that” and then I downward spiral into what a shitty job I am doing, that people shouldn’t trust me and that basically I am a waste of space.

I know those aren’t healthy thoughts, I know I do a GREAT job (even more since I have gotten the help that I need) and people respect me and the work I do – so I need to be able find ways to be able to relax, to be able to accept what is going on and then letting it go. This is a piece of DBT that I struggled a lot with: sitting with my feelings and accepting them and then letting them go. I spent my entire life RUNNING from my feelings, running from the emotions and closing myself off to things. Now here I am expected to acknowledge these feelings and emotions and then SIT with them? fuck no…I don’t want to feel them, I don’t want to acknowledge them…I just want them gone but since DBT I actually feel that as hard as it is, this has been one of the most rewarding. I have been able to let things go that I would have held on to for months, I have learned a lot about myself and I think it has been incredibly good for me to be able to find ways to do this.

Relaxation during times of work stress feels SO selfish – like the last thing I need to be doing is relaxing when there is so much shit that has to be done – but I have noticed when I take a few minutes, watch my breath and center myself a little bit I am way more effective and able to handle the surprises that usually pop up. I have to tell myself that relaxation isn’t selfish but that it is IMPORTANT to help me continue to be effective at my job, to help keep my sanity during the crazy times and teach me something that I can learn down the road. As much as I hated not only my first group but this second one as well I know that the skills work and that being borderline doesn’t define me but it IS a part of who I am – I can’t change that, I can’t go back…I need to learn from it, accept it and believe that who I am matters…borderline or not.

Nightly meditations

So I was at a local used book store recently and I found this amazing book called “Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the path to freeing your soul” by Melody Beattie. I had heard a lot about her work and immediately grabbed at the chance to own it. At work we are constantly reading and finding things for us to think about, meditate on and bring us some sort of enlightenment to our day – it has become a daily ritual that I have grown to love and appreciate. My co-worker M has these AMAZING daily cards by Melody Beattie as well so everyday one of us picks a card (without looking) and that is what we think about and how it can affect our day! We have even started an email group to get these daily spiritual things to to anyone else in our department who would like to have something positive to start the day with.

When I got the Journey to the Heart book I decided I wanted to keep it at home and only read it at night. I have a hard time at night, especially cause I live alone, and so having something positive to reflect on before I go to bed has really helped me. I figured that maybe others can benefit from it as well – not all of them are a comment on my borderline, not all of them are overly prolific for me but I know I am getting something out of them and  thought it might be worth sharing with others.

I have had a lot happen in the past month…too much to really do in one post but I hope to be more on top of posting again now that I feel that I am in a good head space. I have been much MUCH more social these days, going out with friends, I “ran” a 5K and I am actually having fun when I am out with others. I went to a monastery with a friend, I am learning how to express myself and share with people. It has been, for the most part, positive for me. I won’t lie and say I haven’t had some rough times – because I have. I’ve broken down, cried but I have been able to pick myself up (with the help of the most amazing people I could ask for). I forgot to renew my license and got pulled over the other day – thank GOD they didn’t breathalyze me, not because I was drunk because I wasn’t but I had just been at the bar with friends and had 2 beers! I got a summons to go to court and that usually would have put me over the edge emotionally but I am handling it okay. A co-worker is bringing me to and from work since she lives RIGHT down the street and I am ever so grateful to her! I am a lucky person to have the people in my life that I do.

The 5K was an experience – I didn’t run the whole thing, I jogged most of it and walked the rest and I completed it without dying so really I couldn’t be happier about it lol. I got to hang with some awesome peeps from work afterwards and we went back to J’s house and did some decoupage art. It was a lot of fun, I enjoyed the time I got to spend with friend. Drinking wine, laughing, creating art…it was just a completely peaceful experience. J is the older sister I always wanted, she pushes me, she cares about me and I am truly honored that she lets me be a part of her life.

So starting tonight I will post the “meditation” of the day and my thoughts that go along with it. Hopefully my lack of posting didn’t scare you all away!