rough session…rough day

MB and I had out weekly session today and for some reason it was a rough one. I think the more we dig the more shit we dig up the the harder it is to face. I am working so hard every single day and sometimes it feels like I have made zero progress – it’s so frustrating.

I have spent the past 23+ years angry and hating myself because of what OTHER people put into my head. Now the only problem is that it is now programmed into my head and I can’t seem to turn it off. It plays over and over and the voices are just there constantly feeding into every single ounce of self doubt that I have and no matter how hard I try and combat them I can’t seem to win. I fight and I fight and I fight and I never win.

I told MB today that the never ending cycle of trying to better myself feels like I am a hamster on a wheel. I spin and I spin and I never get anywhere. I’ve done diets upon diets…I’ve done it healthy, I’ve done it not healthy, I’ve done pills and I’ve done gyms and she said “well then what do you think you should do” and I said “get off the fucking wheel.” I was surprised at how quickly I responded to that. I told her I never thought of doing nothing..my life has always felt as though there were limits put on it when it came to my weight and eating. The idea of continuing with cooking, working out on my bike but not putting that pressure on myself to have it “change my life” I dunno…it hit me hard.

MB loves to timeline things out – this is both good and bad for me. Good because I have to face a lot of fucking facts that frankly I wouldn’t be nearly as fucked up as I am right now and bad for the same reasons lol. I can’t blame my mom for it all though – I have to be partially responsible. I could have spoken up sooner, I knew it was wrong to cut, i knew thinking about killing myself was wrong but I never had someone I could reach out to. I have that now and I have people in my life who don’t give a shit about what I weigh, what I look like or what I wear. I have people in my life that just love me for who I am: flaws and all. I can’t even love all the flaws yet and somehow they do. That kind of a gift? that is something that you can’t repay.

Before I leave my sessions MB always asks the same question “can you stay safe until I see you next” and USUALLY I’m pretty quick to say ‘YES’ but today, today she knew I wasn’t myself. I paused for a few seconds and said (not looking at her) “I’m fine” and since MB knows me back from when I was seeing E and doing DBT group she knows “I’m fine” is not really fine. We talked about finding out some health news about my mom and what feelings that brought up for me and the fact that I have my stress test on Friday and she knows how I am struggling with the decision I will eventually be faced with: having an ultrasound to determine my heart valve size or not having it. I thought a LOT of my uncle K today. He was just on my mind. He died so young and I wonder what HE would have done. I miss him so much.

So to avoid all these feelings I came home and ate some dinner – I wasn’t in a real cooking mood so I had just picked up some chicken from the grocery store already cooked. I had an urge to cook a little while ago and so I decided to make little mini apple pies (using a pumpkin pie mold I got from Crate and Barrel) and they actually turned out pretty yummy!!

Before Cooking

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After Cooking

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I think I will have to make these again.

For now I am going to relax and head off to bed. Goodnight all.

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Facing demons…and it’s not even Halloween.

(my life has been so hectic I have been trying to get this post done since MONDAY lol)

So Saturday was one of my oldest friends wedding. I love H, she and I have been friends since high school and even though it can be months and months in between phone calls, emails, facebook messages we can just pick up like no time has passed. I knew going to this wedding there were going to be several girls there who made my teen years a living hell and lucky me…I got sat at the SAME table as all of them. At least this is the view I got to experience during the reception.

FALLDAY

Facing several of the girls who made my teen years a living hell was much harder than I anticipated it would be. It’s true when people say girls are cruel, mean and vicious. These girls would smile at you to your face as they were doing whatever they could to tear you down behind your back and here I was sitting back in front of them 10 years later and it didn’t seem like anything had changed. With some things hadn’t changed at all – same bitchy girls they always had been. JC was much nicer than I remember and seeing JM was great since she and I had been close in middle school and lost touch over the years.

All in all it was an emotionally exhausting day but I got through it. The days following where exhausting and left me feeling a little bit empty and devoid of anything. I got through this big event but not without feeling like I did when I was 15 years old again. Locking myself in my apartment, not showering, refusing to leave to see people…I became the hermit I used to be but this time I didn’t cut, I didn’t binge, I didn’t lose control. But it took every single ounce of who I was to not lose control that I didn’t have the energy to do a single thing.

I have been experimenting a lot in the kitchen as of late. Trying to make new foods and branch out and try new things. It’s been a great way for me to build my mastery skills and allow myself to find time for mindfulness. I still hate doing the dishes but now the dishes are less of a chore since I treat them as a mindfulness exercise. I haven’t gone too far out of the box but I’ve made some interesting dishes including homemade chunky applesauce, pumpkin bread and margherta pizza 🙂 It gives me a little bit of satisfaction like the way painting does – creating something myself. Cooking really can be therapeutic and I have to thank J for encouraging me to get out there and trying my hand at it all!

MB and I have been working on my self image in our weekly sessions and I wanted to do my part and have my yearly physical. My old PCP had left (I miss her – she really was a GREAT doctor) and met with the new doctor she transitioned me to. PS is a an okay doctor – she reminds me a LOT of Pam from the Office and she really does look like Jenna Fischer. I knew going into the physical that my weight was going to be an issue but something else came up that has left me feeling very overwhelmed. Because I hadn’t seen PS before she asked if there were any new medical conditions in my family and I mentioned the passing of my uncle K and the cardiac issues that we are now discovering throughout my mothers side of the family and so she thought it would be a good idea to get a baseline EKG just to have on file. I agreed. I had been told before that I had bradycardia so I wasn’t too worried about anything that an EKG might bring up and although I was pretty adamant that I don’t want to know if I suffer from what killed my uncle K and what my mother currently has I knew an EKG wouldn’t be able to determine that.

EKGs are funny…15 minutes to get all the things hooked up to you for something that takes like 2 minutes to read your heart. Needless to say I found out that at one point I had “an extra heart beat” and there was some other abnormalities that PS wanted to talk to her superior about. I sat in that office for 30 minutes before she came back. She (and her boss) feel that there is a possibility of ischemia and that I need to have a stress test. She didn’t really go into a lot of the details of what these abnormalities were and I am sure they are nothing but given the current cardiac issues that seem to be popping up in my family I have to admit it scared me. I tried to play it off that it was no big deal but on the inside? on the inside I was (and am) freaking out.

I feel like a complete wuss by freaking out over something that I have no control over. If I have these cardiac issues having the tests or not having the tests isn’t going to change that fact. In the words of J “what is meant to be is to be” and I understand that. I’m having the stress test next Friday because I have that day off. I will wait to find out the results of that before I decide if I want the ultrasound which will tell me if the valves of my aorta are enlarged and if heart surgery is anywhere in my future. These are all SCARY things for me. Facing down the idea of a death that I haven’t planned out myself – every thought of my own demise up until now was at my own hand. This is new territory and I don’t think people can fully understand what that weight feels like. I’ve spent the past year and a half working on WANTING to live and now I feel like I am at a crossroads. One path to get fully tested and if the results mean surgery or something life threatening then I will fight to live and the other path to continue to live without ever fully knowing the truth and possibly dying at any moment without warning.

Why do I feel like there isn’t a right answer here? I can’t talk with my family because whatever choice I make I need to feel supported and my biological family has already made it clear they don’t support my choice NOT to find out. MB and I always go back to the ‘broken coke machine’ analogy when it comes to my mother. I know MM and J will fully support whatever decision I make but I have put them both through so much with my ups and downs these past two years – it feels unfair to put anymore of my shit on their plate but I also know that I can’t do this alone.

Anyone out there have ANY advice?

learning to find my balance…

So after several consecutive days on the bike I took today off…my knees were starting to bother me and I know I need to listen when my body is telling me I am pushing myself too hard. I burn approx 630+ calories every time I get on the bike and I don’t eat all that much (not on purpose I just find that I never have the time lol) and so I am hoping this new found outlet brings me mental clarity and the chance to shed some MUCH needed pounds.

MB (my therapist) and I have been dealing with my body image issues. This is a topic that I am struggling with on many levels. I’m not doing any of the DBT skills work in my therapy with MB so I am trying to keep those skills in the forefront as I deal with some of these issues that are deeply rooted.

Lately I find myself finding it harder and harder to hide the stuff I have going on from coming out in destructive ways. I have gotten so good at being able to let things go, to be able to table my personal issues and keep it out of work but lately it’s becoming so hard. I find myself getting defensive for no reason, angry and upset at the little things and more and more my mind is going to self harm first and I am not able to focus on anything else. I even contemplated calling a suicide hotline the other day because I was so down. I ended up crying myself to sleep but the idea of a suicide hotline used to scare me…this time is sounded like a comfort. I don’t want to die and yet it’s sometimes the ONLY thing I can think about.

I am usually able to handle the stresses of my job (mostly) with ease but lately I feel like nothing I do is right, nothing I say is right and regardless of how hard I work and how hard I push myself it doesn’t matter. The problem is ME. I think these things and people can tell me over and over again the truth but my mind can’t focus on anything but the negative and false reality it seems to have cultivated. It’s like my brain is stuck in this fucked up loop of bullshit and no matter how much I try and reign myself back to reality I can’t get off the ride. I am taking some time off coming up – I need to be able to regroup and let myself decompress from the everyday crap that I can usually shrug off but as of late am only able to obsessively focus on.

I wish it was easier for me to be able to ride out the bad waves. Sometimes I can do it with ease but the past week or so it has felt like I am drowning in this wave. I come up for air and get sucked back down. It’s exhausting to fight the wave. I know I can’t falter, I can’t fall back into my old patterns and yet I can feel myself doing it. I committed myself to getting through this, for trying to live with borderline.

During my session with MB I confessed to her that I had tried to reach out to E but her email was no longer valid. She said “I am so glad you brought that up – she and I were emailing back and forth and she wanted me to share something with you”. A part of me was scared to hear what MB was going to say next or maybe I had just convinced myself that E left and didn’t give a shit about me or my quest for wellness. What MB said next brought happy tears to my eyes. She said that E got the job she had wanted and that she felt terrible but that for some reason she was never able to access her email when she left. She said she would be in contact with me when her new work email was up and running. As happy as I was…I felt like a complete and total asshole. I doubted one of the only people in my life who ever really cared and took an interest in helping me get better. She didn’t forget me…MB said she clearly thinks about me and that bond means something. How could I so quickly dismiss it? how could I think she would abandon me?

How do you guys handle the harder times? What things are you able to do to help you from self destructing?

On a lot of days my borderline just seems like another little piece of who I am and on other days it feels like that is the ONLY thing I am. That kind of back and forth to my emotional mind can be extraordinary difficult to manage and on the days where I can’t seem to focus on anything except the negative it can be so scary. Sometimes I worry I will cut again, sometimes I worry that the urges to drive my car into a lamp post will be so intense that I won’t be able to find a way to save myself. I know it probably sounds dramatic and over the top – sometimes I can’t find a middle ground…like I only have 2 ways to think. High or Low. No middle or common ground.

I need to find that balance. I need to believe that I have it deep inside me. Some days that is easier to believe than others – I just have to keep cleaning my lens and focusing on the things that matter, the important things in my life. I HAVE things to live for, I have people I care about and people who care about me…the ability to get through it is in me, I just have to dig a little deeper to find it.

Happy Friday everyone and thanks for listening!

 

Tears, fears and abandonment

I tried to email E this week…we had an agreement that I could email her and she might not respond. I was and AM fully okay with that plan. We agreed on it in my very last session with her because she didn’t want me to feel abandoned. The problem? Her email is no longer valid.

hello feelings of abandonment…it’s been awhile…I haven’t missed you.

I cried myself last night feeling so alone. I knew E and I wouldn’t really be “friends” once she left but knowing I had the ability to still reach out made it feel a lot less scary. It helped to know even if she never responded that she was out there still somehow connected to me. Now? Now it is just a void. An empty hole.

I know it’s dramatic, I know it doesn’t make sense. A loss is a loss…so I have to grieve it.

In our last session she gave me a book. A book that meant a lot to her a book that now means a lot to me. I can’t even look at it without crying. It’s practically soaked in my tears right now. I trusted her with pieces I had never even fully admitted to myself before. My dark secrets. The first person to not give a shit about the bad but dug deep inside to pull out the good I still had hidden deep inside. The good I didn’t even know I had anymore.

Maybe I rely too much on others. Maybe I just suffocate those who take the time to get to know me.

I cried all day today. A mix of tears really. J sent me a really frank email that gave me reason to cry happy tears for her, proud tears for her but also tears that made me sad for me. She has so much on her plate, things she needs to work out on her own and her own demons to face. But like most things in order to help her our friendship needs to take a back seat and the creative endeavors we constantly work on will cease for awhile. I’m sad for me because maybe I used those creative endeavors as a crutch, perhaps I wasn’t getting better just finding better ways to hide? I cried happy tears for her and proud tears for her because it was so brave of her to admit what she needs to do. I couldn’t be any prouder to know her let alone have her in my life.

Am I the monster? Am I the reason why everyone leaves? What will it take to find some stability, to have a life? I ruin everything good. All I ever wanted in life was to feel like I mattered and yet when I find people in my life who make me feel like it I push them away and run scared. Those people deserve better than what I give back. I can’t apologize anymore for who I am and what I put people through.

I might not be fully broken but I certainly don’t feel like I could ever be whole. I believed E when she said I could reach out to her, that she would still be there even if she didn’t respond. Maybe the truth is she IS still there for me but right now? right now the tears flow faster than they have in a long time.

It’s funny. After years of not ever being able to cry, of thinking I had no tears left…lately? they don’t stop. Is it possible to drown in tears?

a photo to reflect on

It has been a long time since I have posted. I have lots to say and finding less and less time to say it all. I plan on making time to keep this site updated even if it is just a few sentences. I owe it to myself not to quit yet another thing in my life.

My littler sister L got married this past weekend. It was beautiful. It was in a remote location with no cell service and no internet. I have to admit the idea of ‘unplugging’ was hard for me since I constantly check my work email but it was surprisingly nice. I got to sit on a dock (we couldn’t swim because of leeches 😦 oh well) and take in the beautiful and incredible few days.

Here is a picture of that little piece of heaven.

beautiful

Makes you wish you were there huh? I know I’d like to go back there. The sky at night…you could see the stars go on forever. Magical doesn’t even seem like the right word to describe it. I spent most of my younger years looking forward to the day when I no longer lived in the country and had the “city life” and now that I have gotten that part of my life out of my system? the country life is exactly what I need.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I never saw all the beauty that it held before but I know in order to appreciate it the way I do now I needed to take some time away from it. Even still…the twinkle of those stars brought me back to a time in my life when things felt simple, less chaotic. In this place time stood still. This place touched a part of my heart that I had closed off – it has helped me realize a lot of things. Some of those things I will share here and some are too personal to share just yet. But when the time is right I will.

It has been over two weeks since I have seen M for a session…it has been super hard but good for me to find my own footing, deal with the daily ups and downs without the constant need for a professional to help me see the correct way to deal with things. I am sort of proud of myself for doing that, for getting through it all and not losing it. The waves come and go and I need to learn to ride them better but I am slowly but surely getting to a place where I am able to make that happen.

Who knows what tomorrow brings…I hope you guys will still be here to join me on this crazy ride.

Fighting through the pain

The lessons are love

Lessons of love, that’s what they are.

We usually don’t know what the lesson is while we’re learning it. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Besides, if we knew it, really knew it, we wouldn’t need to learn it. We’d already be practicing it in our daily lives. Byt even when we don’t know what the lesson is, we can know one thing: it’s a lesson of love.

Courage. Faith. Patience. Loving ourselves when it looks and feels like nobody else cares. Starting over again one more time, when we think we’ve already started over again more times than we should have had to. Forgiveness. Compassion. Gentleness. Joy. Each one is a lesson of love.

For many of us, the problem isn’t that we haven’t had love in our lives before. The issue is that we haven’t understood love. Know this: not only are the lessons about love, the lessons themselves are love.

Feel your feelings. Struggle through your situations and experiences and emotions. The struggle to learn isn’t incidental to your purpose. It’s an integral part of your purpose, your destiny, your reason for being. Go through your moments of darkness and confusion, and trust that the light will come. Through it all, rest in one thought: you’re on track. You’re on your path.

You’re connected to love. You’re connected to God. And the lessons you’re learning are lessons of love.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

Usually the passages of love tend to make me feel uncomfortable because learning to love myself is still pretty new to me.

I still struggle to feel the emotions, to sit with them, to try and understand them.

When things get tough for me now…I look at the picture of B’s grave. I look at it and remember how I told her I was going to work as hard as I can to get better.

I remember what it felt like to actually be there, to face that fear. It’s a reminder that facing the fears won’t kill me; that they can make me stronger.

Every moment I am learning, growing, changing…it’s all a process. I’m not thrilled with that since I am not patient lol but I am working at trying to be more patient with myself.

I am learning to allow myself to feel the feelings I have, to sit with my emotions and try and understand why I have them.

It’s not easy – especially when the emotions are anger. I hate thinking of myself as an “angry” person…it was almost easier to think of myself as depressed or anxious.

I know that anger is a normal human emotion but feeling it? Sometimes it makes me feel out of control.

I always wonder how much of my past could have been different if I had gotten help sooner, if I had found B’s grave sooner…but the reality is I didn’t. The reality is I found her when I was meant to, when I was emotionally well enough to. I loved her, I miss her and she will always be a part of me. I know this now. I am learning how to let go of the baggage and hold onto the memories. The old me didn’t understand the difference. I wasn’t open enough and my lens wasn’t clear enough to see it until now.

Hopefully this weekend I will write up what my last session with E was like. The emotions are still strong. She was such an important part of my life, I know I was an important part of her life. I won’t end up sharing everything because a lot of that I need for myself – but she meant so much to me and the last session was no exception to that.

The end isn’t always the end…

Tomorrow is the big day – my LAST official session with E.

I, for the first time in my life, completed a task that was super important to me for someone else. I finished E’s painting, matted and framed it. I PRAY she likes it.

Effiefinal1

It’s hard to see in the picture but the color of the mat is a deep purple color – it helps bring out the purple in the sky and the colors in the shading on the petals.

I’m happy with how it looks. I’ve never really been happy with anything I’ve done…at least not happy enough to frame and give to someone as important to me as E. Don’t get me wrong I’ve given J tons of my stuff but I’ve never done something specifically for someone else…it’s extraordinarily personal.

Anyways…I will let you know what she says after my session with her…my last session 😦 The daily meditation for yesterday July 13th

See the snow on the Desert

I drove through Arizona’s petrified forest, a land where dinosaurs once roamed, then headed across the painted desert. A light dusting of snow covered the sane and shrubs. I felt both awe and surprise at the scene nature had created.

Nature does many things. Tornadoes blow across the land. Hurricanes pound the shores. Bolts of lightning streak through the sky. Dust storms fill the air. Nature petrifies wood, turning tress into beautiful crystal rocks, glowing with brilliant red and orange fossilized patterns. Nature takes centuries to carve bridges out of stone, using only wings and rains and the flow of water from other rocks. And sometimes, she puts snow on the forest.

Many things happen in our lives. Some of them are probable, consequential. Some of them are fluke and seem to come out of the blue, from nowhere. All the events work into a pattern, helping to create us, create our path through life, create our destiny. Sometimes we’re influenced greatly by a traumatic storm. Other times seemingly chance occurrences can change the entire pattern and course of our lives.

We don’t have to understand everything. Maybe we aren’t supposed to. We don’t have to be prepared for all the storms. Sometimes the greatest learning occurs when we’re caught off guard, by surprise.

Weather the storms. Let them pass. Keep your balance, as best you are able. Remember to be flexible and sway with the winds like the tall tress in the forest. Trust the flukes, too, those moments when it snows on the desert. Let destiny have its way with you.

Well if this isn’t EXACTLY what I needed to read.

E was my snow on the desert.

It wasn’t going to be there forever but the time it was there was wonderful.

She taught me to look outside the box, she taught me how to react and communicate with people better.

Her time in my life was for a reason.

She was here to teach me something just as my friendship with J, MM and JS have taught me.

I don’t know what the future holds but I whatever it is I will get through it: the good, the bad and the ugly.

I know I will get through it because of the friendships I have now and because I have the skills E taught me (and that will stay with me).

Tomorrow is going to be extremely difficult emotionally but I will get through it.

ch-ch-ch-changes

Clear the path to your heart

I watched Old Faithful from my window. The geyser gurgles and spewed a low layer of steam. Then true to its name, Old Faithful erupted and sprayed thousands of gallons of steaming water into the air. Right on time.

A full range of gurgling emotions, reactions, and responses to life line the pathway to the heart. We need to feel them all – anger, hurt, sadness, irritations – in order to feel joy. To experience life and all its wonders, we must embrace all these feelings.

We need to experience the little angers as well as the big hurts, the painful wounds that life sometimes brings. To insist that we will only feel pleasant emotions means we’re blocking the pathway to the heart. We’re ignoring all the other gurgling emotions that need to be felt.

All our emotions are important; all need to be recognized. The energy of each needs to be acknowledged and released. This clears the way for love. All the emotions that precede love clear the heart so it’s pure and free to feel joy.

Trust your emotions. All of them. You’re not off the path. They lead to the path you’re seeking. They are the journey to the heart. Let them flow freely. And sure as Old Faithful, your heart will come gleaming, shining through.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I wonder about this sometimes. I wonder why I have such a hard time allowing myself to feel all the emotions and why I let myself be angry when I feel the ones I don’t want to feel.
I spent a fair amount of time with E today talking about my progress.
I have learned a LOT in the past year – I have done a TON of work on myself.
I am learning how to adapt and adjust in times of change.
I am learning how to listen to myself (and my body).
I am learning how to ask for help and admitting that I can’t ALWAYS “do it all”.
And while I learn these things I also learn that it is OKAY.

Radical acceptance that there are a lot of things I cannot change – things that are just out of my control.
I need to find ways to adapt and adjust and I AM doing that now.
I am learning how to speak up and communicate in the proper ways.
I am learning how to BE.

Monday is my last session.
I know that I am ready for the next chapter – she referred to it as me “graduating” to a more intense therapy.
She thinks I am ready too.
I am nervous, excited, scared and sad about it.
I wish she didn’t have to leave but I KNOW that she is going to go off and do amazing things and help lots of people just like me.
I am grateful to have her in my life.

We talked about how “ending” relationships are different for me now.
How now I am allowing myself to see the lessons in the relationships and not just the negative.
We talked about S & K (two past friendships that ended very badly) and how I closed myself off so much and by doing so I also closed off the good memories.
By putting up the walls that I did I didn’t allow myself to look back and see all that I learned from them – I denied myself that opportunity because I thought I was protecting myself.
I’m not doing that this time…and that is a big step for me.

We talked about how much time I spend at J’s place and how I feel so at peace there.
She suggested that I bring a digital recorder and record some of the sounds so I can incorporate them into my “meditation time”. The sounds of nature, the river, the birds, the breeze…it all feels so comfortable to me…so peaceful, like time stands still.
And I thought that was a GREAT idea so I have asked J if I can do this. I hope she says yes but will completely understand if she says no.

I think I am allowing my sadness of E leaving to be projected onto my painting for her. I hate so much how it looks right now.
I will still be giving it to her, framing it and in our last session we are going to have cupcakes and “create”.
She asked me what I wanted to do and I said that “art” was something that was really important to me and I wanted to share it with her.
She is stepping outside her “box” for it so that makes me kind of smile 🙂

I know it’s worth the fight

I have Grace Potter ‘Can’t See Through” lyrics running through my head. Sometimes when lyrics get stuck in my head I hate it – I can’t figure out how or why they are there. I think these lyrics are incredibly appropriate for today and where I am at in my journey:

I’m not quite broken but I’m not quite right
But I keep on going ’cause I think it’s worth the fight

And if you aren’t familiar with Grace Potter you really should be. I have seen her perform live and she is just…ENERGY. Below is the official video for “The Lion, The Beast and The Beat” – watch it, you will be happy you did.

 

So I got my ass handed to me at work today. Do you ever feel like no matter how much you do you feel like you haven’t accomplished a damn thing? That was my entire day basically from the moment I got in until the moment I left. I hate those kinds of days. I felt GOOD about what I had accomplished however I find it hard to actually celebrate those moments because I am worried about when it is all going to blow up in my face, when the other shoe is going to drop.

M is cleared to come back to work full time on Monday – if I’m honest I don’t have a lot of confidence in it but it is out of my hands and out of my control. I need to worry about my work and now that she is back she will have the be responsible for whatever mistakes she makes and I need to let go of the fact that MM, JS and I spent months doing her job and just go about it all like she never hit her head. It is FAR easier said than done.

I actually have plans this weekend and I am looking forward to them. I have such incredible friends and people in my life. How and when did I get to be so lucky? Can you believe a year ago I wanted to kill myself? It’s strange to think about…it’s not that I don’t think about it anymore because I do. I think the difference is that now even though the thoughts are there I know that they don’t control me anymore.

Today’s meditation:

You’re right where you need to be

You’re right where you need to be – on your path, guided, in just the right place for you today.

Many times on my journey I stopped short, convinced I would never find the place I was trying to find, only to discover that it was right in front of me all the time. I had gone there instinctively. Gone right where I needed to go, right where I was heading.

There is a part of us that knows where we need to be and understands where we really want to go. There’s a place in us that has the map, even if our eyes and conscious mind can’t see it, can’t figure it out, or aren’t certain it’s there.

If you’re spinning in circles, feeling lost and confused, trying to figure out where you need to be and not all that certain where you’re going, stop. Breathe deeply. Look around.

You’re right where you need to be. Maybe you’ve been there all along.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

WOW.

Intense stuff but so very very true.

Thinking about my journey a lot lately. Thinking about where I was, where I’ve been and where I am going. The people who have been on my journey (those who are still there and those who have gone) and I feel at peace. It’s not total happiness yet – but it’s a place where I am learning to feel the good as well as the bad. It’s the most I have felt alive in my entire life. It isn’t always simple and easy but there is a lot to be said for the comfort of this kind of stability.

I owe so much to E and the girls. They have been such a driving force in my recovery.

 

 

 

Bracing myself for change

I had a session with M today – as much as I know that she is going to push me, as much as I am going to miss E, I am looking forward to the next chapter in my recovery. I talked a little about my childhood in session today, I really don’t like to talk about my childhood because there is so much I literally can’t remember. Black holes where memories should be. It’s scary to realize that, scary to know that my method for dealing with those black holes was cutting.

Lots of changes are coming…I can feel it like the breeze on a summers day. I want to run from it but I know I can’t, I know better now. I can face these changes, I can handle change now. I think THAT realization alone is a big step for me and I am learning to be okay with that. For so long I couldn’t give myself kudos when I do something good, I couldn’t ever be proud of myself no matter what the accomplishment – I never found ANY good within myself. Now I know better.

Thanks to the people in my life now I know that I am someone who has value and even during the darkest of times they have stuck by me. They have been there to wipe away my tears, hold my hand and help me face the things I fear the most. How lucky am I?

Today’s meditation:

 

You are a perfect balance of yin and yang

I trudged to the top of the mesa in Sedona. A woman I’d met had told me what to look for. There it was: a rock formation, a naturally formed statue. On the left side, the formation looked like a woman, an Egyptian goddess with necklace and breasts. On the right, it had taken the shape of a male. I found it immediately. A statue with two sides, two faces – one male, one female.

For many years, I denied the feminine part of God, of the universe, of myself. I thought my strength and power that to come from other parts, other sides. I resented my femininity, raged about it, because I thought being feminine meant bring helpless and powerless. But I’ve learned something along the way. There is a power in the feminine and power in the masculine. Both parts are in us. Both parts are valuable.

Our strength, courage, protectiveness, and the ability to decide, organize, plan, order, and choose reflect masculine energy. Our creativity, sensitivity, emotions, vulnerability, intuition and instincts for nurturing and caregiving are the wisdom of the feminine side.

Honor and respect the masculine and feminine energy, the yin and yang to yourself, the universe, the people around you. Both parts are important. Both can be trusted. Learn to let them work together in harmony.

Climb to the top of the mountain. Look around. See the perfect balance of masculine and feminine. Let that balance come alive in you.

Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

It’s funny because I read this and all I could think of was J.

J has this aura about her – this ability to just be herself and look so effortless. There is something so impressive about her organic nature and harmonious way of thinking. I sometimes find myself so jealous of her and not in a bad way – just that she lives in a way I always wanted to. She is so at one with nature and the earth – it’s inspiring. She makes me want to be a better person – if you ask me that is a TRUE friendship.

Sometimes I feel like a statue with two sides. I spent most of my life ignoring my feminine side because I spent much time thinking I wasn’t pretty or beautiful. I spent so much time being angry at that, that I overlooked the power that it could have. When you spent your life growing up playing 3 sports, relating more to guys…it’s hard to appreciate that power let alone see it. Since I have met J and the girls at work and started to come out of my shell I am trying to embrace the feminine side, I am trying to harness the power that it holds.

They have shown me a part of myself I thought I never had and I can’t thank them enough for that. Each day I learn, grow and find happiness. They have helped me to learn to live.