rough session…rough day

MB and I had out weekly session today and for some reason it was a rough one. I think the more we dig the more shit we dig up the the harder it is to face. I am working so hard every single day and sometimes it feels like I have made zero progress – it’s so frustrating.

I have spent the past 23+ years angry and hating myself because of what OTHER people put into my head. Now the only problem is that it is now programmed into my head and I can’t seem to turn it off. It plays over and over and the voices are just there constantly feeding into every single ounce of self doubt that I have and no matter how hard I try and combat them I can’t seem to win. I fight and I fight and I fight and I never win.

I told MB today that the never ending cycle of trying to better myself feels like I am a hamster on a wheel. I spin and I spin and I never get anywhere. I’ve done diets upon diets…I’ve done it healthy, I’ve done it not healthy, I’ve done pills and I’ve done gyms and she said “well then what do you think you should do” and I said “get off the fucking wheel.” I was surprised at how quickly I responded to that. I told her I never thought of doing nothing..my life has always felt as though there were limits put on it when it came to my weight and eating. The idea of continuing with cooking, working out on my bike but not putting that pressure on myself to have it “change my life” I dunno…it hit me hard.

MB loves to timeline things out – this is both good and bad for me. Good because I have to face a lot of fucking facts that frankly I wouldn’t be nearly as fucked up as I am right now and bad for the same reasons lol. I can’t blame my mom for it all though – I have to be partially responsible. I could have spoken up sooner, I knew it was wrong to cut, i knew thinking about killing myself was wrong but I never had someone I could reach out to. I have that now and I have people in my life who don’t give a shit about what I weigh, what I look like or what I wear. I have people in my life that just love me for who I am: flaws and all. I can’t even love all the flaws yet and somehow they do. That kind of a gift? that is something that you can’t repay.

Before I leave my sessions MB always asks the same question “can you stay safe until I see you next” and USUALLY I’m pretty quick to say ‘YES’ but today, today she knew I wasn’t myself. I paused for a few seconds and said (not looking at her) “I’m fine” and since MB knows me back from when I was seeing E and doing DBT group she knows “I’m fine” is not really fine. We talked about finding out some health news about my mom and what feelings that brought up for me and the fact that I have my stress test on Friday and she knows how I am struggling with the decision I will eventually be faced with: having an ultrasound to determine my heart valve size or not having it. I thought a LOT of my uncle K today. He was just on my mind. He died so young and I wonder what HE would have done. I miss him so much.

So to avoid all these feelings I came home and ate some dinner – I wasn’t in a real cooking mood so I had just picked up some chicken from the grocery store already cooked. I had an urge to cook a little while ago and so I decided to make little mini apple pies (using a pumpkin pie mold I got from Crate and Barrel) and they actually turned out pretty yummy!!

Before Cooking

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After Cooking

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I think I will have to make these again.

For now I am going to relax and head off to bed. Goodnight all.

Facing demons…and it’s not even Halloween.

(my life has been so hectic I have been trying to get this post done since MONDAY lol)

So Saturday was one of my oldest friends wedding. I love H, she and I have been friends since high school and even though it can be months and months in between phone calls, emails, facebook messages we can just pick up like no time has passed. I knew going to this wedding there were going to be several girls there who made my teen years a living hell and lucky me…I got sat at the SAME table as all of them. At least this is the view I got to experience during the reception.

FALLDAY

Facing several of the girls who made my teen years a living hell was much harder than I anticipated it would be. It’s true when people say girls are cruel, mean and vicious. These girls would smile at you to your face as they were doing whatever they could to tear you down behind your back and here I was sitting back in front of them 10 years later and it didn’t seem like anything had changed. With some things hadn’t changed at all – same bitchy girls they always had been. JC was much nicer than I remember and seeing JM was great since she and I had been close in middle school and lost touch over the years.

All in all it was an emotionally exhausting day but I got through it. The days following where exhausting and left me feeling a little bit empty and devoid of anything. I got through this big event but not without feeling like I did when I was 15 years old again. Locking myself in my apartment, not showering, refusing to leave to see people…I became the hermit I used to be but this time I didn’t cut, I didn’t binge, I didn’t lose control. But it took every single ounce of who I was to not lose control that I didn’t have the energy to do a single thing.

I have been experimenting a lot in the kitchen as of late. Trying to make new foods and branch out and try new things. It’s been a great way for me to build my mastery skills and allow myself to find time for mindfulness. I still hate doing the dishes but now the dishes are less of a chore since I treat them as a mindfulness exercise. I haven’t gone too far out of the box but I’ve made some interesting dishes including homemade chunky applesauce, pumpkin bread and margherta pizza 🙂 It gives me a little bit of satisfaction like the way painting does – creating something myself. Cooking really can be therapeutic and I have to thank J for encouraging me to get out there and trying my hand at it all!

MB and I have been working on my self image in our weekly sessions and I wanted to do my part and have my yearly physical. My old PCP had left (I miss her – she really was a GREAT doctor) and met with the new doctor she transitioned me to. PS is a an okay doctor – she reminds me a LOT of Pam from the Office and she really does look like Jenna Fischer. I knew going into the physical that my weight was going to be an issue but something else came up that has left me feeling very overwhelmed. Because I hadn’t seen PS before she asked if there were any new medical conditions in my family and I mentioned the passing of my uncle K and the cardiac issues that we are now discovering throughout my mothers side of the family and so she thought it would be a good idea to get a baseline EKG just to have on file. I agreed. I had been told before that I had bradycardia so I wasn’t too worried about anything that an EKG might bring up and although I was pretty adamant that I don’t want to know if I suffer from what killed my uncle K and what my mother currently has I knew an EKG wouldn’t be able to determine that.

EKGs are funny…15 minutes to get all the things hooked up to you for something that takes like 2 minutes to read your heart. Needless to say I found out that at one point I had “an extra heart beat” and there was some other abnormalities that PS wanted to talk to her superior about. I sat in that office for 30 minutes before she came back. She (and her boss) feel that there is a possibility of ischemia and that I need to have a stress test. She didn’t really go into a lot of the details of what these abnormalities were and I am sure they are nothing but given the current cardiac issues that seem to be popping up in my family I have to admit it scared me. I tried to play it off that it was no big deal but on the inside? on the inside I was (and am) freaking out.

I feel like a complete wuss by freaking out over something that I have no control over. If I have these cardiac issues having the tests or not having the tests isn’t going to change that fact. In the words of J “what is meant to be is to be” and I understand that. I’m having the stress test next Friday because I have that day off. I will wait to find out the results of that before I decide if I want the ultrasound which will tell me if the valves of my aorta are enlarged and if heart surgery is anywhere in my future. These are all SCARY things for me. Facing down the idea of a death that I haven’t planned out myself – every thought of my own demise up until now was at my own hand. This is new territory and I don’t think people can fully understand what that weight feels like. I’ve spent the past year and a half working on WANTING to live and now I feel like I am at a crossroads. One path to get fully tested and if the results mean surgery or something life threatening then I will fight to live and the other path to continue to live without ever fully knowing the truth and possibly dying at any moment without warning.

Why do I feel like there isn’t a right answer here? I can’t talk with my family because whatever choice I make I need to feel supported and my biological family has already made it clear they don’t support my choice NOT to find out. MB and I always go back to the ‘broken coke machine’ analogy when it comes to my mother. I know MM and J will fully support whatever decision I make but I have put them both through so much with my ups and downs these past two years – it feels unfair to put anymore of my shit on their plate but I also know that I can’t do this alone.

Anyone out there have ANY advice?

Day off…

For one of the first times in my life I CHOSE to have some time off from work – a 4 day weekend! I don’t do this often and I am still working hard at not feeling guilty about it but it needed to be done. The pressure I put on myself when I am in the office is starting to become a little overwhelming. We have performance appraisals coming up and I am having a mini panic attack. I work super hard and the quality of my work is spot-on but that has NEVER been where my needs for improvement have come up. My needs for improvement have always been directed at my interpersonal skills (accurately directed…I completely acknowledge that).

Don’t get me wrong…I can TAKE constructive criticism and honestly? without it I am not sure if I would have made the strides I have over this past year. But I am just so wanting to go into my supervisors office and just hear the positive. I have been pushing, struggling, working so hard at trying to use my skills, trying to harness them and apply them to the very best of my ability. In the words of J (that I constantly tell myself  when things seem hard) “try harder.” The appraisals are based on more than just my supervisors observations but the observations of my peers – and considering my past with MO I am not so sure that I am going to have a lot of positive come from whatever she wrote about me. I know that I still need to work on stress management and learning how to hide it on my face. I know I still need to work on keeping my personal life out of work but I am so desperately hoping that the hard work I have been putting in doesn’t go unnoticed by the people I work with.

I can’t lose my job but what if this is the best I can possible do? What if no matter how much I try, no matter how much I work at using my skills it is never enough? My friend D told me I needed to learn how to “play the game” but that just seems so fake to me. Maybe it is my lack of wanting to “play the game” that will keep me from ever being considered as a leader at my job. I love my job and I love the work that we do – I know I won’t walk into my appraisal without SOME constructive feedback on areas of improvement (bring it on..I WANT to hear the constructive feedback) but I also want there to be a lot more positive feedback then I have gotten in the past. I just worry and FEAR that as much progress as I have made over the past 2 years of being there (I will have been there for 2 years in 12 days) won’t be enough.

Even on a day off I can’t stop worrying about work…there must be something really wrong with me.

To get out of my own head I went to the bookstore to get lost in inspiration. Got a few magazines, relaxed, and spent hours away from my computer and away from my email. I wanted to just stop thinking about my job, the stresses of not being enough and wondering how my performance appraisal is going to go. It was a BEAUTIFUL autumn day yesterday. The colors, the smells…it is my FAVORITE season. There is a crisp in the air, the vibrant colors bring to life the surroundings. Sometimes I wish I had the talent to be able to paint it all.

I have the wedding of one of my oldest friends today. I am feeling VERY conflicted because I love and adore my friend H but the group of people who I think are going to be there have only ever liked me when I was drunk because that was when I would come “out of my shell”. When you spend your life as the “funny fat friend” breaking that chain of thought is excruciating – I so desperately just want to get through this.  The expectations of “Drunk K” are going to be high and being surrounded by a lot of the people who made my teen years a LIVING hell is going to be it extraordinarily difficult to maintain a healthy balance. I can’t allow myself to be 16 again…I can’t give in to the pressures my mind is going to be pushing. God, I hope I am strong enough for this.

 

Wish me luck & have an amazing weekend…

cue the full blown anxiety…

I have a date tomorrow night with a guy I met on OKCupid. I am freaking out.

My last experience was my friend C trying to hook me up with the guy she is seeings friend D…She texted D a picture of me and then boom all of a sudden he was always “busy” or “working overtime” when she was trying to plan a double date. Eventually she got it out of him that it was because of how I looked. Talk about a way to KILL your self-esteem. This has been my entire life. Never good enough, never smart enough, never skinny enough, never pretty enough…so this “date” tomorrow. This is HUGE for me.

I have never been much of a ‘dater’ basically for the reasons I outlined above. It’s hard to date when you hate yourself and spend most of the time you are wishing you are dead. The guy, G, seems really nice, outgoing, a lot of fun. We’ve been talking for a few days and he asked if I wanted to go out. The problem is I do and yet the fear is just so incredibly overwhelming. How is it that I am 30 years old and I am scared fucking shitless about a date?! what the fuck is that?

J said she would go with me as a buffer – I think my level of fear and anxiety warrants a buffer but it also makes me feel like a child…like I need a chaperone. I think J understands what a huge leap this is for me and that helps. We are just gonna meet up and have some beers and maybe get some food and I was completely honest with him that I needed to take things super slow. I’m pretty sure announcing on a first “date” that I am fucked in the head, have borderline personality disorder and have spent most of my life wishing I was dead is NOT the right way to go so I am trying to play it cool. The less he knows about my mental state the better. What if he walks in and turns around when he sees me? what if I’m not good enough? these are the fears and thoughts running through my mind. I don’t want to be lonely, I do want to find someone to connect with on an intimate level the problem is my anxiety.  J is convinced this is good for me and I KNOW she is right…but I’m so fucking anxious. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me? I know I deserve to find someone….but my brain just keeps telling me I’m not enough.

On a far better note? who knows anymore, M brought in her high school yearbook to work. I got to see pictures of B when she was in high school. Do you have any idea how extraordinarily amazing it was to see those? To be able to make copies and have a piece of her that I never had before? God, it’s incredible. She was voted ‘Best Looking’ and ‘Best Body’ and was on the prom court and honor society – she looked just as beautiful as I remembered her. I’m crying right now just typing this. She meant so much to me and it was just SO sweet and wonderful of M to bring back her high school year book so I could have pictures of B, pictures I am not sure anyone in my family has seen before. Her smile…that is what I remember most, that is what I miss.

The quote on her senior picture

“All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen”

That quote sums her up perfectly and reminds me not only of her but J. I’m still convinced B played a big part in me getting the job I have and bringing me to my work family. The day she died the world lost an incredible soul and heaven gained a beautiful angel. I have to remember that I got several amazing years with someone who I will always consider a second mother – I have to hold onto that and let go of the anger and sadness. I would give anything to see her again but I wouldn’t give back a single minute of the time I got with her.

And now that I am a blubbering mess I am going to go onto tonight’s meditation:

Tap into the creative flow

Life is creative, and so are you. Let the creative energy of the universe come alive for you. Let it help you bring your creativity alive. Let it bring you the answers, the direction, the guidance you need to create. Let it bring you your ingredients.

What are you trying to create? A more loving, open relationship? More spiritual growth? A new job? A book? A new home? A friendship? A play? A dong? A quilt? A meal? A budget? Ask the universe for the help you need. Ask it to help you find your ingredients; ask it to help you form your vision, get clear on your ideas, and produce the best creation you can.

Your answer may come quickly. As we grow and embrace our connection to the universe, as we embrace our connection to ourselves, we find many of our answers appearing almost immediately. If the answer doesn’t come right away, don’t try to force it. The help will come. The idea will come. The next ingredient for your creation will appear. Sometimes the answer will come softly, almost as a whisper. Other times the guidance will be loud and clear. You will see and hear the guidance clearly and easily when you continue to love yourself.

Tap into the creative energy of the universe. It will help you tap into your own. To tap into God and the creative force, just tap into your heart.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

I’m crying happy tears right now.  I asked the universe for a real family. And I got one.

J is the loud and clear guidance that I needed, wanted and feared. She pushed me in ways that MAKE me want to be better. She has shown me what the universe has to offer.

Enjoying life, connecting with nature, watching the birds, the butterflies and gardening…she taught me all of those things. At least she taught me how to be OPEN to all those things and by doing that she helped me discover parts of myself that I never knew I had. I am so lucky and blessed to have such incredible and wonderful people in my life and I need to learn to listen to them more when they are trying to teach me about life and lessons in learning to be myself, forgive myself and finding out who *I* am.

I may not always be sure what I am doing or where this path is going to take me but as long as I have my FAMILY by my side I know I am going to be okay. J and the girls have helped me in ways I never thought possible, they helped me tear down the walls I built up and never once judged me. They love and care about ME and there are no strings attached to it – it is just pure and simple love. I never knew that existed. How blessed am I?

Goodnight world.

 

 

I know it’s worth the fight

I have Grace Potter ‘Can’t See Through” lyrics running through my head. Sometimes when lyrics get stuck in my head I hate it – I can’t figure out how or why they are there. I think these lyrics are incredibly appropriate for today and where I am at in my journey:

I’m not quite broken but I’m not quite right
But I keep on going ’cause I think it’s worth the fight

And if you aren’t familiar with Grace Potter you really should be. I have seen her perform live and she is just…ENERGY. Below is the official video for “The Lion, The Beast and The Beat” – watch it, you will be happy you did.

 

So I got my ass handed to me at work today. Do you ever feel like no matter how much you do you feel like you haven’t accomplished a damn thing? That was my entire day basically from the moment I got in until the moment I left. I hate those kinds of days. I felt GOOD about what I had accomplished however I find it hard to actually celebrate those moments because I am worried about when it is all going to blow up in my face, when the other shoe is going to drop.

M is cleared to come back to work full time on Monday – if I’m honest I don’t have a lot of confidence in it but it is out of my hands and out of my control. I need to worry about my work and now that she is back she will have the be responsible for whatever mistakes she makes and I need to let go of the fact that MM, JS and I spent months doing her job and just go about it all like she never hit her head. It is FAR easier said than done.

I actually have plans this weekend and I am looking forward to them. I have such incredible friends and people in my life. How and when did I get to be so lucky? Can you believe a year ago I wanted to kill myself? It’s strange to think about…it’s not that I don’t think about it anymore because I do. I think the difference is that now even though the thoughts are there I know that they don’t control me anymore.

Today’s meditation:

You’re right where you need to be

You’re right where you need to be – on your path, guided, in just the right place for you today.

Many times on my journey I stopped short, convinced I would never find the place I was trying to find, only to discover that it was right in front of me all the time. I had gone there instinctively. Gone right where I needed to go, right where I was heading.

There is a part of us that knows where we need to be and understands where we really want to go. There’s a place in us that has the map, even if our eyes and conscious mind can’t see it, can’t figure it out, or aren’t certain it’s there.

If you’re spinning in circles, feeling lost and confused, trying to figure out where you need to be and not all that certain where you’re going, stop. Breathe deeply. Look around.

You’re right where you need to be. Maybe you’ve been there all along.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’ by Melody Beattie

WOW.

Intense stuff but so very very true.

Thinking about my journey a lot lately. Thinking about where I was, where I’ve been and where I am going. The people who have been on my journey (those who are still there and those who have gone) and I feel at peace. It’s not total happiness yet – but it’s a place where I am learning to feel the good as well as the bad. It’s the most I have felt alive in my entire life. It isn’t always simple and easy but there is a lot to be said for the comfort of this kind of stability.

I owe so much to E and the girls. They have been such a driving force in my recovery.

 

 

 

as the end gets near..

and no  I don’t mean that in some morbid way. Today I scheduled my last few sessions with E before she is off to start her own career in another state. I can’t fully begin to process what this means to me, what this means to my recovery, what it means to the next chapters of my life.

You know that feeling in your stomach when something new is happening? It isn’t dread, it isn’t fear and it isn’t happiness. It’s like the combination of all 3?

That is how I feel right now.

The feeling is probably something like ‘possibility’ or ‘adventure’ but most of my life by not feeling the bad I also stopped feeling the good…and I’m not entirely sure what either of those things FEEL like. How am I supposed to navigate during this uncertainty? More and more questions keep popping into my head and yet the fewer answers I am finding.

I met with MB, the therapist who is going to probably take over my care when E leaves, for my intake yesterday. Opening up to someone else, even though I am pretty familiar with MB because she was the leader of my DBT group, is so hard. It took so long for me to fully trust and open up to E and now I am supposed to sit back, feel abandoned (yes the kid in me feels like I am being abandoned…it isn’t the “mature” response but it is what I feel) and open up to someone else??? How can I do that? Thankfully MB did her best to put me at ease, to reassure me that she understands how hard of a transition this is going to be for me and I was grateful to her for that.

I know E came into my life for a season. I know she was here to help change me, to help me grow and that eventually she would need to spread her OWN wings and fly just as I have begun to. I wish I could say I’m not sad, that I don’t feel like her leaving isn’t like losing something super important…but right now? That IS how it feels. I need to GRIEVE this loss…and grieving something as it happens vs. letting it fester for almost 20 years? Very different…It’s incredibly scary for me. Hard to think of my life before E and even harder to think about going forward without her there to give me advice, push me to my limits. I know MB will do those things…but E was the first to really crack my outer shell (well her and J) and I know this has to happen but it still leaves me with a pit in my stomach. I know she is going to do AMAZING things and help more people just like me and I am so SO proud of her…but the child in me, she doesn’t want to feel abandoned. I need to comfort that child for awhile, reassure her that E isn’t gone forever and that I still have the people in my life who love and support me.

To be honest I don’t know why I am posting this or sharing it at all – it’s been weeks since I have posted and I finally update not about all the GOOD things that have been happening (which they have) but about this one thing I can’t seem to get my brain and heart to be on the same page about. Life, as of late, has actually been OKAY and besides the every day stresses at work and feeling exhausted most of the time things have really been on an upswing for me. I am grateful for that.

I feel bad not leaving you some nightly meditation! so here is one that struck me hard and has stayed with me for the past few days: May 26th

Awaken to your heart’s contentment

One day, you’ll awaken to discover your life is all you wanted and hoped it out would be.

Oh, you’ll not find everything just the way your head said you wanted it. It might not be the way you planned. But you’ll awaken to your dreams – your dreams of joy, love, and peace. Your dream of freedom.

You’ll see beyond the illusions. You’ll transcend your old limiting beliefs. You’ll wake up and notice that your past is just as it needed to be. You’ll see where you are today is good. You’ll notice that you laugh a lot, cry a lot, smile a lot.

You’ll look at tomorrow with peace, faith, and hope – knowing that while you cannot control some of what life does, you have possibilities and powers in any circumstance life might bright. The struggle you have lived with for so many years, the struggle in your heart, has disappeared. You’re secure, at peace with yourself and your place in this world.

One day, you’ll awaken to your heart’s contentment. Let that day be today.

Taken from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie

I will leave you to ponder what it means to YOU to awaken your heart. I know how it makes me feel – I know what it stirred up inside me to read this even a second time.

and so the weekend comes to an end

I have spent most of my weekend relaxing and watching Dexter – a friend recommended that I check the show out and of course they were totally right and I am now addicted. Only 7 seasons behind lol…luckily I have caught up a lot this weekend so I am onto season 6 🙂 This was the first weekend in awhile that I didn’t have a social life – I never imagined that I would have a social life at all lol but it was odd not to having SOMETHING planned this weekend. I have to admit I have mixed emotions about it. One the one hand I loved it because I got to be lazy, un-showered and got to do whatever I felt like but on the other hand I missed the interaction with another person. Such an odd sense of feeling for me, I’ll probably need more time to actually process that one ha.

I sit in my living room now after just picking up my laundry from the dryer at the laundromat (I thought moving home I would be able to avoid this part but sadly my apartment building doesn’t have washer/dryer) sipping on an iced vanilla chai with the cool breeze coming through my window and feeling a sense of peace. Odd isn’t it? to think of peace as simple as something as clean laundry and a cool breeze. Somehow it feels comfortable…today I feel 100% at home.

today’s meditation:

Discover inspiration points

Sometimes, we become so caught up in the daily grind that we forget how much beauty and inspiration our world offers. We forget about the power of inspiration.

My favorite inspiration point in Colorado is a small stand next to the Royal George Bridge, the highest suspension bridge in the world. The stand overlooks the gorge, offering a magnificent overview of canyons, mountains, peaks, and plains. In Bryce Canon, the place called inspiration point overlooks massive canyons. From that vantage point, you can see delicately shaped spirals, in the orange iron color so prominent in the canyon, surrounded by the lighter sandstone and sulfur peaks.

What inspires you? Discover inspiration points – those high places of the spirit from which you can see more, see more clearly, see more beautifully. Spend time taking in the grander view of life. See how calming and inspiring it is. See how you return to life with vigor, enthusiasm, and passion.

Visit places that invigorate your soul, help you see the larger picture. Find places in your home, your community, your state. Look for that place in yourself, that sacred inspiration point within you, where your soul and heart see the larger picture, where you and your ideas come to life, where you make the connection between your soul and the world around you. Seek the power of inspiration.

Inspiration points abound. Open up. Look around. When you seek inspiration, it will come to you.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

Lately I have begun to find inspiration differently than before. Well, maybe not differently but just more aware of the inspiration…like my eyes are more open to it all. All of my senses are taking it all in. The cool breeze, the colors of summer, the squirrels, the trees, the flowers, the smells…I see it all, I feel it now.

I think that is one of the major differences than before. That I can feel it, taste it, see it and hear it. I am fully experiencing the inspiration around me.

A year ago I was still closed off and in closing myself off from the world I also closed off the part of me that could see the beauty and inspiration that is all around. Somehow it just seems so much sadder to look back now in thinking that I was some way protecting myself when really…it was the opposite. I never knew how to be, how to grow, how to act, how to respond. I hide from those things or at least I used to.

Today is mother’s day. I called my mom and wished her a happy mother’s day but I can’t call on the one person whom I always considered a mother and so today isn’t without some sadness but I am taking in the comfort that maybe, just maybe, B is watching down from Heaven and smiling at me. I may not have been her blood but blood doesn’t make a family and I am learning to understand that and find peace in it.

 

I’m back

It’s been weeks and weeks since I have posted last and I have to apologize for just halting all my posts.

Things at work have been…crazy to say the least.

One of the (many) problems that I have is: I am a workaholic. I love the people I work with, I enjoy my job and I appreciate all the opportunities I have been given over the past year and a half. M has only been cleared to come back to work for 4 hours a day and at one point last week MM was out sick twice and one day JS had to leave early! I feel like I have been taking on the brunt of the work. I NEVER could have done that a year ago – fuck I couldn’t have done that 6 months ago but I think I did a fantastic job handling the stress. E is baffled as to how long I am going to be able to do this and she has every reason to wonder that – on Tues night I hit the wall. I crashed into that wall at 100 miles an hour and lost it.

I am noticing that when the good days last longer and longer when I finally hit the wall it feels like I am hitting it harder than I ever have, does anyone else experience this? With work, my sessions with E are getting more and more intense and I even took on a big project at work as well (which has since ended – thank GOD!). I also found out that M graduated with the one person in my life that I will never see again. She knew B, she knew her and grew up with her! I had finally made peace with the fact that mom wasn’t going to share with me any aspect of that part of our lives. Mom likes control. I wasn’t allowed to mourn B’s passing, I wasn’t allowed to visit her grave and she has NEVER once told me where B is buried….and all of that changed with me asking M one question. My entire world felt like it was spinning, it was like opening up this Pandora’s box of feelings and emotions that I forgot I had, that I forgot I could feel. I was comforted that someone else knew her but sad and upset that I still felt abandoned by her. It felt as if my skin was peeled back and I was completely exposed, raw, naked and flooded with memories of B and the short time she was a part of our lives. I felt like I was 10 years old again, my childhood gone, my reality forever changed…the wound that finally started to heal was ripped wide open and the flooding of emotions couldn’t be stopped.

Among all of this craziness I also had the chance to celebrate one year of seeing E! I couldn’t believe it. The girl who never ever wanted to be in therapy just celebrated one year with her therapist! E was so sweet – at my session she brought me a cupcake and got me a water bottle from the MoMa 🙂 I am going to be so sad when she finally leaves. I have to keep telling myself that she is going to help so many others out there like me, that she is going to do great and wonderful things and I am hopeful that there will be a chance to somehow keep in touch with her once she leaves. I know she has come into my life for a season – to help save me, to help me discover pieces of myself and to be the first to listen to all of my secrets. Saying good-bye isn’t one of the things I do the best but she has assured me that she is going to see me through the transition to my new therapist MB.

For the most part I really have been on an up-swing and the crash I had…well that was a long time coming I think. I rode the wave, I felt the feelings and I got through it. I know E is right, I know I need to do DBT again and I most likely will but I am still trying to weigh my pros and cons. I know that I want to move up in my job and J has given me some GREAT feedback about seeing me as Leadership potential and so I know that by doing another round of DBT it won’t only be good for me personally and emotionally but it will also help me professionally in “climbing” the latter so-to-speak.

J has been helping me find other creative outlets in gardening. She has this green thumb that I can’t explain and watching her seedlings go to full blown flowers? fucking nothing cooler than that. So I bought myself a cute little plant that totally inspired the shit out of me and then started growing some seedlings of my own out on my fire escape at my apartment. It acts as this lesson about how I need to treat myself as I treat the seedlings…patience, nurturing, tenderness, attention. It makes so much sense when you apply this to the plants and yet somehow I struggle so deeply with trying to apply it to my own life…why is that? why is it that I never ever seem to put as much care into myself as I do with my work, my art and the things around me?

There have been many nightly meditations over the past few weeks – some that have touched me greatly, some that acted as harsh reminders and others that I don’t think (at this moment in time) apply to me. I am still reading them every night, I am still trying to find meaning in them and I share them with J and I think (and hope) she gets as much out of them as I do. The more I get to know of her the more I feel connected to her…like she is my sister. I know that sounds silly but the friendship really does feel that deep to me. She and E have both agreed to meet (just to say hello) before E leaves – I want the two most influential people in my life to meet each other. It won’t be a session or anything – I just want them to meet since I talk about them to each other ALL the time. I am so thrilled they both agreed.

I will leave you with today’s actual meditation. If you want to know what some of the other days meditations were I would be happy to share them with you in the comments section 🙂

Love yourself enough to Relax

Our bodies react to the world around us – and within us – in many ways. Our bodies act like sponges – they can soak up healing energy or they can absorb and trap the negative energy of stress and tension. Some of us are so used to keeping our bodies tense and bound up we don’t even notice how much they hurt, how strained and tight our muscles are.

Connect with your body. Learn to tell how tense it is. Take a few moments throughout the day to see what hurts, what aches, what muscles are being strained. Although tension can affect the entire body, many of us have favorite places in our body to store stress, places that usually become tense, rigid, and full of aches. Necks, shoulders, lower backs are favorite traps. Become familiar with your body and where it stores stress and tension.

Then, learn to relax. Explore different options. Therapeutic massage. Self-hypnosis. Meditation. Soaking in a hot bath. Sitting in the steam room. Exercise. Visualization. Taking time to do activities that bring you pleasure. If you make the effort to explore relaxation techniques, you will find ways to relax that you like and can afford.

If you’ve been soaking up too much stress, give yourself a break. Let your body start soaking up some healing energy, too. Love yourself enough to help your body relax.

This is one I have actually been practicing today. Relaxing. Taking a hot shower. Watching TV. Painting. I used to have such an issue with allowing myself to take the time for myself. I used to feel lazy and guilty. I have been reading a book that J lent me called “View from a Sketchbook” and enjoying it a lot. There is something about how the way they describe the world around, the prairie, the things they see and witness. I dunno…it’s almost poetic.

I am feeling a little blocked on the creative front which is a little frustrating for me but I checked on my little sprouts this morning, curled up in my chair, watched some more Dexter and fully let myself take comfort in doing whatever it is I feel like. I am coming to the deeper realization that I’m not the same person anymore.

I left home as soon as I graduated high school because I never felt like I belonged, I never appreciated the quiet, I never appreciated any of it. Now that I am back…now that I feel like I am a person that is worth living…I don’t know…it is like I appreciate it all far more than I ever imagined. Coming back here was a leap of faith, one final stitch effort to find meaning in what felt like my entire meaningless existence. What I actually found was so much more…hope, family, faith, friendship. Things I don’t ever want to lose again.

I have so many to thank for that. So when I am crashing in the waves I remember that I am not alone. I have people who are there to help me back up and make sure that I never drown.

I leave you with a 4 leaf clover I am growing and my little sprouts (as I call them :))

4leafclover sprouts

(c) borderlinemusings 2013

awakening…at least maybe that is what this is.

Trust what you know

As you grow, as you evolve, as you continue on this journey, you’ll discover many special abilities, gifts, and powers. One is an increased sense of knowingness. We will begin to understand events and people on a level much deeper than we experienced before.

We will begin to know the feeling of a person, place, or thing. We will begin to feels its energy, not just its matter of physical form. We’ll talk to a person for a while and know if that person feels trapped, feels like a victim, or feels free. We’ll know if a place holds energy that is good for us. Or we’ll know that energy isn’t right for us, doesn’t currently complement our needs. We won’t judge. We’ll just know. And we’ll know what to do.

Powers appear when we open the heart. We find the powers of love, comfort, faith, joy. There are other powers, too, that come along the way. One of these is the quiet power of trusting what we know.

Open your heart. Let it show you what it knows. Learn to trust what you know. You’re wiser than you think.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

For some reason this one hit close to home for me today. It’s funny…I never knew what I could experience when I let down the walls and find the powers inside. I never believed in happiness or peace – I only saw darkness, only believed in the negative energy that the darkness but people in my life now have helped change that. J, M, MM, JS and E have all helped me bring down the walls and then how to handle all the energy that comes with it.

I found myself crippled with fear as the walls came down – my family helped me overcome those fears, how to harness the power and turn them into good. Reflecting back hurts a lot, to see where I was, to see how low I had fallen…I know deep down that I have made incredible progress and that I am NOT that same person anymore but sometimes when I reflect back I still wonder. I still wonder if B hadn’t died, I still wonder if I should have killed myself, I still wonder if I should have gotten help sooner…going back isn’t going to change anything…and being in the mind space I am in now looking back makes me sad for another reason. That reason is because if things were different then maybe I wouldn’t have the job I have now and wouldn’t have those people in my life, wouldn’t have find my true family.

I am where I am supposed to be right here and right now and honestly it doesn’t matter how I got here and THAT is what I have come to understand.

I am so thankful and grateful to those in my life who have stuck around and helped me get here – without them I would never have been able to clear my lens off enough to begin to see the person that they see every time they look at me. What an incredible gift.

feeling content

So now that I have had a day to reflect back to where I was 24 hours ago – I can honestly say I am feeling content. I had a session with E today, which was emotionally charged and I spent a good portion of it crying (and I hate crying) but I think it was all necessary and I think instead of fighting it like I typically do I need to learn to allow the feelings and let them go. I went to the store and picked up some dinner and when I was into my apartment I had this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. Everything is clean, smells wonderful and makes me feel 100% at home – I didn’t think I could feel more at home but I totally do. I don’t think I will ever allow myself to get to a place where I don’t keep this place the way I have it now…I am proud of how good it looks, how much work I put into it (even though I am the reason it was a mess in the first place) and I am okay with it.

I have candles (well they are the walmart version of Scentsy lol) going in the kitchen, living room and bathroom so my entire apartment smells like cookies 🙂 I still have a fair amount of work to do in the walk in closet and bedroom but honestly I am so proud of the work I have done and I keep adding stuff to my calendar so I don’t let ANYTHING fall off my radar.

I got some stuff out of tonight’s meditation so I will post that with my thoughts before I head off to bed 🙂

Listen to the voice of your heart

Cultivate the art of listening to your intuition, your inner voice. This is the guidance of your heart. It’s a voice that speaks differently from the one in your head. The heart whispers softly, the head prattles loudly.

The head has an agenda for our lives. It chatters away boldly, but its vision is limited. It leaves no room for the mysterious workings of the universe, nor does it take into account the side trips we need to get where we’re going, where our souls need to go. It’s the voice that says, This is the way it’s going to be.

The heart, the inner voice, speaks differently. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it pulls. Sometimes it pushes. It’s spontaneous, in the present moment, and often a surprise. The heart takes into account what has to be done and the best way to do that. The heart takes emotions into account – the way you feel, the wisdom of your soul. The heart leads us into and through the lessons we’re here to learn.

Cultivate your inner voice. Practice listening to the whispers of your heart. Practice trusting your intuition, what you really feel, what you really know. Practice until that voice is the one that you hear.

Be patient. Be gentle. Let yourself learn to hear the gentle and trustworthy words of your heart.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

This is something that I am just learning to do – learning to trust the voice, trust the whispers, trust my heart and intuition. It has been a long time coming and I think I still have a long ways to go but I think I am finally getting better at it. I think when it came down to confronting Dr F about her group I was finally able to allow my heart to be louder then my head. I was able to do it in a way that I was happy with, a way where I felt good about myself…that was important and a HUGE step for me (not even a baby step) and I think it was because the skills are starting to make sense.

I did something stupid and googled what could happen with my summons and that is like googling “Headache” and seeing brain tumor (long story short I was pulled over and my license had been expired for a month ’cause I stupidly forgot to renew it and I got a summons vs a ticket) E even laughed when I told her I was scared I was going to jail. And yes it SOUNDS stupid and silly I know that but I was reading all these horror stories about how people went to jail for stuff like this and I freaked the fuck out – I was in full panic mode – I reached out to her and she didn’t answer, I tried deep breathing, I tried opposite to emotion, I tried calling the prosecutor again but nothing worked…she literally had to spend 5 minutes (once she called me back) trying to get me to deep breathe – I felt like this complete failure. Here I was feeling GOOD about the progress I had made and the moment I celebrate it I can’t even make it through the ridiculousness of me going to jail over driving with my license that was expired…ugh it FELT like such a setback even though I know deep down it wasn’t. 6 months ago I wouldn’t have even THOUGHT to use skills…that was a step even if it felt like a backwards one.

I think my head was so content with being miserable that even though my place was a mess it was like screw it…does that make sense? And once I was in a good mindset and J and I talked it was like I was able to hear my inner voice more – that I was able to hear the importance to ME why I wanted my apartment clean. I am sitting here in my clean and beautiful apartment and feeling far more at peace here then I have in awhile. I have a reminder to go off in a few to bring down a few more bags of trash but I have eaten dinner and cleaned those dishes already.

I think where I am emotionally right now (just with work, life, group ending, dealing with my 1 year with E, her eventually leaving, and so on…) I need to learn how to be patient and gentle with myself. Taking it all on and being fully okay with it, letting it go and breathing deep. It’s not easy BUT I am doing it and no matter how  SLOW it feels I need to cut myself some slack and realize that I am doing the best I can…and someone whom I respect and admire greatly once told me that my best was good enough.