feeling content

So now that I have had a day to reflect back to where I was 24 hours ago – I can honestly say I am feeling content. I had a session with E today, which was emotionally charged and I spent a good portion of it crying (and I hate crying) but I think it was all necessary and I think instead of fighting it like I typically do I need to learn to allow the feelings and let them go. I went to the store and picked up some dinner and when I was into my apartment I had this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. Everything is clean, smells wonderful and makes me feel 100% at home – I didn’t think I could feel more at home but I totally do. I don’t think I will ever allow myself to get to a place where I don’t keep this place the way I have it now…I am proud of how good it looks, how much work I put into it (even though I am the reason it was a mess in the first place) and I am okay with it.

I have candles (well they are the walmart version of Scentsy lol) going in the kitchen, living room and bathroom so my entire apartment smells like cookies 🙂 I still have a fair amount of work to do in the walk in closet and bedroom but honestly I am so proud of the work I have done and I keep adding stuff to my calendar so I don’t let ANYTHING fall off my radar.

I got some stuff out of tonight’s meditation so I will post that with my thoughts before I head off to bed 🙂

Listen to the voice of your heart

Cultivate the art of listening to your intuition, your inner voice. This is the guidance of your heart. It’s a voice that speaks differently from the one in your head. The heart whispers softly, the head prattles loudly.

The head has an agenda for our lives. It chatters away boldly, but its vision is limited. It leaves no room for the mysterious workings of the universe, nor does it take into account the side trips we need to get where we’re going, where our souls need to go. It’s the voice that says, This is the way it’s going to be.

The heart, the inner voice, speaks differently. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it pulls. Sometimes it pushes. It’s spontaneous, in the present moment, and often a surprise. The heart takes into account what has to be done and the best way to do that. The heart takes emotions into account – the way you feel, the wisdom of your soul. The heart leads us into and through the lessons we’re here to learn.

Cultivate your inner voice. Practice listening to the whispers of your heart. Practice trusting your intuition, what you really feel, what you really know. Practice until that voice is the one that you hear.

Be patient. Be gentle. Let yourself learn to hear the gentle and trustworthy words of your heart.

Taken from ‘Journey to the Heart’

This is something that I am just learning to do – learning to trust the voice, trust the whispers, trust my heart and intuition. It has been a long time coming and I think I still have a long ways to go but I think I am finally getting better at it. I think when it came down to confronting Dr F about her group I was finally able to allow my heart to be louder then my head. I was able to do it in a way that I was happy with, a way where I felt good about myself…that was important and a HUGE step for me (not even a baby step) and I think it was because the skills are starting to make sense.

I did something stupid and googled what could happen with my summons and that is like googling “Headache” and seeing brain tumor (long story short I was pulled over and my license had been expired for a month ’cause I stupidly forgot to renew it and I got a summons vs a ticket) E even laughed when I told her I was scared I was going to jail. And yes it SOUNDS stupid and silly I know that but I was reading all these horror stories about how people went to jail for stuff like this and I freaked the fuck out – I was in full panic mode – I reached out to her and she didn’t answer, I tried deep breathing, I tried opposite to emotion, I tried calling the prosecutor again but nothing worked…she literally had to spend 5 minutes (once she called me back) trying to get me to deep breathe – I felt like this complete failure. Here I was feeling GOOD about the progress I had made and the moment I celebrate it I can’t even make it through the ridiculousness of me going to jail over driving with my license that was expired…ugh it FELT like such a setback even though I know deep down it wasn’t. 6 months ago I wouldn’t have even THOUGHT to use skills…that was a step even if it felt like a backwards one.

I think my head was so content with being miserable that even though my place was a mess it was like screw it…does that make sense? And once I was in a good mindset and J and I talked it was like I was able to hear my inner voice more – that I was able to hear the importance to ME why I wanted my apartment clean. I am sitting here in my clean and beautiful apartment and feeling far more at peace here then I have in awhile. I have a reminder to go off in a few to bring down a few more bags of trash but I have eaten dinner and cleaned those dishes already.

I think where I am emotionally right now (just with work, life, group ending, dealing with my 1 year with E, her eventually leaving, and so on…) I need to learn how to be patient and gentle with myself. Taking it all on and being fully okay with it, letting it go and breathing deep. It’s not easy BUT I am doing it and no matter how  SLOW it feels I need to cut myself some slack and realize that I am doing the best I can…and someone whom I respect and admire greatly once told me that my best was good enough.

 

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